Wishing everyone a Christmas full of blessings – love, laughter, feasting and gratitude.
Isn’t it?
I can be a Scrooge and a Grinch all the way up until about now and then it seems to kick in. The tree smells lovely. The gingerbread house adds to the festive nose-feast. The only thing playing on i-tunes is my Christmas music. OK – I’ve got the Spirit.
So how’s the eating going to go for the next few days? I’m not sure that’s the right question.
How am I going to feel about my body by New Year’s Day? That’s a slightly better question.
My weighing every day experiment may end up to be the best thing I’ve ever done from a maintenance perspective. It has completely obliterated (yes, that dramatic) my tendency to get off track and stay off track.
Last year at this time, I also had “a something” that required surgery. I also got worried that my weight loss was due to illness – just like this year. I also lost my appetite and decided to eat what I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t really dying. But it was entirely different because I stopped writing and I stopped weighing myself. I did all that stuff with no controls whatsoever.
This year I’m also not feeling great with an entirely different problem that will probably require surgery. I have experimented with the appetite thing. I’ve experimented with the quantity stuff. I’ve stopped journalling which means I’ve put away any expectations of losing weight until the new year.
But I’ve kept other controls – just by coming here and saying what’s on my mind and stepping on that digital slab once a day. And it seems to be working. This is what’s happened to my weight this month:
December 09
1-144.4 Canadian scales
2-144.2
3-145.6-after a day of pretty heavy eating. interesting.
4-145.6
5-148 Really? In 24 hours? Interesting……
6-144.4 after one normal healthy day – see why this was a good idea?
7-144.8
8-144.8
9-144.8
10-144.4
11-away
12-away
13-144
14-145
15-145
16-146
17-146
18 -forgot or didn’t want to – can’t remember
19-out of town
20-out of town
21-145.6
22-144 – is my scale broken or is it premenstrual madness?
I’ve always seen the scale as my nemesis – certainly not my friend – but now I’m seeing that the personification of a bathroom fixture just can’t be a good thing. This experiment has helped me to see them the same way I view my measuring cups. How can I be anything but emotionally neutral about measuring cups?
Wow. I’m heading into Christmas with the gift of scale neutrality. Bring on the turkey.
The weekend was a lovely blur of socializing and Christmas shopping. We stayed at our favourite hotel – with the comfiest bed in the universe. Really. We had three dinners and one lunch with friends and caught up with fifteen people we hadn’t seen since summer. We shopped and I had a brainwave for the supposedly (but not really, come on, it’s Christmas!) adult children’s stockings. We even wrapped a pile of presents. And now I’m home.
But this is about pizza. View the following:
Exhibit A
Exhibit B
After many years of living with a Pizza Express on every corner, Exhibit B is our “normal”, ubiquitous even, pizza. And we had completely forgotten the bad old days of deep dish cheese-fest pizza – until Saturday night. It was gastronomically overwhelming, and not having the greatest stomach these days, it was a struggle to eat even one piece.
The whole experience sure highlighted how it really is possible to completely change the way you think and feel about unhealthy, even favourite unhealthy, food. There was a time when the gooey nightmare would have been our take-out order of choice but that is now a distant and almost unbelievable memory. Really? We preferred that?
What’s even more bizarre is that the healthy looking rocket (arugula) pizza is now a rare treat because, let’s face it, it’s not a piece of fish and a pile of steamed vegetables. And I actually had a piece of fish and a pile of vegetables (not quite steamed) for dinner on Friday night.
I think I’m having an identity crisis. When did all this happen to me? When did I become a person who ordered a hunk of white fish for a dinner out? When did I stop treating every restaurant meal as my last? When did I stop craving and even start feeling queasy about a pound of melting ooze on a chewy bread base?
I guess the whole “this is a lifestyle, not a diet” rhetoric eventually actually becomes reality. You start off forcing yourself to stick to a plan, repeating that unconvincing phrase because it sure as hell feels like a diet! Then one day you wake up craving a thin crust, a few parmesan shavings and a pile of slightly bitter greens.
Weird but wonderful.
It’s not as though I haven’t been thinking tons about what I’m doing and not doing – but the actual act of writing it all down has got lost in the tinsel, gingerbread and shopping lists.
I’ve put on two pounds which may or may not be “real”. I need vegetables but can’t find them in any satisfactory form at a reasonable cost.
I will be eating out three meals a day until Monday so commit to the following:
- order smallest size of everything – it’s always enough
- everything on the side – tastes better that way
- don’t bother with desserts – they always disappoint
- don’t even think about the baked goods that could accompany every single cappuccino
Enjoy the company
Enjoy the food
Get the shopping done!
See you on Monday.
