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Apr 272010

I’m sagging a little beneath the weight of the crises of the people around me. What I thought was going to be some time “away” has turned into time “sharing the burden” with the nearest and the dearest.

And for me, a melt-down once removed is still a melt-down.

However – the day following the shared melt-down was lovely and I found myself making decisions about what was going into my mouth rather than being caught in the stuff/regret cycle.

Went out for a late breakfast on Sunday and actually paid attention when told that the portions were huge and got only a half order of Eggs Flo-Benedict: one egg, one English muffin, piles of spinach, a sprinkling of feta and hollandaise on the side. Chuck on some non-greasy home fries and a couple mugs of coffee and I was ready for the rest of the day. I even left some potatoes.

If I’d had the whole portion, I probably would have eaten all the potatoes because, well, what the hell, eh?

Then we walked – strolled really – but used our feet to cover a a few miles, mooch at the market, drift in and out of art studios, pottery studios, paper studios and, of course, the hat store where the daughter has been trying on hats since she could whine and point. Fun.

It felt good to take that baby step. I’ve also managed to get back into my “no food on the ferry” routine. There are cheap refined carbs at every turn in this place and it’s hard to always pass them by buy I don’t think I have a choice any longer.

Then, just when I was talking myself into the best pizza on earth, I found myself turning into the grocery store. Tired and hungry I headed straight for the candied salmon – a locally produced delicacy – and, for the first time read the nutritional information. Four pieces have 180 calories. I eat at least 12 pieces when I have it. Maybe not the best choice. Instead, I got some other locally smoked salmon for half the calories and a third the price and had a smoked salmon salad feast with a couple of new potatoes. Lovely.

And the last baby step: I bought no wine.

And on that note, I’d better run.

Hello?

Keeping Going 2 Responses »

Apr 212010

Well that was a bit more of a break than I intended to take.

And I gained 4lbs in the process. Doesn’t that happen easily?
I’m on the other side of the ocean now and I always find it hard to find a healthy rhythm of life out here. A little bit of that has to do with my schedule but most of it has to do with the fact that I’m all alone and can do what I damn well please.

So what can’t I control?

the fact that I have to visit my mom between 11 and 2 pm – which means that I have to eat breakfast late enough to stave off hunger or fall victim to the “I’d better have a cookie so I don’t faint” lie.
the price of good healthy food
the poor quality of produce at this time of year.

What can I control?

How much I walk
What I do with my morning up until 11 am
The planning of my meals
The cooking of my meals
Whether or not I buy wine
And everything else

No excuses at all except the whiny, poor me ones.

SO. On that note, I’ve booked a session with a personal trainer in the city this week. I figure I’d rather have one on this side because it’s where my exercise routine seems to fall apart. I talked to her on the phone last night and am now really looking forward to my assessment on Friday.

The other thing that has helped get me re-motivated has been catching up on X-Weighted – particularly the family series. It has been a surprising way for me to deal with some of the feelings I’ve had all my life about being an overweight child and teen. There are such lovely, articulate and hurting kids and such loving parents who are feeling quite lost about discovering their roles in the whole issue. Great viewing – and not just voyeuristic crap – but an opportunity for education and inspiration.

So that’s where I’m up to on this journey. I need I’m going to plan some meals and make a shopping list now. The Boy is coming up later and I want to have a good meal planned and in the fridge before he gets here so there’s no wavering.

Is this a stupid idea?

