27Jul10 More Thoughts on Family
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This morning as I was reading more of Women Food and God while working on the treadmill (wow, talke about multi tasking), I realized that while I’ve been pushing away family (see my previous post), I’ve also been chasing after it. The problem is that I’ve been chasing after some vision of a perfect family that just doesn’t exist because let’s face it, families are loud, messy, uncooperative and embarrassing. And that’s a ‘good’ family. But if I’m really honest and I stop worrying about how it sounds, I really don’t want to be spend time with my family as a group, I much prefer to spend time with individuals in my family. That’s why I get a bit claustrophobic when I have to deal with my entire family but I enjoy visiting with them separately. It’s why I don’t have a lot of patience with the squabbling between my 2 granddaughters when they both visit but I enjoy having them stay over 1 at a time.

Trying to force this whole vision of a perfect family on myself is only serving to make me unhappy. Perfect example was Christmas Eve. My picture of family on that day involved my step son and his live in girlfriend showing up about 2:30-3:00 pm with their 2 children. I would have some munchies prepared for them when they showed up. We would open gifts in the afternoon so the kids could play with their gifts while I finished preparing dinner. We would have a lovely dinner together and they would still be able to leave early enough so the kids could get to bed at their usual bedtime. Instead they showed up just before dinner after the hors d’oevres were cold, the kids were already tired and cranky. Their gift for me was a family picture, not in a nice frame, just the picture with some Christmas paper slapped around it. I know that money was tight for them and while a family picture might be a nice gift, it really wasn’t much different than the family picture they had given us a few months before. It felt like a complete disregard of me as part of their family. So, needless to say, my day was ruined because my picture of what should have been a lovely family day didn’t match reality.

My point is that every time I attempt to force my vision of what a family should be I end up disappointed and angry. And of course, that’s when I eat away my feelings.

BUT…..

The thing is, reality is never going to match my expectations because even if everything was perfect, it’s not really what I want. What I want is small amounts of time spent with individuals. I don’t want to be surrounded with a large noisy family. I’d be just as happy if a family dinner consisted of a bucket of take out chicken in the middle of the table. Is there any rule that says that I have to want a family? If I can accept that this is just the way I am and that I am not a freak, then I think I might just lift a huge weight off my shoulders.

1 Comment Posted by Donna in Thoughts on the Process
26Jul10 Getting Perspective
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I’ve taken a few days off – mostly because I’ve got deadlines – but partly because I needed to stand back for a bit to get some perspective.

I’m one of the few people I know who like installation art and one of my favourite installations is a collection of supposed fragments from a bombed out museum.  In order to look at it, you have to get very close to see what the fragments are,

then you have to stand way back to get a sense of the enormity of the piece.

If you stand back even further and watch people looking at the installation, you see a sort of slow dance of people walking up to the wall then backing away, then up and back again and again.

And I think that’s what this blog has become: you can see me peering carefully at my behaviour and my motives for a while and then watch me take a few steps back to try to get to grips with the whole picture.

I’m in that last week of my 3 months in this country and have so many deadlines and appointments that my first plan of action is to crawl back under the covers.

My second plan of action is to walk carefully through the next few days, acknowledging that I’m stressed about meeting up with the liver specialist and stressed about getting my business finances in order and stressed about chasing up late payments (WHY do the larger institutions treat the little guys so badly?).

I also confess to feeling stressed about not being where I wanted to be with the weight loss – but really, there’s nothing I can do about that so I’m going to relax  for the moment, stand back and take a good look at the big picture, ideally without the company of unrefined carbohydrates.

I will also go for a run or two or three despite the weather and despite my sincere desire to stay in my pjs and watch endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls.

2 Comments Posted by Millie in Last Ten Pounds, Thoughts on the Process
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21Jul10 Coming Back from a Binge – Last 10lbs
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One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back.  I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print.  In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.

So what happened to 139, you ask?

Indeed.

So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.

EX V: I want to weight 139lbs

IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.

EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.

IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.

EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.

IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.

And finally,

EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.

IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).

So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.

On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months.  I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!

And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday.  So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.

2 Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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20Jul10 As if to prove a point…..
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Was it because I was thinking about binge eating?

Or was it just that the “perfect storm” was approaching and there was nothing I could do about it?

On Saturday, I listed the life ingredients that can cause me to binge.  So why didn’t I mention that I was feeling several of those things, and that I was going to have to negotiate a social event and then 2 days alone?  In other words, why didn’t I admit that the clouds were building and I needed a plan to avoid doing what I was obviously going to do?

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling grumpy and twitchy.  No amount of exercise or healthy food made me feel better.  I kept fast-forwarding through the next couple of weeks and allowing myself to stress about the “to do” list.  I also allowed myself to turn “what I want” into “what I must do”.  That’s not a good mind-set for me.

