Last 10 Pounds 9/42

The scale says I spent the weekend undoing all my previous hard work. I’m doubting that but it was a teeny poke in the ribs to wake up and do what I want to do.

Yesterday wasn’t superb as far as behaviour but I did haul my most unwilling body off the sofa and go for a 5 mile walk. I didn’t run at all and even my music was the stuff that I normally use for stretching and cooling down. I’m relieved to find that my new 5 mile route can be used for relaxing as well as killing my lungs.

But this morning I realised what has been missing for the past couple of days: I’ve been thinking about all the “shoulds” of this process but haven’t once thought about what it is that I really want. Not once.

So today I’m thinking about 139. That’s what I want. That’s what I want.

Here’s a London experience that shows how far I have to go with that.

The husband and I went to a pub where I settled on the patio and he went and asked for a glass of Merlot and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. They were surprisingly nice for pub wines. After dinner, I went to the bar and asked for exactly the same thing – only I came back with undrinkable swill. Honestly.

I furiously decided just to drink mine but the husband took his back and returned with a glass of the good stuff. It was a real crisis moment for me. I knew exactly what I wanted but I equally knew that I didn’t want to go through the hassle and embarrassment of getting it. I sat with the glass of wine for about half an hour before I finally got up the nerve. But I did it. I suffered the patronizing bartender (who had exchanged the man’s wine with an apology! grrrr) and I drank the whole glass even though I didn’t actually want it by then.

So this 139 project is a little part of a big thing in my life. I was raised by good people who were horrified by ambition of any kind and “getting what you want” just didn’t feature in life. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t want to become selfish and this is all tempered for me with “God willing” and with a big concern for how my life impacts the lives of others. But not living up to your potential because you don’t want to look ambitious or successful is another kind of selfish.

So weight is big but what I’m working on has implications for the rest of my life too. 139 is a symbol for who I want to be.

A post-script thought which just hit me like a bolt from the blue:

For anyone inclined this way, have a look at Psalm 139. This is what draws the line between “realising potential” and “selfish ambition” and keeps 139 entirely in perspective.