Talking It Off

So the meandering didn’t go so well.  Did I think it would?  Sadly, yes I did.  I thought I was at a point where I could just take off those training wheels and fly.  Of course, I also took my hands off the handlebars and then stuck a blindfold on just to make it more of an adventure and – well you know where that gets you.

So here I am a full 8 pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of June.

The good news is that it’s 8 pounds and not 20.

Last week, driving with the husband, I stated the following:

Please remember this moment.  I’m stating now that I’m uncomfortable in my skin.  Whatever the scales say tomorrow will be the new weight at which I know I have to do something.

The scales said 153 which is actually very good news as it’s a huge improvement over where I was three and a half years ago.  In December 08, I thought I’d reached my “uncomfortable limit” but I actually weighed 170.

So what’s the plan?

Weight Watchers?  nope

17 Day Diet? NO!!!!!!!

Nutracheck?  Yep.  Back to the sanest way I know of keeping track of calories.

And what about exercise?

Tomorrow I’ll get out for a good walk and maybe even jog a little. (Today the jet lag is still pretty intense and I can’t face anything more than a stroll.)

And I’m finally going to bring on my weapon of last resort: muscles.

I know I should be working harder to build a leaner and more efficient body and this time I’m going to do it and I’m enlisting the help of a personal trainer.  Stay tuned. I intend to feel great in my skin come Christmas.

My apologies to the friend of a friend on Facebook who used that phrase. I stole it because it FITS. Actually, this is not a surprise. It fits every January. Holidays are over and decorations are down. This makes me very sad (as if I need that in January). Apparently, I’m self-medicating with food and shopping. But also just as apparent, I’m fighting it. I’ve been making an effort to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes a day. I’ve not been successful every day, but I was successful TODAY–t hat means a better mood, a better attitude, for today. And that, in turn, means better eating.

Once again, I find myself needing to start over. I can do it. I’ve done it often. Instead of feeling like “here we go again,” I can feel hopeful. If I keep starting over, I must have a great desire to succeed, and that will help foster success. I must remind myself that no matter how bad it feels, the gloominess is not permanent, it is a bad case of January. But there are good things in January too, and I have to remember those.

What does January mean? It means cold, dark, snow, depression, the desire to sleep all day, withdrawal from the outside world, isolation, and loneliness. But it can also mean sun, endurance, the will to succeed, and a new start. Hope. I’m not inclined to leave the house this weekend. It’s cold and snowy, and a good time to be inside. On the other hand, the sun is shining, and what better cure for January?

I suppose people might wonder where that title came from. I started thinking it was time to “Grab the bull by the horns” with regard to my many weight, health, and exercise issues. That, in turn, led to a mental picture of that bull stomping around a china shop. And from there, the horse you can’t force to drink, swapped for a bull because that’s where I started. So I’m the bull (in case you were wondering) in this little vignette. The china shop represents all of the zillions of things I’ve spent 100′s of gazillions of dollars on to help with weight loss. I have a top-rated, very expensive treadmill that doesn’t get used enough, more than many exercise DVDs, dumbbells, barbell w/ plate weights, Wii w/ Wii Fit, Wii Fit Plus, and several other workout related Wii games, three different steps to go with the step aerobic workouts, risers to be able to use the step as a weight bench, and have also bought and given away or sold more pieces of exercise equipment than I’d need to open my own store! On top of this, the countless dollars paid to weight loss businesses, predominantly Weight Watchers, but also Jenny Craig and a host of others. And let’s not forget the hundreds of diet books, cookbooks, kitchen gadgets, and other things, all purchased to facilitate my weight loss. And what have I lost? Nothing? Oh, no–I’ve lost money–a lot of it, and thousand of pounds, over and over and over and over, and gained them back each and every time. Does anybody see a problem here??? I know I do. If I had those dollars back for all the things I failed at, gave away, sold, and quit–including all the money paid to Weight Watchers over the years of joining, quitting, and joining again, only to quit–AGAIN, I’d be putting in for retirement! Instead, I’m as heavy as ever, broke, and very unhappy. That has GOT to change. It’s time to actually drink–unlike the stubborn fool in the title of this post.

So what to do? That’s what I’m going to figure out. What works? What doesn’t? (To be honest, I already have a really good idea of what doesn’t!) How do I get motivated, stay motivated, and keep the process moving forward? Why is this important. Is it important? Sometimes I wonder how important it really is to me. I want (I think…), more than anything, to be a size 12. I don’t aspire to be a size 6. That’ll never happen, unless I have my hip bones shaved down by a few inches. Not gonna happen. I just want to be able to wear all the kick-ass jeans I have, and I want to be healthy doing it. I want to be able to pick up my motorcycle if it hits the ground. I want to be noticed as “that woman on the motorcycle” NOT as “that FAT woman on the motorcycle.” So I have goals. Now to head toward them. If it truly is important, then it’s time to make it happen.