One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back.  I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print.  In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.

So what happened to 139, you ask?

Indeed.

So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.

EX V: I want to weight 139lbs

IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.

EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.

IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.

EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.

IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.

And finally,

EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.

IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).

So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.

On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months.  I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!

And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday.  So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.

Was it because I was thinking about binge eating?

Or was it just that the “perfect storm” was approaching and there was nothing I could do about it?

On Saturday, I listed the life ingredients that can cause me to binge.  So why didn’t I mention that I was feeling several of those things, and that I was going to have to negotiate a social event and then 2 days alone?  In other words, why didn’t I admit that the clouds were building and I needed a plan to avoid doing what I was obviously going to do?

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling grumpy and twitchy.  No amount of exercise or healthy food made me feel better.  I kept fast-forwarding through the next couple of weeks and allowing myself to stress about the “to do” list.  I also allowed myself to turn “what I want” into “what I must do”.  That’s not a good mind-set for me.

That night we had friends over and I just wanted to have fun.  Nothing at all in any way wrong with that, but I wasn’t admitting to myself that I couldn’t imagine reigning myself in again.

I woke up the next morning with a bit of a hangover and a weird impatience for the husband to leave on his business trip and let me get on with my work.  Ha! I DID have plans for work but there was that almost-but-not-quite-subconscious alter-ego making plans for what I was going to eat once he was out of the house.

And eat is what I did.  It wasn’t particularily junky food and some of it was even planned.  But it was pretty non-stop and way way too much for any woman of my size and stature. And, of course, there was baking.

This morning, I woke up feeling vaguely ill and it took me a long time to get out of bed to face the day (and myself).

What were my choices?

• I could do it again because I have another day alone, but I’m relieved to say that didn’t appeal at all.
• I could put it behind me and relish the clean slate – zero the journal and act as though today was the first day of the week.

But I wasn’t sure that was quite right either.  I’ve definitely moved on from blowing a whole week/month/year but now I need to move myself along a little further.  It’s GOOD that I’m willing to draw a line under negative eating behaviour and move on.  But it’s better to look back and FACE IT before I wipe it off.

That’s the difference.  I’ve been moving on without looking back, without learning from my rather spectacular crash and burn episodes.  So I went back to my journal and wrote down everything I could remember eating in the past 48 hours.  And I remember a lot – partly because much of it was planned so it was only the significant “extras” that I needed to remember.

The total?

• Sunday: 2600 calories

• Monday: 2500 calories

That’s  interesting because I would have thought I’d eaten much more yesterday.  At least, my mindset was much less healthy while I was eating yesterday so it felt like a binge rather than just eating too much with friends.

An the outcome of this exercise?  Well – basically, the “worst” I can do isn’t all that bad.  My ultimate disaster – the shameful binge – is actually just a couple of days of overeating.  I reset my Nutracheck goal for this week to “maintenance” and all of a sudden it’s all completely retrievable.  I will keep running and walking and eating sensibly and I’ll leave it a couple of days to weigh myself.

But it’s all ok.  It is.

I may have just disarmed the binge. I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks to the weighing every day exercise, I’m now unmoved by the little ups and downs – but a lack of progress these past few weeks has really started to get to me. So I decided to look back at my most successful times of weight loss and do what I did then to get the same results.

What started as a straight-forward quest for information turned into a chance to stand back and see the big picture of these last couple of years.

Jan 2008 – Jul 2010:  The Show So Far

Jan 2nd 2008 – Weigh in heavier than any non-pregnant weight.  170 lbs

Jan, Feb, Mar – work really hard and lose 12ish pounds for a family wedding. (That’s from memory as I only kept my starting weight) 158ish lbs

Apr, May, Jun, Jul – Ditch gym, stop journalling (ie stop trying) and gain back all but 5 pounds. 165 lbs

On July 21st I step on the scale and something changes in me.   I weigh 165 lbs and am fed up, but I’m then galvanised by something Mardee writes over at BCB.

