Things to try » Talking It Off

40 Days

Feb 172010

My very best Lent was back in the early 90s when I gave up guilt. I decided to be conscious about how many times a day/week/month I felt bad because I was letting down my kids/husband/friends/neighbours/community/the world in general and it was a lot. So I quit for Lent and have never been that guilt-ridden again.

This Lent is going to take me right up to my next appointment with the specialist. Tests will have been done, MRI results in. This is a big ask, but I’m going to stop worrying about it for 40 days and spend that normal worry time working on my spiritual life. If any of my symptoms change I’ll just go to my gp.

Simple? No. But that’s why it’s a good thing to do for Lent. It will require a little faith, a little hope and a lot of discipline. I will have to interrupt my own thoughts regularly. I will practice deep breathing and pray as best I can.

What does this have to do with food/body sanity? Everything insofar as stress leads to out of control eating and fear of illness leads to a “who cares” attitude about caring for my body.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

By the way, if the best Lent was when I gave up guilt, the toughest was the one when I gave up coffee. I don’t think it made me a better human being or drew me any closer to God.

In Praise of Slow Weight Loss

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Feb 122010

I’ve been thinking – wondering really – about why this time has been so different. Besides the writing, I think that the biggest difference has been a new “forever” mindset. I’m trying to think of a good analogy to explain what I mean.

In all my previous attempts at weight loss, I was like a person going on a trip. I’d pack a huge suitcase full of expectation. I’d buy a ticket to a certain destination and have a timetable for getting there. But I wouldn’t expect the unexpected and I’d always come home before I got to where I wanted to be because I couldn’t handle the very nature of travelling. “There” remained unexplored and “home” was a place that was ugly but comfortable.

I think middle age has taught me to pack light – ditch the expectations, the presumed destination and the timetable. Home is no longer an option – I sold that house and have taken to the road! This time I’m wandering around the world and I’ll know “there” when I see it.

I’m pretty sure I couldn’t make any money telling people that the best way to lose weight is to aim for an average of about a pound a month. But, with the huge benefit of hindsight, I’m very happy to be 25lbs lighter than I was 25 months ago. If I had repeated my usual on-off-on-off dieting behaviour, I’d certainly weigh more now than I did in January 08.

Maybe I should submit my idea to Carl Honoré and we could launch the “Slow Diet” movement. That’s not such a bad idea.

Worry is like Stress Only Worse

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Feb 092010

I’ve not been writing because I’ve been too busy worrying. Sad but true. I function ok when I’m stressed – unless that stress is caused by worry. That is, caused by something that gets worse rather than better by trying to think it through.

I’m not a huge worrier by nature but I’m a persistent worrier when it takes hold. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging.

But here I am, pushing past the worry and still trying to get off these last few pounds. Of course, if I was really trying, they’d be gone. I’m only sort of trying………probably because worry lends itself to being squashed down with food.

For days I’ve been fighting the urge to eat and losing most of the battles so, yesterday, I decided to change tack and give into my need to feel full and not have to prepare much.

Here are the essential elements of my Worry Wort Diet:

bulky, filling food
carbs
alcohol
quick and easy to prepare
can be spaced out over the whole day
some sugar

Here’s today’s menu:

Porridge with blueberries and yoghurt
2 mugs of coffee
4 ryvitas (jam optional)
4 mugs of tea
Covent Garden potato and leed soup
3 or 4 clementines
baked potato with a tin of tuna and peas
raw carrots
red wine – 2 x 100 ml glasses
1 mug of hot chocolate

I don’t have a huge amount of work to day while I wait for news on funding for 4 separate projects. I live in from feast to famine on so many levels of my life. Right now it just means that I need to keep busy, try to balance my time between things that need to be done and things that I want to do.

I won’t be blogging tomorrow unless a bit of late inspiration hits me on return from the hospital.

Doing What Works

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Feb 022010

I’ve discovered the benefit of keeping online documents: it’s easy to see what you’ve done right and wrong over a period of time.