Giving up, Keeping Going, Things to try 2 Responses »

Apr 112010

Maybe it’s a sign of my desperation but I’m seriously considering attending a weight loss hypnosis seminar tomorrow. I’m struggling so badly with a lack of motivation and I need something to help me. I have tried rehearsing things in my head, reading motivational stories, I have the house food clean as much as possible etc. None of them are ‘taking’. If it’s not in the house I go out and get it. I’m binging on and off, pretty much whenever I get derailed and I’m getting derailed regularly. I don’t want to change from the Weight Watcher plan because I know it works and it’s practical for everyday life. I just need help on keeping me following it. I know that the meetings aren’t enough to work for me, so going back to meetings won’t help.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just throwing my money away. On the other hand, I quit smoking by using accupuncture, so I’m open to alternative therapies. I’ve done some ‘googling’ but of course there doesn’t seem to be any real consensus as to whether it works or not. I guess if it puts me into the frame of mind where I want to exercise and where I want to eliminate the starchy/sugar based foods then it might be worth the gamble.

Waiting for the Start

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 292010

That’s the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I know there is only a tiny chance that I will get bad news at my appointment on Thursday – and yet I feel as though I’m walking towards a starting line and that things are going to be different on the other side.

The overall effect has been the need for super-strength willpower to avoid eating as though “rules don’t apply” this side of the line.

Happily, the husband is coming home from his week away and I’m going to ask him to help me with the willpower thing. He mentioned on the phone how much he’d like to be back in shape and we’re quite a team when we both decide to have the same goal.

One of the results of this “on the other side” phase of my life is that I’ve made several resolutions for when I get past that line and most of them are based on the promise to myself to be more assertive and less concerned that people like me. Among other things, I plan to:

get rid of about 100 or so facebook “friends” – people with whom I have little past or present.
get more proactive in my business and conquer my fear of appearing too demanding. First goal is to draw a line under a proposal that has been stalled for too long. It’s time to move on.
make a practical plan for pursuing dreams NOW and not when we have more money. It’s time for change and time for living.

There are more but those are the ones I keep coming back to. Interesting that nowhere do I mention body/food sanity. That’s because that goal is in process and will continue.

Off to work.

Restoration Project Begins

Keeping Going, Starting Again Again No Responses »

Mar 272010

Back to the classic muscle car analogy, because I like it. If I was really restoring a classic car, I’d have to know how to wrench on it. That means instructions, which means my WW materials. And supplies, tools. That means the right groceries, measuring tools, kitchen gadgets, etc. And a way to know how much progress I’ve made. I can use my eyes, as I would with the car. I can also use the scale, and the fit of my clothes. I also need the right frame of mind. If I don’t have that, how will I handle the bumps and hiccups during the long process? Not very well. Tools might be thrown, there might be some bad language (Might? Try “will!”) occasionally. I need to be ready for whatever comes my way during this project.

Another helpful thing to have is plenty of time to work on the project. This is not something that’s going to come together in just a few minutes a day. I’ll need far more time than that to get things restored to their original beauty. So forget the days of working on the fly. Plan to spend enough time to do the job right. Lube the moving parts with exercise. Feed the engine and the computer with the right gas & oil, and enough rest. And once the original beauty has been restored, it will be very important (VERY!!) to keep it that way. This will be hard work as well, so no giving up, EVER.

When Indeed….

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 212010

Donna wrote this the other day and I’ve been saving it for a post:

We have such a strange relationship with food. We know that we can eat quite large amounts of ‘good food’ (veggies, fruits etc) and we can also eat small amounts of ‘bad food’ (chocolate, fast food, wine). Instead of being content with that, we throw a temper tantrum because we want to do the reverse, i.e. eat small amounts of the good food while consuming large amounts of the bad food, and then we’re surprised when we gain weight. Please note that when I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’. When am I going to make peace with reality and stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed just because I want them to?

Can I ask that one again in two parts?

When am I going to make peace with reality?
When am I going to stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed?

Making peace with reality:

Over the past couple of years I’ve made peace with a couple of food/body realities:

My shape is my shape and nothing is going to change that. And it’s not a bad one. As the husband says, “No matter how much you weigh, you HAVE a shape and that’s good.”

Clothes are not going to automatically look good despite a smaller body. I no longer dream of wearing things that aren’t naturally going to suit my body shape. And that’s ok.

