Millie

After 30 years of battling the same 30 pounds, I decided that the permanent solution lay in talking and talking and talking until the underlying issues got figured out. Welcome to the work in progress! Gracie, Mardee & Donna also drop by to chat about their own weight loss journeys.

Happy New Year

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jan 182010

I hope I don’t spend all of 2010 almost three weeks behind, but today does seem like a new beginning.

Today is the day to restart some good habits that got lost amidst the travelling, celebrating and general happy chaos and illness stress of the past two months. Wow, I’ve been in maintenance and not-even-really-thinking-about-maintenance mode for almost two months.

Quick look at the calendar…. seven weeks.

In seven weeks I’ve gained 3 pounds; that’s .429 pounds per week or 22.3 pounds per year. Add the 3 I’ve already gained and that’s 25 pounds back on by this time next year.

OH…..did anyone else see that giant light bulb pulsing a bright light over my head?

That’s how it happens.

I lose weight.

I move quickly from mindful maintenance to mindless maintenance to not really maintaining at all.

And all of a sudden I’m 25 pounds heavier – otherwise known as Right Back To Where I Started.

AHA.

And to think that this post was going to be a little pat on the back for gaining “only” 3 pounds over the past seven weeks. Instead it’s a complete eye opener about how I fail to keep weight off.

OK – regroup. Today IS the first day back to good habits.

Journal

Move

Think

It doesn’t look like much but it is the difference between taking off the final 6 and putting back on the whole 25. Serious stuff. I will NOT be starting this weight loss journey all over again in 2011. I will not.

Wow…wanders off to Nutracheck to journal breakfast…..still scratching head at the revelation.

Approaching the Starting Line

Exercise, Keeping Going 3 Responses »

Jan 152010

That’s what life has felt like this week.

I’ve said my good-byes and performed the last minute motherly and daughterly duties,
I’ve travelled across the world to my other (real?) home,
and I’ve hit the ground running through a jet-lagged fog to get ready for a weekend working away.

And all that time I’ve been thinking, “I’ll start thinking about my eating and fitness next week.”

I know that’s diet mentality but I can’t fight it in this blur of sleep deprived busy-ness.

I want to erase the above write something more upbeat and proactive, but I know without a doubt that this is a weekend for going easy on myself and letting me get caught up with myself.

On a positive note we have eaten vast quantities of vegetables – why oh why are the vegetables on this tiny island so superior to their Canadian cousins? Even the huge wintry carrots are sweet and juicy. And the broccoli makes you want to eat more of it.

So now I’m looking forward to doing a proper grocery shop on Monday and getting ready to be on my own for another couple of weeks as the husband jets off to exotic places. I’m already planning the soups and evening meals: Moroccan chickpeas and mushrooms served on roasted butternut squash. I might add a bit of chicken.

And I’m looking forward to dropping a few more pounds. That’s actually quite a huge statement because it means that I’m planning to be lighter than I’ve been for many years. To go along with this, I’m hoping to finally finally get to grips with seeing myself accurately. I want to develop objective eyes for looking in mirrors. Is that asking too much?

And rowing. I fantasise about rowing. And I’m looking forward to improving my 4 mile walk/jog time and adding a mile or two. (Aside: On that note, here’s an article from last weekend’s Times: 20 Fitness Myths Debunked)

So that’s what’s running through my mind as I approach the starting line…….I’m looking forward to what comes next.

Delayed Gratification

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jan 112010

A friend of mine bought some carrot cake from a wonderful bakery and intended to eat it with a nice meal. However, she was full after the meal so decided to put the carrot cake in the freezer until she really wanted it. She ate it 10 months later and enjoyed every bite.

Note that says 10 MONTHS and not 10 minutes.

I aspire to this kind of food sanity. I want to fill my freezer with things that would be lovely to eat when I really really want them and be relaxed in the knowledge that I wouldn’t really really want them before they even got cold, never mind frozen.

This thought comes to you from the airport. I am drinking a latte – that I didn’t really want.

See you on the other side – in a day or two.

Consuming and Consumed By

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Jan 082010

Well…..

While I was neatly lining up my ducks in a row for 2010, I failed to recognize the shadow that was creeping up behind me, the great beast made up of all the ingredients that add up to food/body insanity if I don’t take care. Plus a loaf of very good bread.

So while I’m “la la la la la”ing looking out the front window at the tug boats chuffing by, I fail to notice that I’m really really stressed about -

getting some stuff on paper for a proposal

I can blog forever, email friends, write letters even, but as soon as it becomes “official” – usually with a form attached – I develop a procrastinate at any price attitude. Bread stuffs down work stress.

saying good-bye

My mom and I live 5,000 miles apart and every time I say good-bye it’s heart-breaking. I know that my visits make her days happier. I also know that one day it’s going to be the last good-bye. Bread stuffs down sadness and guilt.

sorting out my social life

At the beginning of my six week visits I am great with making plans. By the end, I seem to crave solitude. But I want to see people. Bread stuffs down mixed emotions.

stuff to do

By this point, anything that puts an expectation on my time – especially work that I should have done a week ago – seems a disproportioned burden. Bread stuffs that down too.

