20Nov09 More About Sugar
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Gracie’s post has got me thinking hard about why I’m no longer addicted to sugar.  There are still times when nothing but sweet will do – but they’re not nearly so bad or frequent as they used to be. I can satisfy the craving with a bit of chocolate rather than a huge bag of something.  I do know that it’s still hard to stop at one sweet treat and if I buy a large bar of chocolate, it’s going to be gone in one sitting rather than eked out over a week.  So I guess I’m not in any way “cured” – I just don’t assume any willpower around sweets.

OK – I think I’ve found the thought that stops me from eating junk most of the time:  It’s the phrase/knowledge/conviction that “It’s not worth it”.  The calories ingested are in no way equal to the pleasure gained.

Now a glass of lovely wine is worth it, but I’m not allowed to drink right now so that’s moot point.

A can of Coke is not worth it.

A small Green and Black’s butterscotch chocolate bar is worth it sometimes.

Maltesers are no longer worth it – especially the large bag that I used to cram down between the grocery store and home.

Pink grapefruit gelato is worth it, especially during a long walk along the beach.

Grocery store ice-cream with its “non-dairy fat products” (ie frozen vegetable oil) is NEVER worth it – especially for breakfast.  I know – not a good habit.

Restaurant desserts are almost always disappointing so not worth it.

A good cappuccino with a teaspoon of sugar is often worth it – and nice with a bite of whatever the husband is having.

I’m still not quite sure how I got to this point of peace without sugar.  I know that if I felt deprived it wouldn’t work.  Instead, I think I’ve finally really internalised the idea of choosing which FREEDOM I want.  Every once in a while I want the freedom to eat sugar and fat combined into a luscious something.  But mostly I like the freedom of my jeans zipping up and being able to run.

I can’t say that this is a permanent situation and there’s no way I would casually have large quantities of sweet treats in the house without a crowd of people to finish them off.  But one day I hope to be a grandma and I want to be the grandma with cookies in the cookie jar – rather than the grandma who meant well but ate all the cookies before the kids arrived.

Oh yeah – yesterday wasn’t a superb day as my ulcer or whatever it is was making me feel really ill.  Time to get this sorted out.

4 Comments Posted by Millie in Food, Thoughts on the Process
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19Nov09 TO DO
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I have lists on my Blackberry, lists on my laptop, lists in my brain and lists on paper.

Christmas list

Packing list

IMPORTANT for work list

This Week list (which is now over 3 weeks old)

Blog ideas list

Things to ask the doctor list

Meal planning list

Grocery list

If I didn’t have the lists, I probably wouldn’t sleep.  However, having so many lists gives me pinball brain and that is never good.

And what does this have to do with weight?  Everything.  Pinball brain gives me pinball appetite.  I bounce from cupboard to fridge to pantry looking for something to eat which will magically make the things on my list get done.

So I’m writing this down as a commitment to just do the things on the lists rather than eat the nervous energy caused by having so many things to do.

Since starting to write this, I’ve paused twice to make phone calls and send emails and already the “This Week” list has shrunk.  So it works.

Oh – I forgot to put colour roots on the list.

Pinball.

Oh yeah – Hormone Week Day 3 went well – if a little overshadowed by feeling ill with a suspected ulcer.  Life, eh?

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
18Nov09 Saying Goodbye to Old Favorites
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That’s what it feels like I’m doing since my blood sugar issue began–saying goodbye. But it’s turning into a much longer goodbye that it ought to be. I really believed that I would take responsibility for my health when the chips (no pun intended) were down. But it’s turning out to be harder than I thought to take care of myself. This needs to be a “pull off the bandaid quickly” kind of thing, not a long drawn out process. How do I make that happen?

2 Comments Posted by Gracie in Health
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18Nov09 Living with Hormones Day 2
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I took another break from journalling yesterday and just ate according to what my body seemed to want. That included a piece of cheese mid-morning and peanut butter on crackers mid-afternoon.   I would normally have eaten an orange or a banana at those times but I went with what I wanted rather than what I “should have”. Permission to not be perfect rules during hormone week.

