Health » Talking It Off

Two Minds

Health, Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Jan 252010

Well.
It turns out that feeling a bit depressed is, in fact, the same as being a bit depressed.

What a bizarre day I had yesterday.

I spent all day with my brain in two places at once. Sane brain was thinking about all the things I could be doing to take care of myself in a positive way. Crazy brain was demanding that food be stuffed down in the largest quantities and at the fastest speed possible.

Two brains – and one certainly out-shouted the other.

But why? If I don’t ask that question and come up with a good answer, I will stumble into that kind of day again.

So why?

It was the first anniversary of my dad’s death and I was alone all day. The people I needed most were, at absolutely no fault of their own, in time zones eight hours either side of me.

In the bigger picture of life, I am living in the wrong place. Frustratingly, I love what I do here and I love so much about living here – but my heart is somewhere else and I need to figure out how to deal with that emotionally. Being able to live on two continents is a huge privilege. But the way it works in practice means that, no matter where I am, I’m missing someone or something significant. That gaping hole is perfect for filling with food.

So….the question isn’t really “Why?” but “What am I going to do about the gaping hole?”

Answer: Trust – Love – Pray – Move – Look outward rather than inward…..maybe I’m not in the place for that one.

But what I really want to do is make plans. I’m a person who hates the unresolved. I like solutions, answers – knowing where I’m going next. This is one time in my life where every solution raises more unresolved issues and that makes me stressed in the biggest possible way.

So I’ve established that life is not what I want it to be – but every time I start thinking like that, I have a chorus of positive voices in my head singing out the good things in my life. There are so many that I can’t see how I can feel low – that’s what makes me think that “feeling depressed” may include an element of “being depressed”.

OK – I’m going to leave it there. I’m ok. Really. I live with this “edge of reason” stuff all the time and I always get through it and come out feeling just fine, thanks.

For today I’m going to eat little, drink lots and get some stuff done around the house. There is nothing in life that isn’t made a little better by having a clean and orderly house. Laundry first.

Thanks for listening.

Oh – last thought: there is nothing in life that can’t be made a little worse by eating till you feel sick. Amen and out.

Health and Weight Loss

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Dec 142009

I rarely get sick. My viral history for 2009 was a three day cold in January.

But I get things. Things that require prodding and poking and scanning and sometimes slicing and dicing. And when I get these things I find it hard to think of anything else.

I guess you’ve guessed that I’ve got a thing.

I was great with the GP telling me that I had an ulcer. And fine when she suggested an ultrasound to rule out gallstones.

But the words “cystic” and “lesion” in the same sentence have sent my anxiety levels into the stratosphere. DO NOT GOOGLE THEM. In fact, I haven’t given you enough information to make googling a worthwhile adventure.

Last year I started with – “let’s just have this checked” and was under a general anaesthetic within the month. It seems to be happening again. And it makes Christmas a very stressy time.

So what does this all do to the eating?
Part of me can’t eat because I feel kind of sick.
Part of me wants to stuff down the carbs to quell the anxiety.
Part of me wants to eat a tub of ice-cream to prove that I’m not losing weight as a symptom of a fatal disease.
But all of me really wants to be sane.
Sadly, it being Christmas, and me being all alone in this house until the end of the week, this may not be a possibility. (Thank God for the arrival of the husband on Friday – he knows me.)

My GP is not worried and told me three times in one conversation not to let it spoil my Christmas. She did point out that, if they were really worried, I would have been rushed in on the 2 week plan for people with suspected cancer.

(It’s an extraordinary policy of the UK government and it works – at least in our area. The downside, of course, was the time I got rushed to the breast cancer clinic within 10 days of seeing my GP about one-sided breast pain and I was a messy mess – dead and gone – until the findings came back negative for anything. Again, DO NOT GOOGLE)

So I’m still weighing myself every morning to prove that I’m not wasting away.
I don’t think I’m yellow – but the lighting in this house does give everything an amber hue…….
I only started to itch all over when I read that it’s a symptom of liver cancer and I try not to count symptoms with such timing.

And I’ve tried to ignore the articles that say the worst cases have no symptoms at all. Bother!

I’m going to try to write more this week and worry less. However, you may hear a tiny whisper of anxiety behind everything I say. Or maybe a giant shout. But I need to keep this project going. The one thing I don’t want to do is gain ten pounds out of groundless fear. It just ends up being a pain and a disappointment when I’m all healed up and healthy again. And I should be healed up and healthy but the end of January. Be positive with me!

Change is…good?