The week that I had the most encouraging weight loss:

I ate porridge with blueberries and yoghurt for breakfast every day.
I ate filling cauliflower and potato soup for lunch every day.
I ate lots of different dinners but all with a bit of protein and carb and a lot of vegetables.
I drank only one glass of wine all week. I think there might be something in that.
I drank a bottle of mineral water while watching tv at night.
I snacked on Ryvita and cream cheese and fruit.
I had my usual 5-6 cups of tea and coffee – with and without caffeine.
I stuck to cappuccinos when I was out and counted for a full fat one rather than resent a skinny one.

The surprising thing is that I didn’t get to the gym that week – which worries me a little because I don’t want to lose muscle rather than fat. However, I did walk on four days. Still – I’d rather have a lower weight loss and a better shape.

Besides daily wine, what else wasn’t on the menu?

butter – but I had olive oil every day.
sugar in any vast quantity
cheese – though I did have super parmesan reggiano on a couple of meals. I don’t count light Philly as “cheese”. It’s something else altogether – a non-offensive dry cracker prevention system maybe.
crackers other than Ryvita. To quote Donna, “I can one and two point myself to death with crackers.”

OK, I’m sitting here thinking, do I want to lose weight more than I want to drink wine? It’s a serious question. For the next week I’m going to say Yes.

Do I want to exercise more than I want to hibernate? The honest answer is No – but- I want to lose weight more than I want to hibernate so I’ll go.

Do I want to be free from journalling and measuring more than I want to lose weight? Hmmmm – Yes – but for the next week I’ll sacrifice the freedom to grab to food and eat it for the freedom to zip up my jeans.

It’s all about choosing between freedoms.

I just read over the menu again and I’m happy to say that it’s all food that I’d eat even if I weren’t trying to lose weight. It’s all tasty and filling and colourful. So my challenge isn’t so much what but how much.

Positive Thinking

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Jan 282010

I’m descended, on my father’s side, from a long line of cynics. I’m pretty sure that somewhere I could find a family plaque with the motto, “Don’t get your hopes up.”

It’s not that I can’t see that the glass is half-full. I see it – I can even say it. But I’m secretly looking for the crack that going to leak out all that life-giving water. Let’s call it cynical optimism.

I truly love the research from last year that said positive thinking was bad for people with low self-esteem. However, I also know that, despite the fact hat negative is funnier, I need to concentrate on the positive a little more – not because I believe in any wacky “law of attraction” (don’t get me started) but because I know that thinking positively about your achievable goals makes you more likely to achieve them.

In this case – I will never keep the weight off if I keep thinking that I’ll never keep the weight off. period.

So I’m going to get back to some good old fashioned positive thinking – and put away the “buts” for a while.
I’ve had a tough year. I will no doubt have another one. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be a healthy weight and continue to cultivate a good relationship with food and my body. It just means that I need to learn some new skills and to put away some old behaviours.

The positive thinking comes in here. I CAN put away old behaviours. I CAN develop new skills.
More positive: I AM putting away old behaviours. I AM developing new skills. (Not so hard…..)

OK – in reality – this kind of talk only works for me when it’s true. The above is true in a straight forward way and I don’t need to argue it out with myself. It will never work for me if I don’t believe it or if it’s too vague.

“I deserve to be happy and successful” begs WAY too many questions and theological discussions. (I lifted that from a real website called more self esteem or something.)

“A quick row will lift my mood” works just fine and it’s a great substitute for “I hate the gym”.

So here’s to a new day with my kind of positive thinking.

Later…..
OH! Wait! I’ve just found the best article on that research. And, yes, it’s the best because I agree with her.

Checking In

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Dec 182009

It’s not as though I haven’t been thinking tons about what I’m doing and not doing – but the actual act of writing it all down has got lost in the tinsel, gingerbread and shopping lists.

I’ve put on two pounds which may or may not be “real”. I need vegetables but can’t find them in any satisfactory form at a reasonable cost.

I will be eating out three meals a day until Monday so commit to the following:

order smallest size of everything – it’s always enough

everything on the side – tastes better that way

don’t bother with desserts – they always disappoint

don’t even think about the baked goods that could accompany every single cappuccino

Enjoy the company
Enjoy the food
Get the shopping done!

