I’ve made hundreds of “plans” before to get my eating and my spending under control. Why didn’t they work? Because they were plans, not commitments. A plan isn’t worth much if there’s nothing behind it! So that’s what I need to do–have a plan, and COMMIT to it. Sounds simple, but is it? I think not. It does need to be done though. The plan needs to be more specific than usual, to cover the loopholes I usually find to get out of them. And it needs to have me fully on board. Today seems like a fitting day to begin facing this, so Day 1, here we come.

The sad fact is that habits are what drive our lives for good or bad.  Most of the behaviour that makes me sigh or bang my head against the wall in this food/body struggle is the result of bad habits.

Like what?

• Like looking in the fridge to find the desire to make a phone call.

• Like eating a cracker or two to three so that a paragraph will write itself.

• Like sinking into the sofa to ease my stress.

I hate these behaviours; they always lead me to doing the things I don’t want to do which are to eat when I’m not hungry and avoid moving altogether.  But I have to own up to the fact that I’m solely responsible for their existence in my life.

Surprisingly, I”m not actually writing this to just whine about how I wish I could change.  I’ve actually made some steps towards replacing those habits with something more sane and healthy.

• Even though I love working in our bright and airy dining/kitchen, I’ve moved my computer back up to my cupboard sized office so crackers and fridges aren’t quite so handy.
• I’ve decided that I may not be running any time soon but I can go for a walk at any pace I choose and it’s still better than lying on the sofa with a glass of wine. I’m three for three (walks for days) since I made that decision.

And that last sentence reminds me that part of the reason I lose the will to fight is that I let myself fall into the habit of thinking that this has to be all or nothing – and nothing always wins.

• By choosing the above, I’ve chosen the habit of thinking that something is always better than nothing.

So here’s to days of more and more “something”.

Oh yeah  – 2 pounds have miraculously fallen off during this process.

OP

On Programme

On Plan

When I want to lose weight, I stick to a plan.

Except, of course, when I want to lose weight but can’t quite get up the guts to stick to a plan.  It’s not that I don’t make a plan.

Here’s the plan now!

• measure portions
• write down everything I eat
• eat around 1400 calories and less than 50g fat  – Nutracheck calculates – I’m not that crazy.
• move every day to the tune of around 200 calories

If I do this, I lose weight.

So what’s stopping me?  God, (and this is a prayer, not a name in vain moment), please show me what’s stopping me.

People with no food/body issues will look at the “plan” and figure that the problem is obviously that people aren’t meant to measure and weigh and write down everything they eat. I get that.  But I also get that it’s the right thing for me when I need restraint in my food life.

I can usually keep weight off without doing that stuff but I sure can’t lose weight without those little disciplines.  And they are little.  I don’t have to think about food all day long; I just have to be honest, on paper, about what I’m consuming.  The food scale and measuring cups are right there under the kitchen counter.  It’s not really an inconvenicne to get back into that habit. And all I have to do is type the results into my laptop or Blackberry.  Again, what’s the hassle?

HABITS.  That’s what this is all about.

So starting today,  I’m going to add the habit of checking my portions and recording them in my food journal – not because I’m obsessed – but because it’s the best tool for losing weight.

I will do this until I’ve lost the 5lbs that I gained over the past few months.

Sorry for the boring blogging but it’s all I’ve got till I start taking care of myself again.

I need to I am going to figure out how to change a few things that negatively affect my weight:

• I have a real home and a spare home.  Time in the spare home is unavoidable but always leads to a 3-5lb weight gain.  So what am I going to do about that?

I’m going to plan my first week of meals before I leave the UK.  I know what’s in a Canadian grocery store.  I know what I should be eating.  I also know that I can’t depend on myself to buy the right things unless I have a plan.

• I spend about 6 weeks of the year recovering from jet lag.  When I’m tired I don’t feel like moving or eating well.

I’m going to plan my first week of meals on the return trip too.  I even know that I can email the list to the man and have it all waiting in the kitchen when I get home.  I just need to do it.

• I’m not taking care of my spiritual being lately and that has got to have some effect on my physical self.

I’m going to start setting the alarm and getting up early to a house with no computers or Blackberries.  I will keep those things off until I’ve had a time of quiet to start the day – a time without screens demanding my attention.

