Talking It Off

Restoration Project Begins

Keeping Going, Starting Again Again No Responses »

Mar 272010

Back to the classic muscle car analogy, because I like it. If I was really restoring a classic car, I’d have to know how to wrench on it. That means instructions, which means my WW materials. And supplies, tools. That means the right groceries, measuring tools, kitchen gadgets, etc. And a way to know how much progress I’ve made. I can use my eyes, as I would with the car. I can also use the scale, and the fit of my clothes. I also need the right frame of mind. If I don’t have that, how will I handle the bumps and hiccups during the long process? Not very well. Tools might be thrown, there might be some bad language (Might? Try “will!”) occasionally. I need to be ready for whatever comes my way during this project.

Another helpful thing to have is plenty of time to work on the project. This is not something that’s going to come together in just a few minutes a day. I’ll need far more time than that to get things restored to their original beauty. So forget the days of working on the fly. Plan to spend enough time to do the job right. Lube the moving parts with exercise. Feed the engine and the computer with the right gas & oil, and enough rest. And once the original beauty has been restored, it will be very important (VERY!!) to keep it that way. This will be hard work as well, so no giving up, EVER.

No Doubts

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Mar 272010

Thanks to daily weighing, I can now safely say without a doubt that eating and drinking too much and moving too little lead to weight gain.

Yes,

I know,

D’UH.

But there are still weeks when I’d like to “get away with it”- defy nature, as Donna said.

Bizarrely, until I typed the words “defy nature”, I had forgotten what I’d written about just a few days ago. It must be something that I really need to process in order to get over this period/slump/quagmire.

On a positive note, I am certainly more body aware now than I was a couple of years ago. A “slump” like this would last months or more and I wouldn’t step on the scale until my weight was into the 160s – or the 170s as in January 2008.

So I’m happy that I get this feeling at 146. I promised the women over at BCB that I wouldn’t weigh more than 145.8 by the time I got to my specialist’s appointment at the hospital next week. Rather than set that as a distant boundary, I used it as a safe target so that I could give myself permission to eat and drink my stress away. As of this moment, I no longer have that permission.

I have permission to walk off my stress.
I have permission to bubble bath my stress away.
I have permission to curl up with a good book – and there’s one by my bed.
I have permission to work.
I have permission to drink large mugs of tea if I need to feel warm and full.

I don’t have permission to bake and eat.

I don’t have permission to eat more than enough for one person.

I don’t have permission to open another bottle of wine.

And the reason I’m banishing those things is NOT because I want to live some joyless life, but because I simply need to cope with stress in other ways. I know what the other ways are, but I never give them enough of a chance to become real tools in my life. They are always food substitutes rather than real stress-relievers. I want to get my mind to the point that I think of walking or reading when I feel stressed. Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

Well that was revealing so I’m going to say it again but louder:

Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

I am going to find foodless drinkless tools for combatting stress. Maybe I should crack that Beck book finally to see if I can make some permanent changes in my thinking.

Happy Weekend.

Testing the waters…

Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Mar 232010

For the last few weeks, I’ve been testing myself with various trigger foods. Last week, I brought a jar of peanut butter into the house, and have been eating it in very small quantities (usually with a whole wheat English muffin in the morning).

After that, I scored some great dark chocolate (individually wrapped pieces) and allow myself one each evening. Sometimes I even open a bottle of wine, and drink 8 oz. worth after dinner. Strangely enough, the wine has been the hardest to withstand – it’s very tempting to go back for seconds.

Tonight I stopped at Trader Joe’s and bought a chunk of (gasp) real cheese – some Spanish sheep’s milk manchego, which is to die for (imo). For some reason, these little “tests” seem to be reinforcing my confidence in myself. In fact, I had a brainwave today – I was walking back to my car from the dentist’s office, and suddenly thought “This is it.This food plan working.” Yeah, it’s a somewhat vague epiphany, but for the first time in a very long time, I felt confident that my progress was going to continue. I’m not sure why I had this revelation in a parking lot, but I’ll take it wherever it comes.

My biggest fear is that no matter how much I “practice” eating and trying to conquer food, it will all come crashing down at a moment’s notice. I’m a little nervous about Katie and John’s upcoming visit, because I know I have a tendency to blow out when visiting or entertaining.

