Millie

After 30 years of battling the same 30 pounds, I decided that the permanent solution lay in talking and talking and talking until the underlying issues got figured out. Welcome to the work in progress! Gracie, Mardee & Donna also drop by to chat about their own weight loss journeys.

 
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It was my fourth weigh-in this morning and I appear to have lost a grand total of 2 pounds in 4 weeks. For the first time ever I want to call PLATEAU!

I always lose weight when I put my mind to it, so I have to ask myself, have I put my mind to it in a 1.5 pound per week kind of way?  Or have I been giving it more like a half pound’s worth of my time and attention?

I think a red herring is that I have been exercising more than ever.  Even when I’m not journalling, I’m still going out for a three to five mile run.  That’s a lot for this old bod.  The other distraction is that I’ve blown a day or two but haven’t gone on to ditch the whole week.  I’ve been very quick to get back into a healthy routine. With all this positive stuff going on, even if the eating hasn’t been perfect, it just feels like I should be losing weight.

So the big question is:  How many of the past 28 days have I actually worked as hard as I need to work to lose 1.5 pounds in seven days?

  • Week 1 – 5/7  The other 2 days were spent working out of town.
  • Week 2 – 5/7  The other 2 days were of the “lost weekend” variety.
  • Week 3 – 7/7  Impressive.  I should to see if I lied anywhere!
  • Week 4 – 4/7 – but I blogged about that and actually didn’t get out of control on the non-journal days.

And the exercise?

  • Week 1 – 10 miles of running, 1 mile of walking
  • Week 2 – 10 miles of running, 3 miles of walking
  • Week 3 – 12 miles of running, 7 miles of walking
  • Week 4 – 14 miles of running, 4 miles of walking

And the weight loss?

  • Week 1 – down 1.8
  • Week 2 -0  – an in zero just in case that wasn’t clear
  • Week 3 – down .6 for what, by all accounts was a perfect week
  • Week 4 – up .4 – ok – well I did say I wasn’t going to lose this week.

So what’s the verdict? Is the plateau real or faux?

Eating: I did well with the eating for 21 out of 28 days, seriously over-ate on three days and ate moderately on the other four days.

Moving: The amount of exercise is amazing for me – but I never actually reached my target of burning an extra 1638 calories per week through exercise.  Hmmm I guess as I get smaller and closer to what I want to weigh, I’m just going to have to move that much more.

I’m sorry to say that this is a FAUX PLATEAU and need to work even harder if I want to get this weight off in weeks rather than months.

I’m not discouraged.  But I am determined. Let’s see if I can manage 4 pounds in the next 4 weeks.

Week 1 – 5/7 days The other 2 days were spent working out of town.

Week 2 -5/7  The other 2 days were of the “lost weekend” variety.

Week 3 – 7/7 (thank you!)

Week 4 – 4/7 – but I blogged about that and actually didn’t get out of control on the non-journal days

 
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As I was trotting along today, I had a bit of a wonder about which is the stronger influence in my life.

I am very greatful that I was brought up with the expectation that girls should be sporty. Because of that, I know what it feels like to be fit and I know how good it feels to stress your lungs and heart and legs.

But I was also a fat child. I know what it feels like to eat 3 peanut butter sandwiches watching tv after school out of stress and boredom and then still eat dinner when everyone else gets home.

From about the age of eight there was constant battle in my life between fatness and fitness.

And now I read that, because I’ve always got back to running in some way or another since I was a teenager, my muscles just remember what it’s like to run and keep running. My heart and lungs may be deconditioned and my legs may feel weak but there’s a “just rightness” about putting one foot in front of the other over a distance. So my muscle memory means that I’ll never feel like a complete novice at running even if my times and distances fall into that category.

But I also read that my fat cell population was decided in adolescence and will never change no matter how much weight I lose or how much exercise I do. So, basically, there IS a fat woman inside of me trying to get out. I can shrink my fat cells but I can’t decrease their numbers so the potential for obesity is always with me.

My conclusion? It’s more important to me than ever to get the head and heart part of this battle on the side of the muscle memory. That’s the only way to overcome that propensity for fat established during my daily peanut butter and Bonanza appointments.

I’ll keep talking as long as I need to.

 
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I think I need to chill out and declare this a maintenance week.

I’m not giving up.  I’m not caving in.  I’m not bingeing.

