I’m cruising.

Inside my head I am ready to lose the “last” 7 pounds.  I’m not calling it my goal because I don’t know what it will be like once I get there.  Will it be too hard to stay there?  Will I be too thin?  Will I not be thin enough?  So many questions.

Normally, when I have questions I go find the answers.  But here I sit for the umpteenth week with at least 6 pounds to lose and zero answers to the above questions.

In reality, I’m pretty ok with my body now.  I know I’m pretty healthy.  I know I fit into reasonable clothes.

The thing is, at the very beginning of this last last last time, I promised myself that I wouldn’t settle for “ok”.   I have no illusions about finding a past time or a past body, but I do have a vision for a present time and a present body.

I want to see what my 49 year old body looks like at a mid-healthy weight rather than a high-healthy weight.

I want to know what it feels like to run at a lighter weight.

I want to know what my body shape looks like at a lower weight.

So it sounds like I really want to get there, but I’m comfy where I am and that’s settling for just ok.  I might as well put in the hard work then see how I like it.

I can hear small murmurs of, “For heaven’s sake, you don’t have 100lbs to lose – give yourself a break!”.  Maybe that was my voice.

I want to give myself an ultimatum – but I lack the energy to treat myself like that. Maybe it’s time for the pros and cons list:

Reasons to Lose

• keeping a promise to myself
• still do have weight to lose – I’d like to have a bmi or under 23
• I still have a large waist size.
• a lower weight will help with my fitness
• summer clothes.  There’s always summer clothes.
• spring clothes
• experience a twinge of dieting euphoria (just trying out how that one feels)

Reasons to stay where I am

• it will be hard work
• it will require consistent journalling
• it will mean adjusting my self-image when I’m just getting used to this weight
• it will mean risking not being happy with that goal.

Hmm – there’s really nothing compelling on the second list.  I dread journalling like I dread ironing – it’s much better when you get in to the rhythm of the activity.  “Adjusting my self image” was meant to be an exciting part of this whole process; I’m not sure how it got in the negatives list and not wanting to take a little risk is nonsense.  I generally like risk.

OK – despite the ennui I feel towards the whole process, I think I’m out of excuses.  I guess I’d better try to summon up some enthusiasm for seeing the scale dip.  And prepare to write daily about how it’s going. (yawn)

Journal starts tomorrow.  I can even go to Weight Watchers in the morning and weigh in with everyone else.  Maybe that will be my motivation!  I have to attend WW every week until I weigh in below 140 on my home scale.

When the carrot doesn’t work, use the stick!  That gives me the teeniest rush of enthusiasm.