26Nov09 Making Adjustments
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OK….big deep breath……I think I finally see the body changes.

I went into town today and tried on some wool trousers.  As usual I took a size I knew would fit and a size I thought might fit.  The little ones were almost too big.

I repeated the exercise in another shop with the same results.

At one point I muttered to myself, “You’re almost small.”

Doesn’t sound like much but it’s quite a big deal.

NOW…..here’s what usually happens when I get to this stage:  I don’t take the time to look carefully at my smaller self and get used to what I look like.  Instead, I get focused on the farcical idea that “the diet is over” and I start eating anything I want.  Before I look in the mirror again, the moment is over. And six months down the line, I’m back to where I started.

So this time, it’s all going to happen SLOWWWWWWWLY.

I’m going to keep trying things on and remarking that I am almost small.

I am going to keep journalling what I’m eating.

I’m going to keep noticing until, well, I’m not sure until what.  I’ll let you know when I get there.

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24Nov09 Vanity Sizing- Who’s the Dupe?
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When I weighed 125 pounds and was running 8 miles at a time, I wore a size 10 and once, for about a week, I squeezed into a size 8.

Today, with 145 pounds of middle aged “shapeliness”,  my size 6 jeans are getting a baggy.

It’s wrong!  Nothing more than a cynical marketing ploy to keep the baby boomers spending money.

And I rarely miss the opportunity to rant about it.

However………

after reading a couple of articles, I have to confess that, just maybe, the only “wrong” is that women choose to believe that a size 10 today is the same as it was twenty-five years ago. If we are the intended dupes of this marketing strategy, then we’d better get smart and let them know that we’ve caught on.

The truth is that our old size 12-14 bodies are now size 6 or 8 and I need just to get over the new number and not be distracted by how small it seems.  If I need to be a Gap size 4 to have a healthy waist size, then I need to be a size 4.  And I also have to accept that, if I wear a size 10 today, it’s the same as the size 16 of my youth.  There’s no way around it.

Of course, in better quality stores, I wear a bigger size – which arouses my cynicism again.  What’s the motivation behind: “the cheaper the store, the more generous the sizing”?

I guess the bottom line is that we can’t rely on clothing sizes to let us know if we’re losing or gaining weight and we can’t actually say with confidence, “I’m a size____” without qualifying what that means.  All we can do is find clothes that fit us and flatter us and cut out the labels.  I will not be duped.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Body Image
23Nov09 Forgiving the Fat Child 2
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Yesterday’s activity wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.  I took it to the gym with me and tried to picture myself every year from the age of 6 or so and walk through a painful fat moment from around that time.  Then I looked my young self in the eye and told her that she was forgiven for being the size she was.

Some memories came up that I hadn’t thought about for years. I let myself look at them like a movie and forgive all the people involved whether they knew they were causing pain or not.  It was quite a long process which took all my gym time then some.

Was it worth it?  I don’t think forgiveness is ever magic. I didn’t feel released or somehow lighter because I didn’t really “feel” burdened by it anyway.  It was just something I needed to do for the next step of keeping the weight off and allowing myself to be thin.

I was interested by the fact that the two people who were hardest to forgive were Miss McBirney the ballet teacher and Mrs Smith my Grade 3 teacher.

The former announced in front of all the other eight year olds and their mothers something like, “Millie, as you have a 32 inch waist, I think perhaps it’s time you took up the piano.”  Mortifying is a pretty good word.  Exam results prove that I wasn’t a bad little dancer but my shape overshadowed my ability.

Mrs Smith looked like a pig – I just checked the class photo to make sure that’s not a completely false memory. She also had a habit of giving the birthday bumps and commenting on how heavy the birthday child was. The bigger children suffered most and I was so desperate to avoid that humiliation that I made myself sick that day.  Unfortunately, I made myself so sick  that I missed a week of school, selling Brownie cookies and had to postpone my own birthday party.

I’ll forgive them -but maybe you could harbour a little righteous anger on my behalf.

The exercise also brought to mind the lovely supportive people.

I had amazing friends who didn’t use my weight as a weapon to get at me.  That’s a huge thing to say about girls.

We had a great phys ed department at school who were always encouraging because they could see my sporting potential and I wasn’t afraid to work hard to get in shape.  I just didn’t have the tools to keep weight off.

There was a lovely mom on a three week exchange trip.  I had obviously and unknowingly lost weight while I was away from home and she was the first person who ever told me that I wasn’t nearly as big as I thought I was.  Then she took me out shopping all by myself and helped me to buy great clothes for my shape and made me have a really good look at myself in the mirror.  Well ahead of her time, she was Trinny and Susannah all rolled into one.  Again, I didn’t have the tools to keep the weight off and that lovely outfit become a symbol of who I could be if I could only lose the weight.

And that’s the story of my life that’s going to end with the next stage of this blog.

God willing, as I write and live and laugh and enjoy the good and slog through the bad, I’m going to develop the tools to keep the weight off.