I am acknowledging that I’m stressed to the gills and keeping tight reins on the calories is just asking for a volcanic eruption of rebellion and frustration.  So, and this is an interesting so for me, I’m going to eat a bit more every day.

That’s more than I need to eat to lose weight – but not more than I need to live.

This is the first time I’ve attempted this as a means of stress management.  Usually I just say, “What the hell”, and eat until the week starts again or the stress lets up or until I gain the weight back and have to do it all again.

So I’m eating to manage stress this week which means not letting myself get too hungry and not worrying if I eat an extra piece of bread or 10 extra grams of peanut butter.  It doesn’t mean eating a tub of ice-cream.

It also doesn’t mean becoming a slug.  I hate to admit that anyone is right (besides me) but I have to acknowledge that I feel so much better when I get out and stress my legs and lungs and heart.  I’m up to 11 miles this week and will try to do another 5 before Saturday.

I’ve got 3 deadlines to meet this week as well as a training I haven’t yet planned, a birthday dinner and a hospital appointment and it’s all making me not sleep very well.  So I will care for my body, spend time with people I love, work hard and RUN.

I won’t be thinking of 139 this week – but I also won’t weigh more than 148 when it’s all over. And I will get it all done and wake up on Saturday feeling 100 pounds lighter, even if I haven’t actually lost any weight.

Promise.  I refuse to go backwards because of stress.

 
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I have found the “tare button” on my weight loss week and though I know there is a crate-load of calories already in my journal, I have “zeroed” it for my sanity.

Last week I came to the conclusion that the only way to avoid sugar was to avoid sugar. (Deep, I know).

So how did I end up with the leftovers of a baked cheesecake in my fridge for 24 looooooong hours?

I was being nice, and sensible and rational, honest.  But while I can be all those things when other people are around, I find it hard to find reason when I just want to cram cheesecake down my gullet.  It’s not nice or sensible but it’s reality.

Fact: I love baked cheesecake but I don’t think about it.

Fact: I have not once in the past, oh, twenty years craved cheesecake, made cheesecake or bought cheesecake.

Fact: Proximity makes a mockery of avoidance.

I’m not sure that last sentence makes sense but I like the sound of it.  The FACT is that having a cheesecake in my fridge over-rides the fact that I don’t have any particular desire to ever eat cheesecake.

I believe this alone points to a diagnosis of disordered eating.  And no matter how “ordered” I have managed to get my eating over the past 2 years, I can fall into a vat of cheesecake with the most disordered of disordered eaters.

Have I said cheesecake enough?

I think it’s out of my system now so I won’t say it anymore.

And I’m going to take a break from weekday wine for a bit too.  It’s time to get more nutrition for my calories.  But more of that tomorrow.

 
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Half way through the 42 days of hard work and it looks like I’m going to be settling for around a pound per week.  Considering the number of days away and the anniversary celebrations, I’m going to accept that with positive fortitude and look forward to weighing 3 pounds less in 3 week’s time.

But it will still take some hard work to get what I want – which is to weigh under 10 stone (140lbs) even if just for a bit.

I just made myself chuckle reading a bit of an old post:

Now – if my house had had any junk food at all, the outcome would have been different.  But I suppose that’s another measure of how far we’ve come in our family eating habits.  There was a time when, after dinner,  we’d get that wicked co-dependent glint in our eyes and someone would be on a junk food run before you could say “how many points in a giant Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar?”  But it didn’t even cross our minds yesterday as we snuggled down on the sofa for the evening.

Oh dear – that’s kind of depressing.  It reminds of my first ever Weight Watchers leaders.  And I sort of hated them.  But that’s another story.

My first ever WW leaders were a couple.  She led the meetings and he did all the booking in etc.  We met in a tiny room at the local legion and they were two of the least inspiring people I’d ever met in my admittedly short 18 years on earth.  I know it must have been hard being a liver pusher but there was just no sympathy whatsoever. “WE” eat liver so you can too. (Well, no, really I can’t – not even an little bit.)

I remember them as very thin and very pale.

To be fair (sorry for that cliché but it’s heart felt).  To be fair, they had lost vast amounts of weight between them and kept if off for 20 years.

But the detail that sticks out most in my mind was the fact that every single night for 20 years they had put skimmed milk and raspberries in a blender, whizzed them up and drunk them together in front of the tv.  Every night for 20 years!

It made me pity and hate them in equal measures.

It was so regimented and awful and I always came away thinking, “I’ll never be that boring so I might as well quit now.” And I did.