This morning, I decided to journal it all in retrospect and found that,  by listening to my body, I ate smaller portions more frequently and ended up eating just within the weight loss range. I ate only 78% of my 5-a-day fruit and veg but other than that I was really pleased with the outcome.

Now – if my house had had any junk food at all, the outcome would have been different.  But I suppose that’s another measure of how far we’ve come in our family eating habits.  There was a time when, after dinner,  we’d get that wicked co-dependent glint in our eyes and someone would be on a junk food run before you could say “how many points in a giant Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar?”  But it didn’t even cross our minds yesterday as we snuggled down on the sofa for the evening.

Oh dear – that’s kind of depressing.  It reminds of my first ever Weight Watchers leaders.  And I sort of hated them.  But that’s another story.

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17Nov09 Hormone Week Day 1
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When I’m very hormonal, the emotional side of life ends up overblown and distorted – like looking at myself and all of life in a fairground mirror. Any situation that could possibly be decided by a win or a loss feels hugely stressful when normally I’m a happily competitive person – especially when competing against myself.  I usually enjoy seeing the results of a well-journalled eating day and it’s not the least bit stressful to see the feedback offered by the Nutracheck site.  Have I got in my 5 a day,  limited the alcohol, drunk enough liquid? Are the calories on track for a slimmer and healthier me? Is my fat consumption within a healthy range? Have I exercised?

But when my emotions are raw-edged, that feels like a huge amount of pressure and a ridiculous way to spend my life. So yesterday I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for and it went pretty well. I ate well, tried small portions and had more if I was still hungry and drank when I was thirsty – kind of what I imagine life will be like for the rest of my days! Untethering myself from the journal gave me a much needed break and giving myself permission to journal or not for this crazy week makes me feel that I might do it anyway.

Have I just discovered that half my weight loss battle is caring for the rebel within?  We’ll see……..

I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.I decided to put my journal aside for the day in order to listen to what my body was asking for.
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16Nov09 Hormones & Weight Loss
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It’s hormone week in Millie World.  My first clue was how much and how often I’ve wanted to eat over the past 48 hours.

This is week it seems easiest just to give in, take a break and face the scales philosophically next Saturday.  But this journey is about doing something other than what I’d normally do.

So I’m going to question the long-held personal wisdom that I need to feed fluctuating hormones.  Instead I’m going to feed my body and try my best to ignore the raging need for carbs.  No – I won’t ignore them – I’ll acknowledge them and write about what I’m feeling.  I’m going to try to be really honest here and I know this might not be a great week for losing weight. But I need to do something other than stuff my body full of excess calories for one week out of four.

I’ll check in each morning to see how it’s going.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Things to try
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15Nov09 Habit of a Dieting Lifetime: Accentuating the Negative
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On Friday, I put on my cords, did up my belt and realised that I’d moved over a hole on the belt and that’s a whole inch.  I undid it and tried again just to make sure I hadn’t accidentally pulled too hard – but no, it was really comfortable in that position.

On Saturday morning I stepped on my home scale and the number was exactly what I had hoped for.  All good.

Given the belt success, I measured my waist and have lost a “real” half inch – meaning that I didn’t pull the tape too tight or play any silly games just to get to a desired number.  Then I got the same result with the hips.  So all good again.

Then I popped down to WW.  Why do I go to that meeting?  Well…..after eating my weight in grief last winter, I wanted a little more face to face encouragement and accountability.  I know lots of people there – as in, I got weighed by the woman who had fed me dinner the night before.  It’s cosy  but in a challenging way.  But the cost to me is that I have to step on the scale.

Stepped on said scale and the sum total result for seven days of hard work was half a pound.  Half a pound?

Yes, I know what I wrote about  Scale Insanity.

If I go to a Weight Watchers meeting, I consider that weight unofficial and for their records only.

