2010 June » Talking It Off

Last 10 Pounds 7/42

Jun 192010

The only reason yesterday wasn’t a disaster was that I had exactly the right food in the house and knew what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening was notable for the disastrous football rather than disastrous eating so that’s something. I did have an extra glass of wine for medicinal purposes.

It seems that I’ve lost 1.8lbs this week. That’s just a fact – not a reason to do a dance. But it’s the right direction and it reflects my behaviour this week.

**********************************************************************************************************

Little stars mean the start of an unrelated thought. I wish I had little stars for talking – sometimes the conversational shifts are a little sudden.

One of my favourite things about Nutracheck is that, for a tiny monthly fee, I have permanent storage of my weight loss history for the past 2.5 years. Sadly, in an effort to create a “clean slate” I wiped out Jan-July 08 – but I know that I lost about 15lbs then put 10 back on. That gain was the turning point that prompted me to start writing about the process.

Once in a while it’s worth looking at the big picture.

Interruption: Why oh why do I feel guilty for not having to suffer as much as other people? Or rather, why do I feel I have to apologise for not letting myself become obese? I should be very proud of myself for stopping and turning and never going back to that high weight even during the most stressful 2 years of my life. Right. That’s official. I am genuinely proud of myself for not allowing my weight to get even more out of control than it was.

Interruption over.

The thing I learn most from the chart below is that I have a very very poor memory when it comes to my weight loss journey. I thought I was going to see that I’ve been below my current weight many times in the past 12 months. In fact, I’ve been bouncing around the same 5lbs since the end of November – not even seven months.

Is it too painfully obvious to point out that the gains happen during the breaks from journalling and, except for one Christmas/surgery episode, those breaks are when I’m in Canada? Apparently, I did something right last summer and didn’t gain anything during a 6 week break. I guess I’d better figure out what it was and do it again.

I truly thought I was stuck in a never-ending battle to lose the last 10 pounds. Turns out I’m not “stuck”; I just need to pay attention and be committed to maintaining when I take a break from trying to lose weight.

I use the word “just” as though it’s going to be easy. I’d better rephrase….It turns out I’m not stuck; I’m prone to getting lazy when I’m not in losing mode. So I will continue with the “hard work” even when I weigh exactly what I want to weigh.

And I will stop apologising to imaginary people for doing what I need to do to get what I want.

(And that makes me feel awkward just writing it.)

Sat 19 Jun 10	146.6 lbs	23.4 lbs	24.4
Sat 12 Jun 10	148.4 lbs	21.6 lbs	24.7
Sat 22 May 10 Break +4.5lbs	148.6 lbs	21.4 lbs	24.7
Sat 10 Apr 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 20 Mar 10	146 lbs	24.0 lbs	24.3
Sat 13 Mar 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 06 Mar 10	143.5 lbs	26.5 lbs	23.9
Sat 27 Feb 10	144 lbs	26.0 lbs	24.0
Sat 20 Feb 10	146 lbs	24.0 lbs	24.3
Sat 06 Feb 10 Break +4lbs	147 lbs	23.0 lbs	24.5
Sat 28 Nov 09	143 lbs	27.0 lbs	23.8
Sat 14 Nov 09	146.2 lbs	23.8 lbs	24.3
Sat 07 Nov 09	147.4 lbs	22.6 lbs	24.5
Sat 31 Oct 09	147.5 lbs	22.5 lbs	24.5
Sat 24 Oct 09	150 lbs	20.0 lbs	25.0
Sat 19 Sep 09	149.5 lbs	20.5 lbs	24.9
Fri 04 Sep 09 Break – same!	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 17 Jul 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 10 Jul 09	149.5 lbs	20.5 lbs	24.9
Sat 04 Jul 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 26 Jun 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Fri 12 Jun 09	151 lbs	19.0 lbs	25.1
Sun 07 Jun 09 Break +2lbs	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Fri 03 Apr 09	151 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Sat 28 Mar 09	151 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Mon 02 Mar 09	152 lbs	14.0 lbs	26.0
Tue 20 Jan 09 Break +5lbs	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Tue 02 Dec 08	148 lbs	22.0 lbs	24.6
Mon 10 Nov 08	149 lbs	21.0 lbs	24.8
Mon 27 Oct 08	150 lbs	20.0 lbs	25.0
Fri 03 Oct 08	153 lbs	17.0 lbs	25.5
Sat 20 Sep 08	155 lbs	15.0 lbs	25.8
Mon 08 Sep 08	156 lbs	14.0 lbs	26.0
Mon 25 Aug 08	157 lbs	13.0 lbs	26.1
Mon 18 Aug 08	159 lbs	11.0 lbs	26.5
Mon 11 Aug 08	160 lbs	10.0 lbs	26.6
Mon 04 Aug 08	161 lbs	9.0 lbs	26.8
Mon 28 Jul 08	163 lbs	7.0 lbs	27.1
Mon 21 Jul 08	165 lbs	5.0 lbs	27.5
Wed 02 Jan 08	170 lbs	0.0 lbs	28.3

