I’ve made hundreds of “plans” before to get my eating and my spending under control. Why didn’t they work? Because they were plans, not commitments. A plan isn’t worth much if there’s nothing behind it! So that’s what I need to do–have a plan, and COMMIT to it. Sounds simple, but is it? I think not. It does need to be done though. The plan needs to be more specific than usual, to cover the loopholes I usually find to get out of them. And it needs to have me fully on board. Today seems like a fitting day to begin facing this, so Day 1, here we come.

This is my third evening without TV, and my second officially back on WW. So far, it feels good. I cooked tonight, chicken/peppers/bulgur w/ EVOO & caramelized balsamic, and made enough for 4 meals. That’s in the fridge. Last night, I made a huge kettle of my favorite soup. I like it enough that I eat it for lunch all summer long, in my air conditioned office. That’ll be in my freezer shortly. I’ve gotten into the habit of walking at lunchtime. I love to do that, as long as it’s not too hot. No worries today, it was 44 degrees and breezy. I wisely left my jacket behind, as I knew I would be plenty warm enough walking in the sun without it. It feels good to be making such a big change by ditching TV at the same time I start WW. I find that  I need some kind of novelty to help get me going. Usually it’s a WW toy of some kind–and I did get a WW cookbook. The TV thing is really big for me though. Hopefully that big a change will really shake up my routine which is just what I need. I was spending too much time plopped on the couch. Ok, I’m plopped on the couch right now, but I’ve cooked, eaten, cleaned, and taken care of some household stuff. And I didn’t plop down here until 8: 30. Progress.

Now what? Now I do what I’ve spent my whole life learning how to do. Follow a plan to lose weight, work out regularly, plan ahead, be mindful of the choices I make. (More on mindfullness when I get farther into the book I’m reading. Seems to be helping so far!) One of the things I’ve done the past two days is eat “real” food. Not diet stuff, but real cereal, regular ol’ grocery store stuff. In the long run, that’s what I want to be eating anyway, so I might as well make it a habit. I can no longer do the frozen entrees. Blech. I do keep a couple of Healthy Choice soups in my office just in case, but that’s the extent of it. I also eat the sandwich thins that are all the rage these days, but because I like them, not because they are lower in points or calories. No more diet dressing on salad, I use EVOO & balsamic. It doesn’t feel like a diet now. And that is just what I need!

It occurs to me that I have been struggling with my weight since I was 14. At that time, I weighed exactly 135 pounds at 5′ 7″. And I was convinced that I was SO fat. Not in the anorexic “never eat anything” way, but in the “crazy fad diet” way. And we made most of our diets up. A donut for breakfast, followed by diet soda and cigarettes the rest of the day. Then McD’s for dinner. Of course, by that time we were starving, so we’d go with the big sandwiches and large fries. And we wondered why it didn’t work! I know why it didn’t, but back then, we couldn’t figure it out. I DO know how to make it work these days. I just haven’t had the internal…fortitude? …strength? …guts? to do it. Why? I don’t know. Does it matter why? Can I just accept the fact that the answer to “why?” is not available to me right now? Can I just do it anyway, and find another way to deal with whatever it is that keeps me from meeting my goals? Maybe exercise, or something social that doesn’t involve food. Maybe getting out on my bike and clearing my head of cobwebs and old garbage.

To that end, I am going to be signing back on to WW Online at some point this weekend. In the meantime, I’ve stocked my kitchen with the right stuff, and have planned some changes to some of my habits, even the healthy ones. For instance, even though I know I can lose weight while eating a big bowl of air-popped popcorn almost every night, I’m going to switch that up with a (measured) bowl of cereal–something healthy but tasty, and some milk. That way, I can get a bit of sweet without depriving myself. It’s time to get the job done. I’m almost 53 years old, and am still struggling with whatever internal demons are making this difficult for me. I’ve done many things I’m proud of, that required strength and persistence. I can do this too. Even though money is tight right now, there are some things that ARE important enough to pursue despite the cost. And this is one of them. The trick then is how to approach this differently this time. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I can’t do this the same way I have been. The result has been giving up, regaining weight, and ending up right where I started–or worse!

