Thoughts on the Process » Talking It Off

More Thoughts on Family

Jul 272010

This morning as I was reading more of Women Food and God while working on the treadmill (wow, talke about multi tasking), I realized that while I’ve been pushing away family (see my previous post), I’ve also been chasing after it. The problem is that I’ve been chasing after some vision of a perfect family that just doesn’t exist because let’s face it, families are loud, messy, uncooperative and embarrassing. And that’s a ‘good’ family. But if I’m really honest and I stop worrying about how it sounds, I really don’t want to be spend time with my family as a group, I much prefer to spend time with individuals in my family. That’s why I get a bit claustrophobic when I have to deal with my entire family but I enjoy visiting with them separately. It’s why I don’t have a lot of patience with the squabbling between my 2 granddaughters when they both visit but I enjoy having them stay over 1 at a time.

Trying to force this whole vision of a perfect family on myself is only serving to make me unhappy. Perfect example was Christmas Eve. My picture of family on that day involved my step son and his live in girlfriend showing up about 2:30-3:00 pm with their 2 children. I would have some munchies prepared for them when they showed up. We would open gifts in the afternoon so the kids could play with their gifts while I finished preparing dinner. We would have a lovely dinner together and they would still be able to leave early enough so the kids could get to bed at their usual bedtime. Instead they showed up just before dinner after the hors d’oevres were cold, the kids were already tired and cranky. Their gift for me was a family picture, not in a nice frame, just the picture with some Christmas paper slapped around it. I know that money was tight for them and while a family picture might be a nice gift, it really wasn’t much different than the family picture they had given us a few months before. It felt like a complete disregard of me as part of their family. So, needless to say, my day was ruined because my picture of what should have been a lovely family day didn’t match reality.

My point is that every time I attempt to force my vision of what a family should be I end up disappointed and angry. And of course, that’s when I eat away my feelings.

BUT…..

The thing is, reality is never going to match my expectations because even if everything was perfect, it’s not really what I want. What I want is small amounts of time spent with individuals. I don’t want to be surrounded with a large noisy family. I’d be just as happy if a family dinner consisted of a bucket of take out chicken in the middle of the table. Is there any rule that says that I have to want a family? If I can accept that this is just the way I am and that I am not a freak, then I think I might just lift a huge weight off my shoulders.

Getting Perspective

Jul 262010

I’ve taken a few days off – mostly because I’ve got deadlines – but partly because I needed to stand back for a bit to get some perspective.

I’m one of the few people I know who like installation art and one of my favourite installations is a collection of supposed fragments from a bombed out museum. In order to look at it, you have to get very close to see what the fragments are,

then you have to stand way back to get a sense of the enormity of the piece.

If you stand back even further and watch people looking at the installation, you see a sort of slow dance of people walking up to the wall then backing away, then up and back again and again.

And I think that’s what this blog has become: you can see me peering carefully at my behaviour and my motives for a while and then watch me take a few steps back to try to get to grips with the whole picture.

I’m in that last week of my 3 months in this country and have so many deadlines and appointments that my first plan of action is to crawl back under the covers.

My second plan of action is to walk carefully through the next few days, acknowledging that I’m stressed about meeting up with the liver specialist and stressed about getting my business finances in order and stressed about chasing up late payments (WHY do the larger institutions treat the little guys so badly?).

I also confess to feeling stressed about not being where I wanted to be with the weight loss – but really, there’s nothing I can do about that so I’m going to relax for the moment, stand back and take a good look at the big picture, ideally without the company of unrefined carbohydrates.

I will also go for a run or two or three despite the weather and despite my sincere desire to stay in my pjs and watch endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls.

Coming Back from a Binge – Last 10lbs

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Jul 212010

One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back. I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print. In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.

So what happened to 139, you ask?

Indeed.

So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.

EX V: I want to weight 139lbs

IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.

EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.

IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.

EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.

IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.

And finally,

EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.

IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).

So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.

On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months. I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!

And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday. So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.

