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So what’s the verdict of the 3-way mirror?  In a word:  lumpy.

At least lumpier than I have been at this weight.

But I bought a dress and have decided to be less lumpy by Christmas though I can’t yet find it in me to make a major gym commitment.

It’s partly my fear of euphoria – whether diet-induced or exercise-induced – but that’s another post.

It’s also partly that, as soon as I start getting results at the gym, it’s time to pack my bags and head to Canada where I have no gym membership.  I need some help and a plan.  Maybe it’s time to hire a professional to help me design a routine that I can do no matter where I’m living, with a gym or without one.   Maybe that’s what I’ll ask for for Christmas.  (Lightbulb moment, perhaps!)

 
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I’ve got today free so I’m off to Manchester to try on clothes.  I don’t care if I buy anything but I need to spend some time in front of three-way mirrors to get to grips with what I look like at the moment.

Wish me luck.

 
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It’s really quite amazing the difference a few days make.  Last week I was on such an emotional roller coaster and my eating reflected it.  Rick commented several times that I seemed very down.  At the time I just thought it was because I was upset about not having any real downtime during my vacation, plus a hangover from the previous weekend with all the company and the work that goes with it, plus still being unsettled due to the renovations in the house. However, now that I’ve had time to consider I wonder if I was also dealing with a menopausal hormone swing.  You see, I can usually deal with all of the above much better than I did.  It’s really not unusual for me to be busy during my vacation and the things I was busy with would normally not cause me to go into a funk.  I loved having my in-laws visit so a full house at Thanksgiving wasn’t a hardship.  What was wrong was my reaction to it all. Mood swings are not normal for me at all, so I have to think that maybe this one had help.

Well, whatever the cause it seems to have passed.  I’m back to exercising and tracking my food and have stopped stuffing my face with whatever happens to cross my path.  I must say that I prefer being on an even keel, I don’t enjoy the drama, even when it’s my own.

 
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When I got home from work yesterday, I felt immediately drawn to the TV, which I have temporarily given up during my work week. I wandered into the living room, paused by the couch, and then walked away. Easy choice. I said “No TV during the work week for at least one week.” And I was successful the first night, never turned it on. No gray areas. Easy enough, even for a TV addict who is accustomed to watching endless reruns of Bones, Criminal Minds, and NCIS, besides new episodes of my many other favorites.

When I walked away from the black and white (no pun intended) of the TV decision, I headed into the gray area of the kitchen (which is decorated in black and white–gotta love my landlord’s choice of color!). You can quit drugs, alcohol, gambling, watching TV, and a host of other things, without ever having to do them again. Just to clarify, I am NOT saying it’s easy–I’ve watched people struggle with drugs and alcohol, and I wouldn’t want to go there myself. But you can QUIT. You can walk away and never have to negotiate bargains with that particular demon. Not the same with food. I have to negotiate that rocky road (no pun intended, again!) several times a day. I fell into deep crevices three times yesterday, and was unsuccessful in negotiating my way out without giving in. Sometimes I wonder if hooking myself up to an IV of just the right balance of nutritional stuff twice a day would make it easier. It would take away the “gray-ness” of food negotiations. But it would also remove any enjoyment of food. Might that be a good thing?

Upshot? If I want to keep enjoying food, I will have to learn to negotiate it better. Balance. A little of this today. A small portion of that on the weekend. I’ve never thought of myself as a “foodie” when it comes to the whole experience of food. My tastes are pretty simple, out of necessity. But while the food is simple, the enjoyment of it is so much more complex–the color/taste/smell/texture/atmosphere surrounding food. And I’d miss that.

 
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After taking a class at the local university called “Life Makeover” I am looking, once again, at my behaviors and how to change them. This class has helped immensely in getting me started, first by looking at the past and the present, and then by looking to the future (my “future self”) for guidance. As I write this, I wonder if it sounds goofy, but the visualization exercise our instructor led us through was very powerful. I know where I want to be years from now–even two years from now, and I have a map of how to get there. The journey starts today!

10/19/2009 – Day 1: Nice round number to start with, 200.0 exactly. <sigh>  At least it will be easy to remember the beginning of my final weight loss. I use “final” in a very positive way. This is the time I will take the steps necessary to lose the weight, because I will maintain it by using that old standby, “eating right and exercising.” My plan is not completely fleshed out yet. My exercise plan will be especially tough as I work around my body’s objections to putting it through the work when it is still recovering from the recreational mishap. My commitment extends to my financial matters as well. Those need fixing as much as my weight and fitness level. My expenses need to lose weight, my balance sheet needs to gain muscle. Do I sound like an accounting geek or what?? Off to start my day…

 
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The past 13 months of my life have been the least settled of my life.  With Mom’s accident in September, Dad’s death in January then the consequent disrupted life of a couple of months here in the UK and a few weeks there in Canada, I feel completely unsettled. Add into the mix, the husband’s many weeks away this autumn and it’s the perfect setting for a melt-down.

