Thoughts on the Process » Talking It Off

Recovery

Oct 242009

I figure it takes me about two to three weeks now to recover from a serious tumble into a vat of sugar/fat/whatever.

This time it also took two weeks of awful stomach problems to force me into getting back into really good habits. Even giving up the wine has been easy because I feel so much better for it.

And what triggered the negative behaviour? Weirdly, it was Weight Watchers. No kidding. I went to my usual meeting and talked to the wonderful leader about changing the weight on my gold card. Eleven years ago, 142lbs was reasonable but not any more.

Once we’d decided on a new weight, she said in the most encouraging way, “That’s only three pounds away; you can do that easily. ”

Then I went home and ate. Sigh. It was probably the unfortunate colliding of the stress of the whole previous year, hormones, and self-imposed expectations – but what a stupid thing to do!

So I’ve now had five weeks of :

destructive behaviour (don’t have to describe that for anyone)

regrouping behaviour (starting the blog & talking to other Rems)

healthy and self-caring behaviour (properly journalling)

On the positive side, I used to measure those episodes in months or even years rather than weeks so there is definite progress noted.

Definitive Waistline

Body Image, Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

Oct 232009

I don’t want to sound fanatical, but where the heck do you measure your waist?

People who make clothes say it’s the narrowest part.

Dr Oz the You On A Diet guy says at the navel.

Other’s say just above the navel.

Well……those three places range from 33 to 36 inches – almost healthy to quite risky.

Any thoughts?

I’m Feeling Better This Week

Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

Oct 202009

It’s really quite amazing the difference a few days make. Last week I was on such an emotional roller coaster and my eating reflected it. Rick commented several times that I seemed very down. At the time I just thought it was because I was upset about not having any real downtime during my vacation, plus a hangover from the previous weekend with all the company and the work that goes with it, plus still being unsettled due to the renovations in the house. However, now that I’ve had time to consider I wonder if I was also dealing with a menopausal hormone swing. You see, I can usually deal with all of the above much better than I did. It’s really not unusual for me to be busy during my vacation and the things I was busy with would normally not cause me to go into a funk. I loved having my in-laws visit so a full house at Thanksgiving wasn’t a hardship. What was wrong was my reaction to it all. Mood swings are not normal for me at all, so I have to think that maybe this one had help.

Well, whatever the cause it seems to have passed. I’m back to exercising and tracking my food and have stopped stuffing my face with whatever happens to cross my path. I must say that I prefer being on an even keel, I don’t enjoy the drama, even when it’s my own.

The art of negotiation, the ease of not having to

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 202009

When I got home from work yesterday, I felt immediately drawn to the TV, which I have temporarily given up during my work week. I wandered into the living room, paused by the couch, and then walked away. Easy choice. I said “No TV during the work week for at least one week.” And I was successful the first night, never turned it on. No gray areas. Easy enough, even for a TV addict who is accustomed to watching endless reruns of Bones, Criminal Minds, and NCIS, besides new episodes of my many other favorites.

When I walked away from the black and white (no pun intended) of the TV decision, I headed into the gray area of the kitchen (which is decorated in black and white–gotta love my landlord’s choice of color!). You can quit drugs, alcohol, gambling, watching TV, and a host of other things, without ever having to do them again. Just to clarify, I am NOT saying it’s easy–I’ve watched people struggle with drugs and alcohol, and I wouldn’t want to go there myself. But you can QUIT. You can walk away and never have to negotiate bargains with that particular demon. Not the same with food. I have to negotiate that rocky road (no pun intended, again!) several times a day. I fell into deep crevices three times yesterday, and was unsuccessful in negotiating my way out without giving in. Sometimes I wonder if hooking myself up to an IV of just the right balance of nutritional stuff twice a day would make it easier. It would take away the “gray-ness” of food negotiations. But it would also remove any enjoyment of food. Might that be a good thing?

Upshot? If I want to keep enjoying food, I will have to learn to negotiate it better. Balance. A little of this today. A small portion of that on the weekend. I’ve never thought of myself as a “foodie” when it comes to the whole experience of food. My tastes are pretty simple, out of necessity. But while the food is simple, the enjoyment of it is so much more complex–the color/taste/smell/texture/atmosphere surrounding food. And I’d miss that.

Lazy & Lacking Willpower?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Oct 182009

“Am I just lazy, lacking willpower?” Donna started this conversation here.

Sometimes. But mostly that’s the easiest way to interpret what’s really going on. When I’m looking at any human problem (debt, health, fitness, unemployment etc), it’s much easier to think of my own simple solution then put the burden on the person with the problem with the words, “You just need to …….”.

And failure to take that advice makes the person with the problem look like they’re lazy and lacking willpower. After all, I’ve offered a simple solution.