Health, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Dec 102009

Today is moving day at my office. My department is moving about 40 miles away, which means a commute where there didn’t used to be one. There are both positive and negative aspects to this. Negative is the time and cost of the commute. We’re talking 90 minutes to 2 hours a day, depending on traffic, and $150-$200 a month, depending on mileage. Positive is a new work atmosphere and spending time with co-workers I previously only got to see at occasional staff meetings, working in the “big city” (Milwaukee) where there are more opportunities for just about everything, and shaking things up a bit. It’s the “shaking things up” part that I’ve been thinking about this morning. The powers-that-be are treating us to pizza today for lunch. Not the kind of pizza that is worth getting sick over (lactose intolerance), or getting fat(ter) over, but crappy, bring-on-the-Imodium, I-think-I’m-gonna-be-sick, chain restaurant (think “hut”…) pizza. I’m not having that. I figure my first day at my new office is a good time to go public as being a non-pizza/non-dessert kind of girl. Then co-workers will be accustomed to the fact that I have different needs when it comes to food–not weight loss needs (people don’t take those seriously), but health needs. That will make it easier to do this.

This means being strong today. If I cave, and eat crappy, makes-me-sick pizza, my health issues will take a back seat to my ability to be swayed when others want someone to “play” with. “Come on, PLEASE go for pizza with me? Pleeeaaassseee?” No. Pizza doesn’t agree with me, even if I take Lactaid. No. Ice cream isn’t worth how awful I’ll feel later. I’m lactoce intolerant. No. I choose to stay away from sweets because I am pre-diabetic. I choose health. I choose to be fit and healthy and vital. I choose to be active and engaged in life, rather than fat and sick.

I wonder if balancing my health needs with being social and friendly will be a challenge? I don’t think it will be too bad. Many of the people at my new office are younger than I am–parents of elementary school or middle school kids. They seem to be healthy, vital, gym-going kinds of people. They will understand. Those that I can picture as trying to persuade me to join them in the “eat-fest” behavior are people I can see being potential binge buddies. I REALLY don’t need to encourage close friendships with people like that. I don’t have any binge buddies right now (except one of my daughters, but that’s a whole other post), and that’s a good thing. I don’t need any!

I continue to work on my attitude. Today’s post is part of that work. It’s not only my feelings about food and exercise that are directing my behavior, but also feelings about the commute I’ll be undertaking. I am feeling resentful that someone other than myself can make a decision that impacts my circumstances in ways that will have a large negative impact on my life (money, time). I am sad because it will cost me so much to keep my job, especially after I have taken on a fairly expensive hobby (motorcycling). I am not willing to give up that hobby, so I will have to work hard to fit it in around the reduced resources. It is important enough to me to make this work. It is also important to be perceived as the kind of employee who is willing to go the extra mile at work. That will (or should) result in increased income. That will help me maintain my hobby more easily. (And after a suitable period of intense practice riding said hobby, I can use it as transportation to work!)

Lots of work to be done here. I’m up to the challenge. I’m strong, smart, capable, and willing to work hard to accomplish ALL my goals, despite the increased challenge in getting to work, and in educating my co-workers in how I need to take care of myself.

Saying Goodbye to Old Favorites

Health 2 Responses »

Nov 182009

That’s what it feels like I’m doing since my blood sugar issue began–saying goodbye. But it’s turning into a much longer goodbye that it ought to be. I really believed that I would take responsibility for my health when the chips (no pun intended) were down. But it’s turning out to be harder than I thought to take care of myself. This needs to be a “pull off the bandaid quickly” kind of thing, not a long drawn out process. How do I make that happen?

Pre-diabetic? That changes things…

Health, Starting Again Again 1 Response »

Nov 022009

After years of damaging my health by using food in the wrong ways, and for the wrong reasons, it has finally almost caught up with me. My blood sugar stepped just over the line into “pre-diabetic.” This is a little scary, but not totally unexpected. Not long ago, my dad heard the same word from his doctor. He immediately gave up sugar and most white carbs, and has embraced his new eating habits with a strength I can only hope I inherited from him along with the tendency toward diabetes. How will I handle it? He always said that regardless of his sweet tooth, he could give up sugar if his health depended on it. And he did. Can I? I can tell you with certainty that I WILL. I have to now. And I have a hunch it won’t be easy. But I’m up to the challenge. After all, I am my father’s daughter!

All this to say that my focus will be on healthy food and clean eating and exercise (workouts as well as normal daily activity) for the sake of my health, which now involves numbers more important than just those on the scale. Yes, the scale is still important as a measure of my success in losing weight–it always WILL be–but there are now other things to consider. Do I want to be a diabetic? No. I don’t even like that I’m officially pre-diabetic. So that has to change. And I have all the tools I need to do that. I’ve always had them, I just didn’t always use them. I used excuses instead.

