Maybe it’s a sign of my desperation but I’m seriously considering attending a weight loss hypnosis seminar tomorrow. I’m struggling so badly with a lack of motivation and I need something to help me. I have tried rehearsing things in my head, reading motivational stories, I have the house food clean as much as possible etc. None of them are ‘taking’. If it’s not in the house I go out and get it. I’m binging on and off, pretty much whenever I get derailed and I’m getting derailed regularly. I don’t want to change from the Weight Watcher plan because I know it works and it’s practical for everyday life. I just need help on keeping me following it. I know that the meetings aren’t enough to work for me, so going back to meetings won’t help.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just throwing my money away. On the other hand, I quit smoking by using accupuncture, so I’m open to alternative therapies. I’ve done some ‘googling’ but of course there doesn’t seem to be any real consensus as to whether it works or not. I guess if it puts me into the frame of mind where I want to exercise and where I want to eliminate the starchy/sugar based foods then it might be worth the gamble.

The answer.  I thought I had an answer to the question of “feeling fat” but it turns out I only had some disjointed thoughts that didn’t sound all that sensible once written down but I may try later.

Instead I’ll bore on about stress management.

Yesterday went quite well as far as stress relief and food went.

• I walked and sorted out a few little niggling things.
• I bought enough food for two days – food that I can look forward to and that requires some preparation.
• I talked to the absent husband.
• I let myself get hungry then enjoyed feeding my body rather than my feelings.
• I did have a glass of wine but it was to go with dinner rather than to “relax”.
• I made some decisions.
• I snipped off a couple of dead branches in the garden.

Oh I hate reports of the “What I Did” variety – so here’s the incomplete thought about “feeling fat”.  I can’t trust what I see in the mirror, how my clothes fit, what the measuring tape says, the number on the scale.  When I’m determined to “feel fat”, the only thing I can do is ask myself which direction my behaviour with food is leading me.

Am I heading toward my goal of health and sanity or am I heading away from it?

Rather than putting any faith at all in “feelings” about these things, I am only going to assess how I’m acting.

• Am I more sane or less sane than I was yesterday?
• Am I more full or less full than I was yesterday?
• Have I moved more or less than I did yesterday?

And there can only be one of two responses:  I can keep doing what I’m doing because it’s positive or I can change what I’m doing because it’s negative.

I don’t get to beat myself up or wallow in temporary satisfaction.  I  bang on about hating when other people attach being “good” and “bad” to talking about eating but I realise that I do it in my head all the time.

Little steps on a long journey.

I didn’t notice #150 passing by so thought I’d pause to celebrate this milestone.  (pause, celebrate)

I got my hospital appointment for April 1st – two weeks from tomorrow.  I was doing pretty well up to that point but now I just feel sick.  Silly, really, because nothing is better or worse than before.  Whatever is or isn’t wrong with me still is or isn’t wrong.  In my logical world I get that.  But in my crazy head, I still feel worried.

Deep breaths.

I stumbled over this BBC article from a couple of weeks ago.  In my limbo state, this is exactly the kind of certainty that I would like.

• swab
• test
• You should eat this amount of protein and this amount of carbs and this amount of fat for maximum, effortless (I added that – it’s my fantasy) weight loss.

Simple.

I need simple right now.

I’m off to London for a couple of days.  It’s work but it should be distracting.  The husband is coming with me  – mostly because I don’t think he likes the idea of me careening down motorways at 80 mph when I’m stressed.  I have pointed out that I did it last week just fine but I’m happy for the company.  (And, actually, my driving was a bit loopy last week but I haven’t told him that.)

I’ve rebelliously put together a one hour workshop that does not contain even one powerpoint slide so I’m going to leave my laptop at home and read a book if I have any downtime.

Till the weekend then.

This whole battle can be boiled down to

• what?
• when?
• how much?

My normal “weight loss” day should look like this:

7 am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, banana

noon – 6 pm: soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, mug or tea

6 pm – bedtime : dinner with lots of veg, some carb and protein, a glass of wine, mineral water, decaf tea

My recent, “I can’t be bothered” day looks more like this:

7am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, cracker with peanut butter, banana

noon – 6pm : soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, piece of cheese, mug or tea, crackers, crackers, a couple more crackers.

6pm – bedtime: dinner with lots of veg, lots of carb and protein, 3 glasses of wine, mineral water, tea, crackers with butter & jam

The difference between losing weight and not is a few crackers,  a bit of cheese, a dollop of peanut butter, a couple teaspoons of butter and some extra wine.

What’s with me and crackers?

The bigger question is what’s with me and needing to feel full when I’m feeling stressed?

Today I’m going to experiment with noting both my emotional feelings and my hunger levels throughout the day.  I’m going to see what happens when I’m both stressed and hungry. I wonder if I really do just cease to exist? Or explode? Or fade away to nothing?