On a bad day, I can do the same to myself about my need to lose weight. “You just need to ………..” And when I fail, then I’m the big fat loser. But, as Donna pointed out in her post, I know from the rest of my life that I’m not really that big fat loser. In fact, I’m assuming that I’m the only person who ever thinks that about myself.

So what’s really going on?

Rather than lazy & lacking willpower, I think it’s safer to describe me as being reactive rather than proactive. I’m an excellent problem solver – but that means I need a problem.

I don’t dust until I can write messages on the sideboard. I don’t clear out my sock drawer until I can’t find something. Historically, I don’t do something about the way I eat and exercise until I have too much fat and too little fitness. I problem solve then I slack off until I have to do it again. Hence the dieting pendulum.

Hmm- a little self-awareness here!

In this area of my life, I need to break through my tendency to prefer fire-fighting and find a way to be proactive about how I eat and how I move my body.

More later. Got to run the husband to the airport again.

Just who is it I am fighting with?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Oct 172009

I’ve been wondering what the heck is wrong with me this week. I’ve been supposedly on vacation but rather than enjoying some ‘me’ time I’ve been busy every day. That’s fine except that I’ve been very grumpy and resentful about it. The grumpier and more resentful I became, the more I ate. The more I ate, the busier I got. I finally had to ask myself who or what I was so resentful of. Just who was it who was expecting me to do everything? Certainly not Rick (my husband) and there isn’t anyone else in the house. I had to face the fact that it was myself that I resented.

I’m sure all of us have heard those people who claim that overweight people are lazy and have no willpower. All they need to do is stop eating and exercise. What’s so hard about that? I know this seems like I’m changing the subject, but bear with me. Have you ever secretly agreed with them in some part of your mind? I mean, why can’t I stick to my plan? Why am I choosing to eat stuff I shouldn’t, eat more than I should, not exercise enough? Am I just lazy, lacking willpower? Am I trying to prove otherwise when I go from one task to another? Look at me, look how busy I am. If I do this and this and this, then how could anyone claim I’m lazy? But no one is claiming I’m lazy except me.

Why is this so hard? All I have to do is stop eating stuff I shouldn’t and exercise more. Right?

The Dieting Pendulum

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 152009

Would I be better off just accepting myself as overweight and getting on with my life? Or would I be better off just following a strict diet and taking the weight off without all this inner (and outer) dialogue about it?

These questions kept coming back to me yesterday – especially after Donna commented that she asks them too.

There was a time when I was doing either one or the other. The “just accepting myself” swing would end when I realised that all that “acceptance” had led to a significant weight gain and all of a sudden I didn’t feel so accepting of myself.

The “diet” cycle was often much shorter and would end as soon as I’d lost a couple of pounds and wanted to get back to “normal eating” – which meant “accepting” myself and gaining weight. (I won’t talk you through the whole ride.)

So what happened in July 08 with Mardee’s post was a first attempt to Stop the Pendulum (roller coaster, dance of death – not really – just that alliteration thing again) . After more that a year, I can’t say that the pendulum has come to a standstill. I can say, however, that it’s lost its extremes.

I no longer live between the euphoria of weight loss and the wilful internal insistence that “I’m ok” even while watching my health and fitness deteriorate.

Some would insist that, as long as I’m altering my food intake to lose weight, that I haven’t given up dieting, but they’d be wrong. In no specific order:

I have given up the language of dieting – “I was good today” has nothing to do with carrots consumed.
I have given up my dependency on the thrill of seeing the pounds come off. The is a big-picture, whole-life thing. I can be proud of myself for working hard and caring for myself. That might or might not be reflected in my clothing size.
I’ve given up searching for an external answer – a program or a book that will make it all better.
I’ve also given up replacing one addiction with another. I don’t swing from mindless eating to mindless exercising.
I no longer see food as the enemy in my life – but as a positive thing that I need to be mindful about.
If I have a “bad day”, it’s because something has gone wrong in my life. Sometimes I eat inappropriately to deal with the emotions that a “bad day” brings up.
I accept that carbs are comforting. So is a long walk. So is sex. So is a good book. Sometimes I’ll choose carbs.
I no longer think in terms of “falling off the wagon” – a healthy life cannot be all or nothing. I’m just fine having days that are “almost but not quite”.
I’m no longer looking to recapture something that I’ve lost – a size, a weight, a feeling that I had about myself. Instead, I’m looking forward to what’s next and “what’s next” starts now, not when the scale or my jeans tell me.
I’m no longer afraid of not belonging to the “dieting club”. I’m almost always ok if people don’t understand by just looking at me that I have a fraught relationship with food and my body. (Note the “almost always” and see below)
This isn’t something I’m going to do for a few weeks then “get back to normal”. This is life – so I’d better enjoy it.

