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I have found the “tare button” on my weight loss week and though I know there is a crate-load of calories already in my journal, I have “zeroed” it for my sanity.

Last week I came to the conclusion that the only way to avoid sugar was to avoid sugar. (Deep, I know).

So how did I end up with the leftovers of a baked cheesecake in my fridge for 24 looooooong hours?

I was being nice, and sensible and rational, honest.  But while I can be all those things when other people are around, I find it hard to find reason when I just want to cram cheesecake down my gullet.  It’s not nice or sensible but it’s reality.

Fact: I love baked cheesecake but I don’t think about it.

Fact: I have not once in the past, oh, twenty years craved cheesecake, made cheesecake or bought cheesecake.

Fact: Proximity makes a mockery of avoidance.

I’m not sure that last sentence makes sense but I like the sound of it.  The FACT is that having a cheesecake in my fridge over-rides the fact that I don’t have any particular desire to ever eat cheesecake.

I believe this alone points to a diagnosis of disordered eating.  And no matter how “ordered” I have managed to get my eating over the past 2 years, I can fall into a vat of cheesecake with the most disordered of disordered eaters.

Have I said cheesecake enough?

I think it’s out of my system now so I won’t say it anymore.

And I’m going to take a break from weekday wine for a bit too.  It’s time to get more nutrition for my calories.  But more of that tomorrow.

 
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Half way through the 42 days of hard work and it looks like I’m going to be settling for around a pound per week.  Considering the number of days away and the anniversary celebrations, I’m going to accept that with positive fortitude and look forward to weighing 3 pounds less in 3 week’s time.

But it will still take some hard work to get what I want – which is to weigh under 10 stone (140lbs) even if just for a bit.

I just made myself chuckle reading a bit of an old post:

Now – if my house had had any junk food at all, the outcome would have been different.  But I suppose that’s another measure of how far we’ve come in our family eating habits.  There was a time when, after dinner,  we’d get that wicked co-dependent glint in our eyes and someone would be on a junk food run before you could say “how many points in a giant Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar?”  But it didn’t even cross our minds yesterday as we snuggled down on the sofa for the evening.

Oh dear – that’s kind of depressing.  It reminds of my first ever Weight Watchers leaders.  And I sort of hated them.  But that’s another story.

My first ever WW leaders were a couple.  She led the meetings and he did all the booking in etc.  We met in a tiny room at the local legion and they were two of the least inspiring people I’d ever met in my admittedly short 18 years on earth.  I know it must have been hard being a liver pusher but there was just no sympathy whatsoever. “WE” eat liver so you can too. (Well, no, really I can’t – not even an little bit.)

I remember them as very thin and very pale.

To be fair (sorry for that cliché but it’s heart felt).  To be fair, they had lost vast amounts of weight between them and kept if off for 20 years.

But the detail that sticks out most in my mind was the fact that every single night for 20 years they had put skimmed milk and raspberries in a blender, whizzed them up and drunk them together in front of the tv.  Every night for 20 years!

It made me pity and hate them in equal measures.

It was so regimented and awful and I always came away thinking, “I’ll never be that boring so I might as well quit now.” And I did.

I was thinking about that a little as I wrote yesterday’s post.  Whenever I talk about improvements in my diet or changes in taste, it’s never something that has just been a decision and happened over night.  It’s all been a gradual shift from one way of eating and to another.  That’s the blessing of accidentally falling into Slow Dieting; it gives you time to turn the aircraft carrier that is a lifetime of eating in a way that makes you fat.

Am I frustrated with a pound a week?  Yep.  I’d love to lose 2 per week and just get this over with.

Do I know that I’m exercising tons and losing inches and that I should shut up about the pounds lost and look at the big picture?  Yep – that too.

Am I still heading for 139 as opposed to some fitness goal?  Yep – I never said I was sane.

Am I going to eat liver and whizz up skimmed milk in the blender?  Not this week but you never know……desperate measures and all that.