If I had a do-over for the past few days, it would have started at the grocery store where I first spied that loaf of wonderful granary bread. I would have left it on the shelf and bought more soup. Of course, it’s not the bread itself that is “bad” – it’s the way I consume it and why I consume it that propels me into less and less sane food behaviour.

After avoiding the bread, I would have come here to write about the stuff that was probably going to derail me over the next few days. I’ve done this SO many times that I do know what’s coming.

Then, having expressed my worries and pressures, I could have dealt with my desire to stuff them all down with bread. I might even have taken a walk instead.

OK – I must remember to read this in the spring when I’m packing up to go home again.

Another Year – What’s it going to bring?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Jan 052010

I’ve been thinking loads but not writing because I still have this health issue pushing it’s way into every thought.
But, biliary system aside, what do I hope for 2010?

I hope that I will continue walking down the road towards sanity when it comes to food and body.

I know that I’ll have to journal when I want to lose weight but I also want to NOT journal for a while and just get to know what, when and how much I can eat without being overly analytical.

I know I’ll have to force myself into the gym a couple of times a week – but I also want to make this a year when I move naturally for it’s own sake – because the more I move, the better I’ll feel.

I know I’ll have to…… hey, I was going to talk about making good food choices a natural part of life, you know what? That’s one bit of sanity I seem to have most of the time now. I’m not always great on amounts but these past few days in the city have proven that I crave good, lean fresh food when I can’t have it. There’s nothing like enforced restaurant eating to get feasting out of my system.

It doesn’t look too exciting but I don’t want drama when it comes to the everyday process of staying fit and healthy. I long for the day of no food/body drama at all.

Ah ha! (I love the gradually clarity of thought as the words hit the page) -

So here’s what I hope for 2010: no drama whatsoever in my life.

Consider that both a wish and a prayer.

Double-Mindedness

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 312009

The double-mindedness of weight loss is one of the hardest things for me to conquer – besides overeating and under-exercising……..

I’m talking about those times when you are really and truly trying to follow a plan but your mind keeps slipping ahead to some food and drink oriented event in the future. And the result is usually to completely sabotage the present because…….. Because WHY?!

This is the thing I want to know.

The past two days have been like that. The mouth speaks the words: “I’m sick of food. I’m eating for health and energy this week.” And my head agrees. So which organ is it that then reaches for the chocolate, the six crackers or an extra large helping of potatoes? And all the time I’m eating that food that I don’t really want, there’s an tiny voice somewhere -or maybe just a shimmery picture in my head – of all the restaurant eating to come this weekend.

It’s weird behaviour that has its roots in the All of Nothing dieting mindset. And even though I no longer choose to have that mindset, it still affects my actions.

So what’s up for the weekend? The husband and I have already decided that lunch will be a soup only affair. Breakfast is harder because avoiding the hotel breakfast means a coffee shop and that involves baked goods. Be right back…….

I just went looking for nutritional information. Starbucks makes it such a palaver that I almost gave up but found that the reduced fat fruit swirl has 440 cals and 3 grams of saturated fat and 9 grams of protein. The Tim Hortons cinnamon raisin bagel has 270 calories, .2 grams of saturated fat and 10 grams of protein.

Bagel it is then. And we’ll buy 1% milk for the hotel room coffee.

Dinner will be a treat. We’re planning on the Irish Heather pub tonight, Keg Steak on Saturday and no plans yet for tomorrow. Maybe even more soup!

For today, I’m thinking about all the healthy and sane food behaviour I can work into the next 3 days.

Eat well

Walk loads

Enjoy the company

I’ll let you know how it goes. OH – And Happy New Year!

I Lied

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 292009

Actually – I think I just failed but I’m not keen on failure.

The feasting stopped but something more insidious took its place: gluttony, greed, simply stuffing in food for no very good reason. In fact…confession approaching…..I ate the Christmas cake that I’d packed up for my mom. Where’s the blushing smilie when you need it?

I don’t feel great this morning and I’m sitting here remembering how good it feels to eat when I’m hungry.

And to move.

I don’t want to turn this into a daily diet blog – but I will if I have to. At least I can go back to basics and report every morning on how the previous day went.

Back to basics it is. I know I’ll be away for four days and eating out all those meals but I think that’s easier than sitting in a house full of food.

So here’s what’s coming:
Today – home and in control of what I can eat.
Tomorrow – the same
Thursday – off to town for new years eve. I will enjoy the evening meal because I will NOT have eaten mindlessly for the whole day leading up to it.
Friday – Saturday – Sunday – Three days of eating out and staying in a hotel.
Monday – back to my own space for a week alone.