I wish I could go back. I miss it. I miss the excitement. I miss learning about what’s new. I miss the awesome feeling of starting out fresh and full of motivation. I miss the opportunity to find a new gadget or two just for kicks. I miss that first week of being on WW–the determination, the drive to succeed, the steadfast refusal to fail. Lately, it’s all about having done this before. Countless times. And failed. Countless times. It doesn’t seem like a new start these days, so much as unwelcome reruns of a bad sitcom. Everything is stale and old. It’s not exciting, it’s S.O.S.–the Same Old Sh!t. And that makes it very hard to make it work. I’ve been there, done that, over and over and over. And now I’m doing it again, because I haven’t gotten anywhere all the times I’ve done this before.
How can I make this new again? I know WW is the right program for me. It’s healthy, it’s simple, it’s sensible. But it’s not new. Why do I need it to be new? What is it about “new” that makes this seem easier? Maybe, like the first day of school, it’s because it’s all fresh and clean. It hasn’t been mucked up yet. And as a perfectionist, once it’s mucked up, it can never go back to fresh and clean. Why does that matter? What’s wrong with starting over after erasing mistakes and giving it another try, instead of just giving up? All through school, I would do just that–make a mistake, erase, and then end up berated for the less than stellar condition of my paper. Dirty mark from the eraser, maybe a hole in the paper, clearly not fresh and clean, like Kathy S.’s papers always were. So give up and don’t even try. Because you can’t do it right, perfectly right.
I’ve messed it up so many times that I just can’t start over one more time. What’s the point? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FREAKIN’ POINT IS! It’s about taking care of myself, not about being perfect and neat and right. It’s about caring for myself as much as I care about others. It’s about being the best I can be, whether I’m sloppy or neat. Why does that get lost in the process? Why is that so hard to grasp? Because I learned right at the start that it has to be clean and neat and perfect, or they won’t like you and you’ll get yelled at. But it can’t be clean and neat and perfect, so why bother?
More on this later. This really isn’t where I expected this to go. I have to let this marinate between my ears for a while to see where else it takes me…
I caught the tail end of some news magazine tv show a week or so ago. You know the kind, something like 20/20 or Dateline. It was talking about the magazine and internet ads for weight loss. You know the ones I mean, it shows a before and after picture and the ad says something like, Take Off 50 Lbs in 2 Weeks With This Amazing Weight Loss Secret. It always has a before and after picture and a testimonial from Wendy or Joe or Bonny or whoever. According to the tv show, one of the women featured in the ad HAD taken off weight, but had done it over a longer period of time by working out and reducing her food intake. She made the mistake of posting her before & after pictures on the internet and the pictures were pirated to be used in the ad. Apparently there were several other people who had the same thing happen to them. One guy sold his picture and the company that bought it then used photo editing software to create the after pictures.
As skeptical as I am about these ads, I must admit that it didn’t occur to me that the pictures were stolen or photo shopped. I guess if I had really thought about it, I would have figured that they had either just exagerated the story or there was some creative photography taking place. So why did this story stick in my mind? Because anytime I see those ads, there is always a split second that I’m tempted. Maybe it would work. Maybe there is a magic something that would melt off 50 lbs in 2 weeks without exercise or diet. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause.
I will admit that I have been suckered into some of these pitches in the past. I remember trying the grapefruit diet, there was one very silly one involving aroma therapy which was supposed to stop your appetite. There was even one that involved getting needles every week and the scary thing is that I have no idea what was in the needle. I know that there is only one way to take off weight – eat less, move more. Too bad it took me so long to come to this realization.
Dec 102009
Today is moving day at my office. My department is moving about 40 miles away, which means a commute where there didn’t used to be one. There are both positive and negative aspects to this. Negative is the time and cost of the commute. We’re talking 90 minutes to 2 hours a day, depending on traffic, and $150-$200 a month, depending on mileage. Positive is a new work atmosphere and spending time with co-workers I previously only got to see at occasional staff meetings, working in the “big city” (Milwaukee) where there are more opportunities for just about everything, and shaking things up a bit. It’s the “shaking things up” part that I’ve been thinking about this morning. The powers-that-be are treating us to pizza today for lunch. Not the kind of pizza that is worth getting sick over (lactose intolerance), or getting fat(ter) over, but crappy, bring-on-the-Imodium, I-think-I’m-gonna-be-sick, chain restaurant (think “hut”…) pizza. I’m not having that. I figure my first day at my new office is a good time to go public as being a non-pizza/non-dessert kind of girl. Then co-workers will be accustomed to the fact that I have different needs when it comes to food–not weight loss needs (people don’t take those seriously), but health needs. That will make it easier to do this.
