2009 October » Talking It Off

Starting Again Again

Oct 162009

So, having established yesterday that I don’t ever want to diet again, I had to think through whether or not I actually want to lose more weight.

The answer is yes I do. I want to push through a very personal wall to lose somewhere around ten pounds. One of the most frustrating things about my body shape is that the weight I have gravitated to lately puts me exactly between sizes for jeans, skirts etc. To bump up a size means that my tops are too small. So I’m going to bump down a size and see what happens.

This size will also give me a healthy waist measurement for the first time in years. I’m really curious about what that feels like.

So what might happen? It might happen that I simply can’t maintain the weight and I’ll choose to put it back on and be slightly overweight. It might happen that I love how I look and feel and I’ll commit to staying there. We’ll see. But I’ll never know unless I get there.

But my biggest desire isn’t clothes; it’s to actually accomplish this thing I’ve been working towards for so long. I have got to a “goal weight” many times before. That’s hard, but not the hardest part. What I’m excited about this time is working through the process of keeping it off, of finding healing around the issues of food and body, of figuring out how I’m going to eat for the rest of my life. This is what will stop the pendulum forever.

It’s not too often in life that we get to WANT something and simply go get it because it doesn’t involve negotiating with loved-ones, market conditions or budgets. This requires negotiating my self, my history, my emotions and anxieties and so the Talking It Off continues.

The Dieting Pendulum

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 152009

Would I be better off just accepting myself as overweight and getting on with my life? Or would I be better off just following a strict diet and taking the weight off without all this inner (and outer) dialogue about it?

These questions kept coming back to me yesterday – especially after Donna commented that she asks them too.

There was a time when I was doing either one or the other. The “just accepting myself” swing would end when I realised that all that “acceptance” had led to a significant weight gain and all of a sudden I didn’t feel so accepting of myself.

The “diet” cycle was often much shorter and would end as soon as I’d lost a couple of pounds and wanted to get back to “normal eating” – which meant “accepting” myself and gaining weight. (I won’t talk you through the whole ride.)

So what happened in July 08 with Mardee’s post was a first attempt to Stop the Pendulum (roller coaster, dance of death – not really – just that alliteration thing again) . After more that a year, I can’t say that the pendulum has come to a standstill. I can say, however, that it’s lost its extremes.

I no longer live between the euphoria of weight loss and the wilful internal insistence that “I’m ok” even while watching my health and fitness deteriorate.

Some would insist that, as long as I’m altering my food intake to lose weight, that I haven’t given up dieting, but they’d be wrong. In no specific order:

I have given up the language of dieting – “I was good today” has nothing to do with carrots consumed.
I have given up my dependency on the thrill of seeing the pounds come off. The is a big-picture, whole-life thing. I can be proud of myself for working hard and caring for myself. That might or might not be reflected in my clothing size.
I’ve given up searching for an external answer – a program or a book that will make it all better.
I’ve also given up replacing one addiction with another. I don’t swing from mindless eating to mindless exercising.
I no longer see food as the enemy in my life – but as a positive thing that I need to be mindful about.
If I have a “bad day”, it’s because something has gone wrong in my life. Sometimes I eat inappropriately to deal with the emotions that a “bad day” brings up.
I accept that carbs are comforting. So is a long walk. So is sex. So is a good book. Sometimes I’ll choose carbs.
I no longer think in terms of “falling off the wagon” – a healthy life cannot be all or nothing. I’m just fine having days that are “almost but not quite”.
I’m no longer looking to recapture something that I’ve lost – a size, a weight, a feeling that I had about myself. Instead, I’m looking forward to what’s next and “what’s next” starts now, not when the scale or my jeans tell me.
I’m no longer afraid of not belonging to the “dieting club”. I’m almost always ok if people don’t understand by just looking at me that I have a fraught relationship with food and my body. (Note the “almost always” and see below)
This isn’t something I’m going to do for a few weeks then “get back to normal”. This is life – so I’d better enjoy it.

I’ll probably come up with more of those as the day progresses.

As I wrote those, I had glimmers of the things that I still need to work on.