I also wrote:

The use of a scale doesn’t define me as a dieter any more than the use of an oven defines me as a chef.   It’s what role I give the scale in my life that defines me as a dieter.  As long as it’s just a tool to give me information, then I’m sane.  When it starts determining my self-worth, that’s a problem!

The reaction I had to a half pound reward for all my hard work means that I had completely slipped into dieting mode.  Despite the positive events of the previous two days, I felt genuinely disappointed.

So, while I spout off about lifestyle change, not a diet, blah blah blah, inside my little brain, I am obviously allowing the numbers on the scale to be the ultimate judge of my success.  So much more work to do.  But I’m willing to plough on – whether or not I actually feel like ploughing.

To quote my original post of July 2008,

So that’s what I’m going to ask of myself:

  • Come here for relationship and accountability.
  • Apply what I know even though old failing ways are more comfortable.
  • Work hard at it even though life isn’t always straight-forward.

I say this with no excitement whatsoever…….grim determination tinged with a little bit of hope.

Still keeping a promise to myself.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
13Nov09 Hungry Days
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Is it the rain?

The wind?

The combination?

The fact that it’s Friday?

Mid-cycle madness?

Whatever it is, my tummy has been rumbling all day.  Hungry hungry hungry.

It’s not the kind of hunger that can be quenched with a carrot so I’m doing my best to eat mindfully and only to feed the hunger and nothing else.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
12Nov09 Is it a Wall or a Milestone?
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Onederland

Stone Zone

I’m bilingual when it comes to weight.  I’m also aware that everyone seems to have a Wall Weight – that number that is particularly difficult to get past.

For North Americans it tends to be a number ending in zero or 5.

For the UK weight watchers it’s a number divisible by 14 or 7.  (Go here for an explanation of that one if you are a non-UK weights and measures nerd)

Why is that?  Given the cultural differences, it must be a psychological wall rather than a physiological one.  Regardless, it seems that it’s possible to sit on the heavier side of one of those numbers for ages and finally think – “I can’t do this any more.”   It’s really quite bizarre how I can imagine 140 flashing up on the scale but not 139.  I can imagine 10 stone even but not 9 stone anything.

I don’t know if this is at all useful but, for the rest of this journey, instead of looking at a wall looming in my way, I’m going to see a landmark about to be passed by on my way to where I want to be.   I’m not sure of my destination yet but I won’t let it be at a weight wall.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Things to try, Thoughts on the Process
10Nov09 The Last Ten Pounds?
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I’m now losing my last 10 pounds and I find myself buying into the idea that my body knows it too and that it has somehow decided to be difficult about letting it go.

The reality is that my body has no idea how much more weight I intend to lose.  It has no opinion on whether it will let go of 10 pounds or 20 or even 30 more pounds.  If it worked like that, people would never starve to death – but they do every day.  Our bodies drop weight when we eat fewer calories than we need to maintain our current body weight.

So why is it more difficult to lose the “last” ten pounds?

The fact is that I now weight almost 24 pounds less than I did when I started so my body needs fewer calories just to maintain this weight, never mind lose more.   It feels like I have to eat less and less in order to lose because I DO need to eat less and less in order to lose.  Because I still have the same nutritional requirements, I still need to eat about 1400 calories per day in order to be healthy.  So, if I want to lose at the same rate as I did 25 pounds ago, I need to move more on a daily basis.  It’s a stark choice and I often choose not to move so much so I lose slowly.

One of my favourite procrastination routines is to mess about with various online calculators and one of the best sites for weight loss calculators is Calories Per Hour.  It has a great explanation of basal and resting metabolic rates – well worth a read.  This is also the site I use to calculate how much I’m really burning while I’m exercising.  None of these things is exact but I’m far less likely to manipulate these calculations than WW Points, especially for exercise.

So – having messed about with calculators for a while, it looks like my 140 lb body will need around 200 calories less per day than my 170lb body.  OR, I have to burn those calories off through exercise if I want to eat as much as I used to.

It’s not as though I haven’t heard that before but I’ve certainly never believed it as true for me.  Hmmm.  Must remember this post when I’m struggling with maintenance.

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