That night we had friends over and I just wanted to have fun.  Nothing at all in any way wrong with that, but I wasn’t admitting to myself that I couldn’t imagine reigning myself in again.

I woke up the next morning with a bit of a hangover and a weird impatience for the husband to leave on his business trip and let me get on with my work.  Ha! I DID have plans for work but there was that almost-but-not-quite-subconscious alter-ego making plans for what I was going to eat once he was out of the house.

And eat is what I did.  It wasn’t particularily junky food and some of it was even planned.  But it was pretty non-stop and way way too much for any woman of my size and stature. And, of course, there was baking.

This morning, I woke up feeling vaguely ill and it took me a long time to get out of bed to face the day (and myself).

What were my choices?

  • I could do it again because I have another day alone, but I’m relieved to say that didn’t appeal at all.
  • I could put it behind me and relish the clean slate – zero the journal and act as though today was the first day of the week.

But I wasn’t sure that was quite right either.  I’ve definitely moved on from blowing a whole week/month/year but now I need to move myself along a little further.  It’s GOOD that I’m willing to draw a line under negative eating behaviour and move on.  But it’s better to look back and FACE IT before I wipe it off.

That’s the difference.  I’ve been moving on without looking back, without learning from my rather spectacular crash and burn episodes.  So I went back to my journal and wrote down everything I could remember eating in the past 48 hours.  And I remember a lot – partly because much of it was planned so it was only the significant “extras” that I needed to remember.

The total?

  • Sunday: 2600 calories
  • Monday: 2500 calories

That’s  interesting because I would have thought I’d eaten much more yesterday.  At least, my mindset was much less healthy while I was eating yesterday so it felt like a binge rather than just eating too much with friends.

An the outcome of this exercise?  Well – basically, the “worst” I can do isn’t all that bad.  My ultimate disaster – the shameful binge – is actually just a couple of days of overeating.  I reset my Nutracheck goal for this week to “maintenance” and all of a sudden it’s all completely retrievable.  I will keep running and walking and eating sensibly and I’ll leave it a couple of days to weigh myself.

But it’s all ok.  It is.

I may have just disarmed the binge. I’ll keep you posted.

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18Jul10 More Self Analysis
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So picture this, growing up in the middle of 9 children and yet not feeling like belonging. I was a redhead surrounded by brunettes. Granted Larry had reddish hair but he was so much older than I and by the time I got old enough to notice his hair was already more sandy coloured whilst mine was RED. Also, everyone else tanned and my skin was white white white. It was not unusual for me to be standing in the middle of my brothers and sisters and have someone ask me who I was, assuming that I was not a Moffatt. This has always stayed with me because I remember with a lot of fondness those adults who not only knew I was a Moffatt but also knew my first name. I raise this because it was one of the first things that started my feelings of separation from ‘family’. Surely not you say, how could anyone who has 5 brothers and 3 sisters feel separate from them? There must be things you had in common. Well, let’s see, some of them were musical, could sing and/or play instruments. I can’t carry a tune and can’t play anything. Some could dance (we’re talking tap dance, ballet, etc) and while I love to dance I’m not exactly coordinated. Some were athletic, but I do well to walk and talk at the same time. Some are artistic, I have difficulty drawing stick people.

Likely none of this would have made much of an impact but I was sick for much of my childhood, separating me even further as I spent so much time alone. A strong early memory was being on my own in the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. With 8 other children at home of course it would have been impossible for either of my parents to have stayed with me.

So what is my point? I guess that I’m coming to realize that the separation of me from the rest of my family has continued, mostly due to my own actions. Even more, I’ve separated myself from the institution of Family. I made the decision not to have children, not something that I regret but is not completely understood by anyone else in my family. I even went so far as to move several provinces away. For many years I didn’t cook and at every family gathering I was the one who brought pickles and buns. It wasn’t that I couldn’t cook but that everyone else could.

What has all this to do with weight? I’m not 100% sure but I am beginning to suspect that I need to keep following this line of thought. After all, if it’s not about food then I have to figure out what it is about.

No Comments Posted by Donna in Thoughts on the Process
18Jul10 The Perfect Bingeing Storm – Last 10 lbs
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Donna’s post about bingeing really got me thinking about what it is throws my eating into disarray.

I don’t usually get food crazy because of just one thing. Instead, my worst behaviour needs both an emotional reason and an opportunity.

In no particular order:

  • hormones
  • fear of the unknown – the big picture – like not having a pension or proper jobs but a mortgage that runs till we’re 70.
  • fear of the unknown – the little picture – like work that needs doing but I’m not sure how it will go.
  • anger
  • boredom
  • grief
  • feeling constrained by the weight loss process
  • confused feelings about losing weight (more fear of the future, perhaps?)
  • over-eating in a social situation- ie buying into the “off the wagon” mindset

Alone, each one of those things is usually manageable.  I can go for a walk, talk to someone, go to bed, get myself distracted.  But in certain circumstances, any of those things can be the catalyst for the “perfect storm”. And the circumstances are?