Even though I talk a good game, I am definitely more motivated by vanity than health.
I harshly judge people who are morbidly obese. I find it very hard to get past the fat and connect with the person.
My body size still sometimes affects my self-esteem.

And just to emphasise the complexity of the issue, even while I judge myself and others for being overweight,

every once in a while I’m still afraid that my being thin would cause people to view me in a negative way. I guess I have a fear of people thinking that I have it all together. Fat is safe sometimes.

So I’ll keep on talking until I can get past those things too.

“Every woman has an eating disorder”?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Oct 142009

I’m back in the land of journalling and looking to get to where I want to go. By dear friend BFP sent me this link today and it got me thinking about the long continuum of mindsets about body/food/health.

Is this blog a reflection of the fact that I have an eating disorder? Or is it a tool for helping to straighten out my sometimes distorted relationship with food?

Would I be better off just accepting myself as overweight and getting on with my life? Or would I be better off just following a strict diet and taking the weight off without all this inner (and outer) dialogue about it?

As usual, I want the best of both worlds. I want to be healthy in body and in mind. For that reason, I don’t want to be “thin”. I don’t want something from my 48 year old body that it doesn’t want to give me. I don’t want to re-capture a time in my 20s when I weighed thirty pounds less than I do now.

But I do want to have a healthy waist size. And I do want to run comfortably – not because I’m afraid of fat on my body, but because I love to move.

As much as I want a healthy body, I want to enjoy food and I want its presence in my life to be about fuel and taste and sociability. I want the act of eating to be about caring for myself in a healthful and mindful way. I don’t want it to be about dealing with stress or emotions.

That’s the reason I write -not because I’m afraid, or because I’m permanently “on a diet” but because I need some alternative for stuffing my thoughts and feelings down with food.

Journalling my thoughts is a tool.

So is journalling what I eat.

A WW meeting can be a tool.

A session at the gym can be tool.

Scales and tape measures are tools.

All these things can also become obsessions in themselves – and only I can decide what’s a helpful tool and what’s an obsession.

It’s possible that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about this stuff. More than once in our online conversations, the other Rems and I have talked about the similarities between what we deal with and what alcoholics deals with. The big difference is that we can’t swear off food but have to learn to consume it in moderation. So we talk and keep talking.

The great news is that, even though we’re still talking, we’re generally way down the road from where we were a couple of years ago. And I’m predicting that a year from now we will be further still. Will I be skinny? No. Will I be at the gym 5 times a week? No. Will I be confident standing beside skinny and fit women? Yes. Because I will be the “me” I choose to be and the one I know I can keep on being.

Must make a note of this entry and check back next October.

If I was smart…

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 132009

If I was smart, I’d go into my fridge right now and purge a lot of the leftovers from Thanksgiving. I’d keep the turkey, that’s good for sandwiches and soup and I can freeze some for future casseroles. However, the stuffing should be thrown out for sure, plus the leftover dessert that my daughter in law so thoughtfully left with us. I don’t really need the extra homemade soda bread, even though it tastes so good toasted. So why don’t I? Throw it down the garbage disposal and dispose of it somewhere other than in my stomach.

Easy enough question, it should be an easy enough action. But,,,,, that famous word of prevaricators (is that a word?) I have such a hard time throwing out ‘perfectly good food’. After all, ‘there are starving people in Africa’. It’s not good to ‘waste food’. Can you hear my mother talking? I can. So what that I’m almost 52 and that times have changed. So what that my eating it won’t help those starving people one little whit. It still pains me to throw it away. I suspect that this is a problem mostly for people who grew up, or had parents who grew up, in the depression era or in families where money was scarce.

I really need to get over it.

Setting Goals

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 122009

Yesterday ended up being a fairly easy series of good meal choices. So another day down.
I think it’s time to start thinking about goals – not exactly when and not exactly how much but I’ve had a personal goal of reaching a body weight and shape and maintaining it for a year.
I’ve been very close that shape/weight a couple of times but have let life and mad moments of self-sabotage get in the way – so the remedial work continues.
I head home for Christmas in 6 weeks – just enough time to work hard and get to that place. I’m old enough to have reasonable expectations about what constitutes a “ideal” weight/shape.
Despite that, my main obstacle will be whatever is sloshing around in my skull and this blog will be my most important tool for bashing down walls and talking my way out of difficult situations.
Better run -this post has been a Blackberry experiment.

