Why?

I binged yesterday. At first I was going to say that I don’t know why I binged but I think that might not be true. I think that I’m stressed about a number of changes and uncertainties in my life right now and I don’t do well with change and uncertainty. While the idea of building and moving into a new house is exciting it is also really scary for me to go back into a mortgage, even if it will be quite a small one. I worry about being laid off even though there is no reason to think I will be. I am totally terrified of owing more than I can pay, of being homeless, penniless. What is strange is that I have never been any of these things. We had little money growing up but we were never needy. But this has always been a pretty deep rooted fear of mine. So yesterday I binged to drive away the fear. Unfortunately it doesn’t work, not even while the binge is taking place.

People who binge talk about feeling good while they are eating, they talk about eating to numb the fear/pain whatever. I don’t get that release. Yesterday, I realized that I just felt sad – before, during and after. So obviously the binge didn’t help anything, it only added sadness to the stress. Oh, and a sense of shame. Let’s not forget the shame. Because let’s face it, I’m ashamed that as self aware as I am, I still can’t turn that into change. Maybe the changes that cause me stress also resist allowing me to change myself. Maybe the comfort that I feel in my old bad habits are stronger than any incentive that I can find to replace them with something that will get me to my weight loss goals.

I wonder if I can allow myself to take a chance that I will probably never be homeless, starving, deep in debt and needy? Knowing that binging only makes me sad, can I give it up? Honestly, I don’t know.