Millie

After 30 years of battling the same 30 pounds, I decided that the permanent solution lay in talking and talking and talking until the underlying issues got figured out. Welcome to the work in progress! Gracie, Mardee & Donna also drop by to chat about their own weight loss journeys.

Experiments in Food Journalling

 Keeping Going, Psychology of Weight Loss  No Responses »
Dec 132011
 
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Last week’s “freedom” experiment morphed into a diet journalling exercise that has been most illuminating.

Before I eat, I have been asking myself (in writing):

  • What do I want this food to do for me?
  • How do I want to feel after I’ve eaten it?

And then I’ve been recording the results.  Here’s an assortment of entries from the last 9 days:

Sunday

2:30 No lunch yet and feeling hungry. What do I want from food? ~not to feel hungry. ~ to just get by until supper. 

Rushed to ferry. Ate pistachios and San Pellegrino lemonade sitting at the dock. Don’t feel hungry anymore but also don’t feel satisfied. Will cook a big pot of chili when I get home. Feel like I need protein and vegetables.

Monday

I want to eat to alleviate the fact that I have to face the Christmas party at Mom’s care home. I ate a bowl of chicken chili and felt full but not uncomfortable. Guess what? Food doesn’t take away responsibility so off to the party.

Party – not the least bit hungry but glad I went. Shared an orange with Mom and had a cup of coffee and a cookie just to be sociable.

Later

In the evening I remembered that I had all sorts of candies ready to decorate a gingerbread house. This is normally permission to to be stupid with food- just because it’s there.

Ate 2 toffees then made a cup of tea. Ate 2 more. Do I want more? Not really. They don’t add anything positive to how I feel. They don’t make me feel less hungry or nourished. They don’t leave a good taste. So will I eat more? Not if I want to get where I want to be.

So I didn’t. I have had that large bag of candy in my possession for a week and have eaten only 4.  This is a result which may just deserve the adjective, “miraculous”.

One caveat: I’m doing this during the sanest two weeks of my hormonal month. Therefore, I’m committed to keeping this going right through the nuttiness of Christmas and people and hormones just to see if I can still get results.

Whatever, I have rarely felt so in control of my eating and so satisfied by what I do eat. As I said earlier: illuminating.

 Posted by Millie at 11:06 am

Looking for Freedom

 Keeping Going, Psychology of Weight Loss  No Responses »
Dec 072011
 
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Not giving up on finding a solution to this disordered eating is the best I can offer at the moment. I’d rather report a big loss and do a “happy dance” about how loose my jeans are (that’s the way it works in Weight Loss World) but, instead I’m just plugging along trying to work out why most of my eating has nothing to do with physical hunger.

Of course, I have insight; no one writes about a subject for three years without developing a little insight into the matter. But I find that I need to deep revisiting those insights in order to make progress. This is all about making progress – keeping weight off and heading towards food/body healing.

That’s why it was SO SO SO frustrating to have put weight back on over the summer.  I was just cruising through my days – downhill, feet off the pedals, hands off the handlebars. It felt so good and was pretty upsetting to realize that I was actually just riding fast, without brakes, into a brick wall.

OK – so I stopped and tried to get back to my “normal” which is paying attention to what I’m doing and taking off those stupid 7 pounds. SEVEN. Not seventy.  But still. It’s heading up and, unchecked, would certainly end up thirty again.

Right now I’d chose sane over thin – except when I look in the mirror. Can I please have both?  Can I please live a life of moderation AND have a waist?

Anyway – back to the insight.  I was reading a column by a woman who’s fighting anorexia and she was talking about how her eating disorder was really about keeping control in a messy world.  It reminded me of the discovery I made some time ago that eating whatever and whenever, for me, is about freedom.  I’m a terribly responsible person and would never engage in any kind of reckless behaviour that could possibly harm anyone else but I need FREEDOM – from routine, from responsibility, from expectations.

But I can’t be irresponsible.

I can’t just go out and drive fast or refuse to work or take drugs.

I’m not going to have an affair because I’m still completely in love with the man who’s been in my life for 30 years.

I was tempted to pitch a tent at St Paul’s but I don’t like protesting under anyone else’s banner.

I could certainly drink but I grew up in a family soaked in alcohol so I try to exercise some restraint there.

I did take on a profession which is unstable and unpredictable but leaves me pretty much in control of my time. That feels good.

I did let my hair go grey which happily horrified quite a few people, but they all seem to like it more than I do now so it hardly feels rebellious – though I am happily free from hair dye.

So that leaves eating. When I feel constrained by the responsibilities of my world, I eat. Of course, choosing the freedom to eat when and what I eat is also rejecting the freedom to wear the clothes I want or to like what I see in the mirror.

So – just for today – which FREEDOM do I choose?