The “when I’m thin” fantasies of old are just that. I’ve got a thinner 48 year old body – not the thinner 21 year old body that I somehow used to see when I thought about the future me. I’m making peace with my belly because, though smaller, it’s here to stay.

My personality is such that I don’t always take the straightest, shortest route on any journey and that includes the one to food/body sanity. I’m ok with lots of detours and a longer than necessary journey – though I am getting a bit fed up now that I’m down to the last few pounds and I seem to be rolling backwards.

I simply can’t sustain enthusiasm for any length of time but that doesn’t mean I have to be fat and out of shape. I’m tend to live a feast or famine life – with spurts of energy for things like cooking and exercise. I just need to make sure that boring daily life involves getting off the sofa and filling my body with healthy food – even if it’s all done a bit lazily sometimes. There will always come a time when I want to run again.

Well – more peace in this life than I thought!

And what about wanting to change the laws of nature? Donna really pin-pointed an issue for me. It’s not an everyday thing but it certainly affects me when I’m feeling stressed about the unknown. No matter how many other things I seem to have got to grips with, when I want to relieve stress, I think about feeling full. And I don’t stop to think about all the possible foods that could have that effect. I instantly think of carbs and fat – rice and butter, bread and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, oats/ sugar/butter in any combination.

I don’t think of a large salad with a tin of tuna and some balsamic dressing. That would be filling and good and healthy but my dysfunctional brain can’t imagine it having the same comforting effect as oatmeal cookies or flapjack.

And when I’m feeling that no other food will do, I am completely oblivious to the laws of nature that state that, if I want to lose weight, I need to compensate for those calories somehow. Maybe even thinking about that would somehow take away the soothing effect of the food. It would break into that (very) temporary state of peace and ruin the whole point of the exercise.

To be honest, my inner stress eater scoffs at those people who suggest that a bath or a walk is as effective as food for stress relief even though I know it to be absolutely true. A bubble bath with a magazine is a major de-stresser. A run on a spring day has a huge mood improving effect. But I still want cheese and crackers. And I still want to lose weight.

And so I keep thinking and writing and making daily/hourly/minutely decisions about how this process is going to go.

All advice welcome- though most of it will probably be ignored because I seem to need to learn the hard way.

Stress and Hunger 2

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Mar 172010

Here’s what happened yesterday:

I’m going to try to update this throughout the day.

Things that are stressing me:

planning a workshop in a vacuum – ie don’t know how many people or what they already know

need to call the bank – no reason at all that this should be stressful but it is

need to chase up a hospital appointment that I have already called about twice. I hate being a pest. I hate sounding like I think I should be treated any differently than anyone else – but I also need to plan my next three months.

It took ages to get dressed, help the husband with some i.t. stuff, eat breakfast and face the BLANK PAGE that will be a superb one hour workshop.

10 – hungry – porridge, blueberries, yogourt

10:30 – call bank and cancel gym direct debit. I am now a runner rather than a rower. Better make the most of this weather

10:45 – a little hungry (why?) and a lot stressed – Make a mug of tea, move laptop into sunny kitchen, open French doors and breathe.

11:20 – suck it up and call hospital. She hasn’t had a response to her email. WE ALL KNOW THAT NO ONE RESPONDS TO EMAILS! (I did not yell this – I was very polite and very calm) “Oh yes”, she replies, “You’re the lady who wants to go on holiday.” IF IT WAS A HOLIDAY I’D CHANGE IT! ( I did not yell that either – I said it with a smile in my voice in a vain attempt to elicit sympathy.) I think she’s emailing again with a ! and we all know how ignorable those are. I don’t hold out much hope. I still gushed my thanks for all her help even though I now feel like crying.

SO still stressed. But not eating. The cracker container is still closed. I might have a banana.

11:30 very small banana

12:25 – got tired of waiting for squash to roast – 2 crackers with tiny weeny bit of butter.

