Thoughts on the Process » Talking It Off

Getting What I Want

Jun 122010

I speak for women in general and myself in particular when I say that we’re not always very good at deciding what we want and going for it. I suspect that, for me, I don’t dare to be ambitious because the risk of failure is too high. There’s certainly an element of that in my professional life, but what about in my relationship with with food and my body?

Am I really afraid of failure? I have failed and survived to tell the tale so many times that it shouldn’t be a big deterrent. Maybe it’s that I’ve failed so many many times at this that I picture failure rather than success right from the outset. I say what I want but I picture all the reasons that I won’t get there.

I have no idea why this little insight has popped up today and not before. But it popped into my head when I was trying to think of what it is that I REALLY want right now from this body/food project and my thought was that I REALLY want to look at the scale and see a number that starts with 13…..

I hate to be that shallow. I hate to be that scale oriented. But still…..that’s what I want before I want to run 10k or have low cholesterol or a healthy waist size. And I do want all those things but they’re not what I REALLY WANT RIGHT NOW.

I want to weigh less than 140 pounds so I’m going to achieve it.

That’s a brave statement which, rather uncomfortably, leaves me open to failure.

It’s almost two years since I started heading towards something. My last post pointed out that the number I was heading for isn’t exactly where I want to be. But I didn’t say this: I’m afraid that, if I get to where I want to be, I might have to re-invent myself as a thin person.

When I was very nearly down to 140, my daughter looked at me and said, “I’ve never had a thin mum before and you’re a thin mum!” Of course, thanks to years of body image insanity, that sent me into a tailspin. Sigh.

So it’s what I say I want but I have to give myself time when I get there to adjust my own perceptions of who I am and what I think I should look like.

Will I have to re-invent myself? I just don’t know – maybe.

Will I have to find something else to blog about? I guess I could blog about reinventing myself as thin person.

Will I find out that people don’t really care one way or another how big or small I am? Probably.

But that’s all jumping the gun and worrying about the finish at the start line. Instead of worrying about what’s at the end of this journey, I’m going to focus on what I want RIGHT NOW. All day long I’m going to picture myself stepping on the scale and seeing the number 139. Simple. I’m going to plan, portion, journal and think about that number – not anything else – and see where it takes me.

Perspective

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Jun 072010

Do you ever scare yourself by looking at your face in the mirror too closely? It’s usually while I’m putting on makeup that I notice every crease and wrinkle. And let’s not even start a conversation about the horrors waiting in the magnified version – especially relating to stray hairs.

Anyway – the point is that, until you step away from the mirror and look at the whole picture, it’s very difficult to see what you actually look like.

A woman is much much more (and better) than the sum of her flaws.

Back in January 2008, when I weighed 170lbs, I set a goal weight in my head. After many years in this country I have to acknowledge that I still don’t know my 14 times table but I do know that 10 stone is 140 pounds. That was my goal in my 30s so I stuck a half stone on there for a realistic weight to head towards.

Two and a half years later I find myself really unhappy with my body as reflected in my weight. Why? Because I’m staring at the numbers and seeing the flaws rather than standing back and getting a realistic picture.

one step
two steps
three steps (away from the numbers)

OK. Here’s the new perspective.

My original goal weight was 147 lbs. This morning I weight 147.2 lbs. I’m still there, so congratulate and celebrate!

Yes, I’m flabby around the middle. And that would be because I haven’t been walking and running and weight training. My choice; my consequence.

Do I want to weigh less than I do now? Yes

Am I going to do what it takes to get there? Hmmmmmm. Well, why not?

But I want to do this from a positive rather than a negative place. I’m absolutely fine and healthy the way I am but I’m interested to know what I look like with that last half stone off. I’m interested to know whether or not I can maintain that weight with my present trans-continental life.

If I get down to 140lbs then find that I just can’t stay there, would someone PLEASE remind me that 147 is just fine? That I can enjoy life and food and still maintain this weight? That I can walk and run at this weight? That I can still find clothes at this weight? That I’m not BIG at this weight?

OK – now I’ve got the perspective I need to do this last bit of hard work. And it will be hard work. The husband wants to come along for the ride and take off a few pounds too. So, as soon as I get back from a couple of days away working, I’m going to start this last leg in earnest and look foward to seeing what summer looks and feels like a little bit lighter.

1 Day

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Jun 022010

As opposed to Day 1. I’ve had a lot of those, but this is Day Countless and I’m happy with that.

In between masses of work related things to do and life related things to do, I’ve been thinking and observing.

Observing first:

The eating while waiting for the kettle to boil is a THING. Really. I had to stop myself several times from mindlessly eating while standing there at the counter. I ashamed to admit that because, in my head, I’m very critical of people who use the phrase “mindless eating” but I just did and I meant it. So there’s more work ahead.

Thinking:

There was an article in the Times (London, not New York) which I initially ignored because I thought I knew what it was going to say. It was about developing a female version of viagra to “fix” the problem (that should have inverted commas too) of lack of libido in women.

