Talking It Off

A mildly depressive personality is the flip side of some great blessings in life. I don’t want to stop being creative or visionary. Therefore, I have to put up with the fact that sometimes my mood will dip below “fed up” and into a place that I’d rather not be.

I’m also very very lucky that the dips rarely last more than a few days and I can wake up one morning feeling absolutely fine. Today I feel almost absolutely fine. Don’t know why and I don’t want to put too much energy into figuring it out. Generally, life is exactly as it was yesterday and the day before so I’ll accept the brighter day as a gift and get on with it.

The one thing I do want to talk about is weight and depression. Many people (ie doctors) feel that weight loss is a “normal” sign of depression. Well let me tell you (and them), sometimes it’s the opposite.

As soon as I start sleeping nine hours a night and finding that simply I must feel full all the time, I know it’s time to pay attention, pull back, draw in and take the pressure off – whatever that pressure is at the time.

There was a time when I’d have said that weight gain is a symptom of depression but now I realise that it’s a result of not paying attention when things are sliding. Usually, when I start feeling low, I don’t go near a scale or give a thought to what or how much I’m eating. The result is that I am thrown way off the healthy and sane path and right onto the crazyiness of the gaining and losing pendulum. hmmmmm.

Of course, depression is only one of many many life situations that have caused that in my life. So what’s going to be different this time, now that I refuse to get on the pendulum? I guess, no matter how I’m feeling, I’ve got to figure out how to get of the house, walk to do errands, eat to full but not crazy full. I may not be able to lose weight during a darker time but I can do everything in my power not to make weight gain a “symptom of depression”.

This is different. Thinking new thoughts is like trying on a style of clothes that you’ve seen in the shops but thought could never work for you. I’ve just tired on something and I think it fits.

I’ll walk around in it for a while and see how it goes.

PS/Edit

I realised I felt brighter even before I stepped on the scale and saw the loss. So maybe there’s a connection between water retention and depression?

Well.
It turns out that feeling a bit depressed is, in fact, the same as being a bit depressed.

What a bizarre day I had yesterday.

I spent all day with my brain in two places at once.  Sane brain was thinking about all the things I could be doing to take care of myself in a positive way.  Crazy brain was demanding that food be stuffed down in the largest quantities and at the fastest speed possible.

Two brains – and one certainly out-shouted the other.

But why?  If I don’t ask that question and come up with a good answer, I will stumble into that kind of day again.

So why?

• It was the first anniversary of my dad’s death and I was alone all day.  The people I needed most were, at absolutely no fault of their own, in time zones eight hours either side of me.

• In the bigger picture of life, I am living in the wrong place.  Frustratingly, I love what I do here and I love so much about living here – but my heart is somewhere else and I need to figure out how to deal with that emotionally.  Being able to live on two continents is a huge privilege.  But the way it works in practice means that, no matter where I am, I’m missing someone or something significant. That gaping hole is perfect for filling with food.

So….the question isn’t really “Why?” but “What am I going to do about the gaping hole?”

Answer:  Trust – Love – Pray – Move – Look outward rather than inward…..maybe I’m not in the place for that one.

But what I really want to do is make plans.  I’m a person who hates the unresolved.  I like solutions, answers – knowing where I’m going next.  This is one time in my life where every solution raises more unresolved issues and that makes me stressed in the biggest possible way.

So I’ve established that life is not what I want it to be – but every time I start thinking like that, I have a chorus of positive voices in my head singing out the good things in my life.  There are so many that I can’t see how I can feel low – that’s what makes me think that “feeling depressed” may include an element of “being depressed”.

OK – I’m going to leave it there.  I’m ok.  Really.  I live with this “edge of reason” stuff all the time and I always get through it and come out feeling just fine, thanks.

For today I’m going to eat little, drink lots and get some stuff done around the house.  There is nothing in life that isn’t made a little better by having a clean and orderly house.  Laundry first.

Thanks for listening.

Oh – last thought:  there is nothing in life that can’t be made a little worse by eating till you feel sick.  Amen and out.