Having established that I’m better at fighting fires (reactive) than making phone calls (proactive), I’ve decided to push myself into the unknown and make a plan.  Now I make plans all the time – but I don’t actually do anything about them because that would require being proactive.  This time, however, I’m going to give it a try.

Actually, the “plan” is simply to notice what’s up with my body and my hunger and my emotions.  I need a shake-up if I’m ever going to break through this last wall so I’m going to attempt something different.  Last night I dug out an old notebook and am simply pausing every half hour or so to comment on how I’m feeling and what I’m doing.  It’s just a matter of recording what’s going on in my head and heart with the goal of naming rather than eating that particular thought or emotion.

I imagine that I won’t be able to keep this up for more than a few days but I’m going to try it and see where it leads.

 
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“Am I just lazy, lacking willpower?”    Donna started this conversation here.

Sometimes.  But mostly that’s the easiest way to interpret what’s really going on.   When I’m looking at any human problem (debt, health, fitness, unemployment etc), it’s much easier to think of my own simple solution then put the burden on the person with the problem with the words, “You just need to …….”.

And failure to take that advice makes the person with the problem look like they’re lazy and lacking willpower.  After all, I’ve offered a simple solution.

On a bad day, I can do the same to myself about my need to lose weight.  “You just need to ………..”  And when I fail, then I’m the big fat loser.  But, as Donna pointed out in her post, I know from the rest of my life that I’m not really that big fat loser.  In fact, I’m assuming that I’m the only person who ever thinks that about myself.

So what’s really going on?

Rather than lazy & lacking willpower, I think it’s safer to describe me as being reactive rather than proactive.  I’m an excellent problem solver – but that means I need a problem.

I don’t dust until I can write messages on the sideboard. I don’t clear out my sock drawer until I can’t find something.  Historically, I don’t do something about the way I eat and exercise until I have too much fat and too little fitness.  I problem solve then I slack off until I have to do it again.  Hence the dieting pendulum.

Hmm- a little self-awareness here!

In this area of my life, I need to break through my tendency to prefer fire-fighting and find a way to be proactive about how I eat and how I move my body.

More later.  Got to run the husband to the airport again.

 
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I’ve been wondering what the heck is wrong with me this week.  I’ve been supposedly on vacation but rather than enjoying some ‘me’ time I’ve been busy every day.  That’s fine except that I’ve been very grumpy and resentful about it.  The grumpier and more resentful I became, the more I ate. The more I ate, the busier I got.  I finally had to ask myself who or what I was so resentful of.  Just who was it who was expecting me to do everything?  Certainly not Rick (my husband) and there isn’t anyone else in the house.  I had to face the fact that it was myself that I resented.

I’m sure all of us have heard those people who claim that overweight people are lazy and have no willpower. All they need to do is stop eating and exercise. What’s so hard about that? I know this seems like I’m changing the subject, but bear with me.  Have you ever secretly agreed with them in some part of your mind?  I mean, why can’t I stick to my plan?  Why am I choosing to eat stuff I shouldn’t, eat more than I should, not exercise enough?  Am I just lazy, lacking willpower?  Am I trying to prove otherwise when I go from one task to another?  Look at me, look how busy I am. If I do this and this and this, then how could anyone claim I’m lazy?  But no one is claiming I’m lazy except me.

Why is this so hard? All I have to do is stop eating stuff I shouldn’t and exercise more.  Right?

 
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I’ve been on a crash and burn pity party this week.  Losing control of my schedule and routine has led me to throw my hands up in the air and relinquish control of my eating.  The scale this morning has slapped me back to reality.  Some people say that while their life may be hectic at least they have control over what goes in their mouth. Unfortunately, I’m the opposite.  When I lose control over my routine, I usually lose control over my eating as well. At least I have learned to rein it in before it goes too far.  Today I vow to think before I put something in my mouth and to get my usual amount of water in.

 
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I’ve said more that once that I’m inventing the 21st Century Diet.  That is, if I can just maintain my moderately overweight body, I will eventually be overtaken by almost everyone else and finally be “thin”.  Looks like it could really happen.

According to this report, many obese people don’t recognise how overweight they really are.  One of the reasons is that, as society gets fatter, people compare themselves with those around them and don’t feel so fat any more.

In my view there is a very clear tendency for individuals with obesity to feel that they do not stand out from the crowd,” says Jonathan Pinkney, a consultant in endocrinology and diabetes from the Association for the Study of Obesity (ASO).

This is because the median BMI has increased so much. For example, if some 4% of women now have a BMI of more than 40, then arguably you need this sort of BMI to begin to look obviously obese when you walk down the street.

I guess it’s the same but opposite phenomenon as healthy sized celebrity-obsessed people who are convinced they are fat by comparison.

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