  • being alone
  • having simple carbs in the house, even just as ingredients.
  • having company but being angry at said company (not naming names but he knows who he is. :) )

These situations aren’t like the times that I just sit around with friends and eat too much in a social context.  What I’m talking about is the next level – the step beyond eating too much in a happy, normal, celebratory way.

For some people that will mean eating 2 loaves of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a cake and donuts all in one sitting.  For others it will mean eating a couple of chocolate bars or 2 bowls of cereal.  For me, it’s about making sure that I feel full all day long.  It’s not the quantity of food but the mindset that defines bingeing.

The post-binge shame is such a terrible place to have to pick yourself up from.  It always feels like “sqare one”, as though you’ve made no progress at all, as though you have to figure out the process all over again.

The worst time for me was after my dad died and I was alone with my grief for a whole month.  I would wake up feeling ok but the “must be full” mindset hit by early afternoon and I would self-medicate until bedtime, get up and do it all again.  And every day, after the upsetting experience of visiting my brain-injured mom, I would head to the grocery store, creating the perfect opportunity to think that a bag of Cheetos or a loaf of olive bread looked like a viable supper option.

People who do this are not obese losers who don’t take care of themselves.  We’re people who’ve learned over time that food offers (very) temporary relief from something that we don’t want to deal with in the light.

In the light.  That’s where eating should be done – like the rest of our living.  And we should speak our worries and fears and define our sadness and bring it all into the light.  Healing doesn’t happen in the murky darkness where bingeing takes place. (That’s a note to self.)

Peace, not perfection.

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17Jul10 Why?
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I binged yesterday. At first I was going to say that I don’t know why I binged but I think that might not be true. I think that I’m stressed about a number of changes and uncertainties in my life right now and I don’t do well with change and uncertainty. While the idea of building and moving into a new house is exciting it is also really scary for me to go back into a mortgage, even if it will be quite a small one. I worry about being laid off even though there is no reason to think I will be. I am totally terrified of owing more than I can pay, of being homeless, penniless. What is strange is that I have never been any of these things. We had little money growing up but we were never needy. But this has always been a pretty deep rooted fear of mine. So yesterday I binged to drive away the fear. Unfortunately it doesn’t work, not even while the binge is taking place.

People who binge talk about feeling good while they are eating, they talk about eating to numb the fear/pain whatever. I don’t get that release. Yesterday, I realized that I just felt sad – before, during and after. So obviously the binge didn’t help anything, it only added sadness to the stress. Oh, and a sense of shame. Let’s not forget the shame. Because let’s face it, I’m ashamed that as self aware as I am, I still can’t turn that into change. Maybe the changes that cause me stress also resist allowing me to change myself. Maybe the comfort that I feel in my old bad habits are stronger than any incentive that I can find to replace them with something that will get me to my weight loss goals.

I wonder if I can allow myself to take a chance that I will probably never be homeless, starving, deep in debt and needy? Knowing that binging only makes me sad, can I give it up? Honestly, I don’t know.

1 Comment Posted by Donna in Thoughts on the Process
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16Jul10 More On Slow Dieting – Last 10lbs
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Thanks to the weighing every day exercise, I’m now unmoved by the little ups and downs – but a lack of progress these past few weeks has really started to get to me. So I decided to look back at my most successful times of weight loss and do what I did then to get the same results.

What started as a straight-forward quest for information turned into a chance to stand back and see the big picture of these last couple of years.

Jan 2008 – Jul 2010:  The Show So Far

Jan 2nd 2008 – Weigh in heavier than any non-pregnant weight.  170 lbs

Jan, Feb, Mar – work really hard and lose 12ish pounds for a family wedding. (That’s from memory as I only kept my starting weight) 158ish lbs

Apr, May, Jun, Jul – Ditch gym, stop journalling (ie stop trying) and gain back all but 5 pounds. 165 lbs

On July 21st I step on the scale and something changes in me.   I weigh 165 lbs and am fed up, but I’m then galvanised by something Mardee writes over at BCB.

Aug & half of Sep – I lose 9 pounds by working hard and writing about working hard. It’s the first time I can see real change in my attitude towards the process of losing weight.  I’ve looked back at my NutraCheck journals and I was eating 1600 calories a day and counting things like cleaning and shopping as “exercise” – but I lost steadily over those 6 weeks.  Interesting and not sure what to do with that information.  156 lbs

Mid-Sep, Oct, Nov - I rush home to Canada to be with my dad because my mom is taken ill.  I lose a further 6lbs by simply being too busy and anxious and sad.  I’m also never alone in the house, so don’t engage in the usual bingeing behaviour brought on by that sort of stress.  I continue to lose a couple of pounds in November (148 lbs) once it’s decided that I need gynae surgery which leads to…….. 