Actually – that’s got to be asked more often than once daily. When I’m faced with a food decision today, I’ll ask myself what I’m doing: nourishing my body or satisfying my need for freedom.

Better get to it.

 Posted by Millie at 9:29 am

Life’s Little Hills, Ditches & Quagmires

 Last Ten Pounds, Things to try  No Responses »
Nov 152011
 
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The “what would happen if I don’t eat this” question is proving to be one of the best motivational tools I’ve ever dreamed up! Chuffed is the local word.

Of course, as with any other weight loss tool, it only works if you work it and I’ve let life get in the way for a couple of days. And, of course again, you don’t have to tell me that life will always always always get in the the way of weight loss if that’s how I want to play it. Always.

If I want to take off these last 10 pounds (and I do) then hills, ditches and quagmires are for navigating over, around and through – not for providing excuses to lie down and quit.

So what if my hormones are now providing non-stop entertainment for a full two weeks per month.

So what that it’s 11:30 am and I’ve already been up for 7 hours.

So what that I’ve got to bake sweet things for company and for a funeral tea.

So what that this is akin to handing matches and some dry kindling to an arsonist.

Did I mention the hormones?

So what to all of it!

I need a plan:

I will probably not be in any “losing mode” as far as calories go today but, when faced with whether or not to put food in my mouth, I will keep asking, “What would happen if you didn’t eat this?”

I will be kind to myself but not by soothing my stress with food.

I will drink plenty of fluids and eat little and often.

I will think about what I want to be wearing and how I want to be feeling on Christmas day.

 

 

 

 Posted by Millie at 4:52 am  Tagged with:

The Effects of Not Eating

 Psychology of Weight Loss  No Responses »
Nov 122011
 
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And by “effects” I don’t mean weight loss.

All day yesterday when thinking about eating, I asked myself, “What would happen if I didn’t eat?”  And here’s what happened.

  • Breakfast: Knew I’d be very cranky and hungry if I didn’t eat so I did.
  • Lunch in a coffee shop: The answer was I’d be too hungry to keep shopping so I ordered a small latte half a sandwich rather than a large latte and a whole sandwich.
  • Mid afternoon, walking past every other coffee shop two hours later when I was a little hungry and a lot fed up with shopping: I decided I wouldn’t die if I didn’t eat so I went home and had a big mug of tea.
  • Supper, faced with portion decisions: I decided I could eat a smaller portion than usual and filled up my plate with vegetables.
  • By 8 I was hungryish – not very and I didn’t really wait for an answer to the “what if I didn’t” question before eating peanut butter on a ryvita. Note that it was a good choice of food for the situation but I still wished I’d thought harder about finding an answer before eating it. I think this is just a matter of getting better at asking and waiting for myself to answer before eating.
  • Evening in a house with no wine: Asked myself what would happen if I didn’t have a gin and tonic. The answer was that I would become very resentful of the water I’d been happily drinking so I had a g & t.
  • Later in the evening (10:30 maybe) when the husband cracked open the cheese: I asked myself what would happen if I didn’t eat cheese too. Embarassingly, I decided that this could make me angry if I had to sit there and watch him enjoy cheese and bread and whiskey- even though I wasn’t in the least bit angry about anything else. So, I  went and got myself a little cheese and ate it.

I think we’ll call that little blip “dieting resentment” and I need to learn to think positively during those moments of self-denial that will have good consequences down the road a ways. What I should have done was just remove myself from the cheese – because it did look and smell good – and done something else for a few minutes that didn’t involve going into the kitchen. Next time.

Day 2 begins, complete with wine and cheese party tonight. Deep breath.

 Posted by Millie at 2:04 am  Tagged with: ,

Psychology and Weight Loss

 Psychology of Weight Loss  No Responses »
Nov 112011
 
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Losing weight and keeping it off involves acheiving a complete overhaul of, not just a person’s nutrition and exercise, but the way they think about food and their body. See yesterday’s post for more on the research that’s got me thinking about this.

I’ve spent years getting to know what kind of healthy eating works for me and what kind of exercise I can commit to for as long as my body will let me. But I still weigh too much because the psychological side of things lags behind the physical.

I’m pretty much a pro at the “just do it” side of things. I eat well and exercise……..ready for it?…………under ideal life conditions.

Who’s got those for more than 2 or 3 days at a time?  Not me.

So now I’m trusting in what I know about nutrition and getting to work on my psyche. This means ploughing through even when life is less than ideal. I fully understand that this doesn’t involve quick fixes. Instead, I just want to practice thinking in new ways about food, body and self.

Here’s what’s happened over the past two days

I decided that I often eat because it’s what I usually do at a certain time or what I do when a certain mood hits. So, yesterday I decided not to eat for most of the day. I had liquids and ate a small supper but mostly I wanted to draw a line between my slightly out of control food behaviour and a new way of thinking.