Last 10 Pounds 5&6/42

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 182010

I’ve been at a conference so my brain is full and I’ve got all sorts of feedback to give people and it’s Friday. (The Friday issue may be the key to my lack of brain power at the moment.)

So this will be short. I did very well until I let myself get too hungry and lost the plot between 4 and 10 pm on Wednesday. Quite a lot of plot-losing can happen in 6 hours.

Yesterday was fine because I was in a conference all day, drinking loads of water and not touching the biscuits at break time or the desserts at lunch. Unbelievably, the food was lovely so I did eat well and managed to wait until 9pm to eat dinner.

So it’s back to losing mode today.

I think I’ve decided that, even when I really really want to lose excess pounds, it’s more sane to agree to maintaining rather than attempting to lose while I’m out of town. Sanity is more important than a couple of ounces off and I’m pretty sure that a decision to “do my best” leads to more sensible behaviour than the expectation to accomplish the impossible and lose weight while eating out for two days. I will test this hyposthesis next time I’m working away and report back with my findings.

OK – better go find some mental energy to get back to work. I’d rather curl up with a book but emails beckon.

Last 10 Pounds 4/42

Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 152010

So.

Did I have enough calories for eating what I ate yesterday? Yes – with lots left over.

Did I binge? Nope – bingeing doesn’t happen often anymore.

Was I stuffed full? No.

Was I happy with my eating? Sadly, no.

In a normal “diet” just scraping by with the right numbers is fine. However, in the battle for food/body sanity, there are a couple of mindsets that still bother me and yesterday I fought one of them all day.

It was the, “I really want to do this but I’m going away so it’s going to be difficult so I might as well blow it today so blowing it tomorrow doesn’t ruin a nice break” mindset – or, slightly more pithy: “the sabotage now and avoid the rush” mindset.

It’s an old one and at least I know when it’s happening but it’s a mighty strong current which drags me towards more food and drink than I need. If I wasn’t battling to work hard and take off these last 10 pounds, then I suppose there would be no such thing. You can’t sabotage normal, can you?

But I’m under no illusion that I’m eating normally right now. I’m eating to lose weight while not making myself a social outcast and that’s a narrow road to walk.

So I survived yesterday but battled and battled and battled. I had also banked enough calories to allow myself a nice dinner out but have slightly dented that balance.

This has got to be short as there’s lots to do before we hit the road. I’ll report back on Days 5 and 6.

Last 10 Pounds 3/42

Last Ten Pounds 1 Response »

Jun 142010

Grumpy! But at least it gave me a chance to practice the 139 visualisation about 100 times. It was just one of those days where I normally would have eaten my annoyance with the world just because I couldn’t name the problem and fix it.

I still managed to eat reasonably, stay within calories and take a short walk. (I may still be a little grumpy.)

Emotional Essentials:

A long time ago I wrote about being ready to leave the “fat club” and I was and am still in that mindset. I no longer worry that I won’t have a place in the (almost) Universal Sisterhood. I’m happy about that because I think the fear of not belonging held me back for a long time.

However, I’m discovering during this last 10 pounds thing that I still have a weird worry. I don’t want to be succeeding when others are struggling. Bizarrely, I have no problem with struggling while others are succeeding. In fact, I usually find it encouraging.