More Self Analysis

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jul 182010

So picture this, growing up in the middle of 9 children and yet not feeling like belonging. I was a redhead surrounded by brunettes. Granted Larry had reddish hair but he was so much older than I and by the time I got old enough to notice his hair was already more sandy coloured whilst mine was RED. Also, everyone else tanned and my skin was white white white. It was not unusual for me to be standing in the middle of my brothers and sisters and have someone ask me who I was, assuming that I was not a Moffatt. This has always stayed with me because I remember with a lot of fondness those adults who not only knew I was a Moffatt but also knew my first name. I raise this because it was one of the first things that started my feelings of separation from ‘family’. Surely not you say, how could anyone who has 5 brothers and 3 sisters feel separate from them? There must be things you had in common. Well, let’s see, some of them were musical, could sing and/or play instruments. I can’t carry a tune and can’t play anything. Some could dance (we’re talking tap dance, ballet, etc) and while I love to dance I’m not exactly coordinated. Some were athletic, but I do well to walk and talk at the same time. Some are artistic, I have difficulty drawing stick people.

Likely none of this would have made much of an impact but I was sick for much of my childhood, separating me even further as I spent so much time alone. A strong early memory was being on my own in the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. With 8 other children at home of course it would have been impossible for either of my parents to have stayed with me.

So what is my point? I guess that I’m coming to realize that the separation of me from the rest of my family has continued, mostly due to my own actions. Even more, I’ve separated myself from the institution of Family. I made the decision not to have children, not something that I regret but is not completely understood by anyone else in my family. I even went so far as to move several provinces away. For many years I didn’t cook and at every family gathering I was the one who brought pickles and buns. It wasn’t that I couldn’t cook but that everyone else could.

What has all this to do with weight? I’m not 100% sure but I am beginning to suspect that I need to keep following this line of thought. After all, if it’s not about food then I have to figure out what it is about.

The Perfect Bingeing Storm – Last 10 lbs

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jul 182010

Donna’s post about bingeing really got me thinking about what it is throws my eating into disarray.

I don’t usually get food crazy because of just one thing. Instead, my worst behaviour needs both an emotional reason and an opportunity.

In no particular order:

hormones
fear of the unknown – the big picture – like not having a pension or proper jobs but a mortgage that runs till we’re 70.
fear of the unknown – the little picture – like work that needs doing but I’m not sure how it will go.
anger
boredom
grief
feeling constrained by the weight loss process
confused feelings about losing weight (more fear of the future, perhaps?)
over-eating in a social situation- ie buying into the “off the wagon” mindset

Alone, each one of those things is usually manageable. I can go for a walk, talk to someone, go to bed, get myself distracted. But in certain circumstances, any of those things can be the catalyst for the “perfect storm”. And the circumstances are?

being alone
having simple carbs in the house, even just as ingredients.
having company but being angry at said company (not naming names but he knows who he is. )

These situations aren’t like the times that I just sit around with friends and eat too much in a social context. What I’m talking about is the next level – the step beyond eating too much in a happy, normal, celebratory way.

For some people that will mean eating 2 loaves of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a cake and donuts all in one sitting. For others it will mean eating a couple of chocolate bars or 2 bowls of cereal. For me, it’s about making sure that I feel full all day long. It’s not the quantity of food but the mindset that defines bingeing.

The post-binge shame is such a terrible place to have to pick yourself up from. It always feels like “sqare one”, as though you’ve made no progress at all, as though you have to figure out the process all over again.

The worst time for me was after my dad died and I was alone with my grief for a whole month. I would wake up feeling ok but the “must be full” mindset hit by early afternoon and I would self-medicate until bedtime, get up and do it all again. And every day, after the upsetting experience of visiting my brain-injured mom, I would head to the grocery store, creating the perfect opportunity to think that a bag of Cheetos or a loaf of olive bread looked like a viable supper option.

People who do this are not obese losers who don’t take care of themselves. We’re people who’ve learned over time that food offers (very) temporary relief from something that we don’t want to deal with in the light.

In the light. That’s where eating should be done – like the rest of our living. And we should speak our worries and fears and define our sadness and bring it all into the light. Healing doesn’t happen in the murky darkness where bingeing takes place. (That’s a note to self.)

Peace, not perfection.

Why?

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Jul 172010

I binged yesterday. At first I was going to say that I don’t know why I binged but I think that might not be true. I think that I’m stressed about a number of changes and uncertainties in my life right now and I don’t do well with change and uncertainty. While the idea of building and moving into a new house is exciting it is also really scary for me to go back into a mortgage, even if it will be quite a small one. I worry about being laid off even though there is no reason to think I will be. I am totally terrified of owing more than I can pay, of being homeless, penniless. What is strange is that I have never been any of these things. We had little money growing up but we were never needy. But this has always been a pretty deep rooted fear of mine. So yesterday I binged to drive away the fear. Unfortunately it doesn’t work, not even while the binge is taking place.