• When I’m tired and not eating well, I don’t want to put on my exercise gear and head out into public.

I will use my proven technique of earphones, sunglasses and a baseball cap as a perfectly good cloak of invisibility.  Part of me sits here longing to walk while the other part says, “Have another cup of coffee.”

• When I’m tired/stressed/insert what you want, I feel like I just can’t be bothered to journal what I’m eating.  Sometimes that’s ok, but when I’m in this frame of mind and the fat has started to re-attach itself within my belly, I must commit to writing it all down.

So…..I will write down what I’ve eaten just for today.

Edit:  I forgot about the daily weighing.  It’s been over a month that I haven’t been weight every day and it seems to be an important tool for my weight maintenance.  So I’m back on it with a new Millie page.

By the way, I blame lycra for my problems.  You can gain five pounds these days and every fits as usual.  But that’s another post.

It occurs to me that I have been struggling with my weight since I was 14. At that time, I weighed exactly 135 pounds at 5′ 7″. And I was convinced that I was SO fat. Not in the anorexic “never eat anything” way, but in the “crazy fad diet” way. And we made most of our diets up. A donut for breakfast, followed by diet soda and cigarettes the rest of the day. Then McD’s for dinner. Of course, by that time we were starving, so we’d go with the big sandwiches and large fries. And we wondered why it didn’t work! I know why it didn’t, but back then, we couldn’t figure it out. I DO know how to make it work these days. I just haven’t had the internal…fortitude? …strength? …guts? to do it. Why? I don’t know. Does it matter why? Can I just accept the fact that the answer to “why?” is not available to me right now? Can I just do it anyway, and find another way to deal with whatever it is that keeps me from meeting my goals? Maybe exercise, or something social that doesn’t involve food. Maybe getting out on my bike and clearing my head of cobwebs and old garbage.

To that end, I am going to be signing back on to WW Online at some point this weekend. In the meantime, I’ve stocked my kitchen with the right stuff, and have planned some changes to some of my habits, even the healthy ones. For instance, even though I know I can lose weight while eating a big bowl of air-popped popcorn almost every night, I’m going to switch that up with a (measured) bowl of cereal–something healthy but tasty, and some milk. That way, I can get a bit of sweet without depriving myself. It’s time to get the job done. I’m almost 53 years old, and am still struggling with whatever internal demons are making this difficult for me. I’ve done many things I’m proud of, that required strength and persistence. I can do this too. Even though money is tight right now, there are some things that ARE important enough to pursue despite the cost. And this is one of them. The trick then is how to approach this differently this time. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I can’t do this the same way I have been. The result has been giving up, regaining weight, and ending up right where I started–or worse!

That’s one of the big challenges then. How to do this differently, to change the result, and get out of the grips of weight yo-yo insanity. Luckily, I have some time over the next few days to think about it. And I already know what my first step is. On Monday, I am turning in my DVR, and canceling my cable TV. I will keep my internet service, of course. But without the convenience of watching TV constantly, that will leave my schedule open to more things like cooking from one of the zillion WW cookbooks I own, or getting out for some exercise, or reading one of the many books waiting for my attention, or goofing off to help burn up job-related stress. While the idea of not having TV at the ready was scary the first time I thought about it, I am now looking forward to the possibilities. The idea started as a result of an experiment in taking a BIG step in changing my life, based on a class that I took at the local university. I tried it for a week–no weeknight TV. And it was very freeing. I was afraid to stick with it, so I let it slide, but I’m ready now. That extra cash will be helpful in many areas, like helping pay for my WW online subscription. Thanks to life coach Jeanette, who instructed that class, for starting the process that generated that idea! And I truly believe that this is the start of something big. Or maybe “less big” is the way to say it.

Back to the classic muscle car analogy, because I like it. If I was really restoring a classic car, I’d have to know how to wrench on it. That means instructions, which means my WW materials. And supplies, tools. That means the right groceries, measuring tools, kitchen gadgets, etc. And a way to know how much progress I’ve made. I can use my eyes, as I would with the car. I can also use the scale, and the fit of my clothes. I also need the right frame of mind. If I don’t have that, how will I handle the bumps and hiccups during the long process? Not very well. Tools might be thrown, there might be some bad language (Might? Try “will!”) occasionally. I need to be ready for whatever comes my way during this project.