I’ll probably come up with more of those as the day progresses.

As I wrote those, I had glimmers of the things that I still need to work on.

Even though I talk a good game, I am definitely more motivated by vanity than health.
I harshly judge people who are morbidly obese. I find it very hard to get past the fat and connect with the person.
My body size still sometimes affects my self-esteem.

And just to emphasise the complexity of the issue, even while I judge myself and others for being overweight,

every once in a while I’m still afraid that my being thin would cause people to view me in a negative way. I guess I have a fear of people thinking that I have it all together. Fat is safe sometimes.

So I’ll keep on talking until I can get past those things too.

“Every woman has an eating disorder”?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Oct 142009

I’m back in the land of journalling and looking to get to where I want to go. By dear friend BFP sent me this link today and it got me thinking about the long continuum of mindsets about body/food/health.

Is this blog a reflection of the fact that I have an eating disorder? Or is it a tool for helping to straighten out my sometimes distorted relationship with food?

Would I be better off just accepting myself as overweight and getting on with my life? Or would I be better off just following a strict diet and taking the weight off without all this inner (and outer) dialogue about it?

As usual, I want the best of both worlds. I want to be healthy in body and in mind. For that reason, I don’t want to be “thin”. I don’t want something from my 48 year old body that it doesn’t want to give me. I don’t want to re-capture a time in my 20s when I weighed thirty pounds less than I do now.

But I do want to have a healthy waist size. And I do want to run comfortably – not because I’m afraid of fat on my body, but because I love to move.

As much as I want a healthy body, I want to enjoy food and I want its presence in my life to be about fuel and taste and sociability. I want the act of eating to be about caring for myself in a healthful and mindful way. I don’t want it to be about dealing with stress or emotions.

That’s the reason I write -not because I’m afraid, or because I’m permanently “on a diet” but because I need some alternative for stuffing my thoughts and feelings down with food.

Journalling my thoughts is a tool.

So is journalling what I eat.

A WW meeting can be a tool.

A session at the gym can be tool.

Scales and tape measures are tools.

All these things can also become obsessions in themselves – and only I can decide what’s a helpful tool and what’s an obsession.

It’s possible that I will spend the rest of my life thinking about this stuff. More than once in our online conversations, the other Rems and I have talked about the similarities between what we deal with and what alcoholics deals with. The big difference is that we can’t swear off food but have to learn to consume it in moderation. So we talk and keep talking.

The great news is that, even though we’re still talking, we’re generally way down the road from where we were a couple of years ago. And I’m predicting that a year from now we will be further still. Will I be skinny? No. Will I be at the gym 5 times a week? No. Will I be confident standing beside skinny and fit women? Yes. Because I will be the “me” I choose to be and the one I know I can keep on being.

Must make a note of this entry and check back next October.

If I was smart…

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 132009

If I was smart, I’d go into my fridge right now and purge a lot of the leftovers from Thanksgiving. I’d keep the turkey, that’s good for sandwiches and soup and I can freeze some for future casseroles. However, the stuffing should be thrown out for sure, plus the leftover dessert that my daughter in law so thoughtfully left with us. I don’t really need the extra homemade soda bread, even though it tastes so good toasted. So why don’t I? Throw it down the garbage disposal and dispose of it somewhere other than in my stomach.

Easy enough question, it should be an easy enough action. But,,,,, that famous word of prevaricators (is that a word?) I have such a hard time throwing out ‘perfectly good food’. After all, ‘there are starving people in Africa’. It’s not good to ‘waste food’. Can you hear my mother talking? I can. So what that I’m almost 52 and that times have changed. So what that my eating it won’t help those starving people one little whit. It still pains me to throw it away. I suspect that this is a problem mostly for people who grew up, or had parents who grew up, in the depression era or in families where money was scarce.

I really need to get over it.

Setting Goals

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Oct 122009

Yesterday ended up being a fairly easy series of good meal choices. So another day down.
I think it’s time to start thinking about goals – not exactly when and not exactly how much but I’ve had a personal goal of reaching a body weight and shape and maintaining it for a year.
I’ve been very close that shape/weight a couple of times but have let life and mad moments of self-sabotage get in the way – so the remedial work continues.
I head home for Christmas in 6 weeks – just enough time to work hard and get to that place. I’m old enough to have reasonable expectations about what constitutes a “ideal” weight/shape.
Despite that, my main obstacle will be whatever is sloshing around in my skull and this blog will be my most important tool for bashing down walls and talking my way out of difficult situations.
Better run -this post has been a Blackberry experiment.

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