People who binge talk about feeling good while they are eating, they talk about eating to numb the fear/pain whatever. I don’t get that release. Yesterday, I realized that I just felt sad – before, during and after. So obviously the binge didn’t help anything, it only added sadness to the stress. Oh, and a sense of shame. Let’s not forget the shame. Because let’s face it, I’m ashamed that as self aware as I am, I still can’t turn that into change. Maybe the changes that cause me stress also resist allowing me to change myself. Maybe the comfort that I feel in my old bad habits are stronger than any incentive that I can find to replace them with something that will get me to my weight loss goals.

I wonder if I can allow myself to take a chance that I will probably never be homeless, starving, deep in debt and needy? Knowing that binging only makes me sad, can I give it up? Honestly, I don’t know.

More On Slow Dieting – Last 10lbs

Keeping Going, Slow Dieting, Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

Jul 162010

Thanks to the weighing every day exercise, I’m now unmoved by the little ups and downs – but a lack of progress these past few weeks has really started to get to me. So I decided to look back at my most successful times of weight loss and do what I did then to get the same results.

What started as a straight-forward quest for information turned into a chance to stand back and see the big picture of these last couple of years.

Jan 2008 – Jul 2010: The Show So Far

Jan 2nd 2008 – Weigh in heavier than any non-pregnant weight. 170 lbs

Jan, Feb, Mar – work really hard and lose 12ish pounds for a family wedding. (That’s from memory as I only kept my starting weight) 158ish lbs

Apr, May, Jun, Jul – Ditch gym, stop journalling (ie stop trying) and gain back all but 5 pounds. 165 lbs

On July 21st I step on the scale and something changes in me. I weigh 165 lbs and am fed up, but I’m then galvanised by something Mardee writes over at BCB.

Aug & half of Sep – I lose 9 pounds by working hard and writing about working hard. It’s the first time I can see real change in my attitude towards the process of losing weight. I’ve looked back at my NutraCheck journals and I was eating 1600 calories a day and counting things like cleaning and shopping as “exercise” – but I lost steadily over those 6 weeks. Interesting and not sure what to do with that information. 156 lbs

Mid-Sep, Oct, Nov - I rush home to Canada to be with my dad because my mom is taken ill. I lose a further 6lbs by simply being too busy and anxious and sad. I’m also never alone in the house, so don’t engage in the usual bingeing behaviour brought on by that sort of stress. I continue to lose a couple of pounds in November (148 lbs) once it’s decided that I need gynae surgery which leads to……..

Dec, Jan 2009 – Yes it’s Christmas and the kids are home and it’s festive – but I’ve also decided that I’ve lost weight so easily these past 5 months because I’m actually dying of cancer. I start to eat to prove to myself that I can gain weight. And guess what? I do! Up 5 lbs between Christmas celebrations, health insanity and then recuperation time. 153 lbs And then….

Feb - At the end of Jan, just when I’m starting to feel like myself again, my dad dies. I fly home, go see a brain injured mom every day and sit alone in his empty house for a month – and eat my grief for both of them. Walking saves me from anything worse than a 3 pound gain but that’s 8 over all and I go home feeling like I’m starting again – only this time I’m sad as well as determined. 156 lbs

Mar, Apr, May, Jun – Go back to Weight Watchers and lose 5 lbs in 4 months. But I’m at the gym a lot so my body is changing and I’m not frustrated by the slow weight loss. The net loss for 12 months is 21 pounds. 149 lbs And what a ride.

Jul, Aug, Sep, Oct – Back to Canada for the summer then return to the UK and Weight Watchers. I’m playing with the same pound or two. I’m no longer writing, not excited about the old Bootcamp board and in need of a change. I know that WW isn’t really the answer for me even though I love the people. I am faffing around and going nowhere – so I decide to start this blog. 150 lbs And then…..

Nov – I lose 7 pounds in a month and look great. I’ve also got chronic stomach issues and am once again flung back into the medical system. Looking for gall stones, they find “something” on my liver. Here we go again with the, “It’s been way too easy to lose weight, I’d better eat to make sure I’m not dying” thinking. 143 lbs And guess what?