That’s one of the big challenges then. How to do this differently, to change the result, and get out of the grips of weight yo-yo insanity. Luckily, I have some time over the next few days to think about it. And I already know what my first step is. On Monday, I am turning in my DVR, and canceling my cable TV. I will keep my internet service, of course. But without the convenience of watching TV constantly, that will leave my schedule open to more things like cooking from one of the zillion WW cookbooks I own, or getting out for some exercise, or reading one of the many books waiting for my attention, or goofing off to help burn up job-related stress. While the idea of not having TV at the ready was scary the first time I thought about it, I am now looking forward to the possibilities. The idea started as a result of an experiment in taking a BIG step in changing my life, based on a class that I took at the local university. I tried it for a week–no weeknight TV. And it was very freeing. I was afraid to stick with it, so I let it slide, but I’m ready now. That extra cash will be helpful in many areas, like helping pay for my WW online subscription. Thanks to life coach Jeanette, who instructed that class, for starting the process that generated that idea! And I truly believe that this is the start of something big. Or maybe “less big” is the way to say it.

Back to the classic muscle car analogy, because I like it. If I was really restoring a classic car, I’d have to know how to wrench on it. That means instructions, which means my WW materials. And supplies, tools. That means the right groceries, measuring tools, kitchen gadgets, etc. And a way to know how much progress I’ve made. I can use my eyes, as I would with the car. I can also use the scale, and the fit of my clothes. I also need the right frame of mind. If I don’t have that, how will I handle the bumps and hiccups during the long process? Not very well. Tools might be thrown, there might be some bad language (Might? Try “will!”) occasionally. I need to be ready for whatever comes my way during this project.

Another helpful thing to have is plenty of time to work on the project. This is not something that’s going to come together in just a few minutes a day. I’ll need far more time than that to get things restored to their original beauty. So forget the days of working on the fly. Plan to spend enough time to do the job right. Lube the moving parts with exercise. Feed the engine and the computer with the right gas & oil, and enough rest. And once the original beauty has been restored, it will be very important (VERY!!) to keep it that way. This will be hard work as well, so no giving up, EVER.

After my last Aha! moment, I haven’t made much progress. Transmission is stuck between R and N. No forward progress yet. I know that I can have some things in the house and not eat them all right now. I don’t know what things will cause a problem, but I suspect that large open bags of stuff will be harder to deal with than single servings. Because let’s face it, a large open bag IS a single serving, if I’m being honest and realistic. And if I’m not going to be honest and realistic, what’s the point? Without those things, I will never get my transmission into drive and start leaving some of these pounds in the dust. And I really want to do that. I want to be thin and fit and healthy. I know that. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my head lately, and what’s up there, besides lots of numbers (helloooo, I’m an accounting geek), is a strong desire to do this. I don’t want to do it for anybody but myself this time. Not so I can date, or look for a new job, or please my mother. It’s just for me! I love classic muscle cars. If I’m going to stick with the car analogy, then I am a rusty, barely functional 69 Camaro SS, sitting in somebody’s backyard, just waiting to look great again. And let’s face it–while the new Camaro is cool, the panache of a perfectly restored 69 Camaro SS is over-the-top awesome. I want to be that vintage 69 Camaro SS.

Time for a change in thinking. I was buying something I know I’m better off without. And buying more than one, knowing that they’d all be gone before tomorrow. That’s when it hit me. WHY DO I NEED TO EAT THEM ALL TODAY??? Ta-daaaaa! Shift in thinking. So if I buy several of them, eat them all at once, feel guilty, then deprive myself for days and days, what happens? I do the same thing all over again. What if (hang onto your hats!!) I bought some, and only ate ONE now. What if I had them there for if I wanted them, but felt that I didn’t really need one right now? Could I leave it till when I really DID want it? Turns out that the answer is yes. I CAN do that. In fact, during the times I’ve been successful in losing weight, that’s what I did. I bought something that I would parcel out a few points-worth at a time, when I wanted it. Journal it, eat it, enjoy it, move on. So I will be “playing” with that concept for the next few days. Let’s see if I can make it work again. Because I will do ANYTHING to be successful at weight loss, including having the occasional treat! (Big sacrifice, I know…) Stay tuned!

