31Jan10 One more time, again, because I can’t just quit, and I’ll never be done if I don’t get started.
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As posted on BCB today: I’ve been thinking a lot today, and I can’t come up with anything new to do to help me stay the course. That means that the only course of action is to fall back on the remedial mindset. No click, but I gotta do it. No burst of positive energy. No amazing insight that leads to an “Aha!” moment. But I gotta do it. So that means focusing on remedial tasks without the benefit of any of the aforementioned fireworks. Hard work, eating smart, journaling on WWonline, working out, planning ahead, all that stuff that seems so mundane and dull. But I know it works, even in the absence of the fireworks, new gadgets, gizmos, toys, tricks, etc. I DO have pretty (titanium & plum, nice color combo!) new Asics Gel Cumulus shoes, so there’s some excitement, but not much. Still, gotta do it. I’m too old to be playing these games with my health!! So I am committing right now to working this program no matter how un-exciting it may seem. No matter how dull/boring/routine it seems. Because that’s what us remedial girls have to do. And the excitement will be in the form of weight loss and health gains, when I finally actually WORK on this. I guess I can’t be bored with working the program, because I HAVEN’T been. And heaven knows, as much as I love using the WWonline site, there’s no sense in paying for it if I’m not going to make the most of it.

Now I’m going to take a bit of time to work on the budget project from hell, before doing some weight work and getting on the treadmill. That’s my plan for the remainder of the day. Budgets, weights, walk. Popcorn later, when obligations are completed. Early to bed, after getting ready for the start of the work week. And a fresh, new, remedial attitude for the day: Putting one foot in front of the other, and the right food into my mouth, without the fireworks, because there simply aren’t any fireworks left after doing this for thirty eight years, but it has to be done anyway. So I’m going to do it. That’s my truth, and I’m sticking to it.

3 Comments Posted by Gracie in Giving up, Starting Again Again
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20Jan10 Now what?
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This year, even the traditional first day of the new year diet didn’t work for me. I skated right past that milestone without so much as a pound lost since then. That is a bad sign…

1 Comment Posted by Gracie in Thoughts on the Process
1Jan10 Good intentions, bad follow-through.
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Once again, it’s the day traditionally given over to resolutions. I make the same one every year–almost the same one. It started as a weight loss thing. Now, it’s more of a health issue. I’ve always felt younger than my age, physically as well as mentally and emotionally. This year, I feel older physically than I’d like. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, blood sugar numbers that have crossed the line into pre-diabetic, and a motorcycle accident that, while fairly minor, has left me with pain and stiffmess that I don’t like having to live with. So what can I do about these issues? And the other issues: poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, depression, seasonal affective disorder, blah blah blah. The answer to ALL of these issues is the same. Take better care of myself! This is NOT rocket science! Eat well, lose weight, exercise to strengthen my heart and build muscle, use my light box daily to be sure I don’t suffer from the lack of sun here in the winter, and end up feeling better all the way around. Nope, not rocket science. Yet, I struggle. I fail–repeatedly. What the f#$% is wrong with me? I can tell you what’s RIGHT with me–I NEVER give up. I’ve been fighting this battle since I was 14. I haven’t had a lot of success, but I haven’t given up, either. And I’m sure not going to now. I’m going to use the motivation of being Mother of the Bride next year as the carrot on the stick. But since I don’t want to find myself without motivation after that, it will be necessary to make the new behaviors permanent. Not just doing different things to lose weight for one occasion, but permanent behaviors to keep with me forever. That’s where WW comes in. That’s how they roll. And that’s how I’ll roll. With so much to live for, I cannot keep working on an early death! I must work on my follow-through, because all the tools and knowledge are in place. I just need to keep using them, day after day, one day at a time, for the rest of my life.

1 Comment Posted by Gracie in Giving up, Keeping Going, Starting Again Again
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19Dec09 Back to the Beginning…
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I know it–I’ve entered weight-loss hell. I found myself wondering how I could lose 20 pounds by this afternoon. 0 I’m SO unhappy with how I look and feel. I have ALL the tools I need to deal with that, so why am I NOT dealing with it? Ok, let’s be realistic–I CAN’T lose 20 pounds by this afternoon. But maybe by Christmas Eve? Ok, now I’m kidding. But seriously, I have fallen right back into that ugly place where I’m looking for quick fixes and the latest fad diets to get to where I want to be. Yes, I know they don’t work. No, I’m not going to try one. But I sure the hell WANT to. 0  THIS is why I became a remedial buddy in the first place. I find myself ending up back at this same spot no matter how much I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown. It’s like being 15 and SO incredibly lacking in confidence in myself. I don’t understand how that can happen so easily.

