Talking It Off

Last 10 Pounds 1/42

Jun 132010

OK – This is not going to be exciting but it’s going to be part of the process for me over the next six weeks. Yes, I’ve set a goal and now a deadline! Talk about risky. But it has worked for me before and this isn’t the forever thing. This is getting off the last ten pounds.

Just as I did with the first ten pounds, I’m going to come here daily and report in arrears what I did to get closer to my goals.

Yesterday I’m pleased to say that my behaviour reflected where I want to go. That’s all I can ask of myself. I ate well, measured portions, journalled what I ate and stopped when I’d reached my daily limits.

Breakthrough moment: It felt like time for another glass of wine but I was really done with the calories. The husband hesitated to get another glass so I just asked him to get me a pint glass of tap water instead. And it was fine. I didn’t seethe with resentment that he could and I couldn’t. I just pictured that 139 and enjoyed my water.

The lovely irony is that I weigh half a pound more today than I did yesterday. If I was a newby at this and not aware of my normal daily weight fluctuations, I’d be upset. But it’s all about the BEHAVIOUR which will lead to the GOAL. The daily weighing is nothing more than interesting. If a week of positive behaviour doesn’t lead to a loss then I will change the behaviour.

Thanks to Nutracheck, I can go back and see exactly what I’ve done during weeks with steady losses and (no drum roll necessary) it’s daily exercise. I’m not at the gym anymore so I’m going to have to do a whole lot of trotting around the local streets. I’ve got routes mapped out from two to five miles and I can choose to walk only or walk/run them but I am going to keep moving.

Eating Essentials:

I have to have enough food at dinner to really fill me up. I can graze on little meals throughout the day but I want to eat once in the evening and call it a day. It mostly about the fact that the evening meal is social and I want to share in the sociability without feeling ostracised. And there’s nothing like a “diet plate” to make me feel left out.

Mind Essentials:

I sometimes have serious doubts about the validity of this blog because I’m no longer technically overweight and that same mindset has kept me from taking off these last few pounds. I feel embarrassed to be putting so much time and energy into something that is now just selfish. Not sure what to do with that except to shut up the voice with the fact that it’s still matter of health and well-being. Hmmm. Will need to think more about that.

Getting What I Want

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 122010

I speak for women in general and myself in particular when I say that we’re not always very good at deciding what we want and going for it. I suspect that, for me, I don’t dare to be ambitious because the risk of failure is too high. There’s certainly an element of that in my professional life, but what about in my relationship with with food and my body?

Am I really afraid of failure? I have failed and survived to tell the tale so many times that it shouldn’t be a big deterrent. Maybe it’s that I’ve failed so many many times at this that I picture failure rather than success right from the outset. I say what I want but I picture all the reasons that I won’t get there.

I have no idea why this little insight has popped up today and not before. But it popped into my head when I was trying to think of what it is that I REALLY want right now from this body/food project and my thought was that I REALLY want to look at the scale and see a number that starts with 13…..

I hate to be that shallow. I hate to be that scale oriented. But still…..that’s what I want before I want to run 10k or have low cholesterol or a healthy waist size. And I do want all those things but they’re not what I REALLY WANT RIGHT NOW.

I want to weigh less than 140 pounds so I’m going to achieve it.

That’s a brave statement which, rather uncomfortably, leaves me open to failure.

It’s almost two years since I started heading towards something. My last post pointed out that the number I was heading for isn’t exactly where I want to be. But I didn’t say this: I’m afraid that, if I get to where I want to be, I might have to re-invent myself as a thin person.

When I was very nearly down to 140, my daughter looked at me and said, “I’ve never had a thin mum before and you’re a thin mum!” Of course, thanks to years of body image insanity, that sent me into a tailspin. Sigh.

So it’s what I say I want but I have to give myself time when I get there to adjust my own perceptions of who I am and what I think I should look like.

Will I have to re-invent myself? I just don’t know – maybe.

Will I have to find something else to blog about? I guess I could blog about reinventing myself as thin person.

Will I find out that people don’t really care one way or another how big or small I am? Probably.

But that’s all jumping the gun and worrying about the finish at the start line. Instead of worrying about what’s at the end of this journey, I’m going to focus on what I want RIGHT NOW. All day long I’m going to picture myself stepping on the scale and seeing the number 139. Simple. I’m going to plan, portion, journal and think about that number – not anything else – and see where it takes me.