I was thinking about that a little as I wrote yesterday’s post.  Whenever I talk about improvements in my diet or changes in taste, it’s never something that has just been a decision and happened over night.  It’s all been a gradual shift from one way of eating and to another.  That’s the blessing of accidentally falling into Slow Dieting; it gives you time to turn the aircraft carrier that is a lifetime of eating in a way that makes you fat.

Am I frustrated with a pound a week?  Yep.  I’d love to lose 2 per week and just get this over with.

Do I know that I’m exercising tons and losing inches and that I should shut up about the pounds lost and look at the big picture?  Yep – that too.

Am I still heading for 139 as opposed to some fitness goal?  Yep – I never said I was sane.

Am I going to eat liver and whizz up skimmed milk in the blender?  Not this week but you never know……desperate measures and all that.

 
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The anniversary dinner was wonderful. I did have the butternut squash and goat cheese lasagne which was served with a perfect salad with a few olives for a little salty in all that creamy. I just shouldn’t have had the dessert – not because I regret the calories, but because anything that rich now makes me feel quite sick. Must remember to SHARE or just have a decaf cappucino and be done with it.

Live and learn – again and again and again.

Yesterday someone asked how I managed to avoid sugar.

My thought was, “I don’t know”. I mean, I still look longingly at giant bars of Green&Black’s butterscotch chocolate and know that I could eat a whole one in the car on my way home from the grocery store. (It’s been done.)  I ate a HUGE piece of Billy Miner Pie at my birthday dinner and could probably still eat ice cream for breakfast without too much encouragement. I definitely make and eat “medicine” (our name for chocolate/oat/peanut butter treats) when I’m hormonal.

That said, I guess I don’t really crave sugar very often but it wasn’t a cold turkey type of thing.  Instead, I think we’ve made small changes over a long time. Here are all the things that may be making a difference:

  • We haven’t eaten dessert for years and don’t miss it at all. It just doesn’t figure in our food planning.
  • I talked myself out of all but fairly traded chocolate when the issue of child slaves came to light.  That means I have to go and find it in the chocolate aisle so there’s none of that last second picking up chocolate at the till.
  • I talked myself out of hydrogenated oils so out went almost any packaged baked goods.  That means cookies have to be baked rather than pulled out of the package.
  • I figured out I was reacting to artificial sweeteners so stopped all diet drinks. No more rashes and cystic spots on my chin.
  • I realised that apparently healthy cereals like Bran Flakes and Special K are sweet enough that I need to treat tham like cookies.  In fact, I just avoid them alltogether in favour of porridge in the morning.
  • White breads and pastas, though not sweet, are rare things now too – not banned per se but considered treats.
  • Finally, I stopped eating almost anything that was low fat.

That makes me wonder about the diet industry in general.  I’m more and more convinced that it’s a myth that you can lose weight and keep it off if you eat a lot of low fat products and sugar substitutes.  Better to learn to love strong and interesting flavours than to just eat “diet versions” of the same old foods.

I think that to get sugar out of your life, you actually have to lose your taste for it.  For me, that means no more junk in the house – even “lite” versions of sugary treats.

It means rooting out hidden sugar and relegating “real” sugar back to treat status where it belongs.

And reclaiming the idea of a “treat” as something that happens only once in a while.

Now- I’m wondering if anyone will ever ask me how I mange to avoid wine. :-)

 
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Can’t linger…

It’s our anniversary and we’re going out for a wonderful calorie-laden meal tonight.

But I still have that 139 in my head.

But I DO NOT want that number to make me feel cranky.

The Dieter’s Dilemma.

So I’m not going to hang around here – but put on my running shoes and trot out the door for an hour.

And then enjoy every single bite of whatever I fancy.  Possibly butternut squash and goats cheese lasagna followed by crème brûlée. And a large glass of wine.

Oh! But first I need be an old woman for a moment and list a few things that I’ve learned about staying married and in love.  (And learned the hard way over these 26 years, I assure you.)

  • Saying please and thank you to each other for little things like making a cup of coffee.
  • Saying I Love You without any reason whatsoever.
  • Doing little things without thinking “but it’s not my turn….”
  • Knowing when to give some space.
  • Being physical in little ways and big.  Sometimes sex IS the answer.
  • Knowing that hugs are often better than words when things aren’t great.
  • Allowing each other to blossom in life – and the blossoming one not leaving the other behind.
  • Living as though you’re joined together on a super long lead that you almost never notice.
  • Forgiving before it becomes an effort.
  • Praying together – it that’s your kind of thing.