See you on Monday.

Making adjustments to make progress

Starting Again Again, Things to try 2 Responses »

Dec 082009

I unintentionally started an attitude adjustment thread on BCB, and thought I’d share it here too. I’m struggling with having to adjust my budget to include an 80 mile round trip commute daily, that doesn’t fit into my current budget. I’m also struggling with all the previous issues: food, spending, lack of exercise. And when I toss in the enforced commute and the extra expense and time (estimate: $150-200 a month, 90 minutes to 2 hours a day), I get a seriously bad attitude about the whole thing. I’m struggling with this attitude, because I can’t change what’s happened, and I’m not willing to give up a job I like, even though it’s becoming a problem for me financially. So here’s my BCB post, edited to make sense in a different forum:

Gotta spend some time with the budget (or lack thereof) to see how to fit everything in. The more I think about it, the more I’m inclined to cut the cable TV, and maybe look around for cheaper internet as well. We’ll see. It’s hard to think of not having all the stuff I’m used to watching, but that’s what it’s come down to. I guess I’ll just have to learn how to be a grown up. Can’t help but be pissed off that other people can make decisions that make me have to think about things like this.

Unfortunately, every time I start thinking about the whole situation, I get all riled up. That’s not good, and I’m not sure how to change direction. I try to adjust my attitude, but it always comes back around to “WTF???” And that affects all my other behaviors–shopping, eating, and the eternal desire to plop on my couch and spend the winter there without moving. Better knock that off!!!

Ok, attitude adjustment exercise:

I have 2 GREAT daughters, 24 & 27, and I’m proud to say I’m their mom.
I have a family I love, even in the face of all our dysfunction.
My family will celebrate the holidays with all the joy and cheer that makes it a very special time for all.
I have a good relationship with my ex, which is good for my daughters.
I have a job. Many people don’t.
I LIKE my job, at least most of the time.
I have off from said job from Christmas to New Years Day.
I have the physical ability to exercise.
I have the mental ability to make better choices.
I have the brains to make all this work FOR me.
I have motivation to be strong, healthy, and fiscally fit, so that when spring gets here, I can fire up my Harley, modify it any way I want, and ride like the wind. (A slow wind, of course…)
I have awesome friends and a great support system! Shout out to all my BCB buddies, and Millie, Donna & Mardee at the blog! (IPB too, you know who you are!)
I am strong enough, and smart enough, and tough enough, to do this and to do it well. I can get my eating, my spending, my level of physical activity, and my attitude, all under control and headed in the right direction.

Ok, now that I’ve given myself a pep talk, I can start my day with a smile on my face, and the desire to change my circumstances.

The Weight List

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Dec 012009

For the past six weeks, I been weighing myself every morning and writing down the numbers. I am not doing this expecting to see loss after loss after loss. I’m doing it because I really want to get to grips with how the actually shedding of pounds works.

I think I’m going to make it a public exercise, not because it’s particularly interesting for, but because it’s another accountability tool for me during the next month of feasting and partying – a time when I would normally embrace the “What the hell” attitude of the season and pop in another piece of shortbread.

Just to be clear, the appropriate response to then numbers decreasing is not “Way to go Millie!” but:

“Hmmmmm, interesting”

And the appropriate response to numbers increasing is not “You can DO this Millie!” but:

Hmmmmm, interesting”

That’s the vibe of the activity.

December 09
Decided to make this a permanent page
4-145.6
3-145.6-after a day of pretty heavy eating. interesting.
2-144.2
1-144.4 Canadian scales
November 09
30-143
29-143
28-142.8
27-143.6
26-144.2
25-144.8
24-145.4
23-145.6
22-147
21-didn’t weigh after emotional eating
20-146.4
19-145.8
18-146.2
17-146.2
16-didn’t weigh
15-146.4
14-146.2
13-146.6
12-147
11-146.9
10-146.6
9-146.7
8-147.4
7-147.4
6-out of town
5-147
4-147.4
3-147.8
2-148.4
1-148
October 2009
31-147.6
30-149
29-150.2
28-150.4
27-149.8
26-150
25-150
24-150.2
23-151.2
22-didn’t weigh
21-151.6
20-151.2
19-150.4

Forgiving the Fat Child 2

Things to try, Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Nov 232009

Yesterday’s activity wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I took it to the gym with me and tried to picture myself every year from the age of 6 or so and walk through a painful fat moment from around that time. Then I looked my young self in the eye and told her that she was forgiven for being the size she was.

