26Aug10 Fantasy/Reality
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I wonder when I will stop holding onto every chronic dieter’s fantasy:

I work hard.  I lose the weight.  I then go on to live a “normal” eating life and never have to think about it again.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

I have once again put on my “West Coast 4″ due to over socialising. (Good!)

And under exercising. (Bad!)

I want to rage against the unfairness of it all when the sensible voice in my head says something like, “You do know that’s how the human body works, right?”

Sigh and sigh again. Of course I know. But I still want to arrive at my holiday destination weighing 145lbs, eat drink and be lazy for three weeks and continue to weigh 145lbs.

So I guess I’d better start incorporating  “No, thank you” and “Where are my running shoes?” into my daily conversations.

Onward………

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19Aug10 Slow Summer
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I never intended there to be such a lull in writing but summer life has enveloped me.  I like that summer lull and appreciate the down-time.  Just wish I didn’t gain weight while lulling my days away but that seems to be the inevitable side effect.

The challenge of my life is that I tend to come away for 6 weeks of summer – far too long for a normal holiday – so I have to decide where to draw the line and declare the holiday over.

The scales are suggesting that NOW would be a good time but my social calendar is thinking maybe in a week.  Calendar wins but I will do my best to not gain any more weight.

It’s funny – but a couple of pounds gained through happy socialising don’t bother me nearly as much as a couple of pounds gained through lonely simple carb stuffing. Of course a couple plus a couple equals a few and THAT stresses me out.

But for now I’m going to enjoy the view, keep sorting out this funny old people’s house, take a walk once in a while, and love and respect my body when it comes to eating. On that note – I may be a salmon the next time anyone sees me as the husband came home with 40lbs of the stuff.  At least I’ll have plenty of omega 3 coursing through my body.

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8Aug10 Oh Oh
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Day 3 of the holiday is starting and I’ve fallen into a vat of simple carbs. And not in a good way.

So what’s the plan?

I hate having to plan.
But, even more, I hate the thought of putting on 5 pounds because I can’t be bothered to plan.

So today I’m going to think before I eat. I’m going to recognise hunger and stay away from the simple carbs that seem to fuel this city.

Lunch is a family bbq where there will almost no healthy food, the kind which, helpfully, I don’t find appetising. Not that that always stops me eating, but I will focus on how unappealing and unhealthy it all is.

Dinner is undecided but will certainly be at a restaurant. The challenge will be finding a salad which really is healthy. Or maybe some tomato based pasta.

I don’t need anything else. Breakfast is over and done. If we go for coffee, I’ll choose the smallest size. If the weather clears, we’ll do some walking.

I’ll check in tomorrow.

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8Aug10 Nutritional Wisdom
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Girl Guide cookies are not suitable meal replacements.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
6Aug10 Holidays!
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So far the plan (or “plan”) I concocted from the other side of the Atlantic seems to have gone the way of missing luggage.  I’m sure it’ll turn up eventually.

But today I’m off away from my home from home for a whole week and I’ve decided not to take the laptop.  I can blog on my Blackberry if I feel so inclined but I’m guessing I won’t.

So – see you in a week or so.

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2Aug10 The “Maintenance Diet”
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Lying awake last night, in an effort to stop thinking about packing, I started thinking about this whole weight loss journey.

For ages now I’ve been thinking that I’m ready to experience maintenance, finally – for the first time ever – actually paying attention to keeping my weight stable.  But I’m not yet at the weight I want to maintain.

SO…..and this is where I’m feeling a little bit clever, what if I focus on maintaining the weight I want to be?

What if I just eat and move as though I’m lighter than I actually am?  Wouldn’t I eventually just weigh that much?

I’ve taken 2 years to get to where I am anyway and that slow process has been the best thing possible for changing my thinking about the “all or nothing” pendulum of weight loss and weight gain.  However, it’s only slowed it and I want to stop the pendulum completely!  I want to just eat the way I’m going to have to eat for the rest of my life, understanding that I will need less as I get older and that I will have to stay committed to moving.

There’s no getting away from the fact that, to lose weight right now, I have to put myself into “diet” mode and I need a break from that. A big fat permanent break.

