So, having established yesterday that I don’t ever want to diet again, I had to think through whether or not I actually want to lose more weight.
The answer is yes I do. I want to push through a very personal wall to lose somewhere around ten pounds. One of the most frustrating things about my body shape is that the weight I have gravitated to lately puts me exactly between sizes for jeans, skirts etc. To bump up a size means that my tops are too small. So I’m going to bump down a size and see what happens.
This size will also give me a healthy waist measurement for the first time in years. I’m really curious about what that feels like.
So what might happen? It might happen that I simply can’t maintain the weight and I’ll choose to put it back on and be slightly overweight. It might happen that I love how I look and feel and I’ll commit to staying there. We’ll see. But I’ll never know unless I get there.
But my biggest desire isn’t clothes; it’s to actually accomplish this thing I’ve been working towards for so long. I have got to a “goal weight” many times before. That’s hard, but not the hardest part. What I’m excited about this time is working through the process of keeping it off, of finding healing around the issues of food and body, of figuring out how I’m going to eat for the rest of my life. This is what will stop the pendulum forever.
It’s not too often in life that we get to WANT something and simply go get it because it doesn’t involve negotiating with loved-ones, market conditions or budgets. This requires negotiating my self, my history, my emotions and anxieties and so the Talking It Off continues.