23Jun10 Accountability Last 10lbs 12/42
No Gravatar

We had a beautful salad last night with hot smoked peppered salmon (not just any hot smoked peppered salmon), very dark green and purple lettuces, vine tomatoes, red pepper and cucumber.   I would normally also add fresh blueberries and toasted almonds but was out of the former and looked up the caloric content of the the latter.

I would normally add about 60g (2 oz) because they are so lovely but that adds 160 calories to each portion. I know that almonds are a great source of good things but, frankly, I’d rather have my glass of wine, knowing that I’ve had loads of protein and “good things” in the fish.

The husband commented on the lack of almonds and I found myself coming up with a sensible answer.

Basically – that’s exactly the kind of thing we can add back into our diet once the last 10 pounds are off.  Previously I might have added back something like a couple of cookies with a cup of tea – but almonds in the salad are so much better and so much nicer to think of.  And so much less likely to be overeaten when there’s no salad in sight.

But I was going to write about accountability.  This is just to say that we’ve been invited out for dinner tomorrow. It is completely outside my personality to ask ahead what we’ll be having – and, yes, even when the food is being prepared by one of my closest friends on the planet.  Instead, I need a plan to stick to.

  • I’ve already volunteered to bring the veggie platter for snacking and playing cards later.
  • I’m in the exercise groove this week and am aiming for a 5 mile walk/run today and 3 miles tomorrow.
  • Wine: 2 glasses – and bring 2 bottles of perrier or similar.
  • Portions: small and fill up plate with veg.
  • Dessert: mint tea?  Can I do it?  We’ll see.  I might have a small portion.

Does it matter?  Well it turns out I really did undo last week’s hard work with one silly weekend so, yes, it matters.

A picture just flashed into my head of my childhood snakes and ladders game.

As much as I hate the “good/bad” language of weight loss, I also hate the “undo it all” weekend experience.  So I’m not going to undo it all this weekend.  That’s a promise to myself.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process
Tagged
22Jun10 Running – Last 10 lbs 11/42
No Gravatar

Reading about other people’s running is like reading about their computer problems: makes you want to stick a pencil in your eye just to relieve the boredom.

However, I’m at that lovely early stage in my relationship with this particular form of exercise where I’m still slightly in love. I find myself thinking about running with something vaguely resembling hunger. I can lie awake at night and imagine the feeling of general well-being that moving brings.

Then, in the morning, I put on the gear, plug in the ipod and (crucially) hide behind the baseball cap and sunglasses, and head out the door.  Within 2 minutes the fantasy run disappears and it just hurts.

Yesterday I decided to run rather than walk out the door and see how far I could go before I needed a break.  I managed almost a mile then walked a bit then picked it up again then walked a lot, managing only to run a minute or so at a time. The overall result was 3 miles in 35 minutes.

Here’s my question:  If I can cover 3 miles alternating running and walking, why can’t I just cover it all at a slow steady jog of 5 mph?

It’s a mystery.  Maybe my natural running pace is too fast for my current level of fitness.  I guess I don’t really know what it feels like to run 5 mph. Yesterday I covered that first mile at 6.5 mph – will have to work on that.

Anyway – while I was loping (let’s call it that for the sake of broadening vocabulary and not because it’s an accurate description of my form) – while I was loping along I started setting fitness goals.  I could envision doing this every day.  I would gradually increase the running and decrease the walking.  I would be running my whole 5 mile route by September.

Then I remembered reality.  As soon as I start setting those kind of goals, I quit.  As soon as I go through my little pocket calendar and project how much weight I will lose by my birthday, the whole plan falls apart.  As soon as I work out how much money I can save by Christmas, the budget flies out the window.  As soon as I decide to run a 10k race, I will give up running.

I love the idea of planning and setting goals but the reality just doesn’t agree with me.