Another helpful thing to have is plenty of time to work on the project. This is not something that’s going to come together in just a few minutes a day. I’ll need far more time than that to get things restored to their original beauty. So forget the days of working on the fly. Plan to spend enough time to do the job right. Lube the moving parts with exercise. Feed the engine and the computer with the right gas & oil, and enough rest. And once the original beauty has been restored, it will be very important (VERY!!) to keep it that way. This will be hard work as well, so no giving up, EVER.

As posted on BCB today: I’ve been thinking a lot today, and I can’t come up with anything new to do to help me stay the course. That means that the only course of action is to fall back on the remedial mindset. No click, but I gotta do it. No burst of positive energy. No amazing insight that leads to an “Aha!” moment. But I gotta do it. So that means focusing on remedial tasks without the benefit of any of the aforementioned fireworks. Hard work, eating smart, journaling on WWonline, working out, planning ahead, all that stuff that seems so mundane and dull. But I know it works, even in the absence of the fireworks, new gadgets, gizmos, toys, tricks, etc. I DO have pretty (titanium & plum, nice color combo!) new Asics Gel Cumulus shoes, so there’s some excitement, but not much. Still, gotta do it. I’m too old to be playing these games with my health!! So I am committing right now to working this program no matter how un-exciting it may seem. No matter how dull/boring/routine it seems. Because that’s what us remedial girls have to do. And the excitement will be in the form of weight loss and health gains, when I finally actually WORK on this. I guess I can’t be bored with working the program, because I HAVEN’T been. And heaven knows, as much as I love using the WWonline site, there’s no sense in paying for it if I’m not going to make the most of it.

Now I’m going to take a bit of time to work on the budget project from hell, before doing some weight work and getting on the treadmill. That’s my plan for the remainder of the day. Budgets, weights, walk. Popcorn later, when obligations are completed. Early to bed, after getting ready for the start of the work week. And a fresh, new, remedial attitude for the day: Putting one foot in front of the other, and the right food into my mouth, without the fireworks, because there simply aren’t any fireworks left after doing this for thirty eight years, but it has to be done anyway. So I’m going to do it. That’s my truth, and I’m sticking to it.

Once again, it’s the day traditionally given over to resolutions. I make the same one every year–almost the same one. It started as a weight loss thing. Now, it’s more of a health issue. I’ve always felt younger than my age, physically as well as mentally and emotionally. This year, I feel older physically than I’d like. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, blood sugar numbers that have crossed the line into pre-diabetic, and a motorcycle accident that, while fairly minor, has left me with pain and stiffmess that I don’t like having to live with. So what can I do about these issues? And the other issues: poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, depression, seasonal affective disorder, blah blah blah. The answer to ALL of these issues is the same. Take better care of myself! This is NOT rocket science! Eat well, lose weight, exercise to strengthen my heart and build muscle, use my light box daily to be sure I don’t suffer from the lack of sun here in the winter, and end up feeling better all the way around. Nope, not rocket science. Yet, I struggle. I fail–repeatedly. What the f#$% is wrong with me? I can tell you what’s RIGHT with me–I NEVER give up. I’ve been fighting this battle since I was 14. I haven’t had a lot of success, but I haven’t given up, either. And I’m sure not going to now. I’m going to use the motivation of being Mother of the Bride next year as the carrot on the stick. But since I don’t want to find myself without motivation after that, it will be necessary to make the new behaviors permanent. Not just doing different things to lose weight for one occasion, but permanent behaviors to keep with me forever. That’s where WW comes in. That’s how they roll. And that’s how I’ll roll. With so much to live for, I cannot keep working on an early death! I must work on my follow-through, because all the tools and knowledge are in place. I just need to keep using them, day after day, one day at a time, for the rest of my life.

Every year I think I’m going to savour the moments but every year Christmas goes by in such a blur that I can barely remember it.

And every year, after two days of feasting I give the “That’s it! NO more food!” speech to myself then reach for the nearest baked goods. So is this year going to be different? (She asks as she brushes crumbs from the keyboard.)

The only way to make it different is to actually throw all the leftover goodies away. All of them?

