Talking It Off

Grumpy!  But at least it gave me a chance to practice the 139 visualisation about 100 times.  It was just one of those days where I normally would have eaten my annoyance with the world just because I couldn’t name the problem and fix it.

I still managed to eat reasonably, stay within calories and take a short walk. (I may still be a little grumpy.)

Emotional Essentials:

A long time ago I wrote about being ready to leave the “fat club” and I was and am still in that mindset.  I no longer worry that I won’t have a place in the (almost) Universal Sisterhood.  I’m happy about that because I think the fear of not belonging held me back for a long time.

However, I’m discovering during this last 10 pounds thing that I still have a weird worry.  I don’t want to be succeeding when others are struggling.  Bizarrely, I have no problem with struggling while others are succeeding.  In fact, I usually find it encouraging.

Ha – I just searched this blog and came up with this post from February.  I obviously identified the issue but didn’t work it through in real life.  I guess that’s the story of my weight loss journey!  It take so long to work these things through and out of my life.

So why do I still need people to know what a struggle this is?  And it IS a struggle.  But, if I lose weight and keep it off, I am fully aware that people will think I’m “lucky” and that irks me beyond belief.

AH…..insight!  I am an affirmation junky and if people think I’m just “lucky” with my weight loss, then the results somehow mean less to me.

It reminds of a Hallowe’en many many years ago when my kids were 4 and 2.  There was a serious pumpkin shortage – as in NONE at all in the grocery stores so I took the kids downtown and we went into some businesses which had piles of pumpkins in their window displays.  My charming son (and I mean Charming with a capital C) did the talking and eventually wangled us a beauty.

In one shop, after we’d all said thank you to the manager who had refused our request,  someone said to me, “You’re so lucky to have such polite children!”  And I wanted to punch her.  LUCKY?????  YOU THINK I’M LUCKY? (I thought, quietly to myself.)  My children’s manners had and have nothing to do with luck and everything to do with the relentless hard work of their parents.

Hmmm (the sound of more thinking) – I guess this blog is my way of proving to the world that this process is a struggle and that I will have earned every benefit of a smaller, fitter body.

If anyone thinks I’m lucky, I’ll just point them over here.

Yesterday was postitive for food and exercise and, interestingly, also postitive for house cleaning. Positive thinking does have positive results.  So now I have sore muscles but a tidy bedroom and slightly less cat hair in the lungs.

Foodwise it was easy because it was just a repeat of the day before.  Today, we shift the menu for two days.  The two days thing has nothing to do with weight loss – it just reflects that fact that there are two people instead of four in the house so each normal recipe feeds us for two meals.  Tonight, chilli with lots of vegetables.

There’s not a lot of insight to share because it’s still too early in the process. “Honeymoon” would be pushing it, but I’m still slightly in love with feeling in control. I’m still happy to eat the same breakfasts and lunches.  When Grim Determination sets in, that’s when the real thinking begins.

So for now I’ll put one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Challenge for the week: two days in London

Wednesday

• breakfast: home- porridge
• lunch: sandwhich on the road – ok – will pack
• dinner: pub  It’s a toss-up between stuffed red pepper and a burger with salad.
• evening: wine – we’ll be watching the World Cup in a pub so there’s going to be alcohol.  Just need to decide how much and stick to the limit.

Thursday

• breakfast: ugh- not much choice. Wait!  Can get porridge at Starbucks.  That’s a plan.
• lunch:  ick – no choice at all.   “Sh*t on a Stick” aka conference food.  I’ll have a couple of nibbles and just stay hungry.
• dinner: Will grab a latte or something for the car then eat when we get home in the evening.

So we’ll pack some oranges and bananas for snacking in the hotel and car.

And exercise?  London is, for me, a city for walking so that’s what I’ll do.  I’ve just had a look at the maps and I think I can fit in a couple of miles in the morning before the conference. Timing will be everything.

Finally – How’s the “139″ strategy working?  Amazingly well for someone who doesn’t make much use of mental strategies.  When I’m tempted to eat without hunger, I picture stepping on the scale and seeing “139″.  Sounds too simple, and maybe I just haven’t felt tested yet.  Let’s see how it works faced with a pub menu in London.

OK – This is not going to be exciting but it’s going to be part of the process for me over the next six weeks.  Yes, I’ve set a goal and now a deadline! Talk about risky.  But it has worked for me before and this isn’t the forever thing.  This is getting off the last ten pounds.

Just as I did with the first ten pounds, I’m going to come here daily and report in arrears what I did to get closer to my goals.

Yesterday I’m pleased to say that my behaviour reflected where I want to go.  That’s all I can ask of myself.  I ate well, measured portions, journalled what I ate and stopped when I’d reached my daily limits.

Breakthrough moment:  It felt like time for another glass of wine but I was really done with the calories.  The husband hesitated to get another glass so I just asked him to get me a pint glass of tap water instead.  And it was fine.  I didn’t seethe with resentment that he could and I couldn’t.  I just pictured that 139 and enjoyed my water.

The lovely irony is that I weigh half a pound more today than I did yesterday.  If I was a newby at this and not aware of my normal daily weight fluctuations, I’d be upset.  But it’s all about the BEHAVIOUR which will lead to the GOAL.  The daily weighing is nothing more than interesting. If a week of positive behaviour doesn’t lead to a loss then I will change the behaviour.

Thanks to Nutracheck, I can go back and see exactly what I’ve done during weeks with steady losses and (no drum roll necessary) it’s daily exercise.  I’m not at the gym anymore so I’m going to have to do a whole lot of trotting around the local streets.  I’ve got routes mapped out from two to five miles and I can choose to walk only or walk/run them but I am going to keep moving.

Eating Essentials:

• I have to have enough food at dinner to really fill me up. I can graze on little meals throughout the day but I want to eat once in the evening and call it a day.  It mostly about the fact that the evening meal is social and I want to share in the sociability without feeling ostracised.  And there’s nothing like a “diet plate” to make me feel left out.

Mind Essentials:

• I sometimes have serious doubts about the validity of this blog because I’m no longer technically overweight and that same mindset has kept me from taking off these last few pounds. I feel embarrassed to be putting so much time and energy into something that is now just selfish.  Not sure what to do with that except to shut up the voice with the fact that it’s still matter of health and well-being.  Hmmm.  Will need to think more about that.