When I got round to reading it and all the commentaries, I found that the most popular view was “RUBBISH! What women need is to feel comfortable in their own skin.” There are so many links that I can’t choose just one – so go to timesonline.co.uk and have a look around. (But hurry because it’s going to become a pay only site this month.)

Anyway the thing I read again and again was that this is NOT a medical issue but a matter of women being confident in their bodies. And this led me to thinking more about why I want to lose more weight. Or do I?

I’m currently reasonably happy with my size. I’m medium and it’s not a huge effort to stay this way. I’m curious to know what I’d feel like as a “skinny mini” – say another 10 pounds down – but I’m not unhappy. That said, I still don’t feel like I’ve arrived at where I thought I was going. I’m not under 140lbs. In fact, I’m barely under 150lbs right now.

But is where I thought I was going going to make me healthier, happier, anything-ier? I wonder.

It’s evening now and my day of observing and thinking is drawing to an end. Not because it’s bedtime but because I need to go and have a revoltingly happy gossip session with some women friends – one of whom will notice and ask about my weight and two of whom will not.

Friends who notice your weight. That’s another post.

More Habits

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Jun 012010

OK. I’ve spent the past few days observing a bad habit but not doing anything about it. Literally, as I’ve been wiping crumbs from the edge of my mouth, I’ve been thinking, “I should do something about that” – but I don’t.

Today is the day.

Observe:

I need/want a cup of tea.
I go downstairs and put the kettle on.
It starts to make that heating up noise that only fast British kettles can make. They are fast.
In the time is takes to boil enough water for a cup of tea, I get out the cracker container and reach up and get the peanut butter/honey/jam/whatever.
I pour the water over the teabag.
While the tea is brewing I make and eat a small pb on cracker sandwich.
I put milk in tea and think, “I’m hungry – think I’ll make a couple more of those to eat while I’m drinking my tea.”

Put like that it looks silly and irrelevant but if I do this just twice a day, 4 days per week, it amounts to more than 60,000 extra calories per year. Extra – over and above what I need to live a healthy active life.

SO – today is that day I do something else during the boiling/brewing waiting times. I’ll let you know what it turns out to be.

Wow….I Feel Used

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May 252010

Back in February I wrote about a Times article which quoted weight loss advice offered by a few professionals in the field. I took exception to one of the experts:

Hala El-Shafie says: Diets set you up to fail; they should be banned. Eat small amounts of the right food. Eat regularly and well. Get moving: exercise helps. Think about why you eat. Accept your body shape and who you are; size 8 (4 US) jeans will not necessarily make you happy.

Essentially I thought what she was calling “not dieting” was, for most people, a diet. Other than that, I absolutely agree with all of the above.

Recently, someone who has used and benefitted from her services commented that I was being unfair. If you’ve got this far, you might as well read the whole thing.

It all sounded good until Jenniferjelly posted another (nice) comment with a link to the the clinic. A quick look at the site seems to say that it’s all about bariatric surgery. What?

Learning to eat smaller portions? Yes!

Because my stomach is itself a tiny portion of what it was? Um, No!

The sad thing is that I think Hala El-Shafie probably really does help people like me deal with food issues but her website is almost all about bariatric surgery. Sheesh. I feel like I’ve been used for advertising something I don’t like.

Anyway – I’ll keep the comments at least until we see how the “nutrition rocks” website pans out. It could be great. It could be a further ploy to sell the services of an expensive private bariatric surgery clinic.

(And I DO know that bariatric surgery is the final life-saving answer for some. I also know that plastic surgery is life-saving and life-giving for those who have been disfigured but I don’t approve of marketing it to the general public so they can have bigger breasts.)

Looking forward to seeing if this turns out to be positive or negative in the end.

Diet Blog Hell

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

May 242010

I have become the blogger I hate.

It is tempting, day after day, to whinge on about needing “to get back in the game”.

So now, as my mother would say, it’s time to pee or get off the pot.

I wrote that this morning then closed it up and thought about how unhappy I was feeling. It’s not all bad: part of me is singing in the sunshine but part of me is wanting to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep.

Then my new Blackberry arrived by courier so at least I could put my “to do” list off by a couple of hours while I sorted our the new toy. (not thrilled with the dinkiness of it but it’s got some nice features to make up for that)

Then I figured I’d make this the day to move a little. Exercising is like drinking instead of eating. Everyone always says to have a glass of water when you think you want to snack because you’re probably really just thristy. I have chosen, for no good reason at all, to ignore that advice even though it is most like true.

I have also chosen, by and large, to ignore the advice that exercise improves one’s mood – even though I know this to be true from experience. But today I decided I needed every little endorphin I could get my brains on so I put on the “cloak of invisibility” and headed out into the sunshine.

I’m not sure I feel better but I certainly don’t feel worse which has to be a good thing and I felt really good while I was actually walking. I’m not sure why I’m so exhausted now though.

Anyway – I did some of what I set out to do today. I “took care of myself” not by being lazy and fat but by moving and eating carefully. A good first step on the road I wish to travel.