It’s happened. I can see the light of day. I knew that I was doing the right things despite how dark and gloomy I felt, and this is my reward. I’ve also recovered from the usual sinus infection after almost two weeks. Now I can turn my energies to taking better care of my body, exercising, eating right, and all those things that just don’t seem important when I’m in the slump of depression, and feeling like crap. Luckily, my meals are generally healthy, low in bad stuff, and high in good stuff. So I’m ahead of the game there. It’s the snacking, the extra stuff, that sends me off track. That’s the thing to deal with first. I don’t do well if I set a lot of strict rules for myself, but I think “no sweets” is one that needs to be called up right now. Aside from that, I enjoy air popped popcorn, fruit, a Balance Bar mid-morning at work, fresh veggies with hummus. It doesn’t sound like deprivation, does it? No. It sounds like good, tasty, healthy food. And that’s just what I need. And I have plenty of it in the house, so no sense delaying any longer–my depression detour was delay enough. Now, let’s get on with it, already!

Written January 25, 2010: There is no doubt in my mind–my depressed mind–that sometimes there is nothing more delicious and luxurious than wallowing in depression. Give in to it! Curl up under a “blankie” and do nothing but watch TV, play on the computer, read, and eat, all day long. Call it a mental health day, if you will. Sometimes that makes it easier to pick up and carry on. Sometimes. Then there are the days that go WAY past the kind of depression you can “treat” with a mental health day. It’s dark. The sun doesn’t shine because it’s probably winter. And even if it did shine, you’ve spent every minute of that time at work and unable to spend any time in it. Dark when you leave for work and dark when you get home. And not only is it dark outside, but it’s dark inside too. Inside my head. Inside my heart. Inside my soul. Giving in to that kind of depression is dangerous. We’re not talking wallowing on the couch for a day here, either. The only thing to do with that kind of depression is to FIGHT. Fight for your life. Fight for your health. Fight for your right to turn the figurative lights back on, even if the sun isn’t coming out any time soon. Because the alternative is to hide until spring. And that’s not helping anything. So fight!

Fight it how? For me, it means calling on my buddies from BCB. They never let me down. They helped me forulate a plan to deal with the dark cloud following me around. They gave me the encouragement to fight my way out of this one more time. Why does it get so bad sometimes? The depression and lack of sun make everything else worse. And current job difficulties make me want to eat my way through the bakery, snack, and ice cream aisles of the grocery store. And because I don’t give in to that urge as much or as often as part of me would like to, the monster won’t be soothed.

I’m not sure what all this means for me right now. I suffer from depression. I have all my adult life. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, but it’s always there. And sometimes I need to fight it for all I’m worth. It’s inter-twined with my eating and food choices, and with my activity level. And when those things are not working properly, neither am I.

I have to know when it’s ok to wallow. And when it’s not ok, I have to fight like hell to stay in the game. That is the only way to get where I want to go!

Edited on February 28, 2010: I was just thinking about how depression has taken over my life. It seems to inhabit every corner of it these days. I came here to work out some things by blogging, and had completely forgotten that this draft was sitting here. I re-read it, and can see that it really has taken over my life lately. And looking back, I can see that during some of the worst moments of my life, I was wrapped in a layer of it. The more I think about it, the more I see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with the pieces of my life, but I’m living that life through the lens of depression. My marriage could have turned out differently. I might not have quit my last job if it wasn’t for the depression haze. All kinds of things…

The circumstances of my new job are kinda sucky lately. The depression makes me want to just quit. Never mind that I’m single and only just barely supporting myself. I want OUT. I could make it work more easily if it wasn’t looking so bleak because of where my head is at. But there I am, just wishing I didn’t have to go to work. I joked with my mom earlier that I’d rather have two days off for a colonoscopy than go to work. Now there’s something really wrong with that… Just increased the Prozac, so we’ll give it a week or two. Then it’s time to call the doctor again if it doesn’t help. I’m SO tired of losing big chunks of my life to this beast–not to mention what it does to my weight and self-esteem.

I guess I’m in wallow mode right now. I’m sick with whatever crap is going around, and that’s left me without any fight. But I’m afraid if I give in and stay in bed, it will cost me my job. So I have to find whatever “oomph” I have left, and make it work for me.