Dec, Jan 2010 - It’s Christmas! And I’m eating to prove I’m not dying and I gain weight. This is not a pattern I expected to see. It’s very interesting that the two times I’ve been down towards the weight I want to be, I haven’t been well so I bounce away from it as fast as I can. 147 lbs

Feb, Mar & half of April – I sort of try but am pretty caught up in either seeing doctors or worrying about seeing doctors. I really do lose my mind when my health is out of wack. Lose 3 pounds – mostly in a couple of weeks where I paid attention. 144 lbs

Apr, May - I’m worried about the fact that I lost weight while feasting over Easter so yet another episode of “eat to prove I’m not dying”. Then back to Canada to sit alone in a house, not grieving this time but worrying about the thing on my liver. I have this mindset that, if something’s seriously wrong, then why bother with worrying about eating and exercise? I gain 5 pounds in the process. 149 lbs

May - There’s an awful lot of thinking about the weight loss process but not an awful lot of DOING. I’m tempted to call “failure!” but the fact is that I still didn’t gain significant weight. And this time, just seeing a couple of pounds up made me recommit to doing something for myself – to getting what I want rather than sitting around talking about what I want. 148 lbs

Jun, Jul (ie now) I decide to go for what I want and what I want is to weigh in the 130′s – anywhere in the 130′s will do. I also decide that, if I end up really sick, I want my body to be in the best shape it can be. (I’m still waiting on the official plan of action re: the liver) I’ve been running and feeling stronger and breathing better. I know that I can get results with the weight loss if I don’t let my social life get in the way. Today I weigh 145 lbs.

And that’s the show so far. Two and a half years from seeing that 170 on my scales. Two years from deciding to write about the process of stopping the weight loss/weight gain pendulum.

Have I stopped the pendulum? Not completely, but the swings are much much smaller than they were two years ago.

I know that a 25 pound weight loss doesn’t happen on a straight road. Life means curves, switchbacks, deadends and hellish hairpin bends.
I no longer do “all or nothing”.
I no longer think in terms of on and off wagons.
I know (boy do I know) that life just gets in the way sometimes.
I know that it’s possible to keep going anyway.
I know that sometimes weight will apparently fall off me – usually when I’m stressed.
I know that exercise helps me stay emotionally balanced.
I know that I can do this.

I have every intention of being where I want to be when the calendar ticks over to 2011. God willing. Health willing.

Am I the least bit embarrassed that it could take 3 years to lose 30 lbs?

No! Just incredibly grateful for the chance to sort out issues which have affected my life since childhood. And, when I say “sort out”, that doesn’t mean I have illusions of perfection. It means I know it’s possible to be sane and balanced and content with my body and my eating.

“Peace not perfection” is the slow weight loss motto.

Last 10 Pounds 29&30/42

Exercise, Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jul 122010

Le weekend is over again. How does that happen?

It went well: socially fun, foodly balanced, exercisedly active. And, even though I picked Holland from the beginning, the right team won the World Cup.

The foodly balanced social time was a huge bonus for me. I did that classic WW thing and looked at the menu online before I went, made my choices BEFORE the wine was poured, and stuck to them – alway crucial, that one.

The conversation was great, alcohol was limited in the best way, and there were jugs of water on the table (still not that usual in the UK). It was a truly lovely evening. Must learn to repeat that behaviour……….

Yesterday friends phoned to go for a quick walk. The husband’s spine is in a bad way so it had to be something fairly sedate. Luckily we live in the land of urban seaside walks so a dash (slow dash) around a marine lake did the trick – followed by half pint at the pub. One just about paid for the other but it was worth getting away from the work sitting on my dining room table. (Note – put office back into functional position this week.)

Exercise? I managed to run 2.1 miles without stopping. Well, except for a quick 20ft walk to catch breath at the top of a hill but I’ve decided to ignore that. I didn’t get any faster over the whole 3 miles than when I alternate running and walking, so I guess that jog was pretty slow, but it felt like I was finally getting somewhere with my lungs.

So that’s my question:

What is it that makes you (as in me) stop exercising at a given point? I’ve tried to work it out as I come to the place where I HAVE TO stop running.

Is it the lungs?
Is it the heart?
Is it the legs?