The Gang’s All Here!

Talking It Off Info No Responses »

Oct 112009

It’s fantastic to have everyone posting again. Mardee, Gracie, Donna and I (Millie) have been online friends for a many years but only stepped out on this Remedial Weight Loss journey in the summer of last year. Here’s how it started:

(OP= On Program or Plan)

Back in July 08 Mardee wrote:

Life Needs Work – a commitment to myself

You know, guys, I finally feel like I “got it!” Like sticking to a program is really, finally, unilaterally becoming an everyday part of my life. I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Well, yeah – duh!” Unfortunately, that has not been the case for me. Over the past 6 1/2 years here, most of the time I have NOT been OP every day (head down in shame). I’d be OP on Tuesday, OP on Wednesday morning and then slide, slack off on Thursday, binge on Friday, then recommit on Saturday – WEEK AFTER MONTH AFTER YEAR. It’s only been the last few months, while I’ve been struggling to maintain the weight I’ve lost, that I realized that this really IS not only a lifetime commitment, but a DAILY commitment! (Again, duh!).

It sucks to be us and to have to constantly deal with counting points, calories or whatever and always being aware of what you put in your mouth, but there it is – that’s our lot in life. And I could think of a few thousand things that are worse…

So I guess what I’m trying to say is – I’m done putzing around. This is it – this is a re-commitment TO ME that I will stay OP every minute, every hour, every day, every week. That I CAN have a wonderful life eating healthy foods that are within my daily caloric limit. That I WILL write down every BLT that goes into my mouth. That I WON’T allow myself to lapse “just for today” but will always be aware that I owe my body the very best care I can give it. In the words of Elliot Garfield in “The Goodbye Girl,” my body is a temple, and I am worshiping it.

So there it is – my commitment to myself. And it’s about damned time.

And here are some of our replies:

Donna

Is it possible to be glad for you and jealous at the same time? I cling to this group with all my might hoping that the principals behind it will sink in and become part of my own reality. I talk like I want to be disciplined and consistent in my eating, yet my actions all too often belie my words. However, I can’t leave because I hope that someday I will have the ‘aha’ moment.

Gracie

Donna, this is what is in my head & heart. I try repeatedly, but fail. I want to make this work, or so I think, but the struggle is sometimes more than I can handle. I feel like I can’t do it, but I can’t leave either. I’ve had the “aha” moment before, but it doesn’t generate enough heat to keep burning. What next?…

Millie

Thanks for this ! Talk about a wake-up call.

Mardee – You’ve said it so well. You know, while I’ve been pfaffing around, you’ve got down to very close to my current weight. Mind if I join you for the rest of the ride?

Donna – Once again you said it for me. How about giving this one more push, together?

In my professional life, I ask young people to get over a fear of failure and try with all their heart to concentrate on the task of learning to read. I know that the keys to success are:

relationship – they have to want to come and spend intense time with me and they need to be around someone who encourages and praises for every step forward.

accountability – they have to be reminded time and again to apply what they’ve learned rather than rely on old strategies that fail them.

doing it despite the rest of life – I’m asking them to think about reading when their family lives are a mess, they might be in prison, they might be children with their own babies, they might live in constant fear of violence or struggle with all sorts of substance misuse. Life sucks in ways that we can hardly imagine but I still expect them to show up and work hard. (and they do – usually)

So that’s what I’m going to ask of myself:

Come here for relationship and accountability.

Apply what I know even though old failing ways are more comfortable.

Work hard at it even though life isn’t always straight-forward.

Do this for 6 weeks then I can consider my progress and think about what I want to do next.

I say this with no excitement whatsoever…….grim determination tinged with a little bit of hope.

And then we started talking and talking and doing and doing……..and now we’re here.