Of course, I’m only saying all this because I’m not particularly unhappy with how I’m looking these days.  For my optimum health and vanity I should weigh less, but, in the big scheme of an increasingly obese society, I don’t look very fat.  I also own clothes that I like and want to wear again in the autumn and winter.  In truth, I’ll be very happy to take a whole year to lose the last bit of weight.  But I’m not sure it’s going to take that long.

Here are the numbers:

A sedentary 50 year old woman who is maintaining a weight of 135 pounds should eat about 70 calories per day less than a moderatley active 49 year old woman who weighs 145 pounds.

When I factor in my minimal weekly activity,  I figure I’ve got a deficit of around 230 calories per day.

Of course, I will lose that 70 calories from the age and weight difference as I get older and lighter, so I’ll have to move that much more every day.  I’m hoping that walking about extra mile will do the trick.

If 10 pounds equals 35,000 calories, it will take me around 22 weeks to actually end up weighing 135 pounds.  That’s basically how many weeks there are left this year.  And I’m not that fussed about the 135 number – it was just nice and tidy to think in terms of 10 pounds. I’m also not that fussed about the 5 months.  I turn 50 at the end of April so wouldn’t that be a nice gift to give myself?

So – a recap of this experiment.  For the next few months I’m going to eat as though I’m an inactive 135 pound 50 year old.  But I’m going to live as though I’m a moderately active 49 year old. By the time I’m actually 50, I will know what it takes to stay slim and healthy.

That’s the plan.

At least until someone points out the fatal flaw in my apparently flawless thinking……….

2 Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Maintenance
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30Jul10 No News is No News
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I’m in my usual countdown panic as I try to tie up things in the UK and think ahead to what I’m going to need for the next 6 weeks in Canada.

And I’m still reflecting on this past week of “stepping back”.

All in all it’s been a good thing.  I’ve been chilled out about food and have lost the weight I gained due to stupid eating.  I’ve done a bit of running and a bit of walking and have enjoyed not writing it all down.

In my “counting unhatched chickens” way, I was thinking that I would have a relaxed week, get a final diagnosis from the senior consultant and then get on with life in whatever direction it was going to go.

But instead, as is normal in these “pre-hatched chicken counting” situations, I didn’t get any news at all from the appointment. Instead,and I quote the consultant, “we are back at square one”, which means that I know nothing more than I knew 6 months ago. I feel knocked back and maybe not quite as reslilant as I thought I was feeling.

But one good thing came out of a not very good appointment.  Firstly, I decided to take the husband into the room just so he could witness what I’ve been up against.  The senior doc was NOT pleased that I was seeing him rather than the other guy but – and this is the new thing for me – I just didn’t care. I think maybe I’m getting to the point where I’m not feeling awkward about being a pain.

Anyway, after telling me that there was no news, he leaned back in his chair and said, “Would you like me to refer you to the specialist liver unit for a second opinion even if it is a bit early for that?”

Old me might have given the decision back to him, asked him if I should wait until his team had had another chance.   New me just said, “Yes, I would.”

New me was also still too polite to ask how I could possibly get a second opinion when I hadn’t had a first one yet. But never mind.  I figure, God willing, I can be rude when I’m an old lady.

The slightly humourous thing about hospital appointments is that, when you step on the scales, everyone is hoping that you haven’t lost any weight. The nurse who weighs you smiles and commends you for not being much lighter than you were 3 months ago, and the doctor comments on how well you’re not losing.  I didn’t dare tell them how bloody hard I’d been working to lose it.  And I was truly glad to know that I could sit there and not worry that the pounds were falling off for the worst possible reason.

Funny old world.

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26Jul10 Getting Perspective
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I’ve taken a few days off – mostly because I’ve got deadlines – but partly because I needed to stand back for a bit to get some perspective.

I’m one of the few people I know who like installation art and one of my favourite installations is a collection of supposed fragments from a bombed out museum.  In order to look at it, you have to get very close to see what the fragments are,

then you have to stand way back to get a sense of the enormity of the piece.

If you stand back even further and watch people looking at the installation, you see a sort of slow dance of people walking up to the wall then backing away, then up and back again and again.