Moving On from BCB

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May 072010

I’m a change addict. I love a new day, a fresh start, a clean slate and every other cliché you can throw at me.

But change isn’t always pain free.

Take the recent events over at BCB. During a much needed, but perhaps not completely well thought out, spring cleaning of the boards, my whole little part of the community was wiped out. Literally all our posts from forever were accidentally lost. When some of my friends commented (and I never saw what they said), they were permanently banned from the boards.

What to do? I have years and years of history there and can honestly say that the BCB mind set was the first step towards learning to take and keep weight off.

But I have exactly the same number of years history with those particular individuals, some of whom post here too. For a couple of days I lurked at the new board and tried to find a place but just couldn’t summon up the enthusiasm to make new “friends” when the people I had connected with were elsewhere. So I decided to join the crew at our invite-only facebook group.

Exclusive? Yep – but lots of people are over there and we’re still supporting each other and working through the issues that trip us up every day.

I still think BCB should be the first port of call for anyone who feels stuck on the weight loss roller coaster – for anyone who feels weak and powerless in the face of chocolate – for anyone who needs a good kick in the pants. For that reason, I’ll leave the link here, but I won’t be back because it’s time to move on.

Stating the Obvious

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May 042010

Ready?

Eating well makes your whole body feel better.

Obvious? Yes.

Needs to be re-learned on a regular basis? Yes.

Not drinking wine is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

Not filling up on carbs is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

I don’t need to go on but I will….

Cooking porridge is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

Snacking on baby carrots rather than crackers is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

Drinking only plain mint tea in the evenings is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

Measuring anything at all is a sacrifice on the one hand but a bonus on the other.

And on non-eating topics:

Tackling that email/cleaning/budget/phone call/procrastinated work project is a sacrifice on the one hand but a giant life-giving bonus on the other.

So here’s to another day of more of the same.

Stepping Out

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May 022010

New month and a fresh start.

I’ve gained several pounds and am going to take them off. I think I’ll just post my daily weight here à la Bridget Jones.

Day 1
weight: 149lbs
units of alcohol: 0 This is in arrears for yesterday, just in case anyone was worrying.

I have a feeling that will only last a couple of days – but I might as well give myself a structured start or I’m going to put on another 7 then another and and and, voilà, I’m back to where I started. And not happy.

Laziness is my worst personality trait along with over-thinking things that I should just let go. So here’s to a fresh start at a concerted effort to push through the laziness barrier and do the things that I don’t feel like doing. Take the walk, make the phone call, cook the porridge, lift the weights. And, most importantly, come here to write and be accountable to myself and the tiny community that reads this. It does make a difference to know that people are reading and watching the process.

Really – it’s not hard and I have a pretty marvellous life. I just need to somehow get past those times when I find myself paralysed my stress and indecision. I’m 49 years old and “doing the right thing” still doesn’t come naturally to me, as long as I’m the only one to suffer from my negative behaviour.

So, for today, and one day at a time for the foreseeable future, I’m going to do the right thing for myself.

Back to Baby Steps

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Apr 272010

I’m sagging a little beneath the weight of the crises of the people around me. What I thought was going to be some time “away” has turned into time “sharing the burden” with the nearest and the dearest.

And for me, a melt-down once removed is still a melt-down.

However – the day following the shared melt-down was lovely and I found myself making decisions about what was going into my mouth rather than being caught in the stuff/regret cycle.

Went out for a late breakfast on Sunday and actually paid attention when told that the portions were huge and got only a half order of Eggs Flo-Benedict: one egg, one English muffin, piles of spinach, a sprinkling of feta and hollandaise on the side. Chuck on some non-greasy home fries and a couple mugs of coffee and I was ready for the rest of the day. I even left some potatoes.

If I’d had the whole portion, I probably would have eaten all the potatoes because, well, what the hell, eh?

Then we walked – strolled really – but used our feet to cover a a few miles, mooch at the market, drift in and out of art studios, pottery studios, paper studios and, of course, the hat store where the daughter has been trying on hats since she could whine and point. Fun.

It felt good to take that baby step. I’ve also managed to get back into my “no food on the ferry” routine. There are cheap refined carbs at every turn in this place and it’s hard to always pass them by buy I don’t think I have a choice any longer.

Then, just when I was talking myself into the best pizza on earth, I found myself turning into the grocery store. Tired and hungry I headed straight for the candied salmon – a locally produced delicacy – and, for the first time read the nutritional information. Four pieces have 180 calories. I eat at least 12 pieces when I have it. Maybe not the best choice. Instead, I got some other locally smoked salmon for half the calories and a third the price and had a smoked salmon salad feast with a couple of new potatoes. Lovely.

And the last baby step: I bought no wine.

And on that note, I’d better run.

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Talking It Off

Getting What I Want

Perspective

1 Day

More Habits

Wow….I Feel Used

Diet Blog Hell

Moving On from BCB

Stating the Obvious

Stepping Out

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