The husband says it’s the brain. I have to say, ever since he said that, I’ve been pushing myself that little bit harder and getting further and further before I stop so maybe he’s right.

I’ve also been making plans for when I’m away for 6 weeks this summer. I can tell you from here that I probably won’t be a dedicated with the running. Is that self-defeating? Probably.

HOLD IT! I was going to excuse myself from running on the grounds that running looks weird in the little rural village where I will spend the summer. Really? And how “weird” will it be to come back to the UK in September and not be able to run a mile? How much do I want what I say I want? Enough to risk looking a little strange to some locals who just happen to think that running when there’s no one chasing is a futile activity?

Sigh. Yes. And, of course, I’ve got the magic hat & sunglass disguise so they’ll never know who it is anyway. Seriously, I run past people I know all the time and they never notice. Walking, they tend to see me – I must be faster than I thought.

Well that little motivational self-talk wasn’t what I was expecting….now on with the week.

Muscle Memory v Fat Cell Memory – Last 10 lbs

Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jul 082010

As I was trotting along today, I had a bit of a wonder about which is the stronger influence in my life.

I am very greatful that I was brought up with the expectation that girls should be sporty. Because of that, I know what it feels like to be fit and I know how good it feels to stress your lungs and heart and legs.

But I was also a fat child. I know what it feels like to eat 3 peanut butter sandwiches watching tv after school out of stress and boredom and then still eat dinner when everyone else gets home.

From about the age of eight there was constant battle in my life between fatness and fitness.

And now I read that, because I’ve always got back to running in some way or another since I was a teenager, my muscles just remember what it’s like to run and keep running. My heart and lungs may be deconditioned and my legs may feel weak but there’s a “just rightness” about putting one foot in front of the other over a distance. So my muscle memory means that I’ll never feel like a complete novice at running even if my times and distances fall into that category.

But I also read that my fat cell population was decided in adolescence and will never change no matter how much weight I lose or how much exercise I do. So, basically, there IS a fat woman inside of me trying to get out. I can shrink my fat cells but I can’t decrease their numbers so the potential for obesity is always with me.

My conclusion? It’s more important to me than ever to get the head and heart part of this battle on the side of the muscle memory. That’s the only way to overcome that propensity for fat established during my daily peanut butter and Bonanza appointments.

I’ll keep talking as long as I need to.

Stress Management – Last 10lbs 24/42

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jul 062010

I think I need to chill out and declare this a maintenance week.

I’m not giving up. I’m not caving in. I’m not bingeing.

I am acknowledging that I’m stressed to the gills and keeping tight reins on the calories is just asking for a volcanic eruption of rebellion and frustration. So, and this is an interesting so for me, I’m going to eat a bit more every day.

That’s more than I need to eat to lose weight – but not more than I need to live.

This is the first time I’ve attempted this as a means of stress management. Usually I just say, “What the hell”, and eat until the week starts again or the stress lets up or until I gain the weight back and have to do it all again.

So I’m eating to manage stress this week which means not letting myself get too hungry and not worrying if I eat an extra piece of bread or 10 extra grams of peanut butter. It doesn’t mean eating a tub of ice-cream.

It also doesn’t mean becoming a slug. I hate to admit that anyone is right (besides me) but I have to acknowledge that I feel so much better when I get out and stress my legs and lungs and heart. I’m up to 11 miles this week and will try to do another 5 before Saturday.

I’ve got 3 deadlines to meet this week as well as a training I haven’t yet planned, a birthday dinner and a hospital appointment and it’s all making me not sleep very well. So I will care for my body, spend time with people I love, work hard and RUN.

I won’t be thinking of 139 this week – but I also won’t weigh more than 148 when it’s all over. And I will get it all done and wake up on Saturday feeling 100 pounds lighter, even if I haven’t actually lost any weight.

Promise. I refuse to go backwards because of stress.

Older Entries Newer Entries

Talking It Off

More Thoughts on Family

Getting Perspective

Coming Back from a Binge – Last 10lbs

More Self Analysis

The Perfect Bingeing Storm – Last 10 lbs

Why?

More On Slow Dieting – Last 10lbs

Last 10 Pounds 29&30/42

Muscle Memory v Fat Cell Memory – Last 10 lbs

Stress Management – Last 10lbs 24/42

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