It occurs to me that I have been struggling with my weight since I was 14. At that time, I weighed exactly 135 pounds at 5′ 7″. And I was convinced that I was SO fat. Not in the anorexic “never eat anything” way, but in the “crazy fad diet” way. And we made most of our diets up. A donut for breakfast, followed by diet soda and cigarettes the rest of the day. Then McD’s for dinner. Of course, by that time we were starving, so we’d go with the big sandwiches and large fries. And we wondered why it didn’t work! I know why it didn’t, but back then, we couldn’t figure it out. I DO know how to make it work these days. I just haven’t had the internal…fortitude? …strength? …guts? to do it. Why? I don’t know. Does it matter why? Can I just accept the fact that the answer to “why?” is not available to me right now? Can I just do it anyway, and find another way to deal with whatever it is that keeps me from meeting my goals? Maybe exercise, or something social that doesn’t involve food. Maybe getting out on my bike and clearing my head of cobwebs and old garbage.

To that end, I am going to be signing back on to WW Online at some point this weekend. In the meantime, I’ve stocked my kitchen with the right stuff, and have planned some changes to some of my habits, even the healthy ones. For instance, even though I know I can lose weight while eating a big bowl of air-popped popcorn almost every night, I’m going to switch that up with a (measured) bowl of cereal–something healthy but tasty, and some milk. That way, I can get a bit of sweet without depriving myself. It’s time to get the job done. I’m almost 53 years old, and am still struggling with whatever internal demons are making this difficult for me. I’ve done many things I’m proud of, that required strength and persistence. I can do this too. Even though money is tight right now, there are some things that ARE important enough to pursue despite the cost. And this is one of them. The trick then is how to approach this differently this time. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I can’t do this the same way I have been. The result has been giving up, regaining weight, and ending up right where I started–or worse!

That’s one of the big challenges then. How to do this differently, to change the result, and get out of the grips of weight yo-yo insanity. Luckily, I have some time over the next few days to think about it. And I already know what my first step is. On Monday, I am turning in my DVR, and canceling my cable TV. I will keep my internet service, of course. But without the convenience of watching TV constantly, that will leave my schedule open to more things like cooking from one of the zillion WW cookbooks I own, or getting out for some exercise, or reading one of the many books waiting for my attention, or goofing off to help burn up job-related stress. While the idea of not having TV at the ready was scary the first time I thought about it, I am now looking forward to the possibilities. The idea started as a result of an experiment in taking a BIG step in changing my life, based on a class that I took at the local university. I tried it for a week–no weeknight TV. And it was very freeing. I was afraid to stick with it, so I let it slide, but I’m ready now. That extra cash will be helpful in many areas, like helping pay for my WW online subscription. Thanks to life coach Jeanette, who instructed that class, for starting the process that generated that idea! And I truly believe that this is the start of something big. Or maybe “less big” is the way to say it.

Maybe it’s a sign of my desperation but I’m seriously considering attending a weight loss hypnosis seminar tomorrow. I’m struggling so badly with a lack of motivation and I need something to help me. I have tried rehearsing things in my head, reading motivational stories, I have the house food clean as much as possible etc. None of them are ‘taking’. If it’s not in the house I go out and get it. I’m binging on and off, pretty much whenever I get derailed and I’m getting derailed regularly. I don’t want to change from the Weight Watcher plan because I know it works and it’s practical for everyday life. I just need help on keeping me following it. I know that the meetings aren’t enough to work for me, so going back to meetings won’t help.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just throwing my money away. On the other hand, I quit smoking by using accupuncture, so I’m open to alternative therapies. I’ve done some ‘googling’ but of course there doesn’t seem to be any real consensus as to whether it works or not. I guess if it puts me into the frame of mind where I want to exercise and where I want to eliminate the starchy/sugar based foods then it might be worth the gamble.

