More Thoughts on Family

This morning as I was reading more of Women Food and God while working on the treadmill (wow, talke about multi tasking), I realized that while I’ve been pushing away family (see my previous post), I’ve also been chasing after it. The problem is that I’ve been chasing after some vision of a perfect family that just doesn’t exist because let’s face it, families are loud, messy, uncooperative and embarrassing. And that’s a ‘good’ family. But if I’m really honest and I stop worrying about how it sounds, I really don’t want to be spend time with my family as a group, I much prefer to spend time with individuals in my family. That’s why I get a bit claustrophobic when I have to deal with my entire family but I enjoy visiting with them separately. It’s why I don’t have a lot of patience with the squabbling between my 2 granddaughters when they both visit but I enjoy having them stay over 1 at a time.

Trying to force this whole vision of a perfect family on myself is only serving to make me unhappy. Perfect example was Christmas Eve. My picture of family on that day involved my step son and his live in girlfriend showing up about 2:30-3:00 pm with their 2 children. I would have some munchies prepared for them when they showed up. We would open gifts in the afternoon so the kids could play with their gifts while I finished preparing dinner. We would have a lovely dinner together and they would still be able to leave early enough so the kids could get to bed at their usual bedtime. Instead they showed up just before dinner after the hors d’oevres were cold, the kids were already tired and cranky. Their gift for me was a family picture, not in a nice frame, just the picture with some Christmas paper slapped around it. I know that money was tight for them and while a family picture might be a nice gift, it really wasn’t much different than the family picture they had given us a few months before. It felt like a complete disregard of me as part of their family. So, needless to say, my day was ruined because my picture of what should have been a lovely family day didn’t match reality.

My point is that every time I attempt to force my vision of what a family should be I end up disappointed and angry. And of course, that’s when I eat away my feelings.

BUT…..

The thing is, reality is never going to match my expectations because even if everything was perfect, it’s not really what I want. What I want is small amounts of time spent with individuals. I don’t want to be surrounded with a large noisy family. I’d be just as happy if a family dinner consisted of a bucket of take out chicken in the middle of the table. Is there any rule that says that I have to want a family? If I can accept that this is just the way I am and that I am not a freak, then I think I might just lift a huge weight off my shoulders.