12:45 – roast butternut squash

12:55 – not hungry but not full – 2 more crackers

Light Bulb Moment! I’m not craving carbs but FAT. Hence the butter on the crackers or peanut butter. OK so I’m craving fat but I don’t actually want to eat any more fat. What am I going to do?

I’m going to have another mug of tea and get on with my work.

2:00 Have worked a whole hour and not thought about food. Still not hungry but antsy. I would like to have a reason to go out for a walk. Perhaps I will invent a reason.

2:30 Sociable cup of coffee with the husband – now bit wired.

3:30 off to find food for dinner. I’m thinking roast chicken. We’ve got little potatoes and carrots.

Tuesday Morning

So I did go off to buy groceries but stopped by a clothes store first to do some therapeutic trying on. My bottom half can wear skinny. My top half cannot. Oh well.

Got home around 5 and…….fatal error- poured a glass of wine.

The food for the evening was ok but I’m noticing a very important dynamic in my family. When both the husband and I are stressed, no one has the drive and discipline to make sure that we’re eating very well. When we’re both on form, we plan, shop, prepare and clean up with energy and ease. When we’re both stressed, we open a can of corn and call it “vegetable”. We drink more than half a bottle of wine between us and the dishes are often sitting by the sink at bedtime. Instead of him dragging me off for a walk, we both watch the most ridiculous television that we both hate.

Reminder: All of these things are choices. What am I going to choose today?

One of Those Weeks

Keeping Going No Responses »

Mar 152010

It’s going to be one of those weeks. It’s only mid-day on Monday and here’s what’s going on:

hormone waves (don’t expect calm and collected at the moment)
carb cravings (don’t buy any more bread please, thank you)
just a wee bit cranky (should probably not call a customer service department this week)
still fighting a sore throat – week 3 of a virus and very very tired. (just as well – won’t be interacting with other humans much)

Oh – and I have to deliver a workshop on Friday and am feeling alarmingly cavalier about the whole thing.

So – how is this all going to affect my last little weight loss effort?

If I repeat what I have eaten in the three and a half hours since I woke this morning, I am going to gain weight – lots of it, no question.

So I’ll ask a different question – What am I going to do to make sure that I don’t gain weight between now and when hormone balance is restored?

Writing this is my first step. I was sitting here playing my 12th game of spider solitaire planning my workshop and was seriously considering just saying that I was going to be away from my laptop for a week. It would be easy to disappear and eat baked goods. And pizza.

Instead I’m here – not entirely sure what’s next – but genuinely wanting it to be positive.

Sorry this is so unbearably boring. I will shake things up when I have the energy.

More on Slow Weight Loss

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Mar 062010

One of the bonuses of taking so long to lose weight is that I’ve got used to eating less. In the past, I’ve dieted to a certain point and never given myself time to adjust to the idea that maintenance happens as long as you continue to eat less than you did at your higher weight. This time, stuffing my face daily is a distant memory.

Obviously, weight loss and maintenance depend on finding the right balance between calories in, and calories burned. I find that I like the freedom that Nutracheck allows you to either eat less, exercise more, or choose to lose less each week – as long as you eat a minimum of 1400 calories per day.

When I first signed up, I weighed 170lbs and could lose 1.5lbs per week eating 1400 calories and exercising 200 calories per day.

I’m now 27lbs lighter and almost 2 years older so can only expect a pound a week with the same calories consumed and burnt. And, frankly, I’m happy with half a pound per week.

You can play with figures here.

When I actually get to 139, then I can only expect to eat 1850 calories per day and that assumes that I’m burning an extra 200 calories a day in activities. If I’m not exercising conscientiously then I should only eat about 200 more calories than I right now in “losing mode”. I need to get that firmly implanted in my psyche!

Moving daily

Eating well but not abundantly

That’s going to be the story of the rest of my slimmed down life.

I had one of those “non-scale victories” today. I had a quick trip out despite my croaky throat to take a friend to Costco. They’ve got some nice, cheap denim skirts which, of course, you can’t try on. I looked at the 14 (US 10) but it looked too big. So I grabbed a 12 (US with the words, “It’s probably too small but I can always bring it back.”

