Forgiving the Fat Child

Yesterday I wrote something positive on another site then felt bad all day.  Surprisingly, I didn’t let that feeling lead to overeating but, on a different day, I might have.  I see from other people that it’s pretty common to do some out-of-control eating after mentioning how well things are going.  I also see that it’s common behaviour when things are not going so well.

Last week’s tiny loss after a perfect week felt awful and I had to fight the “what the hell?” feeling.

Yesterday’s loose jeans and cumulative loss felt great but talking about it left me with the same feeling.

I guess these are just learned responses over time.  I’ve lost weight and put it back on so many times that I sabotage good results right away because, in my mind, it’s going to happen eventually anyway.

Because this is a lifelong battle, there is emotional junk related to being fat stuffed into all the corners of my inner self : playground insults, family teasing, horrible old ladies, and especially agonising teenage self-consciousness.  I need to forgive all those versions of myself and let her know that the fat was really such a tiny part of who she really was.  I need to forgive all those people – most of them were commenting because they wanted something better for me but didn’t know how to help. Except Sandra; she was just mean.

Seeing as it’s Sunday – I think I’ll get down to the business of forgiving right now.  And I suppose Sandra should be top of the list.

NOTE:  This isn’t where I thought this post was going.  I thought it was going to be about learning to work hard whether I was happy or disappointed with whatever was going on with weight loss.   I never know where this blogging thing will take me.