Testing the waters…

For the last few weeks, I’ve been testing myself with various trigger foods. Last week, I brought a jar of peanut butter into the house, and have been eating it in very small quantities (usually with a whole wheat English muffin in the morning).

After that, I scored some great dark chocolate (individually wrapped pieces) and allow myself one each evening. Sometimes I even open a bottle of wine, and drink 8 oz. worth after dinner. Strangely enough, the wine has been the hardest to withstand – it’s very tempting to go back for seconds.

Tonight I stopped at Trader Joe’s and bought a chunk of (gasp) real cheese – some Spanish sheep’s milk manchego, which is to die for (imo). For some reason, these little “tests” seem to be reinforcing my confidence in myself. In fact, I had a brainwave today – I was walking back to my car from the dentist’s office, and suddenly thought “This is it.This food plan working.” Yeah, it’s a somewhat vague epiphany, but for the first time in a very long time, I felt confident that my progress was going to continue. I’m not sure why I had this revelation in a parking lot, but I’ll take it wherever it comes.

My biggest fear is that no matter how much I “practice” eating and trying to conquer food, it will all come crashing down at a moment’s notice. I’m a little nervous about Katie and John’s upcoming visit, because I know I have a tendency to blow out when visiting or entertaining.

BUT on the other hand, maybe if I start indulging myself now, I’ll be content to continue the indulgences on the same small scale while they’re here, instead of going from famine to feast like I usually do. Hmmmm….something to think about.