Aug & half of Sep – I lose 9 pounds by working hard and writing about working hard. It’s the first time I can see real change in my attitude towards the process of losing weight.  I’ve looked back at my NutraCheck journals and I was eating 1600 calories a day and counting things like cleaning and shopping as “exercise” – but I lost steadily over those 6 weeks.  Interesting and not sure what to do with that information.  156 lbs

Mid-Sep, Oct, Nov - I rush home to Canada to be with my dad because my mom is taken ill.  I lose a further 6lbs by simply being too busy and anxious and sad.  I’m also never alone in the house, so don’t engage in the usual bingeing behaviour brought on by that sort of stress.  I continue to lose a couple of pounds in November (148 lbs) once it’s decided that I need gynae surgery which leads to…….. 

Dec, Jan 2009 – Yes it’s Christmas and the kids are home and it’s festive – but I’ve also decided that I’ve lost weight so easily these past 5 months because I’m actually dying of cancer.  I start to eat to prove to myself that I can gain weight.  And guess what?  I do!  Up 5 lbs between Christmas celebrations, health insanity and then recuperation time. 153 lbs And then….

Feb - At the end of Jan, just when I’m starting to feel like myself again, my dad dies.  I fly home, go see a brain injured mom every day and sit alone in his empty house for a month – and eat my grief for both of them.  Walking saves me from anything worse than a 3 pound gain but that’s 8 over all and I go home feeling like I’m starting again – only this time I’m sad as well as determined. 156 lbs

Mar, Apr, May, Jun – Go back to Weight Watchers and lose 5 lbs in 4 months.  But I’m at the gym a lot so my body is changing and I’m not frustrated by the slow weight loss.  The net loss for 12 months is 21 pounds.  149 lbs And what a ride.

Jul, Aug, Sep, Oct – Back to Canada for the summer then return to the UK and Weight Watchers.  I’m playing with the same pound or two.  I’m no longer writing, not excited about the old Bootcamp board and in need of a change.  I know that WW isn’t really the answer for me even though I love the people. I am faffing around and going nowhere – so I decide to start this blog.  150 lbs And then…..

Nov – I lose 7 pounds in a month and look great.  I’ve also got chronic stomach issues and am once again flung back into the medical system.  Looking for gall stones, they find “something” on my liver.  Here we go again with the, “It’s been way too easy to lose weight, I’d better eat to make sure I’m not dying” thinking. 143 lbs And guess what?

Dec, Jan 2010 - It’s Christmas!  And I’m eating to prove I’m not dying and I gain weight.  This is not a pattern I expected to see.  It’s very interesting that the two times I’ve been down towards the weight I want to be, I haven’t been well so I bounce away from it as fast as I can. 147 lbs

Feb, Mar & half of April – I sort of try but am pretty caught up in either seeing doctors or worrying about seeing doctors.  I really do lose my mind when my health is out of wack. Lose 3 pounds  – mostly in a couple of weeks where I paid attention. 144 lbs

Apr, May - I’m worried about the fact that I lost weight while feasting over Easter so yet another episode of “eat to prove I’m not dying”.  Then back to Canada to sit alone in a house, not grieving this time but worrying about the thing on my liver. I have this mindset that, if something’s seriously wrong, then why bother with worrying about eating and exercise? I gain 5 pounds in the process. 149 lbs

May - There’s an awful lot of thinking about the weight loss process but not an awful lot of  DOING. I’m tempted to call “failure!” but the fact is that I still didn’t gain significant weight.  And this time, just seeing a couple of pounds up made me recommit to doing something for myself – to getting what I want rather than sitting around talking about what I want.  148 lbs

Jun, Jul  (ie now) I decide to go for what I want and what I want is to weigh in the 130′s – anywhere in the 130′s will do.  I also decide that, if I end up really sick, I want my body to be in the best shape it can be. (I’m still waiting on the official plan of action re: the liver) I’ve been running and feeling stronger and breathing better.  I know that I can get results with the weight loss if I don’t let my social life get in the way. Today I weigh 145 lbs.

And that’s the show so far.  Two and a half years from seeing that 170 on my scales.  Two years from deciding to write about the process of stopping the weight loss/weight gain pendulum.

Have I stopped the pendulum?  Not completely, but the swings are much much smaller than they were two years ago.