 
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The anniversary dinner was wonderful. I did have the butternut squash and goat cheese lasagne which was served with a perfect salad with a few olives for a little salty in all that creamy. I just shouldn’t have had the dessert – not because I regret the calories, but because anything that rich now makes me feel quite sick. Must remember to SHARE or just have a decaf cappucino and be done with it.

Live and learn – again and again and again.

Yesterday someone asked how I managed to avoid sugar.

My thought was, “I don’t know”. I mean, I still look longingly at giant bars of Green&Black’s butterscotch chocolate and know that I could eat a whole one in the car on my way home from the grocery store. (It’s been done.)  I ate a HUGE piece of Billy Miner Pie at my birthday dinner and could probably still eat ice cream for breakfast without too much encouragement. I definitely make and eat “medicine” (our name for chocolate/oat/peanut butter treats) when I’m hormonal.

That said, I guess I don’t really crave sugar very often but it wasn’t a cold turkey type of thing.  Instead, I think we’ve made small changes over a long time. Here are all the things that may be making a difference:

  • We haven’t eaten dessert for years and don’t miss it at all. It just doesn’t figure in our food planning.
  • I talked myself out of all but fairly traded chocolate when the issue of child slaves came to light.  That means I have to go and find it in the chocolate aisle so there’s none of that last second picking up chocolate at the till.
  • I talked myself out of hydrogenated oils so out went almost any packaged baked goods.  That means cookies have to be baked rather than pulled out of the package.
  • I figured out I was reacting to artificial sweeteners so stopped all diet drinks. No more rashes and cystic spots on my chin.
  • I realised that apparently healthy cereals like Bran Flakes and Special K are sweet enough that I need to treat tham like cookies.  In fact, I just avoid them alltogether in favour of porridge in the morning.
  • White breads and pastas, though not sweet, are rare things now too – not banned per se but considered treats.
  • Finally, I stopped eating almost anything that was low fat.

That makes me wonder about the diet industry in general.  I’m more and more convinced that it’s a myth that you can lose weight and keep it off if you eat a lot of low fat products and sugar substitutes.  Better to learn to love strong and interesting flavours than to just eat “diet versions” of the same old foods.

I think that to get sugar out of your life, you actually have to lose your taste for it.  For me, that means no more junk in the house – even “lite” versions of sugary treats.

It means rooting out hidden sugar and relegating “real” sugar back to treat status where it belongs.

And reclaiming the idea of a “treat” as something that happens only once in a while.

Now- I’m wondering if anyone will ever ask me how I mange to avoid wine. :-)

 
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Yesterday was another easy day and I can’t quite pinpoint why.  Easy?

Easy as in not stomach hungry except at normal, predictable times, and not emotionally hungry at all really.  One thought is that it might be the exercise effect as mentioned yesterday.  The other possibility is that I’m having a hormonally neutral month – or maybe all this walking & running is just levelling out the effects of hormones.  The next two weeks will tell!

I’m getting in the swing of thinking ahead about meals. Moi?  Planning?  Who’d have thought.

Now this may unravel as I switch countries again in August but I’m enjoying having a whole week of breakfasts and lunches planned and pretty much devoid of choice.  This week, I will eat all of the following between 7 am and about 4 pm, spread out any way that fits with both my appetite and my schedule:

  • coffee (first things first!)
  • porridge with yogourt (blueberries if I want)
  • 2 ryvitas with marmalade
  • 2 or 3 mugs of tea
  • cottage cheese – usually plain – this has never been “diet” food for me, just like it that way.
  • 2 more ryvitas – usually spread with the plain cottage cheese
  • carrots or peppers or fruit as available

I will add more food if I’ve done a 4 or 5 mile walk/run, usually a banana with peanut butter.

It’s taken me a long time to understand the benefit of 6 small meals rather than 3 large ones but I’ve finally figured out how to make grazing work for me. To fit our preferred lifestyle, I eat about 4 times during the day then have a good sized evening meal with a glass of wine.  Eating normally with loved ones after a day of work is too important to sacrfice for the sake of weight loss.  We usually eat between 7 and 8 and, except for a cup of tea, that’s it for the day.

This has just highlighted something for me: we don’t snack in the evening anymore.  In fact, on Saturday we decided to pick up something for watching football and then forgot to do it and I didn’t even notice until just now – Monday morning.  Strange indeed.