Today I started the experiment. All day today and for the next while  -always factoring my low boredom threshold – I’m trying not to think in terms of what I will feel like if I eat something, but what I’ll feel like if I don’t eat something. Will I still be stressed?  Will I still be hungry? Will it make me angry not to eat? Could it have another effect? If the answer is that I’ll be hungry, I eat the smallest portion available and check to see if I’m still hungry.

This isn’t a long term thing but it’s making me think of food from a different angle – not what eating will do for me but what NOT eating will do for me. If not eating will produce a negative effect, then I’ll eat.

Convoluted? Maybe….but I need to turn things upside down just to see my own chronically poor eating behaviour from another perspective.

Stay tuned. There’s a weekend of socialising to get through.

 Posted by Millie at 10:21 am  Tagged with: ,

“Secrets” of Maintaining Weight Loss

 Keeping Going, Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process  No Responses »
Nov 102011
 
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So here’s some new research that I think any long term dieter could have written – but in plainer language.

Purpose: Weight loss is critical in the fight against obesity yet only about 20% of individuals maintain weight loss long term. This review examines the psychological factors influencing weight loss maintenance….

Conclusion: Evidence indicated avoiding dichotomous thinking, eating to regulate mood, and disinhibited eating were associated with weight loss maintenance. Increased dietary restraint, perceived benefits outweighing costs, lower/stable levels of depression, and more positive body image were also associated with weight loss maintenance. …

And it all means?

If you want to maintain a weight loss (and I would add, lose it in the first place), get rid of the following behaviours:

  • dichotomous thinking = All or Nothing, On or Off Programme, On or Off the Wagon
  • eating to regulate mood = Ice-cream* or Cheese* Therapy (insert applicable food.)
  • disinhibited eating  = “I eat because it’s there.”

And add the following behaviours:

  • increased dietary restraint = too big for a one-liner. This is the whole lifelong commitment to a new and better way of eating.
  • perceived benefits outweighing cost = “I’d rather wear that dress than eat that doughnut.” (I know there’s a better deeper reason but it didn’t just pop into my mind the way the dress image did.)
  • lower/stable levels of depression = (in my case) keep talking it off and keep moving.
  • having better body image = being motivated to make big changes out of love rather than loathing for my body.

If these really are the secrets to success  – and they ring true to me – then I’m going to work with them for a while.  I know an awful lot about dieting. I know what to eat. I know how much to move. But I’m not getting the results I want – because I’m not being consistent with the things above.

So from this point till I’m bored (can’t promise a timeline), I will notice and work through these things on a daily basis.

 Posted by Millie at 6:00 am  Tagged with: , ,

And They Just Keep Coming

 Keeping Going  No Responses »
Oct 292011
 
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The curve balls. I know; it’s life. But I didn’t duck very well and one of them hit me square in the face. I woke up this morning feeling bruised and sad and wishing that things could be different.

Vague, yes? Sorry about that. Some things don’t get blogged about. But I CAN say that I ended up eating out of anger and frustration and sadness.

I also had a weird blow-out with the old WW buddies. Oh well. That’s nothing compared to the other stuff. I decided a long time ago to remove myself from angry people, so I did.

It’s interesting to see how really sad & angry and virtually sad & angry are completely different. One requires sorting and solving; the other requires moving on and keeping going.

Here’s the tricky and relevant bit: neither of them gets any better or any more solved by stuffing the feelings down with food.

And RIGHT THERE – that’s the place that separates the “Just do it!” people from those of us who need to work this thing through with more than just self discipline and an over abundance of positive maxims for amazing living. (There should be multiple exclamation points in there but I don’t have the stomach for that this morning.)

So – a new day. One foot in front of the other. Mindful eating. Forgiveness (of self and others). That’s all I can offer from this not very chipper perspective.

 Posted by Millie at 12:48 am  Tagged with:

Coping With Curve Balls

 Keeping Going, Last Ten Pounds  No Responses »
Oct 262011
 
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After 17 years in this baseball free country, sometimes only a baseball analogy will do. (Out in left field is the other one.)

So. Saturday morning, while packing for the weekend, I was thinking how lovely it was to be heading towards Christmas with no operations/hospital visits/scans/waiting for results looming on the horizon. Five minutes after I had that thought, the mail dropped through the slot, (yes, we still have Saturday post), and there was a letter from the breast clinic saying that I needed to come back on Tuesday (yesterday) for further investigations following my mammogram.

Have I mentioned that was going to be my first Christmas since 2007 which didn’t include medical stress? 2007!

The ending is happy. My work on Tuesday got cancelled, allowing me to keep the appointment. The appointment went great and they aren’t concerned any more. So – normal levels of life stress have resumed.

The point of writing this is that this is what life is really like. If I want to lose weight and keep it off, I need to be prepared to work through the extra stressful times as well as the normally stressful day to day living.