What’s left?
Cookies baked by other people. A sliver of Christmas cake. A little bit of lovely fruit bread baked by a friend. A box of chocolates. Some peanut brittle. Half a bottle of good white wine. An almost full bottle of Baileys.

Be right back……..

The fruit bread and most of the cookies are in the bin.
The Christmas cake and snowballs are packed up and going to the care home to share at lunch today.
The chocolates and peanut brittle aren’t mine so I had to leave them or deal with divorce.

That leaves the alcohol which is really up to me, isn’t it? It doesn’t make me feel great anyway so I’ll have a glass of white at dinner and not buy any more. The Baileys can go to the daughter.

Hmmmm. Should it always be this easy? I stuffed myself for one more day than I wanted to do. Heavy over-eating seems to have to come down in stages. I can’t seem to go from feast to fast in one step, but I CAN cut down and get rid of the rubbish before a 3 day feast stretches into a 3 week binge.

The next stage is getting back to journalling – always a struggle after a time of massive consumption. It takes work and carbs make me lazy.

Be right back………..

OK – Breakfast – including the cookie – is journalled.

It’s a start. And here’s my plan for the rest of the day.

Lunch – soup and a piece of bread with low fat cream cheese.
Dinner – Escalloped potatoes (made with a light white sauce), black forest ham and peas – and 1 glass of wine.

I really don’t need any snacks if I eat well at meals. I’ll probably have a small square of Christmas cake with Mom because she eats better when someone eats with her. I will sacrifice a few calories to stop her wasting away.

I’ll let you know how it’s gone.

I know it–I’ve entered weight-loss hell. I found myself wondering how I could lose 20 pounds by this afternoon.  I’m SO unhappy with how I look and feel. I have ALL the tools I need to deal with that, so why am I NOT dealing with it? Ok, let’s be realistic–I CAN’T lose 20 pounds by this afternoon. But maybe by Christmas Eve? Ok, now I’m kidding. But seriously, I have fallen right back into that ugly place where I’m looking for quick fixes and the latest fad diets to get to where I want to be. Yes, I know they don’t work. No, I’m not going to try one. But I sure the hell WANT to.   THIS is why I became a remedial buddy in the first place. I find myself ending up back at this same spot no matter how much I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown. It’s like being 15 and SO incredibly lacking in confidence in myself. I don’t understand how that can happen so easily.

What to do now? I’ve signed on to Weight Watchers Online. I wish I could afford meetings, but that’s not going to happen right now. Maybe someday, because I know that works better for me. The rest I will have to do myself, with the support of my blog buddies, my BCB buddies, and the friend at work who just went back to WW meetings. I know I can do this. So why is it such a struggle?

Time to go back and read the attitude adjustment post from December 8th, and move on from there…

Ok, attitude adjustment exercise:

• I have 2 GREAT daughters, 24 & 27, and I’m proud to say I’m their mom.
• I have a family I love, even in the face of all our dysfunction.
• My family will celebrate the holidays with all the joy and cheer that makes it a very special time for all.
• I have a good relationship with my ex, which is good for my daughters.
• I have a job. Many people don’t.
• I LIKE my job, at least most of the time.
• I have off from said job from Christmas to New Years Day. 
• I have the physical ability to exercise.
• I have the mental ability to make better choices.
• I have the brains to make all this work FOR me.
• I have motivation to be strong, healthy, and fiscally fit, so that when spring gets here, I can fire up my Harley, modify it any way I want, and ride like the wind. (A slow wind, of course…)
• I have awesome friends and a great support system! Shout out to all my BCB buddies, and Millie, Donna & Mardee at the blog! (IPB too, you know who you are!)
• I am strong enough, and smart enough, and tough enough, to do this and to do it well. I can get my eating, my spending, my level of physical activity, and my attitude, all under control and headed in the right direction.

Ok, now that I’ve given myself a pep talk, I can start my day with a smile on my face, and the desire to change my circumstances.

Having gone back and reread that, I feel better. I know that this struggle is just one part (although a very important part) of my life. But when I look at my other successes, I know that I can win at this game, because it is a deadly-serious game–one that I have to win. For the sake of my health, for the sake of my children and any future grandchildren I might have, and for those others in my life who are important to me (especially my brother, who struggles with his own demons, and who I am incredibly close to). It must be done.