I’m guessing that this is one of the positive sides of empty nesting- nil junk food- but still, it’s amazing to me that this could just disappear after a lifetime of needing something to nibble while watching television.

I suppose my biggest lesson learned over the past two years is that I can change – even habits that have been entrenched for years and years.

Now, if I could just make exercise an easy habit rather than a daily challenge……..

 
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The weekend is drawing to a close so I thought I’d better check in.  Even though the eating is pretty perfect and the exercise is better than ever, I’m not losing weight.

However – rather than panic or chuck it all in, I’m going to keep doing what I know I should be doing and see what happens this week. I’m feeling bizarrely peaceful about it all so will just accept and keep going. I think it might be the exercise effect. There is no doubt that daily exercise improves my mood.

Shall I say that again but a little louder?

There is no doubt that daily exercise improves my mood.

Judging from recent experience, it also improves my digestive system and my work ethic and my marriage. Who knew?

And yet…….I still cynically wonder when it will all fall apart. But I’m not worrying about that now.  I’ve got five weeks till I leave for Canada.  I will work hard and do what I need to do until then.

Back to the football.  England may have crashed out but Argentina is more entertaining anyway.

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We had a beautful salad last night with hot smoked peppered salmon (not just any hot smoked peppered salmon), very dark green and purple lettuces, vine tomatoes, red pepper and cucumber.   I would normally also add fresh blueberries and toasted almonds but was out of the former and looked up the caloric content of the the latter.

I would normally add about 60g (2 oz) because they are so lovely but that adds 160 calories to each portion. I know that almonds are a great source of good things but, frankly, I’d rather have my glass of wine, knowing that I’ve had loads of protein and “good things” in the fish.

The husband commented on the lack of almonds and I found myself coming up with a sensible answer.

Basically – that’s exactly the kind of thing we can add back into our diet once the last 10 pounds are off.  Previously I might have added back something like a couple of cookies with a cup of tea – but almonds in the salad are so much better and so much nicer to think of.  And so much less likely to be overeaten when there’s no salad in sight.

But I was going to write about accountability.  This is just to say that we’ve been invited out for dinner tomorrow. It is completely outside my personality to ask ahead what we’ll be having – and, yes, even when the food is being prepared by one of my closest friends on the planet.  Instead, I need a plan to stick to.

  • I’ve already volunteered to bring the veggie platter for snacking and playing cards later.
  • I’m in the exercise groove this week and am aiming for a 5 mile walk/run today and 3 miles tomorrow.
  • Wine: 2 glasses – and bring 2 bottles of perrier or similar.
  • Portions: small and fill up plate with veg.
  • Dessert: mint tea?  Can I do it?  We’ll see.  I might have a small portion.

Does it matter?  Well it turns out I really did undo last week’s hard work with one silly weekend so, yes, it matters.

A picture just flashed into my head of my childhood snakes and ladders game.

As much as I hate the “good/bad” language of weight loss, I also hate the “undo it all” weekend experience.  So I’m not going to undo it all this weekend.  That’s a promise to myself.

 
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The scale says I spent the weekend undoing all my previous hard work. I’m doubting that but it was a teeny poke in the ribs to wake up and do what I want to do.

Yesterday wasn’t superb as far as behaviour but I did haul my most unwilling body off the sofa and go for a 5 mile walk. I didn’t run at all and even my music was the stuff that I normally use for stretching and cooling down. I’m relieved to find that my new 5 mile route can be used for relaxing as well as killing my lungs.

But this morning I realised what has been missing for the past couple of days: I’ve been thinking about all the “shoulds” of this process but haven’t once thought about what it is that I really want. Not once.

So today I’m thinking about 139. That’s what I want. That’s what I want.

Here’s a London experience that shows how far I have to go with that.

The husband and I went to a pub where I settled on the patio and he went and asked for a glass of Merlot and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. They were surprisingly nice for pub wines. After dinner, I went to the bar and asked for exactly the same thing – only I came back with undrinkable swill. Honestly.