And I think that’s what this blog has become: you can see me peering carefully at my behaviour and my motives for a while and then watch me take a few steps back to try to get to grips with the whole picture.

I’m in that last week of my 3 months in this country and have so many deadlines and appointments that my first plan of action is to crawl back under the covers.

My second plan of action is to walk carefully through the next few days, acknowledging that I’m stressed about meeting up with the liver specialist and stressed about getting my business finances in order and stressed about chasing up late payments (WHY do the larger institutions treat the little guys so badly?).

I also confess to feeling stressed about not being where I wanted to be with the weight loss – but really, there’s nothing I can do about that so I’m going to relax  for the moment, stand back and take a good look at the big picture, ideally without the company of unrefined carbohydrates.

I will also go for a run or two or three despite the weather and despite my sincere desire to stay in my pjs and watch endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls.

2 Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process
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21Jul10 Coming Back from a Binge – Last 10lbs
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One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back.  I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print.  In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.

So what happened to 139, you ask?

Indeed.

So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.

EX V: I want to weight 139lbs

IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.

EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.

IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.

EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.

IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.

And finally,

EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.

IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).

So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.

On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months.  I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!

And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday.  So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.

2 Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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20Jul10 As if to prove a point…..
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Was it because I was thinking about binge eating?

Or was it just that the “perfect storm” was approaching and there was nothing I could do about it?

On Saturday, I listed the life ingredients that can cause me to binge.  So why didn’t I mention that I was feeling several of those things, and that I was going to have to negotiate a social event and then 2 days alone?  In other words, why didn’t I admit that the clouds were building and I needed a plan to avoid doing what I was obviously going to do?

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling grumpy and twitchy.  No amount of exercise or healthy food made me feel better.  I kept fast-forwarding through the next couple of weeks and allowing myself to stress about the “to do” list.  I also allowed myself to turn “what I want” into “what I must do”.  That’s not a good mind-set for me.

That night we had friends over and I just wanted to have fun.  Nothing at all in any way wrong with that, but I wasn’t admitting to myself that I couldn’t imagine reigning myself in again.

I woke up the next morning with a bit of a hangover and a weird impatience for the husband to leave on his business trip and let me get on with my work.  Ha! I DID have plans for work but there was that almost-but-not-quite-subconscious alter-ego making plans for what I was going to eat once he was out of the house.

And eat is what I did.  It wasn’t particularily junky food and some of it was even planned.  But it was pretty non-stop and way way too much for any woman of my size and stature. And, of course, there was baking.

This morning, I woke up feeling vaguely ill and it took me a long time to get out of bed to face the day (and myself).

What were my choices?

  • I could do it again because I have another day alone, but I’m relieved to say that didn’t appeal at all.
  • I could put it behind me and relish the clean slate – zero the journal and act as though today was the first day of the week.

But I wasn’t sure that was quite right either.  I’ve definitely moved on from blowing a whole week/month/year but now I need to move myself along a little further.  It’s GOOD that I’m willing to draw a line under negative eating behaviour and move on.  But it’s better to look back and FACE IT before I wipe it off.

That’s the difference.  I’ve been moving on without looking back, without learning from my rather spectacular crash and burn episodes.  So I went back to my journal and wrote down everything I could remember eating in the past 48 hours.  And I remember a lot – partly because much of it was planned so it was only the significant “extras” that I needed to remember.

The total?

  • Sunday: 2600 calories
  • Monday: 2500 calories

That’s  interesting because I would have thought I’d eaten much more yesterday.  At least, my mindset was much less healthy while I was eating yesterday so it felt like a binge rather than just eating too much with friends.

An the outcome of this exercise?  Well – basically, the “worst” I can do isn’t all that bad.  My ultimate disaster – the shameful binge – is actually just a couple of days of overeating.  I reset my Nutracheck goal for this week to “maintenance” and all of a sudden it’s all completely retrievable.  I will keep running and walking and eating sensibly and I’ll leave it a couple of days to weigh myself.

But it’s all ok.  It is.

I may have just disarmed the binge. I’ll keep you posted.

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