If I’m not back here tomorrow, you’ll know.

]]> http://www.talkingitoff.com/2010/03/16/stress-and-hunger/feed/ 0 http://www.talkingitoff.com/2010/03/02/good-week-yes-thanks-but-i-ate-like-a-pig/ http://www.talkingitoff.com/2010/03/02/good-week-yes-thanks-but-i-ate-like-a-pig/#comments Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:28:05 +0000 Millie http://www.talkingitoff.com/?p=1068

OK. I need the whole world to stop associating Good and Bad with eating. Really. Just like I managed to banish “fall off the wagon“, I want to stop saying things like, “I had a good week” to mean that I ate in a way that would lead to weight loss. And especially to ban “I had a bad week” to mean that I ate in a way that wouldn’t lead to weight loss. People say they had a “bad week” when, actually, they ate in a way that left their weight exactly as it was the week before.  What’s so BAD about that?

Much much worse are the phrases, “I was bad” and “I was good”.   I actually bite my tongue when I hear them.  But this is  (at least partly) my blog and I can be rude, right?  If you kill a kitten, you are bad.  If you eat 10 Mars Bars, you are a person with disordered eating.  If you kill the kitten because you ate 10 Mars Bars, you are sick.

OK  – so what am I going to say instead of “had a good week”?  This week,when asked, I tried, “I worked hard and it paid off”.  Not bad…   It’s what I meant, but there’s more.

Sometimes you work hard and it doesn’t pay off.

Or sometimes it’s all quite easy and you lose weight.

So I figure I need three measures:

• How easy it is from the inside.  In other words, did I have the motivation to eat well and move? Or was it struggle from the moment I woke up to keep my hands out of the crackers?

• How easy was it from the outside? Did my schedule accommodate going for walks and calm, planned meals at home or did I actually have a social life?

It’s that last situation that makes me struggle with the good/bad thing.  It’s GOOD to eat out with friends.  It’s GOOD to celebrate around a meal.  But all that goodness makes losing weight harder – at least for that week.

• Given the above, how hard did I work to lose weight?

If I was going to make this a graph, I’d have two axes- the lines, not the chopping things.  One would chart the hard/easy side of life – an average of the first two questions above.  The second would chart my own effort – from working hard to slacking off completely.

But how do I boil all that down into a one sentence answer?

• Q: Did you have a good week?
• A: Yes thanks; it was hard to eat well on nights out and to find time to exercise but I worked hard and it paid off.

• Q: Did you have a good week?
• A: It was kind of boring but that made it easier to lose weight.

• Q: Did you have a good week?
• It was dreadful – my car/guinea pig/favourite shoes died.  I had no motivation at all to eat well or exercise and I gave into my emotions.

• Q: Did you have a good week?
• A: I had a fantastic week.  I had two dinners out and a short break in Paris.  I couldn’t get my head around eating well and had no time to exercise  so I didn’t lose weight – but it really was an amazing week.

• Q: Did you have a good week?
• A: Not really – it was boring.  I should have worked harder to take advantage of all the time I had but I just couldn’t find the will to work hard so I didn’t lose any weight.

OK.  Sorry for the excessive Qing and Aing but I needed to know for sure that, even though people are always going to use Good and Bad to talk about a diet – I can deflect and use other language.  At first it will be just language but, as with all things in this search for food/body sanity, it will eventually become how I think and how I act.

I just cannot have weight management define the quality of my life!

So here’s to a good couple of days in London.  I may not always be in control of where and when I eat, but I’m feeling motivated to make good choices and walk miles.

Today I have enough time to choose between writing here or going for an unplanned walk.  As it’s not raining and I don’t have a lot of pressureful work hanging over me, I think a walk is the better choice for today.

I don’t know who is inhabiting my body but they are welcome to stay if this is the attitude they bring.

My very best Lent was back in the early 90s when I gave up guilt.  I decided to be conscious about how many times a day/week/month I felt bad because I was letting down my kids/husband/friends/neighbours/community/the world in general and it was a lot.  So I quit for Lent and have never been that guilt-ridden again.

This Lent is going to take me right up to my next appointment with the specialist.  Tests will have been done, MRI results in.  This is a big ask, but I’m going to stop worrying about it for 40 days and spend that normal worry time working on my spiritual life. If any of my symptoms change I’ll just go to my gp.

Simple?  No.  But that’s why it’s a good thing to do for Lent.  It will require a little faith, a little hope and a lot of discipline.  I will have to interrupt my own thoughts regularly.  I will practice deep breathing and pray as best I can.

What does this have to do with food/body sanity? Everything insofar as stress leads to out of control eating and fear of illness leads to a “who cares” attitude about caring for my body.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

By the way, if the best Lent was when I gave up guilt, the toughest was the one when I gave up coffee.  I don’t think it made me a better human being or drew me any closer to God.