Ha – I just searched this blog and came up with this post from February. I obviously identified the issue but didn’t work it through in real life. I guess that’s the story of my weight loss journey! It take so long to work these things through and out of my life.

So why do I still need people to know what a struggle this is? And it IS a struggle. But, if I lose weight and keep it off, I am fully aware that people will think I’m “lucky” and that irks me beyond belief.

AH…..insight! I am an affirmation junky and if people think I’m just “lucky” with my weight loss, then the results somehow mean less to me.

It reminds of a Hallowe’en many many years ago when my kids were 4 and 2. There was a serious pumpkin shortage – as in NONE at all in the grocery stores so I took the kids downtown and we went into some businesses which had piles of pumpkins in their window displays. My charming son (and I mean Charming with a capital C) did the talking and eventually wangled us a beauty.

In one shop, after we’d all said thank you to the manager who had refused our request, someone said to me, “You’re so lucky to have such polite children!” And I wanted to punch her. LUCKY????? YOU THINK I’M LUCKY? (I thought, quietly to myself.) My children’s manners had and have nothing to do with luck and everything to do with the relentless hard work of their parents.

Hmmm (the sound of more thinking) – I guess this blog is my way of proving to the world that this process is a struggle and that I will have earned every benefit of a smaller, fitter body.

If anyone thinks I’m lucky, I’ll just point them over here.

Last 10 Pounds 2/42

Last Ten Pounds No Responses »

Jun 142010

Yesterday was postitive for food and exercise and, interestingly, also postitive for house cleaning. Positive thinking does have positive results. So now I have sore muscles but a tidy bedroom and slightly less cat hair in the lungs.

Foodwise it was easy because it was just a repeat of the day before. Today, we shift the menu for two days. The two days thing has nothing to do with weight loss – it just reflects that fact that there are two people instead of four in the house so each normal recipe feeds us for two meals. Tonight, chilli with lots of vegetables.

There’s not a lot of insight to share because it’s still too early in the process. “Honeymoon” would be pushing it, but I’m still slightly in love with feeling in control. I’m still happy to eat the same breakfasts and lunches. When Grim Determination sets in, that’s when the real thinking begins.

So for now I’ll put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Challenge for the week: two days in London

Wednesday

breakfast: home- porridge
lunch: sandwhich on the road – ok – will pack
dinner: pub It’s a toss-up between stuffed red pepper and a burger with salad.
evening: wine – we’ll be watching the World Cup in a pub so there’s going to be alcohol. Just need to decide how much and stick to the limit.

Thursday

breakfast: ugh- not much choice. Wait! Can get porridge at Starbucks. That’s a plan.
lunch: ick – no choice at all. “Sh*t on a Stick” aka conference food. I’ll have a couple of nibbles and just stay hungry.
dinner: Will grab a latte or something for the car then eat when we get home in the evening.

So we’ll pack some oranges and bananas for snacking in the hotel and car.

And exercise? London is, for me, a city for walking so that’s what I’ll do. I’ve just had a look at the maps and I think I can fit in a couple of miles in the morning before the conference. Timing will be everything.

Finally – How’s the “139″ strategy working? Amazingly well for someone who doesn’t make much use of mental strategies. When I’m tempted to eat without hunger, I picture stepping on the scale and seeing “139″. Sounds too simple, and maybe I just haven’t felt tested yet. Let’s see how it works faced with a pub menu in London.

Last 10 Pounds 1/42

Last Ten Pounds No Responses »

Jun 132010

OK – This is not going to be exciting but it’s going to be part of the process for me over the next six weeks. Yes, I’ve set a goal and now a deadline! Talk about risky. But it has worked for me before and this isn’t the forever thing. This is getting off the last ten pounds.

Just as I did with the first ten pounds, I’m going to come here daily and report in arrears what I did to get closer to my goals.

Yesterday I’m pleased to say that my behaviour reflected where I want to go. That’s all I can ask of myself. I ate well, measured portions, journalled what I ate and stopped when I’d reached my daily limits.

Breakthrough moment: It felt like time for another glass of wine but I was really done with the calories. The husband hesitated to get another glass so I just asked him to get me a pint glass of tap water instead. And it was fine. I didn’t seethe with resentment that he could and I couldn’t. I just pictured that 139 and enjoyed my water.