Last laugh to me Miss McBirney; 40 years later I have a 32 inch waist again.  And it’s getting smaller.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Things to try, Thoughts on the Process
22Nov09 Forgiving the Fat Child
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Yesterday I wrote something positive on another site then felt bad all day.  Surprisingly, I didn’t let that feeling lead to overeating but, on a different day, I might have.  I see from other people that it’s pretty common to do some out-of-control eating after mentioning how well things are going.  I also see that it’s common behaviour when things are not going so well.

Last week’s tiny loss after a perfect week felt awful and I had to fight the “what the hell?” feeling.

Yesterday’s loose jeans and cumulative loss felt great but talking about it left me with the same feeling.

I guess these are just learned responses over time.  I’ve lost weight and put it back on so many times that I sabotage good results right away because, in my mind, it’s going to happen eventually anyway.

Because this is a lifelong battle, there is emotional junk related to being fat stuffed into all the corners of my inner self : playground insults, family teasing, horrible old ladies, and especially agonising teenage self-consciousness.  I need to forgive all those versions of myself and let her know that the fat was really such a tiny part of who she really was.  I need to forgive all those people – most of them were commenting because they wanted something better for me but didn’t know how to help. Except Sandra; she was just mean.

Seeing as it’s Sunday – I think I’ll get down to the business of forgiving right now.  And I suppose Sandra should be top of the list.

NOTE:  This isn’t where I thought this post was going.  I thought it was going to be about learning to work hard whether I was happy or disappointed with whatever was going on with weight loss.   I never know where this blogging thing will take me.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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20Nov09 More About Sugar
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Gracie’s post has got me thinking hard about why I’m no longer addicted to sugar.  There are still times when nothing but sweet will do – but they’re not nearly so bad or frequent as they used to be. I can satisfy the craving with a bit of chocolate rather than a huge bag of something.  I do know that it’s still hard to stop at one sweet treat and if I buy a large bar of chocolate, it’s going to be gone in one sitting rather than eked out over a week.  So I guess I’m not in any way “cured” – I just don’t assume any willpower around sweets.

OK – I think I’ve found the thought that stops me from eating junk most of the time:  It’s the phrase/knowledge/conviction that “It’s not worth it”.  The calories ingested are in no way equal to the pleasure gained.

Now a glass of lovely wine is worth it, but I’m not allowed to drink right now so that’s moot point.

A can of Coke is not worth it.

A small Green and Black’s butterscotch chocolate bar is worth it sometimes.

Maltesers are no longer worth it – especially the large bag that I used to cram down between the grocery store and home.

Pink grapefruit gelato is worth it, especially during a long walk along the beach.

Grocery store ice-cream with its “non-dairy fat products” (ie frozen vegetable oil) is NEVER worth it – especially for breakfast.  I know – not a good habit.

Restaurant desserts are almost always disappointing so not worth it.

A good cappuccino with a teaspoon of sugar is often worth it – and nice with a bite of whatever the husband is having.

I’m still not quite sure how I got to this point of peace without sugar.  I know that if I felt deprived it wouldn’t work.  Instead, I think I’ve finally really internalised the idea of choosing which FREEDOM I want.  Every once in a while I want the freedom to eat sugar and fat combined into a luscious something.  But mostly I like the freedom of my jeans zipping up and being able to run.

I can’t say that this is a permanent situation and there’s no way I would casually have large quantities of sweet treats in the house without a crowd of people to finish them off.  But one day I hope to be a grandma and I want to be the grandma with cookies in the cookie jar – rather than the grandma who meant well but ate all the cookies before the kids arrived.

Oh yeah – yesterday wasn’t a superb day as my ulcer or whatever it is was making me feel really ill.  Time to get this sorted out.

4 Comments Posted by Millie in Food, Thoughts on the Process
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19Nov09 TO DO
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I have lists on my Blackberry, lists on my laptop, lists in my brain and lists on paper.

Christmas list

Packing list

IMPORTANT for work list

This Week list (which is now over 3 weeks old)

Blog ideas list

Things to ask the doctor list

Meal planning list

Grocery list

If I didn’t have the lists, I probably wouldn’t sleep.  However, having so many lists gives me pinball brain and that is never good.

And what does this have to do with weight?  Everything.  Pinball brain gives me pinball appetite.  I bounce from cupboard to fridge to pantry looking for something to eat which will magically make the things on my list get done.

So I’m writing this down as a commitment to just do the things on the lists rather than eat the nervous energy caused by having so many things to do.

Since starting to write this, I’ve paused twice to make phone calls and send emails and already the “This Week” list has shrunk.  So it works.

Oh – I forgot to put colour roots on the list.

Pinball.

Oh yeah – Hormone Week Day 3 went well – if a little overshadowed by feeling ill with a suspected ulcer.  Life, eh?