I’ve been thinking – wondering really – about why this time has been so different.  Besides the writing, I think that the biggest difference has been a new “forever” mindset.  I’m trying to think of a good analogy to explain what I mean.

In all my previous attempts at weight loss, I was like a person going on a trip.  I’d pack a huge suitcase full of expectation. I’d buy a ticket to a certain destination and have a timetable for getting there.  But I wouldn’t expect the unexpected and I’d always come home before I got to where I wanted to be because I couldn’t handle the very nature of travelling.  “There” remained unexplored and “home” was a place that was ugly but comfortable.

I think middle age has taught me to pack light – ditch the expectations, the presumed destination and the timetable.  Home is no longer an option – I sold that house and have taken to the road! This time I’m wandering around the world and I’ll know “there” when I see it.

I’m pretty sure I couldn’t make any money telling people that the best way to lose weight is to aim for an average of about a pound a month.  But, with the huge benefit of hindsight, I’m very happy to be 25lbs lighter than I was 25 months ago.  If I had repeated my usual on-off-on-off dieting behaviour, I’d certainly weigh more now than I did in January 08.

Maybe I should submit my idea to Carl Honoré and we could launch the “Slow Diet” movement.  That’s not such a bad idea.

I’ve not been writing because I’ve been too busy worrying. Sad but true. I function ok when I’m stressed – unless that stress is caused by worry. That is, caused by something that gets worse rather than better by trying to think it through.

I’m not a huge worrier by nature but I’m a persistent worrier when it takes hold. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging.

But here I am, pushing past the worry and still trying to get off these last few pounds. Of course, if I was really trying, they’d be gone. I’m only sort of trying………probably because worry lends itself to being squashed down with food.

For days I’ve been fighting the urge to eat and losing most of the battles so, yesterday, I decided to change tack and give into my need to feel full and not have to prepare much.

Here are the essential elements of my Worry Wort Diet:

• bulky, filling food
• carbs
• alcohol
• quick and easy to prepare
• can be spaced out over the whole day
• some sugar

Here’s today’s menu:

• Porridge with blueberries and yoghurt
• 2 mugs of coffee
• 4 ryvitas (jam optional)
• 4 mugs of tea
• Covent Garden potato and leed soup
• 3 or 4 clementines
• baked potato with a tin of tuna and peas
• raw carrots
• red wine – 2 x 100 ml glasses
• 1 mug of hot chocolate

I don’t have a huge amount of work to day while I wait for news on funding for 4 separate projects.  I live in from feast to famine on so many levels of my life.  Right now it just means that I need to keep busy, try to balance my time between things that need to be done and things that I want to do.

I won’t be blogging tomorrow unless a bit of late inspiration hits me on return from the hospital.

I’ve discovered the benefit of keeping online documents: it’s easy to see what you’ve done right and wrong over a period of time.

The week that I had the most encouraging weight loss:

• I ate porridge with blueberries and yoghurt for breakfast every day.
• I ate filling cauliflower and potato soup for lunch every day.
• I ate lots of different dinners but all with a bit of protein and carb and a lot of vegetables.
• I drank only one glass of wine all week.  I think there might be something in that.
• I drank a bottle of mineral water while watching tv at night.
• I snacked on Ryvita and cream cheese and fruit.
• I had my usual 5-6 cups of tea and coffee – with and without caffeine.
• I stuck to cappuccinos when I was out and counted for a full fat one rather than resent a skinny one.

The surprising thing is that I didn’t get to the gym that week – which worries me a little because I don’t want to lose muscle rather than fat.  However, I did walk on four days.  Still – I’d rather have a lower weight loss and a better shape.

Besides daily wine, what else wasn’t on the menu?

• butter – but I had olive oil every day.
• sugar in any vast quantity
• cheese – though I did have super parmesan reggiano  on a couple of meals.  I don’t count light Philly as “cheese”.  It’s something else altogether – a non-offensive dry cracker prevention system maybe.
• crackers other than Ryvita.  To quote Donna, “I can one and two point myself to death with crackers.”

OK, I’m sitting here thinking, do I want to lose weight more than I want to drink wine?  It’s a serious question.  For the next week I’m going to say Yes.

Do I want to exercise more than I want to hibernate?  The honest answer is No – but- I want to lose weight more than I want to hibernate so I’ll go.

Do I want to be free from journalling and measuring more than I want to lose weight?  Hmmmm – Yes – but for the next week I’ll sacrifice the freedom to grab to food and eat it for the freedom to zip up my jeans.

It’s all about choosing between freedoms.

I just read over the menu again and I’m happy to say that it’s all food that I’d eat even if I weren’t trying to lose weight.  It’s all tasty and filling and colourful.  So my challenge isn’t so much what but how much.