When I’m in losing mode, it’s easier for me to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch. I’ve got porridge and blueberries for the morning but lunch is harder here than back in England because I don’t have a blender for making soup. Maybe that’s something I can pick up in the sales and start making my cauliflower and potato soup which is filling and helps me get in all my vegetables.

Thinking out loud helps but it’s not the same as reality. But my own determination and the sense of accountability I get from knowing that people are reading this do help.

I will not gain weight over the next few days.

Till tomorrow.

After the Feasting

Starting Again Again, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 282009

Every year I think I’m going to savour the moments but every year Christmas goes by in such a blur that I can barely remember it.

And every year, after two days of feasting I give the “That’s it! NO more food!” speech to myself then reach for the nearest baked goods. So is this year going to be different? (She asks as she brushes crumbs from the keyboard.)

The only way to make it different is to actually throw all the leftover goodies away. All of them?

What’s left?
Cookies baked by other people. A sliver of Christmas cake. A little bit of lovely fruit bread baked by a friend. A box of chocolates. Some peanut brittle. Half a bottle of good white wine. An almost full bottle of Baileys.

Be right back……..

The fruit bread and most of the cookies are in the bin.
The Christmas cake and snowballs are packed up and going to the care home to share at lunch today.
The chocolates and peanut brittle aren’t mine so I had to leave them or deal with divorce.

That leaves the alcohol which is really up to me, isn’t it? It doesn’t make me feel great anyway so I’ll have a glass of white at dinner and not buy any more. The Baileys can go to the daughter.

Hmmmm. Should it always be this easy? I stuffed myself for one more day than I wanted to do. Heavy over-eating seems to have to come down in stages. I can’t seem to go from feast to fast in one step, but I CAN cut down and get rid of the rubbish before a 3 day feast stretches into a 3 week binge.

The next stage is getting back to journalling – always a struggle after a time of massive consumption. It takes work and carbs make me lazy.

Be right back………..

OK – Breakfast – including the cookie – is journalled.

It’s a start. And here’s my plan for the rest of the day.

Lunch – soup and a piece of bread with low fat cream cheese.
Dinner – Escalloped potatoes (made with a light white sauce), black forest ham and peas – and 1 glass of wine.

I really don’t need any snacks if I eat well at meals. I’ll probably have a small square of Christmas cake with Mom because she eats better when someone eats with her. I will sacrifice a few calories to stop her wasting away.

I’ll let you know how it’s gone.

Christmas Eve Blessings

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 242009

Wishing everyone a Christmas full of blessings – love, laughter, feasting and gratitude.

It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot Like………

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Dec 222009

Isn’t it?

I can be a Scrooge and a Grinch all the way up until about now and then it seems to kick in. The tree smells lovely. The gingerbread house adds to the festive nose-feast. The only thing playing on i-tunes is my Christmas music. OK – I’ve got the Spirit.

So how’s the eating going to go for the next few days? I’m not sure that’s the right question.

How am I going to feel about my body by New Year’s Day? That’s a slightly better question.

My weighing every day experiment may end up to be the best thing I’ve ever done from a maintenance perspective. It has completely obliterated (yes, that dramatic) my tendency to get off track and stay off track.

Last year at this time, I also had “a something” that required surgery. I also got worried that my weight loss was due to illness – just like this year. I also lost my appetite and decided to eat what I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t really dying. But it was entirely different because I stopped writing and I stopped weighing myself. I did all that stuff with no controls whatsoever.

This year I’m also not feeling great with an entirely different problem that will probably require surgery. I have experimented with the appetite thing. I’ve experimented with the quantity stuff. I’ve stopped journalling which means I’ve put away any expectations of losing weight until the new year.

But I’ve kept other controls – just by coming here and saying what’s on my mind and stepping on that digital slab once a day. And it seems to be working. This is what’s happened to my weight this month:

December 09

1-144.4 Canadian scales
2-144.2
3-145.6-after a day of pretty heavy eating. interesting.
4-145.6
5-148 Really? In 24 hours? Interesting……
6-144.4 after one normal healthy day – see why this was a good idea?
7-144.8
8-144.8
9-144.8
10-144.4
11-away
12-away
13-144
14-145
15-145
16-146
17-146
18 -forgot or didn’t want to – can’t remember
19-out of town
20-out of town
21-145.6
22-144 – is my scale broken or is it premenstrual madness?

I’ve always seen the scale as my nemesis – certainly not my friend – but now I’m seeing that the personification of a bathroom fixture just can’t be a good thing. This experiment has helped me to see them the same way I view my measuring cups. How can I be anything but emotionally neutral about measuring cups?

Wow. I’m heading into Christmas with the gift of scale neutrality. Bring on the turkey.

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Talking It Off

Millie

Happy New Year

Approaching the Starting Line

Delayed Gratification

Consuming and Consumed By

Another Year – What’s it going to bring?

Double-Mindedness

I Lied

After the Feasting

Christmas Eve Blessings

It’s Beginning to Feel a Lot Like………

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