Written January 25, 2010: There is no doubt in my mind–my depressed mind–that sometimes there is nothing more delicious and luxurious than wallowing in depression. Give in to it! Curl up under a “blankie” and do nothing but watch TV, play on the computer, read, and eat, all day long. Call it a mental health day, if you will. Sometimes that makes it easier to pick up and carry on. Sometimes. Then there are the days that go WAY past the kind of depression you can “treat” with a mental health day. It’s dark. The sun doesn’t shine because it’s probably winter. And even if it did shine, you’ve spent every minute of that time at work and unable to spend any time in it. Dark when you leave for work and dark when you get home. And not only is it dark outside, but it’s dark inside too. Inside my head. Inside my heart. Inside my soul. Giving in to that kind of depression is dangerous. We’re not talking wallowing on the couch for a day here, either. The only thing to do with that kind of depression is to FIGHT. Fight for your life. Fight for your health. Fight for your right to turn the figurative lights back on, even if the sun isn’t coming out any time soon. Because the alternative is to hide until spring. And that’s not helping anything. So fight!

Fight it how? For me, it means calling on my buddies from BCB. They never let me down. They helped me forulate a plan to deal with the dark cloud following me around. They gave me the encouragement to fight my way out of this one more time. Why does it get so bad sometimes? The depression and lack of sun make everything else worse. And current job difficulties make me want to eat my way through the bakery, snack, and ice cream aisles of the grocery store. And because I don’t give in to that urge as much or as often as part of me would like to, the monster won’t be soothed.

I’m not sure what all this means for me right now. I suffer from depression. I have all my adult life. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, but it’s always there. And sometimes I need to fight it for all I’m worth. It’s inter-twined with my eating and food choices, and with my activity level. And when those things are not working properly, neither am I.

I have to know when it’s ok to wallow. And when it’s not ok, I have to fight like hell to stay in the game. That is the only way to get where I want to go!

Edited on February 28, 2010: I was just thinking about how depression has taken over my life. It seems to inhabit every corner of it these days. I came here to work out some things by blogging, and had completely forgotten that this draft was sitting here. I re-read it, and can see that it really has taken over my life lately. And looking back, I can see that during some of the worst moments of my life, I was wrapped in a layer of it. The more I think about it, the more I see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with the pieces of my life, but I’m living that life through the lens of depression. My marriage could have turned out differently. I might not have quit my last job if it wasn’t for the depression haze. All kinds of things…

The circumstances of my new job are kinda sucky lately. The depression makes me want to just quit. Never mind that I’m single and only just barely supporting myself. I want OUT. I could make it work more easily if it wasn’t looking so bleak because of where my head is at. But there I am, just wishing I didn’t have to go to work. I joked with my mom earlier that I’d rather have two days off for a colonoscopy than go to work. Now there’s something really wrong with that… Just increased the Prozac, so we’ll give it a week or two. Then it’s time to call the doctor again if it doesn’t help. I’m SO tired of losing big chunks of my life to this beast–not to mention what it does to my weight and self-esteem.

I guess I’m in wallow mode right now. I’m sick with whatever crap is going around, and that’s left me without any fight. But I’m afraid if I give in and stay in bed, it will cost me my job. So I have to find whatever “oomph” I have left, and make it work for me.

Well well well – look what I found in our 92-93 photo album.

Every Weight Watchers “Failure Story” (results are typical) must have photographic evidence and here is mine.

BEFORE – early Sept 92 – before quitting Weight Watchers.

AFTER – December 92 – after quitting Weight Watchers – what a difference a few months makes. I have a feeling that I lost a few pounds before I went back to Weight Watchers. It looks like I’ve put on a lot more than 7lbs.