Well it’s a bit too big – not baggy, but loose in the waist – which is where most skirts are too tight.

I wonder what the next few weeks will bring.

Fight depression? Or wallow in it?

Giving up, Keeping Going 5 Responses »

Feb 282010

Written January 25, 2010: There is no doubt in my mind–my depressed mind–that sometimes there is nothing more delicious and luxurious than wallowing in depression. Give in to it! Curl up under a “blankie” and do nothing but watch TV, play on the computer, read, and eat, all day long. Call it a mental health day, if you will. Sometimes that makes it easier to pick up and carry on. Sometimes. Then there are the days that go WAY past the kind of depression you can “treat” with a mental health day. It’s dark. The sun doesn’t shine because it’s probably winter. And even if it did shine, you’ve spent every minute of that time at work and unable to spend any time in it. Dark when you leave for work and dark when you get home. And not only is it dark outside, but it’s dark inside too. Inside my head. Inside my heart. Inside my soul. Giving in to that kind of depression is dangerous. We’re not talking wallowing on the couch for a day here, either. The only thing to do with that kind of depression is to FIGHT. Fight for your life. Fight for your health. Fight for your right to turn the figurative lights back on, even if the sun isn’t coming out any time soon. Because the alternative is to hide until spring. And that’s not helping anything. So fight!

Fight it how? For me, it means calling on my buddies from BCB. They never let me down. They helped me forulate a plan to deal with the dark cloud following me around. They gave me the encouragement to fight my way out of this one more time. Why does it get so bad sometimes? The depression and lack of sun make everything else worse. And current job difficulties make me want to eat my way through the bakery, snack, and ice cream aisles of the grocery store. And because I don’t give in to that urge as much or as often as part of me would like to, the monster won’t be soothed.

I’m not sure what all this means for me right now. I suffer from depression. I have all my adult life. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, but it’s always there. And sometimes I need to fight it for all I’m worth. It’s inter-twined with my eating and food choices, and with my activity level. And when those things are not working properly, neither am I.

I have to know when it’s ok to wallow. And when it’s not ok, I have to fight like hell to stay in the game. That is the only way to get where I want to go!

Edited on February 28, 2010: I was just thinking about how depression has taken over my life. It seems to inhabit every corner of it these days. I came here to work out some things by blogging, and had completely forgotten that this draft was sitting here. I re-read it, and can see that it really has taken over my life lately. And looking back, I can see that during some of the worst moments of my life, I was wrapped in a layer of it. The more I think about it, the more I see that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with the pieces of my life, but I’m living that life through the lens of depression. My marriage could have turned out differently. I might not have quit my last job if it wasn’t for the depression haze. All kinds of things…

The circumstances of my new job are kinda sucky lately. The depression makes me want to just quit. Never mind that I’m single and only just barely supporting myself. I want OUT. I could make it work more easily if it wasn’t looking so bleak because of where my head is at. But there I am, just wishing I didn’t have to go to work. I joked with my mom earlier that I’d rather have two days off for a colonoscopy than go to work. Now there’s something really wrong with that… Just increased the Prozac, so we’ll give it a week or two. Then it’s time to call the doctor again if it doesn’t help. I’m SO tired of losing big chunks of my life to this beast–not to mention what it does to my weight and self-esteem.

I guess I’m in wallow mode right now. I’m sick with whatever crap is going around, and that’s left me without any fight. But I’m afraid if I give in and stay in bed, it will cost me my job. So I have to find whatever “oomph” I have left, and make it work for me.

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Talking It Off

Back to Baby Steps

Hello?

Is this a stupid idea?

Waiting for the Start

Restoration Project Begins

When Indeed….

Stress and Hunger 2

One of Those Weeks

More on Slow Weight Loss

Fight depression? Or wallow in it?

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