Perspective

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 072010

Do you ever scare yourself by looking at your face in the mirror too closely? It’s usually while I’m putting on makeup that I notice every crease and wrinkle. And let’s not even start a conversation about the horrors waiting in the magnified version – especially relating to stray hairs.

Anyway – the point is that, until you step away from the mirror and look at the whole picture, it’s very difficult to see what you actually look like.

A woman is much much more (and better) than the sum of her flaws.

Back in January 2008, when I weighed 170lbs, I set a goal weight in my head. After many years in this country I have to acknowledge that I still don’t know my 14 times table but I do know that 10 stone is 140 pounds. That was my goal in my 30s so I stuck a half stone on there for a realistic weight to head towards.

Two and a half years later I find myself really unhappy with my body as reflected in my weight. Why? Because I’m staring at the numbers and seeing the flaws rather than standing back and getting a realistic picture.

one step
two steps
three steps (away from the numbers)

OK. Here’s the new perspective.

My original goal weight was 147 lbs. This morning I weight 147.2 lbs. I’m still there, so congratulate and celebrate!

Yes, I’m flabby around the middle. And that would be because I haven’t been walking and running and weight training. My choice; my consequence.

Do I want to weigh less than I do now? Yes

Am I going to do what it takes to get there? Hmmmmmm. Well, why not?

But I want to do this from a positive rather than a negative place. I’m absolutely fine and healthy the way I am but I’m interested to know what I look like with that last half stone off. I’m interested to know whether or not I can maintain that weight with my present trans-continental life.

If I get down to 140lbs then find that I just can’t stay there, would someone PLEASE remind me that 147 is just fine? That I can enjoy life and food and still maintain this weight? That I can walk and run at this weight? That I can still find clothes at this weight? That I’m not BIG at this weight?

OK – now I’ve got the perspective I need to do this last bit of hard work. And it will be hard work. The husband wants to come along for the ride and take off a few pounds too. So, as soon as I get back from a couple of days away working, I’m going to start this last leg in earnest and look foward to seeing what summer looks and feels like a little bit lighter.

1 Day

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Jun 022010

As opposed to Day 1. I’ve had a lot of those, but this is Day Countless and I’m happy with that.

In between masses of work related things to do and life related things to do, I’ve been thinking and observing.

Observing first:

The eating while waiting for the kettle to boil is a THING. Really. I had to stop myself several times from mindlessly eating while standing there at the counter. I ashamed to admit that because, in my head, I’m very critical of people who use the phrase “mindless eating” but I just did and I meant it. So there’s more work ahead.

Thinking:

There was an article in the Times (London, not New York) which I initially ignored because I thought I knew what it was going to say. It was about developing a female version of viagra to “fix” the problem (that should have inverted commas too) of lack of libido in women.

When I got round to reading it and all the commentaries, I found that the most popular view was “RUBBISH! What women need is to feel comfortable in their own skin.” There are so many links that I can’t choose just one – so go to timesonline.co.uk and have a look around. (But hurry because it’s going to become a pay only site this month.)

Anyway the thing I read again and again was that this is NOT a medical issue but a matter of women being confident in their bodies. And this led me to thinking more about why I want to lose more weight. Or do I?

I’m currently reasonably happy with my size. I’m medium and it’s not a huge effort to stay this way. I’m curious to know what I’d feel like as a “skinny mini” – say another 10 pounds down – but I’m not unhappy. That said, I still don’t feel like I’ve arrived at where I thought I was going. I’m not under 140lbs. In fact, I’m barely under 150lbs right now.

But is where I thought I was going going to make me healthier, happier, anything-ier? I wonder.

It’s evening now and my day of observing and thinking is drawing to an end. Not because it’s bedtime but because I need to go and have a revoltingly happy gossip session with some women friends – one of whom will notice and ask about my weight and two of whom will not.

Friends who notice your weight. That’s another post.

More Habits

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Jun 012010

OK. I’ve spent the past few days observing a bad habit but not doing anything about it. Literally, as I’ve been wiping crumbs from the edge of my mouth, I’ve been thinking, “I should do something about that” – but I don’t.