I sort of managed it. I had a wonderful relaxing weekend and made consistently good choices with food – considering that I have no expectations of losing weight this week. I didn’t actually fall apart until after I got home from the appointment yesterday and had a bit of a “post trauma” rest of day – just needing to feel full all the time and eating when I wasn’t hungry. This is my final frontier in disordered eating and, though it happens less and less, it certainly happens.

On the positive side, I walked 6.5 miles yesterday – 2.5 just commuting to the hospital and back and 4 at a good clip with a friend in the evening.

Anyway – life goes on. I want to be slim, fit and healthy so I’d better be ready to push through the muck of life and take care of myself along the way. And by take care of myself, I don’t mean giving myself permission to overeat just because it soothes my nerves for a while.

 Posted by Millie at 12:32 am  Tagged with: ,

Keeping It Up

 Keeping Going, Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process  No Responses »
Oct 222011
 
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I need to write something here that sticks with me through the next 5 days.

  • 3 days of motorways, hotels and lovely socialising.

Followed, without time for a breath, by

  • 2 days of trains, long long work days and exhaustion.
I’m almost 3 pounds lighter than I was a couple of weeks ago. I want to be a full 3 pounds lighter by this time next week. That’s a loss of a few ounces – not 2 pounds or even 1 pound lighter. I know my limits.
So what recurring thought is going to keep me headed in that direction? It’s got to be positive. It could be about health or fitness but I’m pretty sure that vanity is really my most effective short term motivator.

Here’s the thought:

I want to feel at ease and confident in my body. I know that feeling is a few pounds away and I want to go in that direction. I won’t be counting calories for the next 5 days, just asking myself:

Is what I’m doing right now taking me towards that feeling of being completely at ease in my body?
I won’t be blogging – just asking that question.
Looks like Twitter is going to be the tool of choice this week. Follow along if you’d like. @talkingitoff

 

 Posted by Millie at 2:10 am  Tagged with: ,

Scale Insanity

 Thoughts on the Process  No Responses »
Oct 192011
 
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Yoni Freedhoff’s post in Pschology Today has caused me to look back over the history of my relationship with scales and weighing.

There was a time when the scale ruled my life. If the scale didn’t reflect what I perceived as my hard work, I would immediately quit dieting and go back to old habits. Stupid but true. But when I started getting serious about dealing with what lay behind my inability to keep weight off, this scale insanity had to be addressed.

I dealt with it by doing something that most professionals would probably advise against: daily weighing. For months on end, I weighed myself every single morning and even recorded the numbers here for the public to see. In the end, I quit because I finally understood how my weight temporarily fluctuated over weeks and months and how it responded to sensible controlled eating. Today I can hop on the scales in the morning and not have an emotional blip because I pretty much know what to expect. (Though I did have a physical blip which led to an emotional blip when I didn’t weigh myself for 6 weeks and put on 7 lbs this summer – so all is not perfect, yet.)

I also refuse to weigh myself other than at home first thing in the morning – except when I go for hospital appointments but that’s for another purpose altogether. You’ve got to love how happy everyone is because I haven’t lost any weight! Hooray me. (If only they knew……)

Here’s an excerpt from one of my old posts about Weight Watchers’ contribution to scale insanity:

So I trotted down to the (Weight Watchers) meeting and stood on the scale.

147 (with clothes, post coffee – that’s just fine)

I was yammering away as I stepped off and thought the weigher hadn’t seen the number. So I stepped back on.

146.5

Interesting. Do you see why I don’t really care what the WW scales say?

When I took my seat with some friends, they had each put on half a pound. Or had they?  Maybe we should go back to weighing in whole pounds on balance scales? I wonder if those who weigh in kilos and half kilos are less prone to this craziness. I wish I had the answer to scale insanity. I think they should have a WW topic about The Big Picture. It’s really about what happens over a month – or a season – or a year that counts.

When you’re 10 lbs lighter than you were 2 months ago, that’s weight loss.

When you’re .5 lighter than you were last week, maybe it’s a loss and maybe it isn’t.

Here’s the big issue. We get so emotionally wrapped up in what that scale says that we let it rule the following week. I’m pretty sure the women who had small gains are too sane to let half a pound influence their eating. But then people used to think I was sane too – but I really really wasn’t. Half a pound gained could lead to another pound gained which would inevitably lead to quitting WW and putting on 20 pounds.

So I’m going to keep up the daily weighing. I knew it could take away the power of my home scale but I am absolutely over the moon that it has snuffed out the power of the WW scale too.

Back in 2011, I’ll finish with a few of Dr Freedhoff’s wise words:

Remember, it isn’t really about what you weigh; it’s about what you’re doing about what you weigh. Getting sucked into using the scale as your arbiter of success is risky business.

Amen.

 

 

 

 Posted by Millie at 8:18 am  Tagged with: ,
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