Insight! That kind of goal setting requires a certain steadiness that I don’t possess.  I harbour a fantasy that I will one day be a measured human being but the fact is that I’m more at home with a Feast or Famine lifestyle.  Maybe Peaks and Troughs is a better description.  It’s not actually All or Nothing – more that I love a rhythm of life which is sometimes full and buzzing with activity and sometimes calm and pretty much devoid of responsibility.  Most people seem to get through life at a steady jog but I much prefer to alternate sprinting with resting.

Ha! Believe it or not, I started writing that last sentence with no idea that there was a connection between my approach to running and my approach to life. Interesting what comes out while blabbing.  Well well well.

9 Comments Posted by Millie in Exercise, Last Ten Pounds
Tagged
22Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 10/42
No Gravatar

Yesterday was fine -as it often is when I’m “getting back to it”.  But enough about me….I’ve found a new site where I can happily procrastinate away the hours!

Obesity Panacea

They’re Canadian.

They’re scientists.

They’re serious about research.

They debunk myths around food and weight loss.

They have good discussions.

What’s not to love?

No Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds
21Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 9/42
No Gravatar

The scale says I spent the weekend undoing all my previous hard work. I’m doubting that but it was a teeny poke in the ribs to wake up and do what I want to do.

Yesterday wasn’t superb as far as behaviour but I did haul my most unwilling body off the sofa and go for a 5 mile walk. I didn’t run at all and even my music was the stuff that I normally use for stretching and cooling down. I’m relieved to find that my new 5 mile route can be used for relaxing as well as killing my lungs.

But this morning I realised what has been missing for the past couple of days: I’ve been thinking about all the “shoulds” of this process but haven’t once thought about what it is that I really want. Not once.

So today I’m thinking about 139. That’s what I want. That’s what I want.

Here’s a London experience that shows how far I have to go with that.

The husband and I went to a pub where I settled on the patio and he went and asked for a glass of Merlot and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. They were surprisingly nice for pub wines. After dinner, I went to the bar and asked for exactly the same thing – only I came back with undrinkable swill. Honestly.

I furiously decided just to drink mine but the husband took his back and returned with a glass of the good stuff. It was a real crisis moment for me. I knew exactly what I wanted but I equally knew that I didn’t want to go through the hassle and embarrassment of getting it. I sat with the glass of wine for about half an hour before I finally got up the nerve. But I did it. I suffered the patronizing bartender (who had exchanged the man’s wine with an apology! grrrr) and I drank the whole glass even though I didn’t actually want it by then.

So this 139 project is a little part of a big thing in my life. I was raised by good people who were horrified by ambition of any kind and “getting what you want” just didn’t feature in life. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t want to become selfish and this is all tempered for me with “God willing” and with a big concern for how my life impacts the lives of others. But not living up to your potential because you don’t want to look ambitious or successful is another kind of selfish.

So weight is big but what I’m working on has implications for the rest of my life too. 139 is a symbol for who I want to be.

A post-script thought which just hit me like a bolt from the blue:

For anyone inclined this way, have a look at Psalm 139. This is what draws the line between “realising potential” and “selfish ambition” and keeps 139 entirely in perspective.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process
Tagged ,
20Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 8/42
No Gravatar

I’m not reporting in arrears today, rather, “As It Happens”.

Much has been said about triggers for eating.

stress

hormones

anger

grief

and the rest.

But today I want to talk to you about The Hangover. I don’t drink more than two glasses of wine very often any more because the next morning dawns with a ripping headache and a desire for nothing except lying a still as possible on the sofa.

In the dark.

It lasts till about noon and then I can go about my day – but, by then, the eating is usually shot.

I’m saying all this because I’m feeling much better now – thank you for asking – and I can decide that it’s all shot to hell or I can reign it in and replenish the nutrition I swamped out of my body last night.

That’s about all I can manage for now.  Time for another large mug of tea.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
Tagged
19Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 7/42
No Gravatar

The only reason yesterday wasn’t a disaster was that I had exactly the right food in the house and knew what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  The evening was notable for the disastrous football rather than disastrous eating so that’s something.  I did have an extra glass of wine for medicinal purposes.

It seems that I’ve lost 1.8lbs this week.  That’s just a fact – not a reason to do a dance. But it’s the right direction and it reflects my behaviour this week.

