Talking It Off

I’ve been thinking about this for days but Gracie’s post from yesterday has helped me get it into words.

In order to get weight off and keep it off, I need an element of enthusiasm for some aspect of the process but, over 30 years of dieting, something has happened to mine.

Basically I see enthusiasm as running along a continuum from Crippling Ennui to Dangerous Euphoria.

I’ll start with Euphoria – the degree of enthusiasm I fear the most.

It’s the dark side of enthusiasm which involves an addictive personality.  It causes things in life to become the sole focus – taking up way more energy and time than they should. It can be work or love or dieting or exercise.  In my experience it always leads to great failure and deep despair.

I sometimes crave the buzz and wish I could do a happy dance when I lose weight but I simply won’t let myself.  I refuse to be motivated by the feelings that losing weight and exercising give me.  When that’s my motivation, I end up cranky when life gets in the way of a diet plan or a run.  And it doesn’t take long for me to realise that I can’t sustain the degree of commitment required to get the same hit of euphoria.  The quest for euphoria is too exhausting and too short-term.

Euphoria is the unhealthy by-product of plain old Enthusiasm.  I like enthusiasm when it’s attached to action – but it’s rare to find enthusiasm that isn’t all talk.

Hmmmm – even as I write this I find that my cynical self is saying, “No you don’t. You hate enthusiasm in all its guises.” OK, it’s true, I hate enthusiasm – but I do know that this a weakness on my part.  I’m sometimes jealous of enthusiastic people – I covet their energy but my inner dialogue usually involves mutterances of the “just you wait” variety.

It’s this lack of love for enthusiasm that makes WW meetings hard to bear.  I really don’t want to clap for the obese woman who lost 8 pounds in her first week.  I’m not being petty and jealous; I just don’t want her to get her hopes up.

Hmmm again-  I understand that, no matter what positive thing is happening in my life, I see a shadow lurking around the corner.  In all honesty, life itself has taught me to think like that but, even so, it’s something I would do better without.  Perhaps I should embrace enthusiasm a little more. Just a bit.  Clap a little harder.  Mutter a little less. Let me think about it.

Sorry- nope – not going to happen…..just thinking about that makes me feel earnest and that would be deadly. Sorry. No.

Now I’m going to skip to the other end where Boredom meets Ennui.

Ennui is the flip-side of Euphoria.  If Euphoria is the dangerous daughter of Enthusiasm then Ennui is Boredom’s toxic son.  It goes beyond a lack of desire to do something positive and lands at a lack of desire to do anything at all which, for me, is depression.  I do everything in my power to avoid this extreme even if it means not losing weight while I get sorted.   When I say I fear Euphoria, it’s because this is what it leads to.

Good old fashioned Boredom, however, is just the standard place where many of us find ourselves after a lifetime of dieting.  We know the drill. We know what’s going to happen in weeks 1 and 2.  We know how many weeks in the gym it’s going to take to feel fitter.  We know which belt hole goes with which number on the scale.  Boredom is only a very bad thing when the thought of it prevents us from doing what we need to do.  I’m kind of there right now.  I need to get past that, shake up my routine a little and just do what needs to be done because I know that putting one foot in front of the other will take me to where I want to be.

So where do I want to be?  I’m going to call it Reality.  This is the stage where I can do what I need to do and truly enjoy the small rewards of eating well and liking what I see in the mirror.  It also involves accepting my flaws and celebrating my real self in the context of my whole life – not just a weight loss routine.

More introspection……  I’m the child of a man who loved us all deeply but couldn’t say it.  He didn’t know how to frame the words, “I’m proud of you”, whether we’d achieved a little or a lot.  I’m happy to report that the last words he ever said to me were out of pride and gratitude and I’m incredibly thankful that at the very end of his life he found a way to say it – out loud, in front of others.

However, the 48 years leading up to that moment involved some pretty hard work trying to get approval where none was forthcoming and that leaves its mark. At some point in my adult life I decided that I could no longer spend my days looking for affirmation.  I don’t remember it happening, but I find myself, today, not nearly so motivated by what people might say about me if I accomplish something.  I write because there are an awful lot of words that I need to express.  I work because I’ve got something to offer.  I have friendships with people who bounce back love and laughter and caring.

That doesn’t mean I reject positive comments.   I like to be affirmed.  No, I love to be affirmed.  But I don’t let the possibility of a compliment be the reason for getting out of bed in the morning.  Usually.

So that’s where I want to be: feet on the ground, success in small steps, encouragement without euphoria. I want to celebrate real success.  When I’ve been at my chosen weight for a whole year – that’s when you’ll hear the celebrations.  I might even allow myself a touch of euphoria.  And a small happy dance. Then I’ll get on with year two.