And the point of all this was…what, exactly???

Friday night: After a whole year of work, 2080 “official” hours, and countless late nights and weekend hours, the results are in. I suck at my job. It isn’t enough that I weigh far more than I should, that I have little-to-no self esteem, that I’m floundering in debt, and spending 10 hours a week in a car driving/riding to a job that was moved out from under me, and has changed significantly in the recent past–and not for the better. Now, it turns out that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I did, the best that my boss has to say about the blood, sweat, and tears that I gave for my employer is “needs improvement.” Are you f*cking kidding me? Talk about a slap in the face. For the first time, I’m seriously thinking maybe it is time to start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I have the confidence to pull that off. But to have my efforts reduced to “needs improvement” is more than I can bear. I worked over my holiday break. I’ve never done that before. And what was the point? Apparently, there wasn’t one. It all feels pointless now. Expectations are apparently so high as to be un-meetable. I’d like to ask my co-workers how they did, but finding out that they scored better would only make it worse, when what I really want is to find out that they suck too. Then I’ll know for certain that it’s a combination of too-high expectations, and a boss who can’t find a way to say, “Good job!” Or is it that I don’t do a “good job?”

I’m going to save this for now, instead of posting it. It seems a little dark for the “Talking It Off” blog. Maybe things will look different tomorrow. One can hope…

Saturday morning: Nope, things don’t look any different yet. My review was unnecessarily harsh. So now what? I was tempted to wallow in depression and food, but that only partly worked. I wallowed in depression, but didn’t have any appropriate food items to dive into. That’s ok though. I curled up in a ball, pouted, felt sorry for myself, and then went to bed. Woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself as well. But then I found a link to the new “We Are The World” video. Watched that, and felt like an ungrateful b*tch. Then I remembered that I have the power to change my attitude, which I promptly did. My plan? For this morning, it’s a weight workout and a walk with my “granddog” who is here while my daughter is at work. Then on to the grocery store to get some produce. And then, home to respond in writing, calmly and professionally, to my boss’s review of my work. I know that she was harsh in giving me a numeric rating. Her words told a different story. Plenty of “willingness to take on additional accounabilities” and “offers help to staff” and “worked over the holiday break” and other things that tell me there’s a disconnect between her words and her numbers. And, in a startling change from previous plans, I will update my resume and venture out into the job market. Can’t hurt. Might help.

In trying to build up my confidence to tackle even a low-key job search, I will start with exercise. I know from previous experience that it works in precisely that way. And exercising is almost pointless if I’m going to continue to not eat well. So effort must be made there. Will this be the trigger to a healthier lifestyle? Will this be the thing that spurs me into more permanent action? I hope so. With the knowledge that I control my attitude, and with constant reminders so I don’t forget, I have a chance. A good one.

There’s the answer to the question in the title of this post. And the point of all this was…what, exactly??? The point is that I am worth far more than others will give me credit for. I am worth the best effort in caring for myself. I am worth a job where people will appreciate the work that I do, and the extra effort I put in, and especially, that I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes, because yes, there were mistakes. So here’s to NOT letting a harsh judgment from someone I know to be difficult to please ruin my day or anything else! Now I’m going to make a donation to the cause in Haiti, since their suffering helped me realize that I don’t have it so bad!