Now begins the journey where I really see what I am made of. “Sugar and spice and all things nice?” Not anymore. Now it’s “whole grains, produce, & lean protein, spice, and all things strong and determined.” Maybe it doesn’t sound like a nursery rhyme, but this isn’t fun and games anymore. It’s serious. I think it’s been serious all along, but I fooled myself into thinking it was just “how I was.” And how I was has already changed into how I AM. And I AM someone with pre-diabetic blood sugar. Gracie, you know what to do. So do it.

The Teetotal Experience

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Oct 292009

I love wine. Yes I do.

But recently a lot of things have conspired to make me realise that maybe it doesn’t love me back.

Over the years, and especially lately, I’ve tried to quit drinking for all sorts of reasons. I’ve been worried about:

my liver
how often I use wine as a stress-buster
the cost
how much I didn’t want to give it up
calories – I reckon 3 bottles of wine per week add up to the calorie equivalent of 20 pounds of fat per year

But giving up for any of those reasons only lasted as long as the next social function or stressful day or wine offer at the grocery store.

Then, not long ago, it started to make me feel horrible because of an ulcer. I kept trying to find an amount that wouldn’t make me feel so bad and it turns out the amount is zero. I couldn’t even think about a glass of wine without feeling queasy so I quit drinking.

Desperate measures I guess, but it’s been interesting to see what happens to calorie consumption when a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc is replaced by a bottle of Perrier. I’ve also pre-spent the wine budget up till Christmas on a new coat.

The best thing is that there’s no social pressure at all because no one can argue with an ulcer. The next step is to get rid of the ulcer and not re-engage the drinking habit but, until then, I’m enjoying the teetotal life far more than I thought possible.

Rhythm of (Middle) Life

Health, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 282009

I’m sailing on a calm pool this week. The perimenoapausal hormones and accumulated minor anxieties which combined to send me round the bend last week are at a standstill today and I feel like a completely different person.

This is how I know that I have finally made it past the half-way mark in life.

I certainly don’t feel older* and, in the right light, I frequently get mistaken for younger than I am. (Note of thanks to the “Because I’m worth it” people.)

But there’s a new rhythm of life that screams, “You’re middle aged baby - get used to it!”.

The tidal motion of hormones is something I’d better get used to. When I take the time to pay attention to what’s going on with my body and my emotions then I come through the storms pretty much unscathed. But those weeks when I’m already stressed by work and the husband does something which may be just a little annoying and the kids don’t phone – or they do phone and they NEED me – well, that’s when my “crazy head” runs all over the place screaming that the ship is going down – swim for your lives!

Instead, I need to stand still and think. Is this a real life crisis or a hormone wave? If it’s the latter, I need to make myself do the very opposite of what I feel like doing. I need to move. I need to eat well and drink water. I need to laugh.

Of course, I’m saying all this sane stuff while I am happily becalmed on a sunny day. I’ll let you know how it goes next time the big wave hits.

*I was going to say d’une certaine age but the linked article cast some doubt on whether or not I’m quite there – though the French definition is intriguing.

Definitive Waistline – Part 2

Health, Keeping Going No Responses »

Oct 242009

OK – I should have gone to the NHS at the beginning.

Measure your waist

To find your true waist, feel for your hip bone on one side of your body. Move upwards until you can feel the bones of your bottom rib. Halfway between is your waist. For most people this is where their tummy button is. Use a mirror the first time to see what you’re doing, and to make it easier to measure.

For women:

Ideal: less than 80cm (32”).
High: 80cm to 88cm (32” to 35”).
Very high: more than 88cm (35”).

For men:

Ideal: less than 94cm (37”).
High: 94cm to 102cm (37” to 40”).
Very high: more than 102cm (40”).

Now that my clothes are fitting and the scale is slowly moving down, I need motivation to not slack off.

At this weight I fall easily in to “I’m ok” mode. I don’t have any particular need for a perfect body – which is good, a sure sign that I have conquered the compulsive tendencies of my youth! But I also do want to have as little fat inside my body, wrapped around my vital organs as I can possibly maintain. So from now till the end of November I’m going to focus on the tape measure for evidence of improvement.

Newer Entries

Talking It Off

Two Minds

Health and Weight Loss

Change is…good?

Saying Goodbye to Old Favorites

Pre-diabetic? That changes things…

The Teetotal Experience

Rhythm of (Middle) Life

Definitive Waistline – Part 2

Measure your waist

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