Talking It Off

Below are my weights the past few mornings.

Since I had freaked myself out about needing an mri, I decided that I needed to know for sure that I wasn’t losing weight because I was ill but because I was eating less and moving more. I needed to prove that I did have an appetite and was not going to end up wasting away like my mother. So I ate. Maybe you can tell from the stats on which day I ate the most.

Wednesday-144.2
Thursday-145.6-after a day of pretty heavy eating. interesting.
Friday-145.6
Saturday-148 Really? In 24 hours? Interesting……
Sunday-144.4 After one normal healthy day – see why daily weighing works for me?

Mardee commented on my post about eating anything I wanted that she couldn’t do that “with impunity”. After looking up “with impunity” – without having to deal with the consequences – I have to agree with her. There are always going to be consequences for me when I decide to just go out and EAT – mindfully or mindlessly- and I did some of both.

Consequence 1: Weight

There is no doubt that unfettered eating means my weight goes up. But it doesn’t mean that I actually gained almost 4 pounds of fat in a couple of days. However, if I’d gone to WW on Saturday and had my one weekly weigh-in, I might have believed that I had actually gained all that weight. That’s why daily weighing works for me. It keeps me sane in a way that the weekly weigh-in cannot.

Consequence 2: Head Damage (can’t think what else to call it)

A couple of days of unfettered eating leads to a mindset that’s hard to reign in. In other words, once I’ve opened that loaf of bread, it’s hard to imagine preparing a pile of roast vegetables, lean meat and basmati rice. Once I’ve spread the butter on the bread, I know that nothing green, red or orange is bound to pass my lips for the rest of the day.

Consequence 3:  Long Term Damage

This is something that has changed over this year.  When I started eating in grief last January, I didn’t stop for well over a month by which time the weight gain and head damage were real.  In previous years, it’s taken several months or more.  Even this time, I was hoping to stop after a day but it took four.   I know now how easy it is to fall back into a lazy carb-dominated diet.

Weird? Pathetic? Undisciplined? Why yes, thank you – all of the above. But that’s why I’m here and talking about this stuff.

That things are going well? I’m (gasp) journaling again, and gradually increasing the exercise. Millie (as always), you provide abundant motivation and support for me (along with you other BCBrs), and I thank you so much for keeping me in the game.

Anyway, I’m doing the Millie thing of weighing myself every day with the idea that I will use it logically, and not emotionally. So far it’s working (of course, that’s easy to say when it’s heading down – the trick will be when the numbers aren’t where I want them to be).

Millie, I’ve been thinking about your “Obsession” topic, and it seems to me that it parallels what we’ve talked about before. We are all intelligent, successful women who have succeeded in our personal and professional lives, but have failed periodically at controlling our weight. Perhaps obsession is the key – after all, when we work, we apply ourselves wholeheartedly, don’t we? Maybe we need to apply that same wholeheartedness – nay, obsession – to our body…

Anyway, breakfast awaits (and a quick game of Spider Solitaire).