Friday night: After a whole year of work, 2080 “official” hours, and countless late nights and weekend hours, the results are in. I suck at my job. It isn’t enough that I weigh far more than I should, that I have little-to-no self esteem, that I’m floundering in debt, and spending 10 hours a week in a car driving/riding to a job that was moved out from under me, and has changed significantly in the recent past–and not for the better. Now, it turns out that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I did, the best that my boss has to say about the blood, sweat, and tears that I gave for my employer is “needs improvement.” Are you f*cking kidding me? Talk about a slap in the face. For the first time, I’m seriously thinking maybe it is time to start looking for a new job. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I have the confidence to pull that off. But to have my efforts reduced to “needs improvement” is more than I can bear. I worked over my holiday break. I’ve never done that before. And what was the point? Apparently, there wasn’t one. It all feels pointless now. Expectations are apparently so high as to be un-meetable. I’d like to ask my co-workers how they did, but finding out that they scored better would only make it worse, when what I really want is to find out that they suck too. Then I’ll know for certain that it’s a combination of too-high expectations, and a boss who can’t find a way to say, “Good job!” Or is it that I don’t do a “good job?”

I’m going to save this for now, instead of posting it. It seems a little dark for the “Talking It Off” blog. Maybe things will look different tomorrow. One can hope…

Saturday morning: Nope, things don’t look any different yet. My review was unnecessarily harsh. So now what? I was tempted to wallow in depression and food, but that only partly worked. I wallowed in depression, but didn’t have any appropriate food items to dive into. That’s ok though. I curled up in a ball, pouted, felt sorry for myself, and then went to bed. Woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself as well. But then I found a link to the new “We Are The World” video. Watched that, and felt like an ungrateful b*tch. Then I remembered that I have the power to change my attitude, which I promptly did. My plan? For this morning, it’s a weight workout and a walk with my “granddog” who is here while my daughter is at work. Then on to the grocery store to get some produce. And then, home to respond in writing, calmly and professionally, to my boss’s review of my work. I know that she was harsh in giving me a numeric rating. Her words told a different story. Plenty of “willingness to take on additional accounabilities” and “offers help to staff” and “worked over the holiday break” and other things that tell me there’s a disconnect between her words and her numbers. And, in a startling change from previous plans, I will update my resume and venture out into the job market. Can’t hurt. Might help.

In trying to build up my confidence to tackle even a low-key job search, I will start with exercise. I know from previous experience that it works in precisely that way. And exercising is almost pointless if I’m going to continue to not eat well. So effort must be made there. Will this be the trigger to a healthier lifestyle? Will this be the thing that spurs me into more permanent action? I hope so. With the knowledge that I control my attitude, and with constant reminders so I don’t forget, I have a chance. A good one.

There’s the answer to the question in the title of this post. And the point of all this was…what, exactly??? The point is that I am worth far more than others will give me credit for. I am worth the best effort in caring for myself. I am worth a job where people will appreciate the work that I do, and the extra effort I put in, and especially, that I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes, because yes, there were mistakes. So here’s to NOT letting a harsh judgment from someone I know to be difficult to please ruin my day or anything else! Now I’m going to make a donation to the cause in Haiti, since their suffering helped me realize that I don’t have it so bad! 

I think that’s what I’m doing–trying to move forward with my gearshift lever stuck solidly in neutral. And being the genius I am, I can finally see that it isn’t working. (I say that with love and a chuckle, not with self-loathing or criticism.) Now what do I do with this faulty transmission? I hold on to old behaviors (“Just a small bag of gummy whatevers” and “it’s ok to keep that in the house because I won’t eat it all right now” and “I can skip working out today cuz I’ll do it tomorrow”) and expect to make great strides in weight loss and fitness gains. No great strides will be made until my transmission is firmly in drive. I would describe that as actually doing the things I need to do to move forward–keeping the junk out of the house, working out whether I feel like it or not, realizing that what I’m doing is the definition of insanity, which is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Not gonna happen. Now how do I make some forward progress? It doesn’t have to be a huge leap forward, just a small forward motion, kind of like when I was learning to ride a motorcycle. A little throttle, and ease up on the clutch, until I found the sweet spot where I could control the speed and keep the bike upright and moving even through impossibly tight turns. You can’t always just fly full-throttle up the road. Sometimes there needs to be a bit of course-correction. And so far, my only course-correction was to slam on the brakes and revert to old behaviors. A little finesse would be good here. A light touch, surveying the road ahead for signs of trouble, and using some course-correction if needed. (Can you tell the biker in me can’t wait to get the bike out this spring? I’m itching to feel the wind in my h…ok, I wanted to say “hair” here, but let’s be honest, it’ll always be “wind in my helmet.” ;-P ) I’m taking the basic riding course again in spring. Why? Because I’m not satisfied with my progress, and I know I can’t improve if I don’t do something different. Why is it so hard to realize that doing something different is exactly what I need for other areas of my life too??