This means being strong today. If I cave, and eat crappy, makes-me-sick pizza, my health issues will take a back seat to my ability to be swayed when others want someone to “play” with. “Come on, PLEASE go for pizza with me? Pleeeaaassseee?” No. Pizza doesn’t agree with me, even if I take Lactaid. No. Ice cream isn’t worth how awful I’ll feel later. I’m lactoce intolerant. No. I choose to stay away from sweets because I am pre-diabetic. I choose health. I choose to be fit and healthy and vital. I choose to be active and engaged in life, rather than fat and sick.
I wonder if balancing my health needs with being social and friendly will be a challenge? I don’t think it will be too bad. Many of the people at my new office are younger than I am–parents of elementary school or middle school kids. They seem to be healthy, vital, gym-going kinds of people. They will understand. Those that I can picture as trying to persuade me to join them in the “eat-fest” behavior are people I can see being potential binge buddies. I REALLY don’t need to encourage close friendships with people like that. I don’t have any binge buddies right now (except one of my daughters, but that’s a whole other post), and that’s a good thing. I don’t need any!
I continue to work on my attitude. Today’s post is part of that work. It’s not only my feelings about food and exercise that are directing my behavior, but also feelings about the commute I’ll be undertaking. I am feeling resentful that someone other than myself can make a decision that impacts my circumstances in ways that will have a large negative impact on my life (money, time). I am sad because it will cost me so much to keep my job, especially after I have taken on a fairly expensive hobby (motorcycling). I am not willing to give up that hobby, so I will have to work hard to fit it in around the reduced resources. It is important enough to me to make this work. It is also important to be perceived as the kind of employee who is willing to go the extra mile at work. That will (or should) result in increased income. That will help me maintain my hobby more easily. (And after a suitable period of intense practice riding said hobby, I can use it as transportation to work!)
Lots of work to be done here. I’m up to the challenge. I’m strong, smart, capable, and willing to work hard to accomplish ALL my goals, despite the increased challenge in getting to work, and in educating my co-workers in how I need to take care of myself.
My default mode for “taking it easy on myself” is to let myself eat what I want and sit around watching endless tv or burying myself in a book avoiding the responsibilities that are pressing in on all sides.
Part of this Talking It Off process is resetting my default modes when it comes to behaviour that leads to weight gain.
So how am I going to lighten up and take care of myself during this stressful time?
- I can let go of all those things that are sad or hard but that I can’t change. I’m not going waste another minute worrying about them.
- I can live in the certainly that anything can be dealt with as it arises and not a minute sooner. This is a time of year to live in the moment and make the most of the process.
- I can trust that Christmas is going to be great because of all the people coming together.
- I can eat to nourish my body – not to insulate myself against the stress. It doesn’t work anyway.
- I can set my sights on moving around and doing rather than sitting around and brooding.
- I can allow myself to celebrate getting the little things done.
- I can ignore the big picture for a while.
- I can let other people share in taking responsibility for the collective happiness of the family.
- I can just let go and trust.
OK – I guess it’s pep-talk season!
This, of course is just another phrase for discombobulation. At the end of October I wrote:
The tidal motion of hormones is something I’d better get used to. When I take the time to pay attention to what’s going on with my body and my emotions then I come through the storms pretty much unscathed. But those weeks when I’m already stressed by work and the husband does something which may be just a little annoying and the kids don’t phone – or they do phone and they NEED me – well, that’s when my “crazy head” runs all over the place screaming that the ship is going down – swim for your lives!
I guess I should listen to myself sometimes.
Is life stressful right now? yes
Is the hormone wave threatening? yes
Is Christmas looming? yes
Can I control the weather? no
Can I bring Dad back for Mom? no
What can I control? Well there’s a good question.
I can eat well. I can drink more water – yes, I mean expensive bottled mineral water. I can do a couple of the things that are on my list. I can accept that I can’t do everything. I can “live life lightly” till this moment passes.
So how do I make decisions when I feel so indecisive? I guess I can take a deep breath and do something. Then I can smile at my ineptitude if it doesn’t all work out perfectly.
I need to go easy on myself but in the right ways…….this is turning into another post.
Dec 072009
Tomorrow morning is my anniversary of eating healthy for one long seven day continuous stretch (well, let’s not count Saturday night’s Christmas party where I pigged out on wine, pub cheese and salami rollups). Other than that, it was continuous – I journaled, I ate when I was hungry (only!) and found substitute activities to replace eating.
But even so, I still have this feeling that the end result is so far away that it’s not worth working for. It’s hard to be satisfied with a single step when you know you’re going to be walking for miles and miles.
So when (and how) do you become satisfied with the process? Or do you ever? Is it always one goal down the road? Since I’ve never actually gotten to that goal, I’m damned if I know. I guess I just keep plodding along and hope that something will stick.
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