• I know that a 25 pound weight loss doesn’t happen on a straight road. Life means curves, switchbacks, deadends and hellish hairpin bends.
• I no longer do “all or nothing”.
• I no longer think in terms of on and off wagons.
• I know (boy do I know) that life just gets in the way sometimes.
• I know that it’s possible to keep going anyway.
• I know that sometimes weight will apparently fall off me – usually when I’m stressed.
• I know that exercise helps me stay emotionally balanced.
• I know that I can do this.

I have every intention of being where I want to be when the calendar ticks over to 2011. God willing. Health willing.

Am I the least bit embarrassed that it could take 3 years to lose 30 lbs?

No! Just incredibly grateful for the chance to sort out issues which have affected my life since childhood. And, when I say “sort out”, that doesn’t mean I have illusions of perfection. It means I know it’s possible to be sane and balanced and content with my body and my eating.

“Peace not perfection”  is the slow weight loss motto.

It was my fourth weigh-in this morning and I appear to have lost a grand total of 2 pounds in 4 weeks. For the first time ever I want to call PLATEAU!

I always lose weight when I put my mind to it, so I have to ask myself, have I put my mind to it in a 1.5 pound per week kind of way?  Or have I been giving it more like a half pound’s worth of my time and attention?

I think a red herring is that I have been exercising more than ever.  Even when I’m not journalling, I’m still going out for a three to five mile run.  That’s a lot for this old bod.  The other distraction is that I’ve blown a day or two but haven’t gone on to ditch the whole week.  I’ve been very quick to get back into a healthy routine. With all this positive stuff going on, even if the eating hasn’t been perfect, it just feels like I should be losing weight.

So the big question is:  How many of the past 28 days have I actually worked as hard as I need to work to lose 1.5 pounds in seven days?

• Week 1 – 5/7  The other 2 days were spent working out of town.

• Week 2 – 5/7  The other 2 days were of the “lost weekend” variety.

• Week 3 – 7/7  Impressive.  I should to see if I lied anywhere!

• Week 4 – 4/7 – but I blogged about that and actually didn’t get out of control on the non-journal days.

And the exercise?

• Week 1 – 10 miles of running, 1 mile of walking

• Week 2 – 10 miles of running, 3 miles of walking

• Week 3 – 12 miles of running, 7 miles of walking

• Week 4 – 14 miles of running, 4 miles of walking

And the weight loss?

• Week 1 – down 1.8

• Week 2 -0  – an in zero just in case that wasn’t clear

• Week 3 – down .6 for what, by all accounts was a perfect week

• Week 4 – up .4 – ok – well I did say I wasn’t going to lose this week.

So what’s the verdict? Is the plateau real or faux?

Eating: I did well with the eating for 21 out of 28 days, seriously over-ate on three days and ate moderately on the other four days.

Moving: The amount of exercise is amazing for me – but I never actually reached my target of burning an extra 1638 calories per week through exercise.  Hmmm I guess as I get smaller and closer to what I want to weigh, I’m just going to have to move that much more.

I’m sorry to say that this is a FAUX PLATEAU and need to work even harder if I want to get this weight off in weeks rather than months.

I’m not discouraged.  But I am determined. Let’s see if I can manage 4 pounds in the next 4 weeks.

Can’t linger…

It’s our anniversary and we’re going out for a wonderful calorie-laden meal tonight.

But I still have that 139 in my head.

But I DO NOT want that number to make me feel cranky.

The Dieter’s Dilemma.

So I’m not going to hang around here – but put on my running shoes and trot out the door for an hour.

And then enjoy every single bite of whatever I fancy.  Possibly butternut squash and goats cheese lasagna followed by crème brûlée. And a large glass of wine.

Oh! But first I need be an old woman for a moment and list a few things that I’ve learned about staying married and in love.  (And learned the hard way over these 26 years, I assure you.)

• Saying please and thank you to each other for little things like making a cup of coffee.
• Saying I Love You without any reason whatsoever.
• Doing little things without thinking “but it’s not my turn….”
• Knowing when to give some space.
• Being physical in little ways and big.  Sometimes sex IS the answer.
• Knowing that hugs are often better than words when things aren’t great.
• Allowing each other to blossom in life – and the blossoming one not leaving the other behind.
• Living as though you’re joined together on a super long lead that you almost never notice.
• Forgiving before it becomes an effort.
• Praying together – it that’s your kind of thing.