What to do now? I’ve signed on to Weight Watchers Online. I wish I could afford meetings, but that’s not going to happen right now. Maybe someday, because I know that works better for me. The rest I will have to do myself, with the support of my blog buddies, my BCB buddies, and the friend at work who just went back to WW meetings. I know I can do this. So why is it such a struggle?

Time to go back and read the attitude adjustment post from December 8th, and move on from there…

Ok, attitude adjustment exercise:

  • I have 2 GREAT daughters, 24 & 27, and I’m proud to say I’m their mom.
  • I have a family I love, even in the face of all our dysfunction.
  • My family will celebrate the holidays with all the joy and cheer that makes it a very special time for all.
  • I have a good relationship with my ex, which is good for my daughters.
  • I have a job. Many people don’t.
  • I LIKE my job, at least most of the time.
  • I have off from said job from Christmas to New Years Day. 
  • I have the physical ability to exercise.
  • I have the mental ability to make better choices.
  • I have the brains to make all this work FOR me.
  • I have motivation to be strong, healthy, and fiscally fit, so that when spring gets here, I can fire up my Harley, modify it any way I want, and ride like the wind. (A slow wind, of course…)
  • I have awesome friends and a great support system! Shout out to all my BCB buddies, and Millie, Donna & Mardee at the blog! (IPB too, you know who you are!)
  • I am strong enough, and smart enough, and tough enough, to do this and to do it well. I can get my eating, my spending, my level of physical activity, and my attitude, all under control and headed in the right direction.

Ok, now that I’ve given myself a pep talk, I can start my day with a smile on my face, and the desire to change my circumstances.

Having gone back and reread that, I feel better. I know that this struggle is just one part (although a very important part) of my life. But when I look at my other successes, I know that I can win at this game, because it is a deadly-serious game–one that I have to win. For the sake of my health, for the sake of my children and any future grandchildren I might have, and for those others in my life who are important to me (especially my brother, who struggles with his own demons, and who I am incredibly close to). It must be done.

No Comments Posted by Gracie in Giving up, Starting Again Again
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15Dec09 Reruns. Again. When will there be something new??
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I wish I could go back. I miss it. I miss the excitement. I miss learning about what’s new. I miss the awesome feeling of starting out fresh and full of motivation. I miss the opportunity to find a new gadget or two just for kicks. I miss that first week of being on WW–the determination, the drive to succeed, the steadfast refusal to fail. Lately, it’s all about having done this before. Countless times. And failed. Countless times. It doesn’t seem like a new start these days, so much as unwelcome reruns of a bad sitcom. Everything is stale and old. It’s not exciting, it’s S.O.S.–the Same Old Sh!t. And that makes it very hard to make it work. I’ve been there, done that, over and over and over. And now I’m doing it again, because I haven’t gotten anywhere all the times I’ve done this before.

How can I make this new again? I know WW is the right program for me. It’s healthy, it’s simple, it’s sensible. But it’s not new. Why do I need it to be new? What is it about “new” that makes this seem easier? Maybe, like the first day of school, it’s because it’s all fresh and clean. It hasn’t been mucked up yet. And as a perfectionist, once it’s mucked up, it can never go back to fresh and clean. Why does that matter? What’s wrong with starting over after erasing mistakes and giving it another try, instead of just giving up? All through school, I would do just that–make a mistake, erase, and then end up berated for the less than stellar condition of my paper. Dirty mark from the eraser, maybe a hole in the paper, clearly not fresh and clean, like Kathy S.’s papers always were. So give up and don’t even try. Because you can’t do it right, perfectly right.

I’ve messed it up so many times that I just can’t start over one more time. What’s the point? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FREAKIN’ POINT IS! It’s about taking care of myself, not about being perfect and neat and right. It’s about caring for myself as much as I care about others. It’s about being the best I can be, whether I’m sloppy or neat. Why does that get lost in the process? Why is that so hard to grasp? Because I learned right at the start that it has to be clean and neat and perfect, or they won’t like you and you’ll get yelled at. But it can’t be clean and neat and perfect, so why bother?