BUT on the other hand, maybe if I start indulging myself now, I’ll be content to continue the indulgences on the same small scale while they’re here, instead of going from famine to feast like I usually do. Hmmmm….something to think about.

“I Feel Fat”

Body Image 1 Response »

Mar 232010

I’m thinking that my life’s work should be to discover an antidote to the phrase “I feel fat”.

I know that even skinny girls “feel fat” once in a while. I know that weight/body/food strugglers feel fat (and feel thin) all the time – regardless of available evidence.

These past couple of weeks for me were a storm of virus, hormones, travelling, work stress and health worry. The virus stopped me exercising and the rest made for some chaotic eating. The result was that I “felt fat” and even watched the scales start to creep up to the point that I didn’t want to stand on them.

Because, you know, if you don’t weight yourself then the weight hasn’t changed.

If I had kept up the daily weighing, I would have seen the weight come down too but I let my “I feel fat” head rule for days. Then, yesterday before the MRI, I had to get weighed.

I’m happy to report that I don’t care about situations like that any more but I do guess what the number will be and I was thinking 153lbs because, well, I was “feeling fat”. Anyway – fully clothed, in the middle of the day, I weighed 148lbs. Absolutely fine, normal and not “fat”. Really. I need a brain transplant.

So I stepped on the scale this morning and all is well. I still have 9 days in which to NOT eat my worry about the results of the MRI but I’m so pleased to be starting from normal and not some silly imagined inflated weight.

And I still need to figure out an alternative to “feeling” when it comes to body image.

Working on the Transmission

Thoughts on the Process 1 Response »

Mar 222010

After my last Aha! moment, I haven’t made much progress. Transmission is stuck between R and N. No forward progress yet. I know that I can have some things in the house and not eat them all right now. I don’t know what things will cause a problem, but I suspect that large open bags of stuff will be harder to deal with than single servings. Because let’s face it, a large open bag IS a single serving, if I’m being honest and realistic. And if I’m not going to be honest and realistic, what’s the point? Without those things, I will never get my transmission into drive and start leaving some of these pounds in the dust. And I really want to do that. I want to be thin and fit and healthy. I know that. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my head lately, and what’s up there, besides lots of numbers (helloooo, I’m an accounting geek), is a strong desire to do this. I don’t want to do it for anybody but myself this time. Not so I can date, or look for a new job, or please my mother. It’s just for me! I love classic muscle cars. If I’m going to stick with the car analogy, then I am a rusty, barely functional 69 Camaro SS, sitting in somebody’s backyard, just waiting to look great again. And let’s face it–while the new Camaro is cool, the panache of a perfectly restored 69 Camaro SS is over-the-top awesome. I want to be that vintage 69 Camaro SS.

When Indeed….

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 212010

Donna wrote this the other day and I’ve been saving it for a post:

We have such a strange relationship with food. We know that we can eat quite large amounts of ‘good food’ (veggies, fruits etc) and we can also eat small amounts of ‘bad food’ (chocolate, fast food, wine). Instead of being content with that, we throw a temper tantrum because we want to do the reverse, i.e. eat small amounts of the good food while consuming large amounts of the bad food, and then we’re surprised when we gain weight. Please note that when I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’. When am I going to make peace with reality and stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed just because I want them to?

Can I ask that one again in two parts?

When am I going to make peace with reality?
When am I going to stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed?

Making peace with reality:

Over the past couple of years I’ve made peace with a couple of food/body realities:

My shape is my shape and nothing is going to change that. And it’s not a bad one. As the husband says, “No matter how much you weigh, you HAVE a shape and that’s good.”

Clothes are not going to automatically look good despite a smaller body. I no longer dream of wearing things that aren’t naturally going to suit my body shape. And that’s ok.

The “when I’m thin” fantasies of old are just that. I’ve got a thinner 48 year old body – not the thinner 21 year old body that I somehow used to see when I thought about the future me. I’m making peace with my belly because, though smaller, it’s here to stay.

My personality is such that I don’t always take the straightest, shortest route on any journey and that includes the one to food/body sanity. I’m ok with lots of detours and a longer than necessary journey – though I am getting a bit fed up now that I’m down to the last few pounds and I seem to be rolling backwards.