Today is the day.

Observe:

I need/want a cup of tea.
I go downstairs and put the kettle on.
It starts to make that heating up noise that only fast British kettles can make. They are fast.
In the time is takes to boil enough water for a cup of tea, I get out the cracker container and reach up and get the peanut butter/honey/jam/whatever.
I pour the water over the teabag.
While the tea is brewing I make and eat a small pb on cracker sandwich.
I put milk in tea and think, “I’m hungry – think I’ll make a couple more of those to eat while I’m drinking my tea.”

Put like that it looks silly and irrelevant but if I do this just twice a day, 4 days per week, it amounts to more than 60,000 extra calories per year. Extra – over and above what I need to live a healthy active life.

SO – today is that day I do something else during the boiling/brewing waiting times. I’ll let you know what it turns out to be.

Replacement Habits

Keeping Going, Starting Again Again No Responses »

May 272010

The sad fact is that habits are what drive our lives for good or bad. Most of the behaviour that makes me sigh or bang my head against the wall in this food/body struggle is the result of bad habits.

Like what?

Like looking in the fridge to find the desire to make a phone call.

Like eating a cracker or two to three so that a paragraph will write itself.

Like sinking into the sofa to ease my stress.

I hate these behaviours; they always lead me to doing the things I don’t want to do which are to eat when I’m not hungry and avoid moving altogether. But I have to own up to the fact that I’m solely responsible for their existence in my life.

Surprisingly, I”m not actually writing this to just whine about how I wish I could change. I’ve actually made some steps towards replacing those habits with something more sane and healthy.

Even though I love working in our bright and airy dining/kitchen, I’ve moved my computer back up to my cupboard sized office so crackers and fridges aren’t quite so handy.
I’ve decided that I may not be running any time soon but I can go for a walk at any pace I choose and it’s still better than lying on the sofa with a glass of wine. I’m three for three (walks for days) since I made that decision.

And that last sentence reminds me that part of the reason I lose the will to fight is that I let myself fall into the habit of thinking that this has to be all or nothing – and nothing always wins.

By choosing the above, I’ve chosen the habit of thinking that something is always better than nothing.

So here’s to days of more and more “something”.

Oh yeah – 2 pounds have miraculously fallen off during this process.

What is OP?

Keeping Going, Starting Again Again No Responses »

May 262010

On Programme

On Plan

When I want to lose weight, I stick to a plan.

Except, of course, when I want to lose weight but can’t quite get up the guts to stick to a plan. It’s not that I don’t make a plan.

Here’s the plan now!

measure portions
write down everything I eat
eat around 1400 calories and less than 50g fat – Nutracheck calculates – I’m not that crazy.
move every day to the tune of around 200 calories

If I do this, I lose weight.

So what’s stopping me? God, (and this is a prayer, not a name in vain moment), please show me what’s stopping me.

People with no food/body issues will look at the “plan” and figure that the problem is obviously that people aren’t meant to measure and weigh and write down everything they eat. I get that. But I also get that it’s the right thing for me when I need restraint in my food life.

I can usually keep weight off without doing that stuff but I sure can’t lose weight without those little disciplines. And they are little. I don’t have to think about food all day long; I just have to be honest, on paper, about what I’m consuming. The food scale and measuring cups are right there under the kitchen counter. It’s not really an inconvenicne to get back into that habit. And all I have to do is type the results into my laptop or Blackberry. Again, what’s the hassle?

HABITS. That’s what this is all about.

So starting today, I’m going to add the habit of checking my portions and recording them in my food journal – not because I’m obsessed – but because it’s the best tool for losing weight.

I will do this until I’ve lost the 5lbs that I gained over the past few months.

Sorry for the boring blogging but it’s all I’ve got till I start taking care of myself again.

Wow….I Feel Used

Thoughts on the Process 3 Responses »

May 252010

Back in February I wrote about a Times article which quoted weight loss advice offered by a few professionals in the field. I took exception to one of the experts:

Hala El-Shafie says: Diets set you up to fail; they should be banned. Eat small amounts of the right food. Eat regularly and well. Get moving: exercise helps. Think about why you eat. Accept your body shape and who you are; size 8 (4 US) jeans will not necessarily make you happy.