On with the day.

The only reason yesterday wasn’t a disaster was that I had exactly the right food in the house and knew what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  The evening was notable for the disastrous football rather than disastrous eating so that’s something.  I did have an extra glass of wine for medicinal purposes.

It seems that I’ve lost 1.8lbs this week.  That’s just a fact – not a reason to do a dance. But it’s the right direction and it reflects my behaviour this week.

**********************************************************************************************************

Little stars mean the start of an unrelated thought.  I wish I had little stars for talking – sometimes the conversational shifts are a little sudden.

One of my favourite things about Nutracheck is that, for a tiny monthly fee, I have permanent storage of my weight loss history for the past 2.5 years.  Sadly, in an effort to create a “clean slate” I wiped out Jan-July 08 – but I know that I lost about 15lbs then put 10 back on.  That gain was the turning point that prompted me to start writing about the process.

Once in a while it’s worth looking at the big picture.

Interruption: Why oh why do I feel guilty for not having to suffer as much as other people?  Or rather, why do I feel I have to apologise for not letting myself become obese?  I should be very proud of myself for stopping and turning and never going back to that high weight even during the most stressful 2 years of my life.  Right. That’s official.  I am genuinely proud of myself for not allowing my weight to get even more out of control than it was.

Interruption over.

The thing I learn most from the chart below is that I have a very very poor memory when it comes to my weight loss journey.  I thought I was going to see that I’ve been below my current weight many times in the past 12 months.  In fact, I’ve been bouncing around the same 5lbs since the end of November – not even seven months.

Is it too painfully obvious to point out that the gains happen during the breaks from journalling and, except for one Christmas/surgery episode, those breaks are when I’m in Canada?  Apparently, I did something right last summer and didn’t gain anything during a 6 week break.  I guess I’d better figure out what it was and do it again.

I truly thought I was stuck in a never-ending battle to lose the last 10 pounds.  Turns out I’m not “stuck”; I just need to pay attention and be committed to maintaining when I take a break from trying to lose weight.

I use the word “just” as though it’s going to be easy. I’d better rephrase….It turns out I’m not stuck; I’m prone to getting lazy when I’m not in losing mode.  So I will continue with the “hard work” even when I weigh exactly what I want to weigh.

And I will stop apologising to imaginary people for doing what I need to do to get what I want.

(And that makes me feel awkward just writing it.)

The sad fact is that habits are what drive our lives for good or bad.  Most of the behaviour that makes me sigh or bang my head against the wall in this food/body struggle is the result of bad habits.

Like what?

• Like looking in the fridge to find the desire to make a phone call.

• Like eating a cracker or two to three so that a paragraph will write itself.

• Like sinking into the sofa to ease my stress.

I hate these behaviours; they always lead me to doing the things I don’t want to do which are to eat when I’m not hungry and avoid moving altogether.  But I have to own up to the fact that I’m solely responsible for their existence in my life.

Surprisingly, I”m not actually writing this to just whine about how I wish I could change.  I’ve actually made some steps towards replacing those habits with something more sane and healthy.

• Even though I love working in our bright and airy dining/kitchen, I’ve moved my computer back up to my cupboard sized office so crackers and fridges aren’t quite so handy.
• I’ve decided that I may not be running any time soon but I can go for a walk at any pace I choose and it’s still better than lying on the sofa with a glass of wine. I’m three for three (walks for days) since I made that decision.

And that last sentence reminds me that part of the reason I lose the will to fight is that I let myself fall into the habit of thinking that this has to be all or nothing – and nothing always wins.

• By choosing the above, I’ve chosen the habit of thinking that something is always better than nothing.

So here’s to days of more and more “something”.

Oh yeah  – 2 pounds have miraculously fallen off during this process.

OP

On Programme

On Plan

When I want to lose weight, I stick to a plan.

Except, of course, when I want to lose weight but can’t quite get up the guts to stick to a plan.  It’s not that I don’t make a plan.