I simply can’t sustain enthusiasm for any length of time but that doesn’t mean I have to be fat and out of shape. I’m tend to live a feast or famine life – with spurts of energy for things like cooking and exercise. I just need to make sure that boring daily life involves getting off the sofa and filling my body with healthy food – even if it’s all done a bit lazily sometimes. There will always come a time when I want to run again.

Well – more peace in this life than I thought!

And what about wanting to change the laws of nature? Donna really pin-pointed an issue for me. It’s not an everyday thing but it certainly affects me when I’m feeling stressed about the unknown. No matter how many other things I seem to have got to grips with, when I want to relieve stress, I think about feeling full. And I don’t stop to think about all the possible foods that could have that effect. I instantly think of carbs and fat – rice and butter, bread and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, oats/ sugar/butter in any combination.

I don’t think of a large salad with a tin of tuna and some balsamic dressing. That would be filling and good and healthy but my dysfunctional brain can’t imagine it having the same comforting effect as oatmeal cookies or flapjack.

And when I’m feeling that no other food will do, I am completely oblivious to the laws of nature that state that, if I want to lose weight, I need to compensate for those calories somehow. Maybe even thinking about that would somehow take away the soothing effect of the food. It would break into that (very) temporary state of peace and ruin the whole point of the exercise.

To be honest, my inner stress eater scoffs at those people who suggest that a bath or a walk is as effective as food for stress relief even though I know it to be absolutely true. A bubble bath with a magazine is a major de-stresser. A run on a spring day has a huge mood improving effect. But I still want cheese and crackers. And I still want to lose weight.

And so I keep thinking and writing and making daily/hourly/minutely decisions about how this process is going to go.

All advice welcome- though most of it will probably be ignored because I seem to need to learn the hard way.

Post #154 – Cool Eh?

Things to try No Responses »

Mar 182010

I didn’t notice #150 passing by so thought I’d pause to celebrate this milestone. (pause, celebrate)

I got my hospital appointment for April 1st – two weeks from tomorrow. I was doing pretty well up to that point but now I just feel sick. Silly, really, because nothing is better or worse than before. Whatever is or isn’t wrong with me still is or isn’t wrong. In my logical world I get that. But in my crazy head, I still feel worried.

Deep breaths.

I stumbled over this BBC article from a couple of weeks ago. In my limbo state, this is exactly the kind of certainty that I would like.

swab
test
You should eat this amount of protein and this amount of carbs and this amount of fat for maximum, effortless (I added that – it’s my fantasy) weight loss.

Simple.

I need simple right now.

I’m off to London for a couple of days. It’s work but it should be distracting. The husband is coming with me – mostly because I don’t think he likes the idea of me careening down motorways at 80 mph when I’m stressed. I have pointed out that I did it last week just fine but I’m happy for the company. (And, actually, my driving was a bit loopy last week but I haven’t told him that.)

I’ve rebelliously put together a one hour workshop that does not contain even one powerpoint slide so I’m going to leave my laptop at home and read a book if I have any downtime.

Till the weekend then.

Shifting Gears Without Killing the Transmission

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Mar 172010

Time for a change in thinking. I was buying something I know I’m better off without. And buying more than one, knowing that they’d all be gone before tomorrow. That’s when it hit me. WHY DO I NEED TO EAT THEM ALL TODAY??? Ta-daaaaa! Shift in thinking. So if I buy several of them, eat them all at once, feel guilty, then deprive myself for days and days, what happens? I do the same thing all over again. What if (hang onto your hats!!) I bought some, and only ate ONE now. What if I had them there for if I wanted them, but felt that I didn’t really need one right now? Could I leave it till when I really DID want it? Turns out that the answer is yes. I CAN do that. In fact, during the times I’ve been successful in losing weight, that’s what I did. I bought something that I would parcel out a few points-worth at a time, when I wanted it. Journal it, eat it, enjoy it, move on. So I will be “playing” with that concept for the next few days. Let’s see if I can make it work again. Because I will do ANYTHING to be successful at weight loss, including having the occasional treat! (Big sacrifice, I know…) Stay tuned!

Stress and Hunger 2

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Mar 172010

Here’s what happened yesterday:

I’m going to try to update this throughout the day.

Things that are stressing me:

planning a workshop in a vacuum – ie don’t know how many people or what they already know

need to call the bank – no reason at all that this should be stressful but it is

need to chase up a hospital appointment that I have already called about twice. I hate being a pest. I hate sounding like I think I should be treated any differently than anyone else – but I also need to plan my next three months.