Essentially I thought what she was calling “not dieting” was, for most people, a diet. Other than that, I absolutely agree with all of the above.

Recently, someone who has used and benefitted from her services commented that I was being unfair. If you’ve got this far, you might as well read the whole thing.

It all sounded good until Jenniferjelly posted another (nice) comment with a link to the the clinic. A quick look at the site seems to say that it’s all about bariatric surgery. What?

Learning to eat smaller portions? Yes!

Because my stomach is itself a tiny portion of what it was? Um, No!

The sad thing is that I think Hala El-Shafie probably really does help people like me deal with food issues but her website is almost all about bariatric surgery. Sheesh. I feel like I’ve been used for advertising something I don’t like.

Anyway – I’ll keep the comments at least until we see how the “nutrition rocks” website pans out. It could be great. It could be a further ploy to sell the services of an expensive private bariatric surgery clinic.

(And I DO know that bariatric surgery is the final life-saving answer for some. I also know that plastic surgery is life-saving and life-giving for those who have been disfigured but I don’t approve of marketing it to the general public so they can have bigger breasts.)

Looking forward to seeing if this turns out to be positive or negative in the end.

Diet Blog Hell

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

May 242010

I have become the blogger I hate.

It is tempting, day after day, to whinge on about needing “to get back in the game”.

So now, as my mother would say, it’s time to pee or get off the pot.

I wrote that this morning then closed it up and thought about how unhappy I was feeling. It’s not all bad: part of me is singing in the sunshine but part of me is wanting to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep.

Then my new Blackberry arrived by courier so at least I could put my “to do” list off by a couple of hours while I sorted our the new toy. (not thrilled with the dinkiness of it but it’s got some nice features to make up for that)

Then I figured I’d make this the day to move a little. Exercising is like drinking instead of eating. Everyone always says to have a glass of water when you think you want to snack because you’re probably really just thristy. I have chosen, for no good reason at all, to ignore that advice even though it is most like true.

I have also chosen, by and large, to ignore the advice that exercise improves one’s mood – even though I know this to be true from experience. But today I decided I needed every little endorphin I could get my brains on so I put on the “cloak of invisibility” and headed out into the sunshine.

I’m not sure I feel better but I certainly don’t feel worse which has to be a good thing and I felt really good while I was actually walking. I’m not sure why I’m so exhausted now though.

Anyway – I did some of what I set out to do today. I “took care of myself” not by being lazy and fat but by moving and eating carefully. A good first step on the road I wish to travel.

I Blame Lycra

Body Image, Keeping Going No Responses »

May 222010

I do. I blame Lycra.

A pair of jeans with a bit of Lycra can accommodate five extra pounds without cutting or grabbing. Some might think this is a good thing but it does no favours for those of us who are prone to five pound gains which turn into ten, fifiteen, twenty pound gains.

Aside: Does that remind anyone else of School House Rock? Not the weight gain obviously, but the counting by 5′s song?

Anyway – I guess this all takes me back to the fact that I don’t have an objective view of my body shape and size or I might notice a five pound weight gain even if my clothes are still comfortable. Or is that wrong? Surely a tightening waistband has always been the first sign of putting on a few pounds! And now we’ve lost that small but important tool. It takes at least 10 pounds before my clothes don’t fit.

So it’s back to the mirror, the tape measure and the scales to keep this weight in control.

Just writing that makes me feel exhausted. I’m exhausted by my own inability to take care of myself. I’ve had SO much stress these past six months that I have lost all enthusiasm for this process. But I haven’t lost the determination to never be fat again. I’m still a healthy BMI and I plan to stay that way.

So there’s no option unless someone somewhere cares to let me in on a previously undisclosed miracle for keeping off weight that doesn’t include balancing calories consumed with calories expended.

Anyone?

I didn’t think so.

Back to the journal I go. Where I will honestly and consistently write down what I’m eating until someone comes up with something better.

Post Script Thought: My belts are all a bit big now. If the waistband isn’t going to tell me about five pounds, I guess I should buy a couple of belts that will keep me informed. Hmmmmm – after next payday.

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Last 10 Pounds 1/42

Getting What I Want

Perspective

1 Day

More Habits

Replacement Habits

What is OP?

Wow….I Feel Used

Diet Blog Hell

I Blame Lycra

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