**********************************************************************************************************

Little stars mean the start of an unrelated thought.  I wish I had little stars for talking – sometimes the conversational shifts are a little sudden.

One of my favourite things about Nutracheck is that, for a tiny monthly fee, I have permanent storage of my weight loss history for the past 2.5 years.  Sadly, in an effort to create a “clean slate” I wiped out Jan-July 08 – but I know that I lost about 15lbs then put 10 back on.  That gain was the turning point that prompted me to start writing about the process.

Once in a while it’s worth looking at the big picture.

Interruption: Why oh why do I feel guilty for not having to suffer as much as other people?  Or rather, why do I feel I have to apologise for not letting myself become obese?  I should be very proud of myself for stopping and turning and never going back to that high weight even during the most stressful 2 years of my life.  Right. That’s official.  I am genuinely proud of myself for not allowing my weight to get even more out of control than it was.

Interruption over.

The thing I learn most from the chart below is that I have a very very poor memory when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I thought I was going to see that I’ve been below my current weight many times in the past 12 months.  In fact, I’ve been bouncing around the same 5lbs since the end of November – not even seven months.

Is it too painfully obvious to point out that the gains happen during the breaks from journalling and, except for one Christmas/surgery episode, those breaks are when I’m in Canada?  Apparently, I did something right last summer and didn’t gain anything during a 6 week break.  I guess I’d better figure out what it was and do it again.

I truly thought I was stuck in a never-ending battle to lose the last 10 pounds.  Turns out I’m not “stuck”; I just need to pay attention and be committed to maintaining when I take a break from trying to lose weight.

I use the word “just” as though it’s going to be easy. I’d better rephrase….It turns out I’m not stuck; I’m prone to getting lazy when I’m not in losing mode.  So I will continue with the “hard work” even when I weigh exactly what I want to weigh.

And I will stop apologising to imaginary people for doing what I need to do to get what I want.

(And that makes me feel awkward just writing it.)

Sat 19 Jun 10 146.6 lbs
23.4 lbs 24.4
Sat 12 Jun 10 148.4 lbs
21.6 lbs 24.7
Sat 22 May 10

Break +4.5lbs

 148.6 lbs
21.4 lbs 24.7
Sat 10 Apr 10 144 lbs
26.0 lbs 24.0
Sat 20 Mar 10 146 lbs
24.0 lbs 24.3
Sat 13 Mar 10 144 lbs
26.0 lbs 24.0
Sat 06 Mar 10 143.5 lbs
26.5 lbs 23.9
Sat 27 Feb 10 144 lbs
26.0 lbs 24.0
Sat 20 Feb 10 146 lbs
24.0 lbs 24.3
Sat 06 Feb 10

Break +4lbs

 147 lbs
23.0 lbs 24.5
Sat 28 Nov 09 143 lbs
27.0 lbs 23.8
Sat 14 Nov 09 146.2 lbs
23.8 lbs 24.3
Sat 07 Nov 09 147.4 lbs
22.6 lbs 24.5
Sat 31 Oct 09 147.5 lbs
22.5 lbs 24.5
Sat 24 Oct 09 150 lbs
20.0 lbs 25.0
Sat 19 Sep 09 149.5 lbs
20.5 lbs 24.9
Fri 04 Sep 09

Break – same!

 151 lbs
19.0 lbs 25.1
Fri 17 Jul 09 151 lbs
19.0 lbs 25.1
Fri 10 Jul 09 149.5 lbs
20.5 lbs 24.9
Sat 04 Jul 09 151 lbs
19.0 lbs 25.1
Fri 26 Jun 09 151 lbs
19.0 lbs 25.1
Fri 12 Jun 09 151 lbs
19.0 lbs 25.1
Sun 07 Jun 09

Break +2lbs

 153 lbs
17.0 lbs 25.5
Fri 03 Apr 09 151 lbs
15.0 lbs 25.8
Sat 28 Mar 09 151 lbs
15.0 lbs 25.8
Mon 02 Mar 09 152 lbs
14.0 lbs 26.0
Tue 20 Jan 09

