“Normal” these days for many many women is being on the non-stop pendulum of weight loss and weight gain. I don’t know very many people who are overweight and happy with who they are. I also don’t know many people who have taken weight off once and for all.
So abnormal- as in unhealthy – is the new normal. And when you decide to stop being “normal”, people start to judge.
My friend BFG (Edit! Ha ha – I mean BFP – not the Big Friendly Giant) has written about her recent experience:
Ok, here’s what I don’t get. When you’re fat, nobody tells you that you are. When you lose weight, people initially encourage you, but then as you succeed with that continued weight loss, they admonish you and feel that they have the right to tell, command, order you to stop. People tell you that your continued efforts to maintain a healthy weight, your new body, your new found passion for health and fitness by being wise about what you eat is tantamount to disordered eating and that you need to stop it.
And THEN those same people spend half an hour chewing your ear off about how fat they feel and how they wish they had your will power. They say things like ‘all things in moderation’ and then post on facebook that they’ve eaten an entire box of chocolates! They tell you off for spending time at the gym and then say things like ‘I’m on a starvation diet for my holiday in 8 weeks’.
Several months ago I wrote about a moment when I realised I didn’t want to be in the “Fat Club” any more. I saw two pretty, young and fat woman tucking into huge greasy pub meals and I knew it was something I never ever wanted to be part of again.
The next step was to realise that I had the same feelings about the “Diet Club”. I actually can’t bear to hear about people being “good” or “bad” or “cheating” and I even find it frustrating to hear people talk about their weight loss in terms of a week rather than months or even years.
BFG is right. People (by which I mean all women everywhere) start off by noticing you’re losing weight.
Then they ask how you’ve done it.
Then they ask how long it’s taken.
If they’re people you see regularly, they will then watch to see you give up and put the weight back on.
I’ve done it myself and even used to explain to people that that’s how I lived. I remember starting a new job and meeting a tiny office full of colleagues for the first time. Several of them were going out for a cigarette and asked if I smoked. Just about the first thing they heard out of my mouth was, “No, I don’t smoke but I’m permanently on a diet.”
And I was in. The non-smoker was forgiven because she was a serial dieter like the rest of them. We would never be lacking in things to moan about.
Today my goal is to be the person who eats good tasty food, doesn’t fret over menus, moves as a matter of course, maintains a stable weight and looks slim and healthy without obsessing. I want to be ABNORMAL even if it leaves me open to criticism by people who are used to seeing me fail.
I sometimes get strange reactions when people find out I’ve been married since my early 20s to the same man and that I have grown up children. It’s abnormal to be in your 40’s with an empty nest and a silver wedding anniversary behind you. Sometimes people think we’re lucky to have managed it – as though we have effortlessly glided through married life. I used to have a deep need for people to know how hard it actually was to stay married sometimes but now I’m just happy that we’ve got this far and are still in love.
I want my body/food relationships to be the same. I used to worry that people (women) would like me less if they didn’t know how much I’ve struggled with my weight throughout my life. I still feel this a little – but my goal is to no longer care if people think I’m “lucky” to be middle aged with a nice shape and a healthy weight.
You know – it’s scary to think of not being in the Diet Club – of not having that stuff to talk about endlessly – the instant bond based on failure. I wonder if it’s possible to just be a “floating member” when social situations require it. I’m going to pay attention to that this week.
with the words, “It’s probably too small but I can always bring it back.”