The lovely irony is that I weigh half a pound more today than I did yesterday. If I was a newby at this and not aware of my normal daily weight fluctuations, I’d be upset. But it’s all about the BEHAVIOUR which will lead to the GOAL. The daily weighing is nothing more than interesting. If a week of positive behaviour doesn’t lead to a loss then I will change the behaviour.

Thanks to Nutracheck, I can go back and see exactly what I’ve done during weeks with steady losses and (no drum roll necessary) it’s daily exercise. I’m not at the gym anymore so I’m going to have to do a whole lot of trotting around the local streets. I’ve got routes mapped out from two to five miles and I can choose to walk only or walk/run them but I am going to keep moving.

Eating Essentials:

I have to have enough food at dinner to really fill me up. I can graze on little meals throughout the day but I want to eat once in the evening and call it a day. It mostly about the fact that the evening meal is social and I want to share in the sociability without feeling ostracised. And there’s nothing like a “diet plate” to make me feel left out.

Mind Essentials:

I sometimes have serious doubts about the validity of this blog because I’m no longer technically overweight and that same mindset has kept me from taking off these last few pounds. I feel embarrassed to be putting so much time and energy into something that is now just selfish. Not sure what to do with that except to shut up the voice with the fact that it’s still matter of health and well-being. Hmmm. Will need to think more about that.

Getting What I Want

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 122010

I speak for women in general and myself in particular when I say that we’re not always very good at deciding what we want and going for it. I suspect that, for me, I don’t dare to be ambitious because the risk of failure is too high. There’s certainly an element of that in my professional life, but what about in my relationship with with food and my body?

Am I really afraid of failure? I have failed and survived to tell the tale so many times that it shouldn’t be a big deterrent. Maybe it’s that I’ve failed so many many times at this that I picture failure rather than success right from the outset. I say what I want but I picture all the reasons that I won’t get there.

I have no idea why this little insight has popped up today and not before. But it popped into my head when I was trying to think of what it is that I REALLY want right now from this body/food project and my thought was that I REALLY want to look at the scale and see a number that starts with 13…..

I hate to be that shallow. I hate to be that scale oriented. But still…..that’s what I want before I want to run 10k or have low cholesterol or a healthy waist size. And I do want all those things but they’re not what I REALLY WANT RIGHT NOW.

I want to weigh less than 140 pounds so I’m going to achieve it.

That’s a brave statement which, rather uncomfortably, leaves me open to failure.

It’s almost two years since I started heading towards something. My last post pointed out that the number I was heading for isn’t exactly where I want to be. But I didn’t say this: I’m afraid that, if I get to where I want to be, I might have to re-invent myself as a thin person.

When I was very nearly down to 140, my daughter looked at me and said, “I’ve never had a thin mum before and you’re a thin mum!” Of course, thanks to years of body image insanity, that sent me into a tailspin. Sigh.

So it’s what I say I want but I have to give myself time when I get there to adjust my own perceptions of who I am and what I think I should look like.

Will I have to re-invent myself? I just don’t know – maybe.

Will I have to find something else to blog about? I guess I could blog about reinventing myself as thin person.

Will I find out that people don’t really care one way or another how big or small I am? Probably.

But that’s all jumping the gun and worrying about the finish at the start line. Instead of worrying about what’s at the end of this journey, I’m going to focus on what I want RIGHT NOW. All day long I’m going to picture myself stepping on the scale and seeing the number 139. Simple. I’m going to plan, portion, journal and think about that number – not anything else – and see where it takes me.

Perspective

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 072010

Do you ever scare yourself by looking at your face in the mirror too closely? It’s usually while I’m putting on makeup that I notice every crease and wrinkle. And let’s not even start a conversation about the horrors waiting in the magnified version – especially relating to stray hairs.

Anyway – the point is that, until you step away from the mirror and look at the whole picture, it’s very difficult to see what you actually look like.

A woman is much much more (and better) than the sum of her flaws.

Back in January 2008, when I weighed 170lbs, I set a goal weight in my head. After many years in this country I have to acknowledge that I still don’t know my 14 times table but I do know that 10 stone is 140 pounds. That was my goal in my 30s so I stuck a half stone on there for a realistic weight to head towards.