Break +5lbs

 153 lbs
17.0 lbs 25.5
Tue 02 Dec 08 148 lbs
22.0 lbs 24.6
Mon 10 Nov 08 149 lbs
21.0 lbs 24.8
Mon 27 Oct 08 150 lbs
20.0 lbs 25.0
Fri 03 Oct 08 153 lbs
17.0 lbs 25.5
Sat 20 Sep 08 155 lbs
15.0 lbs 25.8
Mon 08 Sep 08 156 lbs
14.0 lbs 26.0
Mon 25 Aug 08 157 lbs
13.0 lbs 26.1
Mon 18 Aug 08 159 lbs
11.0 lbs 26.5
Mon 11 Aug 08 160 lbs
10.0 lbs 26.6
Mon 04 Aug 08 161 lbs
9.0 lbs 26.8
Mon 28 Jul 08 163 lbs
7.0 lbs 27.1
Mon 21 Jul 08 165 lbs
5.0 lbs 27.5
Wed 02 Jan 08 170 lbs
0.0 lbs 28.3
No Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Last Ten Pounds
Tagged ,
18Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 5&6/42
No Gravatar

I’ve been at a conference so my brain is full and I’ve got all sorts of feedback to give people and it’s Friday. (The Friday issue may be the key to my lack of brain power at the moment.)

So this will be short.  I did very well until I let myself get too hungry and lost the plot between 4 and 10 pm on Wednesday.  Quite a lot of plot-losing can happen in 6 hours.

Yesterday was fine because I was in a conference all day, drinking loads of water and not touching the biscuits at break time or the desserts at lunch.  Unbelievably, the food was lovely so I did eat well and managed to wait until 9pm to eat dinner.

So it’s back to losing mode today.

I think I’ve decided that, even when I really really want to lose excess pounds, it’s more sane to agree to maintaining rather than attempting to lose while I’m out of town.  Sanity is more important than a couple of ounces off and I’m pretty sure that a decision to “do my best” leads to more sensible behaviour than the expectation to accomplish the impossible and lose weight while eating out for two days. I will test this hyposthesis next time I’m working away and report back with my findings.

OK – better go find some mental energy to get back to work.  I’d rather curl up with a book but emails beckon.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
15Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 4/42
No Gravatar

So.

Did I have enough calories for eating what I ate yesterday?  Yes – with lots left over.

Did I binge?  Nope – bingeing doesn’t happen often anymore.

Was I stuffed full?  No.

Was I happy with my eating?  Sadly, no.

In a normal “diet” just scraping by with the right numbers is fine. However, in the battle for food/body sanity, there are a couple of mindsets that still bother me and yesterday I fought one of them all day.

It was the, “I really want to do this but I’m going away so it’s going to be difficult so I might as well blow it today so blowing it tomorrow doesn’t ruin a nice break” mindset – or, slightly more pithy: “the sabotage now and avoid the rush” mindset.

It’s an old one and at least I know when it’s happening but it’s a mighty strong current which drags me towards more food and drink than I need.  If I wasn’t battling to work hard and take off these last 10 pounds, then I suppose there would be no such thing.  You can’t sabotage normal, can you?

But I’m under no illusion that I’m eating normally right now.  I’m eating to lose weight while not making myself a social outcast and that’s a narrow road to walk.

So I survived yesterday but battled and battled and battled.  I had also banked enough calories to allow myself a nice dinner out but have slightly dented that balance.

This has got to be short as there’s lots to do before we hit the road. I’ll report back on Days 5 and 6.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process
Tagged ,
14Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 3/42
No Gravatar

Grumpy!  But at least it gave me a chance to practice the 139 visualisation about 100 times.  It was just one of those days where I normally would have eaten my annoyance with the world just because I couldn’t name the problem and fix it.

I still managed to eat reasonably, stay within calories and take a short walk. (I may still be a little grumpy.)