More on this later. This really isn’t where I expected this to go. I have to let this marinate between my ears for a while to see where else it takes me…

No Comments Posted by Gracie in Giving up, Keeping Going, Starting Again Again, Thoughts on the Process
10Dec09 Change is…good?
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Today is moving day at my office. My department is moving about 40 miles away, which means a commute where there didn’t used to be one. There are both positive and negative aspects to this. Negative is the time and cost of the commute. We’re talking 90 minutes to 2 hours a day, depending on traffic, and $150-$200 a month, depending on mileage. Positive is a new work atmosphere and spending time with co-workers I previously only got to see at occasional staff meetings,  working in the “big city” (Milwaukee) where there are more opportunities for just about everything, and shaking things up a bit. It’s the “shaking things up” part that I’ve been thinking about this morning. The powers-that-be are treating us to pizza today for lunch. Not the kind of pizza that is worth getting sick over (lactose intolerance), or getting fat(ter) over, but crappy, bring-on-the-Imodium, I-think-I’m-gonna-be-sick, chain restaurant (think “hut”…) pizza. I’m not having that. I figure my first day at my new office is a good time to go public as being a non-pizza/non-dessert kind of girl. Then co-workers will be accustomed to the fact that I have different needs when it comes to food–not weight loss needs (people don’t take those seriously), but health needs. That will make it easier to do this. 

 This means being strong today. If I cave, and eat crappy, makes-me-sick pizza, my health issues will take a back seat to my ability to be swayed when others want someone to “play” with. “Come on, PLEASE go for pizza with me? Pleeeaaassseee?” No. Pizza doesn’t agree with me, even if I take Lactaid. No. Ice cream isn’t worth how awful I’ll feel later. I’m lactoce intolerant. No. I choose to stay away from sweets because I am pre-diabetic. I choose health. I choose to be fit and healthy and vital. I choose to be active and engaged in life, rather than fat and sick.

I wonder if balancing my health needs with being social and friendly will be a challenge? I don’t think it will be too bad. Many of the people at my new office are younger than I am–parents of elementary school or middle school kids. They seem to be healthy, vital, gym-going kinds of people. They will understand. Those that I can picture as trying to persuade me to join them in the “eat-fest” behavior are people I can see being potential binge buddies. I REALLY don’t need to encourage close friendships with people like that. I don’t have any binge buddies right now (except one of my daughters, but that’s a whole other post), and that’s a good thing. I don’t need any!

I continue to work on my attitude. Today’s post is part of that work. It’s not only my feelings about food and exercise that are directing my behavior, but also feelings about the commute I’ll be undertaking. I am feeling resentful that someone other than myself can make a decision that impacts my circumstances in ways that will have a large negative impact on my life (money, time). I am sad because it will cost me so much to keep my job, especially after I have taken on a fairly expensive hobby (motorcycling). I am not willing to give up that hobby, so I will have to work hard to fit it in around the reduced resources. It is important enough to me to make this work. It is also important to be perceived as the kind of employee who is willing to go the extra mile at work. That will (or should) result in increased income. That will help me maintain my hobby more easily. (And after a suitable period of intense practice riding said hobby, I can use it as transportation to work!)

Lots of work to be done here. I’m up to the challenge. I’m strong, smart, capable, and willing to work hard to accomplish ALL my goals, despite the increased challenge in getting to work, and in educating my co-workers in how I need to take care of myself.

2 Comments Posted by Gracie in Health, Thoughts on the Process
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8Dec09 Making adjustments to make progress
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I unintentionally started an attitude adjustment thread on BCB, and thought I’d share it here too. I’m struggling with having to adjust my budget to include an 80 mile round trip commute daily, that doesn’t fit into my current budget. I’m also struggling with all the previous issues: food, spending, lack of exercise. And when I toss in the enforced commute and the extra expense and time (estimate: $150-200 a month, 90 minutes to 2 hours a day), I get a seriously bad attitude about the whole thing. I’m struggling with this attitude, because I can’t change what’s happened, and I’m not willing to give up a job I like, even though it’s becoming a problem for me financially. So here’s my BCB post, edited to make sense in a different forum: 

Gotta spend some time with the budget (or lack thereof) to see how to fit everything in. The more I think about it, the more I’m inclined to cut the cable TV, and maybe look around for cheaper internet as well. We’ll see. It’s hard to think of not having all the stuff I’m used to watching, but that’s what it’s come down to.  I guess I’ll just have to learn how to be a grown up.  Can’t help but be pissed off that other people can make decisions that make me have to think about things like this.