I furiously decided just to drink mine but the husband took his back and returned with a glass of the good stuff. It was a real crisis moment for me. I knew exactly what I wanted but I equally knew that I didn’t want to go through the hassle and embarrassment of getting it. I sat with the glass of wine for about half an hour before I finally got up the nerve. But I did it. I suffered the patronizing bartender (who had exchanged the man’s wine with an apology! grrrr) and I drank the whole glass even though I didn’t actually want it by then.

So this 139 project is a little part of a big thing in my life. I was raised by good people who were horrified by ambition of any kind and “getting what you want” just didn’t feature in life. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t want to become selfish and this is all tempered for me with “God willing” and with a big concern for how my life impacts the lives of others. But not living up to your potential because you don’t want to look ambitious or successful is another kind of selfish.

So weight is big but what I’m working on has implications for the rest of my life too. 139 is a symbol for who I want to be.

A post-script thought which just hit me like a bolt from the blue:

For anyone inclined this way, have a look at Psalm 139. This is what draws the line between “realising potential” and “selfish ambition” and keeps 139 entirely in perspective.

 
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I’m not reporting in arrears today, rather, “As It Happens”.

Much has been said about triggers for eating.

stress

hormones

anger

grief

and the rest.

But today I want to talk to you about The Hangover. I don’t drink more than two glasses of wine very often any more because the next morning dawns with a ripping headache and a desire for nothing except lying a still as possible on the sofa.

In the dark.

It lasts till about noon and then I can go about my day – but, by then, the eating is usually shot.

I’m saying all this because I’m feeling much better now – thank you for asking – and I can decide that it’s all shot to hell or I can reign it in and replenish the nutrition I swamped out of my body last night.

That’s about all I can manage for now.  Time for another large mug of tea.

 
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I’ve been at a conference so my brain is full and I’ve got all sorts of feedback to give people and it’s Friday. (The Friday issue may be the key to my lack of brain power at the moment.)

So this will be short.  I did very well until I let myself get too hungry and lost the plot between 4 and 10 pm on Wednesday.  Quite a lot of plot-losing can happen in 6 hours.

Yesterday was fine because I was in a conference all day, drinking loads of water and not touching the biscuits at break time or the desserts at lunch.  Unbelievably, the food was lovely so I did eat well and managed to wait until 9pm to eat dinner.

So it’s back to losing mode today.

I think I’ve decided that, even when I really really want to lose excess pounds, it’s more sane to agree to maintaining rather than attempting to lose while I’m out of town.  Sanity is more important than a couple of ounces off and I’m pretty sure that a decision to “do my best” leads to more sensible behaviour than the expectation to accomplish the impossible and lose weight while eating out for two days. I will test this hyposthesis next time I’m working away and report back with my findings.

OK – better go find some mental energy to get back to work.  I’d rather curl up with a book but emails beckon.

 
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So.

Did I have enough calories for eating what I ate yesterday?  Yes – with lots left over.

Did I binge?  Nope – bingeing doesn’t happen often anymore.

Was I stuffed full?  No.

Was I happy with my eating?  Sadly, no.

In a normal “diet” just scraping by with the right numbers is fine. However, in the battle for food/body sanity, there are a couple of mindsets that still bother me and yesterday I fought one of them all day.

It was the, “I really want to do this but I’m going away so it’s going to be difficult so I might as well blow it today so blowing it tomorrow doesn’t ruin a nice break” mindset – or, slightly more pithy: “the sabotage now and avoid the rush” mindset.

It’s an old one and at least I know when it’s happening but it’s a mighty strong current which drags me towards more food and drink than I need.  If I wasn’t battling to work hard and take off these last 10 pounds, then I suppose there would be no such thing.  You can’t sabotage normal, can you?

But I’m under no illusion that I’m eating normally right now.  I’m eating to lose weight while not making myself a social outcast and that’s a narrow road to walk.

So I survived yesterday but battled and battled and battled.  I had also banked enough calories to allow myself a nice dinner out but have slightly dented that balance.

This has got to be short as there’s lots to do before we hit the road. I’ll report back on Days 5 and 6.

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