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
18Nov09 Living with Hormones Day 2
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I took another break from journalling yesterday and just ate according to what my body seemed to want. That included a piece of cheese mid-morning and peanut butter on crackers mid-afternoon.   I would normally have eaten an orange or a banana at those times but I went with what I wanted rather than what I “should have”. Permission to not be perfect rules during hormone week.

This morning, I decided to journal it all in retrospect and found that,  by listening to my body, I ate smaller portions more frequently and ended up eating just within the weight loss range. I ate only 78% of my 5-a-day fruit and veg but other than that I was really pleased with the outcome.

Now – if my house had had any junk food at all, the outcome would have been different.  But I suppose that’s another measure of how far we’ve come in our family eating habits.  There was a time when, after dinner,  we’d get that wicked co-dependent glint in our eyes and someone would be on a junk food run before you could say “how many points in a giant Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar?”  But it didn’t even cross our minds yesterday as we snuggled down on the sofa for the evening.

Oh dear – that’s kind of depressing.  It reminds of my first ever Weight Watchers leaders.  And I sort of hated them.  But that’s another story.

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17Nov09 Hormone Week Day 1
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When I’m very hormonal, the emotional side of life ends up overblown and distorted – like looking at myself and all of life in a fairground mirror. Any situation that could possibly be decided by a win or a loss feels hugely stressful when normally I’m a happily competitive person – especially when competing against myself.  I usually enjoy seeing the results of a well-journalled eating day and it’s not the least bit stressful to see the feedback offered by the Nutracheck site.  Have I got in my 5 a day,  limited the alcohol, drunk enough liquid? Are the calories on track for a slimmer and healthier me? Is my fat consumption within a healthy range? Have I exercised?

But when my emotions are raw-edged, that feels like a huge amount of pressure and a ridiculous way to spend my life. So yesterday I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for and it went pretty well. I ate well, tried small portions and had more if I was still hungry and drank when I was thirsty – kind of what I imagine life will be like for the rest of my days! Untethering myself from the journal gave me a much needed break and giving myself permission to journal or not for this crazy week makes me feel that I might do it anyway.

Have I just discovered that half my weight loss battle is caring for the rebel within?  We’ll see……..

I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.
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16Nov09 Hormones & Weight Loss
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It’s hormone week in Millie World.  My first clue was how much and how often I’ve wanted to eat over the past 48 hours.

This is week it seems easiest just to give in, take a break and face the scales philosophically next Saturday.  But this journey is about doing something other than what I’d normally do.

So I’m going to question the long-held personal wisdom that I need to feed fluctuating hormones.  Instead I’m going to feed my body and try my best to ignore the raging need for carbs.  No – I won’t ignore them – I’ll acknowledge them and write about what I’m feeling.  I’m going to try to be really honest here and I know this might not be a great week for losing weight. But I need to do something other than stuff my body full of excess calories for one week out of four.

I’ll check in each morning to see how it’s going.

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15Nov09 Habit of a Dieting Lifetime: Accentuating the Negative
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On Friday, I put on my cords, did up my belt and realised that I’d moved over a hole on the belt and that’s a whole inch.  I undid it and tried again just to make sure I hadn’t accidentally pulled too hard – but no, it was really comfortable in that position.

On Saturday morning I stepped on my home scale and the number was exactly what I had hoped for.  All good.

Given the belt success, I measured my waist and have lost a “real” half inch – meaning that I didn’t pull the tape too tight or play any silly games just to get to a desired number.  Then I got the same result with the hips.  So all good again.

Then I popped down to WW.  Why do I go to that meeting?  Well…..after eating my weight in grief last winter, I wanted a little more face to face encouragement and accountability.  I know lots of people there – as in, I got weighed by the woman who had fed me dinner the night before.  It’s cosy  but in a challenging way.  But the cost to me is that I have to step on the scale.

Stepped on said scale and the sum total result for seven days of hard work was half a pound.  Half a pound?

Yes, I know what I wrote about  Scale Insanity.

If I go to a Weight Watchers meeting, I consider that weight unofficial and for their records only.

I also wrote:

The use of a scale doesn’t define me as a dieter any more than the use of an oven defines me as a chef.   It’s what role I give the scale in my life that defines me as a dieter.  As long as it’s just a tool to give me information, then I’m sane.  When it starts determining my self-worth, that’s a problem!

The reaction I had to a half pound reward for all my hard work means that I had completely slipped into dieting mode.  Despite the positive events of the previous two days, I felt genuinely disappointed.

So, while I spout off about lifestyle change, not a diet, blah blah blah, inside my little brain, I am obviously allowing the numbers on the scale to be the ultimate judge of my success.  So much more work to do.  But I’m willing to plough on – whether or not I actually feel like ploughing.

To quote my original post of July 2008,

So that’s what I’m going to ask of myself:

  • Come here for relationship and accountability.
  • Apply what I know even though old failing ways are more comfortable.
  • Work hard at it even though life isn’t always straight-forward.

I say this with no excitement whatsoever…….grim determination tinged with a little bit of hope.

Still keeping a promise to myself.

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