One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back. I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print. In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.
So what happened to 139, you ask?
Indeed.
So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.
EX V: I want to weight 139lbs
IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.
EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.
IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.
EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.
IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.
And finally,
EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.
IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).
So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.
On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months. I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!
And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday. So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.
Hi Millie. Did you ever see the comedy classic Animal House, where the little devil and little angel over the characters shoulder battle for control? That how I feel sometimes with the external voices and the internal voices. But what I’ve learned is that the internal voice is a remnant of the past that just doesn’t serve you more. Often, those negative thoughts come from fear, the desire to protect ourselves from disappointment, etc. But in readfing your blog, it sure sounds like the external voice is going to come out ahead! Great news about the decluttering and shredding of papers…doing stuff like that always seems to clear me out to a healthier lifestyle too.
Hi Shira. Thanks for dropping by. I’ve been enjoying your blog.
I haven’t seen Animal House since 1979. Remember the olden days when you only saw a movie once in the theatre?
I like your idea that the internal voice is “a remnant of the past”. I ‘m going to think about that one a little more. For me, the long road to food/body sanity has involved bringing that internal voice out into the light. Sometimes, after a period of cruising, I start to struggle because I forget that the voice even exists. It’s an intersting journey.
Oops – the man is calling me to dinner. Better get going.