Starting Again Again

The “Gracie Project”

Oct 192009

After taking a class at the local university called “Life Makeover” I am looking, once again, at my behaviors and how to change them. This class has helped immensely in getting me started, first by looking at the past and the present, and then by looking to the future (my “future self”) for guidance. As I write this, I wonder if it sounds goofy, but the visualization exercise our instructor led us through was very powerful. I know where I want to be years from now–even two years from now, and I have a map of how to get there. The journey starts today!

10/19/2009 – Day 1: Nice round number to start with, 200.0 exactly. <sigh> At least it will be easy to remember the beginning of my final weight loss. I use “final” in a very positive way. This is the time I will take the steps necessary to lose the weight, because I will maintain it by using that old standby, “eating right and exercising.” My plan is not completely fleshed out yet. My exercise plan will be especially tough as I work around my body’s objections to putting it through the work when it is still recovering from the recreational mishap. My commitment extends to my financial matters as well. Those need fixing as much as my weight and fitness level. My expenses need to lose weight, my balance sheet needs to gain muscle. Do I sound like an accounting geek or what?? Off to start my day…

Enough already

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Oct 162009

I’ve been on a crash and burn pity party this week. Losing control of my schedule and routine has led me to throw my hands up in the air and relinquish control of my eating. The scale this morning has slapped me back to reality. Some people say that while their life may be hectic at least they have control over what goes in their mouth. Unfortunately, I’m the opposite. When I lose control over my routine, I usually lose control over my eating as well. At least I have learned to rein it in before it goes too far. Today I vow to think before I put something in my mouth and to get my usual amount of water in.

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Oct 162009

So, having established yesterday that I don’t ever want to diet again, I had to think through whether or not I actually want to lose more weight.

The answer is yes I do. I want to push through a very personal wall to lose somewhere around ten pounds. One of the most frustrating things about my body shape is that the weight I have gravitated to lately puts me exactly between sizes for jeans, skirts etc. To bump up a size means that my tops are too small. So I’m going to bump down a size and see what happens.

This size will also give me a healthy waist measurement for the first time in years. I’m really curious about what that feels like.

So what might happen? It might happen that I simply can’t maintain the weight and I’ll choose to put it back on and be slightly overweight. It might happen that I love how I look and feel and I’ll commit to staying there. We’ll see. But I’ll never know unless I get there.

But my biggest desire isn’t clothes; it’s to actually accomplish this thing I’ve been working towards for so long. I have got to a “goal weight” many times before. That’s hard, but not the hardest part. What I’m excited about this time is working through the process of keeping it off, of finding healing around the issues of food and body, of figuring out how I’m going to eat for the rest of my life. This is what will stop the pendulum forever.

It’s not too often in life that we get to WANT something and simply go get it because it doesn’t involve negotiating with loved-ones, market conditions or budgets. This requires negotiating my self, my history, my emotions and anxieties and so the Talking It Off continues.

Familiar ground–back to square one

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Oct 112009

I wish I had a dollar for every time I started over. I’d be retired and sitting in a beautiful cottage somewhere, with tons of friends, and lots of fun things to do, and no money worries. But I’m also willing to guess that I’d still be struggling with food, starting over, failing, starting over again, and between lots of failures would be the occasional success. What is it about that occasional success that is missing the rest of the time? If I could answer that question, I’d reach permanent success at reaching and maintaining my weight, food, and fitness goals.

In the meantime, I will do the things that I have done before: NOT quit. Start over. Make a plan for eating and working out. Fake the excitement and motivation if I’m not feelin’ it. One minor change: Fitness activities will start slow as my ribs heal and the (what did Sal call it? a hematoma?) the other thing heals. I’ll walk on the treadmill, probably 2.5 – 3.0 mph, see how that goes. And I’ll work out the food after getting some ideas from the zillions of books I have floating around the house that all have to do with healthy eating, weight loss, fitness, aging, and all the other stuff that goes with that. And the first item of business will be to weigh in tomorrow morning. Might as well start with the ugly truth.

So there you have it. Another time around the game board, and on the square marked “start.”

The Wagon or Not

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Oct 042009

I’ve decided to ban the phrase “fall off the wagon”. It’s too all or nothing: you’re on or you’re off, succeeding or failing.

I like to think of this as a game of catch like we used to play as kids. Each catch “counted” towards the all-time record. When you drop the ball, you just start again at one and head for the record again. How depressing it would have been if we’d berated and criticized each other with every drop.

So from now on I’m thinking of “dropping the ball” rather than “falling off the wagon”. I hate the wagon. I can’t stay on the wagon. But I can play a game of catch – enjoy the process, chat with a friend and head for the all-time record.

So what constitutes a “catch” day?

For me, it means:

eating well to relieve hunger rather than emotion
staying within my calorie range for the day
moving somehow, some way
a day of appreciating what I have and working hard towards what I envision for myself

Getting back in the game

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Oct 032009

Here’s what I know: eating well and exercising aren’t just a “lifestyle option”; they are crucial ingredients in a sane and productive daily life. How do I know? I’ve just a couple of weeks doing no exercise and engaging in mindless eating. The result was that discombobulation that makes even simple stresses hard to deal with.

A couple of years ago it might have taken me months and a scary weight gain to get me back in the game but now it only takes a couple of weeks before I can’t stand the feeling of a tightening waistband and the sugar-induced lethargy that pins me to the sofa.

So this morning I disentangled myself from the negative voices in my head and went for a long walk with a few bursts of jogging – almost five miles of good music and a pounding heart.

One day at a time.

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