Unfortunately, every time I start thinking about the whole situation, I get all riled up. That’s not good, and I’m not sure how to change direction. I try to adjust my attitude, but it always comes back around to “WTF???” And that affects all my other behaviors–shopping, eating, and the eternal desire to plop on my couch and spend the winter there without moving. Better knock that off!!!

Ok, attitude adjustment exercise:

  • I have 2 GREAT daughters, 24 & 27, and I’m proud to say I’m their mom.
  • I have a family I love, even in the face of all our dysfunction.
  • My family will celebrate the holidays with all the joy and cheer that makes it a very special time for all.
  • I have a good relationship with my ex, which is good for my daughters.
  • I have a job. Many people don’t.
  • I LIKE my job, at least most of the time.
  • I have off from said job from Christmas to New Years Day. 
  • I have the physical ability to exercise.
  • I have the mental ability to make better choices.
  • I have the brains to make all this work FOR me.
  • I have motivation to be strong, healthy, and fiscally fit, so that when spring gets here, I can fire up my Harley, modify it any way I want, and ride like the wind. (A slow wind, of course…)
  • I have awesome friends and a great support system! Shout out to all my BCB buddies, and Millie, Donna & Mardee at the blog! (IPB too, you know who you are!)
  • I am strong enough, and smart enough, and tough enough, to do this and to do it well. I can get my eating, my spending, my level of physical activity, and my attitude, all under control and headed in the right direction.

Ok, now that I’ve given myself a pep talk, I can start my day with a smile on my face, and the desire to change my circumstances.

2 Comments Posted by Gracie in Starting Again Again, Things to try
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30Nov09 The Long Goodbye…
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I’m still doing it–still saying goodbye to my favorites. WTF?? I work with a woman who is diabetic. When she eats sweets, I want to smack her upside her head and ask her what the h*ll is wrong with her. It’s so easy to know what others should do, and expect them to just do it. Here I am, starting down that same road. I’m at a place now where I can change my future. This is probably my only chance to really, consciously, deliberately change my future. But do I “just do it?” No. What’s more important than my health? More important than my future? More important than a strong and healthy Gracie going out to the garage in spring and starting up that awesome motorcycle and riding off, knowing I can handle that bike to the best of my abilities? I sure wish I knew. Stay tuned for more ramblings down “I’ll start tomorrow” road…

No Comments Posted by Gracie in Thoughts on the Process
18Nov09 Saying Goodbye to Old Favorites
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That’s what it feels like I’m doing since my blood sugar issue began–saying goodbye. But it’s turning into a much longer goodbye that it ought to be. I really believed that I would take responsibility for my health when the chips (no pun intended) were down. But it’s turning out to be harder than I thought to take care of myself. This needs to be a “pull off the bandaid quickly” kind of thing, not a long drawn out process. How do I make that happen?

2 Comments Posted by Gracie in Health
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2Nov09 Pre-diabetic? That changes things…
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After years of damaging my health by using food in the wrong ways, and for the wrong reasons, it has finally almost caught up with me. My blood sugar stepped just over the line into “pre-diabetic.” This is a little scary, but not totally unexpected. Not long ago, my dad heard the same word from his doctor. He immediately gave up sugar and most white carbs, and has embraced his new eating habits with a strength I can only hope I inherited from him along with the tendency toward diabetes. How will I handle it? He always said that regardless of his sweet tooth, he could give up sugar if his health depended on it. And he did. Can I? I can tell you with certainty that I WILL. I have to now. And I have a hunch it won’t be easy. But I’m up to the challenge. After all, I am my father’s daughter!

All this to say that my focus will be on healthy food and clean eating and exercise (workouts as well as normal daily activity) for the sake of my health, which now involves numbers more important than just those on the scale. Yes, the scale is still important as a measure of my success in losing weight–it always WILL be–but there are now other things to consider. Do I want to be a diabetic? No. I don’t even like that I’m officially pre-diabetic. So that has to change. And I have all the tools I need to do that. I’ve always had them, I just didn’t always use them. I used excuses instead.

Now begins the journey where I really see what I am made of. “Sugar and spice and all things nice?” Not anymore. Now it’s “whole grains, produce, & lean protein, spice, and all things strong and determined.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like a nursery rhyme, but this isn’t fun and games anymore. It’s serious. I think it’s been serious all along, but I fooled myself into thinking it was just “how I was.” And how I was has already changed into how I AM. And I AM someone with pre-diabetic blood sugar. Gracie, you know what to do. So do it.

1 Comment Posted by Gracie in Health, Starting Again Again
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