Thanksgiving for the Maple Leaf Crowd

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 112009

The morning after the Thanksgiving Feast for twelve.

Me to Canadian house guest: “I’m so proud of us; we hardly drank anything.”

CHG to me: “I was just thinking how I’d never seen so much alcohol consumed at one sitting!”

Culture, eh?

Accountability – the good things about yesterday:

Out for lunch, I left a lot of food on my plate because I was full.
At dinner, I had one plate-full ,(as in covered, not heaping), then stopped.
By sheer good fortune I had 7 good (large) wine glasses for 8 people so I got the small glass.
I did have two large non-alcoholic drinks in the middle of the event – slowed down both the eating and the drinking.
Dessert was 1/12th of a pumpkin pie. I had a bite of something else but threw the rest away when I realised that I was truly not hungry or even craving something sweet.

Now for the next three days.

Familiar ground–back to square one

Starting Again Again No Responses »

Oct 112009

I wish I had a dollar for every time I started over. I’d be retired and sitting in a beautiful cottage somewhere, with tons of friends, and lots of fun things to do, and no money worries. But I’m also willing to guess that I’d still be struggling with food, starting over, failing, starting over again, and between lots of failures would be the occasional success. What is it about that occasional success that is missing the rest of the time? If I could answer that question, I’d reach permanent success at reaching and maintaining my weight, food, and fitness goals.

In the meantime, I will do the things that I have done before: NOT quit. Start over. Make a plan for eating and working out. Fake the excitement and motivation if I’m not feelin’ it. One minor change: Fitness activities will start slow as my ribs heal and the (what did Sal call it? a hematoma?) the other thing heals. I’ll walk on the treadmill, probably 2.5 – 3.0 mph, see how that goes. And I’ll work out the food after getting some ideas from the zillions of books I have floating around the house that all have to do with healthy eating, weight loss, fitness, aging, and all the other stuff that goes with that. And the first item of business will be to weigh in tomorrow morning. Might as well start with the ugly truth.

So there you have it. Another time around the game board, and on the square marked “start.”

Commit…commit…commit

Things to try, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 102009

I definitely feel like I’m back in boot camp – a newbie struggling to sort it all out and maintain a rather rigid schedule. I made a few commitments to myself this week, and I’m going to make an HONEST effort to keep them.

1) Exercise (with a capital “E”) – that was the key to my success before, and that is that ONLY way I will maintain and get more weight off. I have to face it – I can’t do it by diet alone. It has NEVER worked for me in the past.

Exercise is my friend.

2) Journaling. I have come to the conclusion that journaling and weighing/measuring are there for one purpose – and that is to serve as a “stop-gap” for the brain. I crave = I eat vs. I crave = I journal/weigh/measure (think!) = I don’t eat/I eat sensibly.

3) Sleep/relax. When work gets to much, I owe it to myself to take a time out and relax. And no matter how much work I have, it is NEVER productive for me to sleep less than 7-8 hours (preferably 8).

4) Keep up with my hobbies. A happy person is a healthy person. When I am so caught up with work and stress that I neglect the fun little things like sewing, reading and gardening, then I lose the ability to stay happy and focused. Instead, I begin drifting and become aimless. That’s not good for me and not good for my body.

Okay, that’s enough deep thoughts for the day – how’s everyone doing out there?

Planning for a feast

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 102009

So far so good. The best thing is having all the food in the fridge for tonight’s festivities. Because we wanted to spend the whole day being touristy with friends, we cooked the turkey yesterday. The stuffing and pumpkin pie are made and friends are bringing everything else except the potatoes.

I’ll check in tomorrow for accountability – but for what?

OK – anyone has permission to ask me two questions.

Were you uncomfortably full?
Did you drink at least two non-alcoholic drinks?

See you tomorrow.

Older Entries Newer Entries

Talking It Off

Starting Again Again

The Dieting Pendulum

“Every woman has an eating disorder”?

If I was smart…

Setting Goals

The Gang’s All Here!

Thanksgiving for the Maple Leaf Crowd

Familiar ground–back to square one

Commit…commit…commit

Planning for a feast

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