It occurs to me that I have been struggling with my weight since I was 14. At that time, I weighed exactly 135 pounds at 5′ 7″. And I was convinced that I was SO fat. Not in the anorexic “never eat anything” way, but in the “crazy fad diet” way. And we made most of our diets up. A donut for breakfast, followed by diet soda and cigarettes the rest of the day. Then McD’s for dinner. Of course, by that time we were starving, so we’d go with the big sandwiches and large fries. And we wondered why it didn’t work! I know why it didn’t, but back then, we couldn’t figure it out. I DO know how to make it work these days. I just haven’t had the internal…fortitude? …strength? …guts? to do it. Why? I don’t know. Does it matter why? Can I just accept the fact that the answer to “why?” is not available to me right now? Can I just do it anyway, and find another way to deal with whatever it is that keeps me from meeting my goals? Maybe exercise, or something social that doesn’t involve food. Maybe getting out on my bike and clearing my head of cobwebs and old garbage.
To that end, I am going to be signing back on to WW Online at some point this weekend. In the meantime, I’ve stocked my kitchen with the right stuff, and have planned some changes to some of my habits, even the healthy ones. For instance, even though I know I can lose weight while eating a big bowl of air-popped popcorn almost every night, I’m going to switch that up with a (measured) bowl of cereal–something healthy but tasty, and some milk. That way, I can get a bit of sweet without depriving myself. It’s time to get the job done. I’m almost 53 years old, and am still struggling with whatever internal demons are making this difficult for me. I’ve done many things I’m proud of, that required strength and persistence. I can do this too. Even though money is tight right now, there are some things that ARE important enough to pursue despite the cost. And this is one of them. The trick then is how to approach this differently this time. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I can’t do this the same way I have been. The result has been giving up, regaining weight, and ending up right where I started–or worse!
That’s one of the big challenges then. How to do this differently, to change the result, and get out of the grips of weight yo-yo insanity. Luckily, I have some time over the next few days to think about it. And I already know what my first step is. On Monday, I am turning in my DVR, and canceling my cable TV. I will keep my internet service, of course. But without the convenience of watching TV constantly, that will leave my schedule open to more things like cooking from one of the zillion WW cookbooks I own, or getting out for some exercise, or reading one of the many books waiting for my attention, or goofing off to help burn up job-related stress. While the idea of not having TV at the ready was scary the first time I thought about it, I am now looking forward to the possibilities. The idea started as a result of an experiment in taking a BIG step in changing my life, based on a class that I took at the local university. I tried it for a week–no weeknight TV. And it was very freeing. I was afraid to stick with it, so I let it slide, but I’m ready now. That extra cash will be helpful in many areas, like helping pay for my WW online subscription. Thanks to life coach Jeanette, who instructed that class, for starting the process that generated that idea! And I truly believe that this is the start of something big. Or maybe “less big” is the way to say it.
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