Emotional Essentials:

A long time ago I wrote about being ready to leave the “fat club” and I was and am still in that mindset.  I no longer worry that I won’t have a place in the (almost) Universal Sisterhood.  I’m happy about that because I think the fear of not belonging held me back for a long time.

However, I’m discovering during this last 10 pounds thing that I still have a weird worry.  I don’t want to be succeeding when others are struggling.  Bizarrely, I have no problem with struggling while others are succeeding.  In fact, I usually find it encouraging.

Ha – I just searched this blog and came up with this post from February.  I obviously identified the issue but didn’t work it through in real life.  I guess that’s the story of my weight loss journey!  It take so long to work these things through and out of my life.

So why do I still need people to know what a struggle this is?  And it IS a struggle.  But, if I lose weight and keep it off, I am fully aware that people will think I’m “lucky” and that irks me beyond belief.

AH…..insight!  I am an affirmation junky and if people think I’m just “lucky” with my weight loss, then the results somehow mean less to me.

It reminds of a Hallowe’en many many years ago when my kids were 4 and 2.  There was a serious pumpkin shortage – as in NONE at all in the grocery stores so I took the kids downtown and we went into some businesses which had piles of pumpkins in their window displays.  My charming son (and I mean Charming with a capital C) did the talking and eventually wangled us a beauty.

In one shop, after we’d all said thank you to the manager who had refused our request,  someone said to me, “You’re so lucky to have such polite children!”  And I wanted to punch her.  LUCKY?????  YOU THINK I’M LUCKY? (I thought, quietly to myself.)  My children’s manners had and have nothing to do with luck and everything to do with the relentless hard work of their parents.

Hmmm (the sound of more thinking) – I guess this blog is my way of proving to the world that this process is a struggle and that I will have earned every benefit of a smaller, fitter body.

If anyone thinks I’m lucky, I’ll just point them over here.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds
Tagged
14Jun10 Last 10 Pounds 2/42
No Gravatar

Yesterday was postitive for food and exercise and, interestingly, also postitive for house cleaning. Positive thinking does have positive results.  So now I have sore muscles but a tidy bedroom and slightly less cat hair in the lungs. :)

Foodwise it was easy because it was just a repeat of the day before.  Today, we shift the menu for two days.  The two days thing has nothing to do with weight loss – it just reflects that fact that there are two people instead of four in the house so each normal recipe feeds us for two meals.  Tonight, chilli with lots of vegetables.

There’s not a lot of insight to share because it’s still too early in the process. “Honeymoon” would be pushing it, but I’m still slightly in love with feeling in control. I’m still happy to eat the same breakfasts and lunches.  When Grim Determination sets in, that’s when the real thinking begins.

So for now I’ll put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Challenge for the week: two days in London

Wednesday

  • breakfast: home- porridge
  • lunch: sandwhich on the road – ok – will pack
  • dinner: pub  It’s a toss-up between stuffed red pepper and a burger with salad.
  • evening: wine – we’ll be watching the World Cup in a pub so there’s going to be alcohol.  Just need to decide how much and stick to the limit.

Thursday

  • breakfast: ugh- not much choice. Wait!  Can get porridge at Starbucks.  That’s a plan.
  • lunch:  ick – no choice at all.   “Sh*t on a Stick” aka conference food.  I’ll have a couple of nibbles and just stay hungry.
  • dinner: Will grab a latte or something for the car then eat when we get home in the evening.

So we’ll pack some oranges and bananas for snacking in the hotel and car.

And exercise?  London is, for me, a city for walking so that’s what I’ll do.  I’ve just had a look at the maps and I think I can fit in a couple of miles in the morning before the conference. Timing will be everything.

Finally – How’s the “139″ strategy working?  Amazingly well for someone who doesn’t make much use of mental strategies.  When I’m tempted to eat without hunger, I picture stepping on the scale and seeing “139″.  Sounds too simple, and maybe I just haven’t felt tested yet.  Let’s see how it works faced with a pub menu in London.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds
Tagged
Pages (18): « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next » ... Last »