It took ages to get dressed, help the husband with some i.t. stuff, eat breakfast and face the BLANK PAGE that will be a superb one hour workshop.

10 – hungry – porridge, blueberries, yogourt

10:30 – call bank and cancel gym direct debit. I am now a runner rather than a rower. Better make the most of this weather

10:45 – a little hungry (why?) and a lot stressed – Make a mug of tea, move laptop into sunny kitchen, open French doors and breathe.

11:20 – suck it up and call hospital. She hasn’t had a response to her email. WE ALL KNOW THAT NO ONE RESPONDS TO EMAILS! (I did not yell this – I was very polite and very calm) “Oh yes”, she replies, “You’re the lady who wants to go on holiday.” IF IT WAS A HOLIDAY I’D CHANGE IT! ( I did not yell that either – I said it with a smile in my voice in a vain attempt to elicit sympathy.) I think she’s emailing again with a ! and we all know how ignorable those are. I don’t hold out much hope. I still gushed my thanks for all her help even though I now feel like crying.

SO still stressed. But not eating. The cracker container is still closed. I might have a banana.

11:30 very small banana

12:25 – got tired of waiting for squash to roast – 2 crackers with tiny weeny bit of butter.

12:45 – roast butternut squash

12:55 – not hungry but not full – 2 more crackers

Light Bulb Moment! I’m not craving carbs but FAT. Hence the butter on the crackers or peanut butter. OK so I’m craving fat but I don’t actually want to eat any more fat. What am I going to do?

I’m going to have another mug of tea and get on with my work.

2:00 Have worked a whole hour and not thought about food. Still not hungry but antsy. I would like to have a reason to go out for a walk. Perhaps I will invent a reason.

2:30 Sociable cup of coffee with the husband – now bit wired.

3:30 off to find food for dinner. I’m thinking roast chicken. We’ve got little potatoes and carrots.

Tuesday Morning

So I did go off to buy groceries but stopped by a clothes store first to do some therapeutic trying on. My bottom half can wear skinny. My top half cannot. Oh well.

Got home around 5 and…….fatal error- poured a glass of wine.

The food for the evening was ok but I’m noticing a very important dynamic in my family. When both the husband and I are stressed, no one has the drive and discipline to make sure that we’re eating very well. When we’re both on form, we plan, shop, prepare and clean up with energy and ease. When we’re both stressed, we open a can of corn and call it “vegetable”. We drink more than half a bottle of wine between us and the dishes are often sitting by the sink at bedtime. Instead of him dragging me off for a walk, we both watch the most ridiculous television that we both hate.

Reminder: All of these things are choices. What am I going to choose today?

Stress and Hunger

Things to try No Responses »

Mar 162010

This whole battle can be boiled down to

what?
when?
how much?

My normal “weight loss” day should look like this:

7 am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, banana

noon – 6 pm: soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, mug or tea

6 pm – bedtime : dinner with lots of veg, some carb and protein, a glass of wine, mineral water, decaf tea

My recent, “I can’t be bothered” day looks more like this:

7am – noon: 2 mugs of coffee, porridge, mug of tea, cracker with peanut butter, banana

noon – 6pm : soup and crackers or cottage cheese and fruit, a couple of clementines, piece of cheese, mug or tea, crackers, crackers, a couple more crackers.

6pm – bedtime: dinner with lots of veg, lots of carb and protein, 3 glasses of wine, mineral water, tea, crackers with butter & jam

The difference between losing weight and not is a few crackers, a bit of cheese, a dollop of peanut butter, a couple teaspoons of butter and some extra wine.

What’s with me and crackers?

The bigger question is what’s with me and needing to feel full when I’m feeling stressed?

Today I’m going to experiment with noting both my emotional feelings and my hunger levels throughout the day. I’m going to see what happens when I’m both stressed and hungry. I wonder if I really do just cease to exist? Or explode? Or fade away to nothing?

If I’m not back here tomorrow, you’ll know.

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Restoration Project Begins

No Doubts

Testing the waters…

“I Feel Fat”

Working on the Transmission

When Indeed….

Post #154 – Cool Eh?

Shifting Gears Without Killing the Transmission

Stress and Hunger 2

Stress and Hunger

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