Talking It Off

It’s happened. I can see the light of day. I knew that I was doing the right things despite how dark and gloomy I felt, and this is my reward. I’ve also recovered from the usual sinus infection after almost two weeks. Now I can turn my energies to taking better care of my body, exercising, eating right, and all those things that just don’t seem important when I’m in the slump of depression, and feeling like crap. Luckily, my meals are generally healthy, low in bad stuff, and high in good stuff. So I’m ahead of the game there. It’s the snacking, the extra stuff, that sends me off track. That’s the thing to deal with first. I don’t do well if I set a lot of strict rules for myself, but I think “no sweets” is one that needs to be called up right now. Aside from that, I enjoy air popped popcorn, fruit, a Balance Bar mid-morning at work, fresh veggies with hummus. It doesn’t sound like deprivation, does it? No. It sounds like good, tasty, healthy food. And that’s just what I need. And I have plenty of it in the house, so no sense delaying any longer–my depression detour was delay enough. Now, let’s get on with it, already!

Friday night: After a whole year of work, 2080 “official” hours, and countless late nights and weekend hours, the results are in. I suck at my job. It isn’t enough that I weigh far more than I should, that I have little-to-no self esteem, that I’m floundering in debt, and spending 10 hours a week in a car driving/riding to a job that was moved out from under me, and has changed significantly in the recent past–and not for the better. Now, it turns out that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I did, the best that my boss has to say about the blood, sweat, and tears that I gave for my employer is “needs improvement.” Are you f*cking kidding me? Talk about a slap in the face. For the first time, I’m seriously thinking maybe it is time to start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I have the confidence to pull that off. But to have my efforts reduced to “needs improvement” is more than I can bear. I worked over my holiday break. I’ve never done that before. And what was the point? Apparently, there wasn’t one. It all feels pointless now. Expectations are apparently so high as to be un-meetable. I’d like to ask my co-workers how they did, but finding out that they scored better would only make it worse, when what I really want is to find out that they suck too. Then I’ll know for certain that it’s a combination of too-high expectations, and a boss who can’t find a way to say, “Good job!” Or is it that I don’t do a “good job?”

I’m going to save this for now, instead of posting it. It seems a little dark for the “Talking It Off” blog. Maybe things will look different tomorrow. One can hope…

Saturday morning: Nope, things don’t look any different yet. My review was unnecessarily harsh. So now what? I was tempted to wallow in depression and food, but that only partly worked. I wallowed in depression, but didn’t have any appropriate food items to dive into. That’s ok though. I curled up in a ball, pouted, felt sorry for myself, and then went to bed. Woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself as well. But then I found a link to the new “We Are The World” video. Watched that, and felt like an ungrateful b*tch. Then I remembered that I have the power to change my attitude, which I promptly did. My plan? For this morning, it’s a weight workout and a walk with my “granddog” who is here while my daughter is at work. Then on to the grocery store to get some produce. And then, home to respond in writing, calmly and professionally, to my boss’s review of my work. I know that she was harsh in giving me a numeric rating. Her words told a different story. Plenty of “willingness to take on additional accounabilities” and “offers help to staff” and “worked over the holiday break” and other things that tell me there’s a disconnect between her words and her numbers. And, in a startling change from previous plans, I will update my resume and venture out into the job market. Can’t hurt. Might help.

In trying to build up my confidence to tackle even a low-key job search, I will start with exercise. I know from previous experience that it works in precisely that way. And exercising is almost pointless if I’m going to continue to not eat well. So effort must be made there. Will this be the trigger to a healthier lifestyle? Will this be the thing that spurs me into more permanent action? I hope so. With the knowledge that I control my attitude, and with constant reminders so I don’t forget, I have a chance. A good one.

There’s the answer to the question in the title of this post. And the point of all this was…what, exactly??? The point is that I am worth far more than others will give me credit for. I am worth the best effort in caring for myself. I am worth a job where people will appreciate the work that I do, and the extra effort I put in, and especially, that I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes, because yes, there were mistakes. So here’s to NOT letting a harsh judgment from someone I know to be difficult to please ruin my day or anything else! Now I’m going to make a donation to the cause in Haiti, since their suffering helped me realize that I don’t have it so bad! 

I think that’s what I’m doing–trying to move forward with my gearshift lever stuck solidly in neutral. And being the genius I am, I can finally see that it isn’t working. (I say that with love and a chuckle, not with self-loathing or criticism.) Now what do I do with this faulty transmission? I hold on to old behaviors (“Just a small bag of gummy whatevers” and “it’s ok to keep that in the house because I won’t eat it all right now” and “I can skip working out today cuz I’ll do it tomorrow”) and expect to make great strides in weight loss and fitness gains. No great strides will be made until my transmission is firmly in drive. I would describe that as actually doing the things I need to do to move forward–keeping the junk out of the house, working out whether I feel like it or not, realizing that what I’m doing is the definition of insanity, which is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Not gonna happen. Now how do I make some forward progress? It doesn’t have to be a huge leap forward, just a small forward motion, kind of like when I was learning to ride a motorcycle. A little throttle, and ease up on the clutch, until I found the sweet spot where I could control the speed and keep the bike upright and moving even through impossibly tight turns. You can’t always just fly full-throttle up the road. Sometimes there needs to be a bit of course-correction. And so far, my only course-correction was to slam on the brakes and revert to old behaviors. A little finesse would be good here. A light touch, surveying the road ahead for signs of trouble, and using some course-correction if needed. (Can you tell the biker in me can’t wait to get the bike out this spring? I’m itching to feel the wind in my h…ok, I wanted to say “hair” here, but let’s be honest, it’ll always be “wind in my helmet.” ;-P ) I’m taking the basic riding course again in spring. Why? Because I’m not satisfied with my progress, and I know I can’t improve if I don’t do something different. Why is it so hard to realize that doing something different is exactly what I need for other areas of my life too??

This year, even the traditional first day of the new year diet didn’t work for me. I skated right past that milestone without so much as a pound lost since then. That is a bad sign…