On with the day.

 
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Yesterday I ended up with a digestive complaint that doesn’t need to be described here. Ick. I haven’t had anything like that for years.  So I stayed in, ate sparingly, and went to bed early.

And what do you know, I feel fine today.

It was tempting to spend a little more time curled up on the couch but I decided to try to be as disciplined about exercise as I have been with food.  Not easy.  Not natural. Not ever accomplished before!  But I’m trying.

Here’s the plan:

Every week I aim to walk/run 1 x 2 miles, 1 x 3 miles, 1 x 4 miles and 1 x 5 miles.  I don’t care about the order or the specific day but I’d like to get to the end of each week having covered 14 miles at a good pace.

Walks with friends and loved ones are just icing on the cake but not replacements for the above.

Can I just recap for a moment?

In just over 2 weeks:

  • I’ve decided what number I want to see on the scale.
  • I’ve set a date for that goal.
  • I’ve planned my weekly eating.
  • I’ve set a weekly exercise target.

This is not me.  This is not anyone I have ever been.  I promise that I will never ever ever become smug in this endeavour.  Or assume that I’ve actually arrived.  Or assume that I will be this disciplined forever and always.  Or be confident that I will never be fat again.  Never ever ever.

But I’m going to take advantage of this stranger presently living my life and see if I can’t embed a couple more good habits.

 
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Yesterday was another easy day and I can’t quite pinpoint why.  Easy?

Easy as in not stomach hungry except at normal, predictable times, and not emotionally hungry at all really.  One thought is that it might be the exercise effect as mentioned yesterday.  The other possibility is that I’m having a hormonally neutral month – or maybe all this walking & running is just levelling out the effects of hormones.  The next two weeks will tell!

I’m getting in the swing of thinking ahead about meals. Moi?  Planning?  Who’d have thought.

Now this may unravel as I switch countries again in August but I’m enjoying having a whole week of breakfasts and lunches planned and pretty much devoid of choice.  This week, I will eat all of the following between 7 am and about 4 pm, spread out any way that fits with both my appetite and my schedule:

  • coffee (first things first!)
  • porridge with yogourt (blueberries if I want)
  • 2 ryvitas with marmalade
  • 2 or 3 mugs of tea
  • cottage cheese – usually plain – this has never been “diet” food for me, just like it that way.
  • 2 more ryvitas – usually spread with the plain cottage cheese
  • carrots or peppers or fruit as available

I will add more food if I’ve done a 4 or 5 mile walk/run, usually a banana with peanut butter.

It’s taken me a long time to understand the benefit of 6 small meals rather than 3 large ones but I’ve finally figured out how to make grazing work for me. To fit our preferred lifestyle, I eat about 4 times during the day then have a good sized evening meal with a glass of wine.  Eating normally with loved ones after a day of work is too important to sacrfice for the sake of weight loss.  We usually eat between 7 and 8 and, except for a cup of tea, that’s it for the day.

This has just highlighted something for me: we don’t snack in the evening anymore.  In fact, on Saturday we decided to pick up something for watching football and then forgot to do it and I didn’t even notice until just now – Monday morning.  Strange indeed.

I’m guessing that this is one of the positive sides of empty nesting- nil junk food- but still, it’s amazing to me that this could just disappear after a lifetime of needing something to nibble while watching television.

I suppose my biggest lesson learned over the past two years is that I can change – even habits that have been entrenched for years and years.

Now, if I could just make exercise an easy habit rather than a daily challenge……..

 
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The weekend is drawing to a close so I thought I’d better check in.  Even though the eating is pretty perfect and the exercise is better than ever, I’m not losing weight.

However – rather than panic or chuck it all in, I’m going to keep doing what I know I should be doing and see what happens this week. I’m feeling bizarrely peaceful about it all so will just accept and keep going. I think it might be the exercise effect. There is no doubt that daily exercise improves my mood.

Shall I say that again but a little louder?

There is no doubt that daily exercise improves my mood.

Judging from recent experience, it also improves my digestive system and my work ethic and my marriage. Who knew?

And yet…….I still cynically wonder when it will all fall apart. But I’m not worrying about that now.  I’ve got five weeks till I leave for Canada.  I will work hard and do what I need to do until then.

Back to the football.  England may have crashed out but Argentina is more entertaining anyway.

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