Two and a half years later I find myself really unhappy with my body as reflected in my weight. Why? Because I’m staring at the numbers and seeing the flaws rather than standing back and getting a realistic picture.

one step
two steps
three steps (away from the numbers)

OK. Here’s the new perspective.

My original goal weight was 147 lbs. This morning I weight 147.2 lbs. I’m still there, so congratulate and celebrate!

Yes, I’m flabby around the middle. And that would be because I haven’t been walking and running and weight training. My choice; my consequence.

Do I want to weigh less than I do now? Yes

Am I going to do what it takes to get there? Hmmmmmm. Well, why not?

But I want to do this from a positive rather than a negative place. I’m absolutely fine and healthy the way I am but I’m interested to know what I look like with that last half stone off. I’m interested to know whether or not I can maintain that weight with my present trans-continental life.

If I get down to 140lbs then find that I just can’t stay there, would someone PLEASE remind me that 147 is just fine? That I can enjoy life and food and still maintain this weight? That I can walk and run at this weight? That I can still find clothes at this weight? That I’m not BIG at this weight?

OK – now I’ve got the perspective I need to do this last bit of hard work. And it will be hard work. The husband wants to come along for the ride and take off a few pounds too. So, as soon as I get back from a couple of days away working, I’m going to start this last leg in earnest and look foward to seeing what summer looks and feels like a little bit lighter.

1 Day

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Jun 022010

As opposed to Day 1. I’ve had a lot of those, but this is Day Countless and I’m happy with that.

In between masses of work related things to do and life related things to do, I’ve been thinking and observing.

Observing first:

The eating while waiting for the kettle to boil is a THING. Really. I had to stop myself several times from mindlessly eating while standing there at the counter. I ashamed to admit that because, in my head, I’m very critical of people who use the phrase “mindless eating” but I just did and I meant it. So there’s more work ahead.

Thinking:

There was an article in the Times (London, not New York) which I initially ignored because I thought I knew what it was going to say. It was about developing a female version of viagra to “fix” the problem (that should have inverted commas too) of lack of libido in women.

When I got round to reading it and all the commentaries, I found that the most popular view was “RUBBISH! What women need is to feel comfortable in their own skin.” There are so many links that I can’t choose just one – so go to timesonline.co.uk and have a look around. (But hurry because it’s going to become a pay only site this month.)

Anyway the thing I read again and again was that this is NOT a medical issue but a matter of women being confident in their bodies. And this led me to thinking more about why I want to lose more weight. Or do I?

I’m currently reasonably happy with my size. I’m medium and it’s not a huge effort to stay this way. I’m curious to know what I’d feel like as a “skinny mini” – say another 10 pounds down – but I’m not unhappy. That said, I still don’t feel like I’ve arrived at where I thought I was going. I’m not under 140lbs. In fact, I’m barely under 150lbs right now.

But is where I thought I was going going to make me healthier, happier, anything-ier? I wonder.

It’s evening now and my day of observing and thinking is drawing to an end. Not because it’s bedtime but because I need to go and have a revoltingly happy gossip session with some women friends – one of whom will notice and ask about my weight and two of whom will not.

Friends who notice your weight. That’s another post.

More Habits

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 012010

OK. I’ve spent the past few days observing a bad habit but not doing anything about it. Literally, as I’ve been wiping crumbs from the edge of my mouth, I’ve been thinking, “I should do something about that” – but I don’t.

Today is the day.

Observe:

I need/want a cup of tea.
I go downstairs and put the kettle on.
It starts to make that heating up noise that only fast British kettles can make. They are fast.
In the time is takes to boil enough water for a cup of tea, I get out the cracker container and reach up and get the peanut butter/honey/jam/whatever.
I pour the water over the teabag.
While the tea is brewing I make and eat a small pb on cracker sandwich.
I put milk in tea and think, “I’m hungry – think I’ll make a couple more of those to eat while I’m drinking my tea.”

Put like that it looks silly and irrelevant but if I do this just twice a day, 4 days per week, it amounts to more than 60,000 extra calories per year. Extra – over and above what I need to live a healthy active life.

SO – today is that day I do something else during the boiling/brewing waiting times. I’ll let you know what it turns out to be.

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