Here’s the plan now!

• measure portions
• write down everything I eat
• eat around 1400 calories and less than 50g fat  – Nutracheck calculates – I’m not that crazy.
• move every day to the tune of around 200 calories

If I do this, I lose weight.

So what’s stopping me?  God, (and this is a prayer, not a name in vain moment), please show me what’s stopping me.

People with no food/body issues will look at the “plan” and figure that the problem is obviously that people aren’t meant to measure and weigh and write down everything they eat. I get that.  But I also get that it’s the right thing for me when I need restraint in my food life.

I can usually keep weight off without doing that stuff but I sure can’t lose weight without those little disciplines.  And they are little.  I don’t have to think about food all day long; I just have to be honest, on paper, about what I’m consuming.  The food scale and measuring cups are right there under the kitchen counter.  It’s not really an inconvenicne to get back into that habit. And all I have to do is type the results into my laptop or Blackberry.  Again, what’s the hassle?

HABITS.  That’s what this is all about.

So starting today,  I’m going to add the habit of checking my portions and recording them in my food journal – not because I’m obsessed – but because it’s the best tool for losing weight.

I will do this until I’ve lost the 5lbs that I gained over the past few months.

Sorry for the boring blogging but it’s all I’ve got till I start taking care of myself again.

I have become the blogger I hate.

It is tempting, day after day, to whinge on about needing “to get back in the game”.

So now, as my mother would say, it’s time to pee or get off the pot.

I wrote that this morning then closed it up and thought about how unhappy I was feeling.  It’s not all bad: part of me is singing in the sunshine but part of me is wanting to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep.

Then my new Blackberry arrived by courier so at least I could put my “to do” list off by a couple of hours while I sorted our the new toy. (not thrilled with the dinkiness of it but it’s got some nice features to make up for that)

Then I figured I’d make this the day to move a little.  Exercising is like drinking instead of eating.  Everyone always says to have a glass of water when you think you want to snack because you’re probably really just thristy.  I have chosen, for no good reason at all, to ignore that advice even though it is most like true.

I have also chosen, by and large, to ignore the advice that exercise improves one’s mood – even though I know this to be true from experience.  But today I decided I needed every little endorphin I could get my brains on so I put on the “cloak of invisibility” and headed out into the sunshine.

I’m not sure I feel better but I certainly don’t feel worse which has to be a good thing and I felt really good while I was actually walking.  I’m not sure why I’m so exhausted now though.

Anyway – I did some of what I set out to do today.  I “took care of myself” not by being lazy and fat but by moving and eating carefully.  A good first step on the road I wish to travel.

I do.  I blame Lycra.

A pair of jeans with a bit of Lycra can accommodate five extra pounds without cutting or grabbing.  Some might think this is a good thing but it does no favours for those of us who are prone to five pound gains which turn into ten, fifiteen, twenty pound gains.

Aside: Does that remind anyone else of School House Rock? Not the weight gain obviously, but the counting by 5′s song?

Anyway – I guess this all takes me back to the fact that I don’t have an objective view of my body shape and size or I might notice a five pound weight gain even if my clothes are still comfortable.  Or is that wrong?  Surely a tightening waistband has always been the first sign of putting on a few pounds!  And now we’ve lost that small but important tool.  It takes at least 10 pounds before my clothes don’t fit.

So it’s back to the mirror, the tape measure and the scales to keep this weight in control.

Just writing that makes me feel exhausted.  I’m exhausted by my own inability to take care of myself.  I’ve had SO much stress these past six months that I have lost all enthusiasm for this process.  But I haven’t lost the determination to never be fat again.  I’m still a healthy BMI and I plan to stay that way.

So there’s no option unless someone somewhere cares to let me in on a previously undisclosed miracle for keeping off weight that doesn’t include balancing calories consumed with calories expended.

Anyone?

I didn’t think so.

Back to the journal I go.  Where I will honestly and consistently write down what I’m eating until someone comes up with something better.

Post Script Thought:  My belts are all a bit big now.  If the waistband isn’t going to tell me about five pounds, I guess I should buy a couple of belts that will keep me informed.  Hmmmmm – after next payday.