As posted on BCB today: I’ve been thinking a lot today, and I can’t come up with anything new to do to help me stay the course. That means that the only course of action is to fall back on the remedial mindset. No click, but I gotta do it. No burst of positive energy. No amazing insight that leads to an “Aha!” moment. But I gotta do it. So that means focusing on remedial tasks without the benefit of any of the aforementioned fireworks. Hard work, eating smart, journaling on WWonline, working out, planning ahead, all that stuff that seems so mundane and dull. But I know it works, even in the absence of the fireworks, new gadgets, gizmos, toys, tricks, etc. I DO have pretty (titanium & plum, nice color combo!) new Asics Gel Cumulus shoes, so there’s some excitement, but not much. Still, gotta do it. I’m too old to be playing these games with my health!! So I am committing right now to working this program no matter how un-exciting it may seem. No matter how dull/boring/routine it seems. Because that’s what us remedial girls have to do. And the excitement will be in the form of weight loss and health gains, when I finally actually WORK on this. I guess I can’t be bored with working the program, because I HAVEN’T been. And heaven knows, as much as I love using the WWonline site, there’s no sense in paying for it if I’m not going to make the most of it.

Now I’m going to take a bit of time to work on the budget project from hell, before doing some weight work and getting on the treadmill. That’s my plan for the remainder of the day. Budgets, weights, walk. Popcorn later, when obligations are completed. Early to bed, after getting ready for the start of the work week. And a fresh, new, remedial attitude for the day: Putting one foot in front of the other, and the right food into my mouth, without the fireworks, because there simply aren’t any fireworks left after doing this for thirty eight years, but it has to be done anyway. So I’m going to do it. That’s my truth, and I’m sticking to it.

Once again, it’s the day traditionally given over to resolutions. I make the same one every year–almost the same one. It started as a weight loss thing. Now, it’s more of a health issue. I’ve always felt younger than my age, physically as well as mentally and emotionally. This year, I feel older physically than I’d like. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, blood sugar numbers that have crossed the line into pre-diabetic, and a motorcycle accident that, while fairly minor, has left me with pain and stiffmess that I don’t like having to live with. So what can I do about these issues? And the other issues: poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, depression, seasonal affective disorder, blah blah blah. The answer to ALL of these issues is the same. Take better care of myself! This is NOT rocket science! Eat well, lose weight, exercise to strengthen my heart and build muscle, use my light box daily to be sure I don’t suffer from the lack of sun here in the winter, and end up feeling better all the way around. Nope, not rocket science. Yet, I struggle. I fail–repeatedly. What the f#$% is wrong with me? I can tell you what’s RIGHT with me–I NEVER give up. I’ve been fighting this battle since I was 14. I haven’t had a lot of success, but I haven’t given up, either. And I’m sure not going to now. I’m going to use the motivation of being Mother of the Bride next year as the carrot on the stick. But since I don’t want to find myself without motivation after that, it will be necessary to make the new behaviors permanent. Not just doing different things to lose weight for one occasion, but permanent behaviors to keep with me forever. That’s where WW comes in. That’s how they roll. And that’s how I’ll roll. With so much to live for, I cannot keep working on an early death! I must work on my follow-through, because all the tools and knowledge are in place. I just need to keep using them, day after day, one day at a time, for the rest of my life.

I know it–I’ve entered weight-loss hell. I found myself wondering how I could lose 20 pounds by this afternoon.  I’m SO unhappy with how I look and feel. I have ALL the tools I need to deal with that, so why am I NOT dealing with it? Ok, let’s be realistic–I CAN’T lose 20 pounds by this afternoon. But maybe by Christmas Eve? Ok, now I’m kidding. But seriously, I have fallen right back into that ugly place where I’m looking for quick fixes and the latest fad diets to get to where I want to be. Yes, I know they don’t work. No, I’m not going to try one. But I sure the hell WANT to.   THIS is why I became a remedial buddy in the first place. I find myself ending up back at this same spot no matter how much I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown. It’s like being 15 and SO incredibly lacking in confidence in myself. I don’t understand how that can happen so easily.