Some memories came up that I hadn’t thought about for years. I let myself look at them like a movie and forgive all the people involved whether they knew they were causing pain or not. It was quite a long process which took all my gym time then some.

Was it worth it? I don’t think forgiveness is ever magic. I didn’t feel released or somehow lighter because I didn’t really “feel” burdened by it anyway. It was just something I needed to do for the next step of keeping the weight off and allowing myself to be thin.

I was interested by the fact that the two people who were hardest to forgive were Miss McBirney the ballet teacher and Mrs Smith my Grade 3 teacher.

The former announced in front of all the other eight year olds and their mothers something like, “Millie, as you have a 32 inch waist, I think perhaps it’s time you took up the piano.” Mortifying is a pretty good word. Exam results prove that I wasn’t a bad little dancer but my shape overshadowed my ability.

Mrs Smith looked like a pig – I just checked the class photo to make sure that’s not a completely false memory. She also had a habit of giving the birthday bumps and commenting on how heavy the birthday child was. The bigger children suffered most and I was so desperate to avoid that humiliation that I made myself sick that day. Unfortunately, I made myself so sick that I missed a week of school, selling Brownie cookies and had to postpone my own birthday party.

I’ll forgive them -but maybe you could harbour a little righteous anger on my behalf.

The exercise also brought to mind the lovely supportive people.

I had amazing friends who didn’t use my weight as a weapon to get at me. That’s a huge thing to say about girls.

We had a great phys ed department at school who were always encouraging because they could see my sporting potential and I wasn’t afraid to work hard to get in shape. I just didn’t have the tools to keep weight off.

There was a lovely mom on a three week exchange trip. I had obviously and unknowingly lost weight while I was away from home and she was the first person who ever told me that I wasn’t nearly as big as I thought I was. Then she took me out shopping all by myself and helped me to buy great clothes for my shape and made me have a really good look at myself in the mirror. Well ahead of her time, she was Trinny and Susannah all rolled into one. Again, I didn’t have the tools to keep the weight off and that lovely outfit become a symbol of who I could be if I could only lose the weight.

And that’s the story of my life that’s going to end with the next stage of this blog.

God willing, as I write and live and laugh and enjoy the good and slog through the bad, I’m going to develop the tools to keep the weight off.

Last laugh to me Miss McBirney; 40 years later I have a 32 inch waist again. And it’s getting smaller.

Hormone Week Day 1

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Nov 172009

When I’m very hormonal, the emotional side of life ends up overblown and distorted – like looking at myself and all of life in a fairground mirror. Any situation that could possibly be decided by a win or a loss feels hugely stressful when normally I’m a happily competitive person – especially when competing against myself. I usually enjoy seeing the results of a well-journalled eating day and it’s not the least bit stressful to see the feedback offered by the Nutracheck site. Have I got in my 5 a day, limited the alcohol, drunk enough liquid? Are the calories on track for a slimmer and healthier me? Is my fat consumption within a healthy range? Have I exercised?

But when my emotions are raw-edged, that feels like a huge amount of pressure and a ridiculous way to spend my life. So yesterday I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for and it went pretty well. I ate well, tried small portions and had more if I was still hungry and drank when I was thirsty – kind of what I imagine life will be like for the rest of my days! Untethering myself from the journal gave me a much needed break and giving myself permission to journal or not for this crazy week makes me feel that I might do it anyway.

Have I just discovered that half my weight loss battle is caring for the rebel within? We’ll see……..

I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.

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Talking It Off

40 Days

In Praise of Slow Weight Loss

Worry is like Stress Only Worse

Doing What Works

Positive Thinking

Checking In

Making adjustments to make progress

The Weight List

Forgiving the Fat Child 2

Hormone Week Day 1

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