What to do now? I’ve signed on to Weight Watchers Online. I wish I could afford meetings, but that’s not going to happen right now. Maybe someday, because I know that works better for me. The rest I will have to do myself, with the support of my blog buddies, my BCB buddies, and the friend at work who just went back to WW meetings. I know I can do this. So why is it such a struggle?

Time to go back and read the attitude adjustment post from December 8th, and move on from there…

Ok, attitude adjustment exercise:

• I have 2 GREAT daughters, 24 & 27, and I’m proud to say I’m their mom.
• I have a family I love, even in the face of all our dysfunction.
• My family will celebrate the holidays with all the joy and cheer that makes it a very special time for all.
• I have a good relationship with my ex, which is good for my daughters.
• I have a job. Many people don’t.
• I LIKE my job, at least most of the time.
• I have off from said job from Christmas to New Years Day. 
• I have the physical ability to exercise.
• I have the mental ability to make better choices.
• I have the brains to make all this work FOR me.
• I have motivation to be strong, healthy, and fiscally fit, so that when spring gets here, I can fire up my Harley, modify it any way I want, and ride like the wind. (A slow wind, of course…)
• I have awesome friends and a great support system! Shout out to all my BCB buddies, and Millie, Donna & Mardee at the blog! (IPB too, you know who you are!)
• I am strong enough, and smart enough, and tough enough, to do this and to do it well. I can get my eating, my spending, my level of physical activity, and my attitude, all under control and headed in the right direction.

Ok, now that I’ve given myself a pep talk, I can start my day with a smile on my face, and the desire to change my circumstances.

Having gone back and reread that, I feel better. I know that this struggle is just one part (although a very important part) of my life. But when I look at my other successes, I know that I can win at this game, because it is a deadly-serious game–one that I have to win. For the sake of my health, for the sake of my children and any future grandchildren I might have, and for those others in my life who are important to me (especially my brother, who struggles with his own demons, and who I am incredibly close to). It must be done.

I wish I could go back. I miss it. I miss the excitement. I miss learning about what’s new. I miss the awesome feeling of starting out fresh and full of motivation. I miss the opportunity to find a new gadget or two just for kicks. I miss that first week of being on WW–the determination, the drive to succeed, the steadfast refusal to fail. Lately, it’s all about having done this before. Countless times. And failed. Countless times. It doesn’t seem like a new start these days, so much as unwelcome reruns of a bad sitcom. Everything is stale and old. It’s not exciting, it’s S.O.S.–the Same Old Sh!t. And that makes it very hard to make it work. I’ve been there, done that, over and over and over. And now I’m doing it again, because I haven’t gotten anywhere all the times I’ve done this before.

How can I make this new again? I know WW is the right program for me. It’s healthy, it’s simple, it’s sensible. But it’s not new. Why do I need it to be new? What is it about “new” that makes this seem easier? Maybe, like the first day of school, it’s because it’s all fresh and clean. It hasn’t been mucked up yet. And as a perfectionist, once it’s mucked up, it can never go back to fresh and clean. Why does that matter? What’s wrong with starting over after erasing mistakes and giving it another try, instead of just giving up? All through school, I would do just that–make a mistake, erase, and then end up berated for the less than stellar condition of my paper. Dirty mark from the eraser, maybe a hole in the paper, clearly not fresh and clean, like Kathy S.’s papers always were. So give up and don’t even try. Because you can’t do it right, perfectly right.

I’ve messed it up so many times that I just can’t start over one more time. What’s the point? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FREAKIN’ POINT IS! It’s about taking care of myself, not about being perfect and neat and right. It’s about caring for myself as much as I care about others. It’s about being the best I can be, whether I’m sloppy or neat. Why does that get lost in the process? Why is that so hard to grasp? Because I learned right at the start that it has to be clean and neat and perfect, or they won’t like you and you’ll get yelled at. But it can’t be clean and neat and perfect, so why bother?

More on this later. This really isn’t where I expected this to go. I have to let this marinate between my ears for a while to see where else it takes me…