Dec, Jan 2009 – Yes it’s Christmas and the kids are home and it’s festive – but I’ve also decided that I’ve lost weight so easily these past 5 months because I’m actually dying of cancer.  I start to eat to prove to myself that I can gain weight.  And guess what?  I do!  Up 5 lbs between Christmas celebrations, health insanity and then recuperation time. 153 lbs And then….

Feb - At the end of Jan, just when I’m starting to feel like myself again, my dad dies.  I fly home, go see a brain injured mom every day and sit alone in his empty house for a month – and eat my grief for both of them.  Walking saves me from anything worse than a 3 pound gain but that’s 8 over all and I go home feeling like I’m starting again – only this time I’m sad as well as determined. 156 lbs

Mar, Apr, May, Jun – Go back to Weight Watchers and lose 5 lbs in 4 months.  But I’m at the gym a lot so my body is changing and I’m not frustrated by the slow weight loss.  The net loss for 12 months is 21 pounds.  149 lbs And what a ride.

Jul, Aug, Sep, Oct – Back to Canada for the summer then return to the UK and Weight Watchers.  I’m playing with the same pound or two.  I’m no longer writing, not excited about the old Bootcamp board and in need of a change.  I know that WW isn’t really the answer for me even though I love the people. I am faffing around and going nowhere – so I decide to start this blog.  150 lbs And then…..

Nov – I lose 7 pounds in a month and look great.  I’ve also got chronic stomach issues and am once again flung back into the medical system.  Looking for gall stones, they find “something” on my liver.  Here we go again with the, “It’s been way too easy to lose weight, I’d better eat to make sure I’m not dying” thinking. 143 lbs And guess what?

Dec, Jan 2010 - It’s Christmas!  And I’m eating to prove I’m not dying and I gain weight.  This is not a pattern I expected to see.  It’s very interesting that the two times I’ve been down towards the weight I want to be, I haven’t been well so I bounce away from it as fast as I can. 147 lbs

Feb, Mar & half of April – I sort of try but am pretty caught up in either seeing doctors or worrying about seeing doctors.  I really do lose my mind when my health is out of wack. Lose 3 pounds  – mostly in a couple of weeks where I paid attention. 144 lbs

Apr, May - I’m worried about the fact that I lost weight while feasting over Easter so yet another episode of “eat to prove I’m not dying”.  Then back to Canada to sit alone in a house, not grieving this time but worrying about the thing on my liver. I have this mindset that, if something’s seriously wrong, then why bother with worrying about eating and exercise? I gain 5 pounds in the process. 149 lbs

May - There’s an awful lot of thinking about the weight loss process but not an awful lot of  DOING. I’m tempted to call “failure!” but the fact is that I still didn’t gain significant weight.  And this time, just seeing a couple of pounds up made me recommit to doing something for myself – to getting what I want rather than sitting around talking about what I want.  148 lbs

Jun, Jul  (ie now) I decide to go for what I want and what I want is to weigh in the 130′s – anywhere in the 130′s will do.  I also decide that, if I end up really sick, I want my body to be in the best shape it can be. (I’m still waiting on the official plan of action re: the liver) I’ve been running and feeling stronger and breathing better.  I know that I can get results with the weight loss if I don’t let my social life get in the way. Today I weigh 145 lbs.

And that’s the show so far.  Two and a half years from seeing that 170 on my scales.  Two years from deciding to write about the process of stopping the weight loss/weight gain pendulum.

Have I stopped the pendulum?  Not completely, but the swings are much much smaller than they were two years ago.

  • I know that a 25 pound weight loss doesn’t happen on a straight road. Life means curves, switchbacks, deadends and hellish hairpin bends.
  • I no longer do “all or nothing”.
  • I no longer think in terms of on and off wagons.
  • I know (boy do I know) that life just gets in the way sometimes.
  • I know that it’s possible to keep going anyway.
  • I know that sometimes weight will apparently fall off me – usually when I’m stressed.
  • I know that exercise helps me stay emotionally balanced.
  • I know that I can do this.

I have every intention of being where I want to be when the calendar ticks over to 2011. God willing. Health willing.

Am I the least bit embarrassed that it could take 3 years to lose 30 lbs?

No! Just incredibly grateful for the chance to sort out issues which have affected my life since childhood. And, when I say “sort out”, that doesn’t mean I have illusions of perfection. It means I know it’s possible to be sane and balanced and content with my body and my eating.

“Peace not perfection”  is the slow weight loss motto.

3 Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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14Jul10 28 Calorie Banana
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We always get the little bananas but this one takes the cake.  Wish we could always get them this size.

Just add 10g of peanut butter for an 88 calorie post-run snack.

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13Jul10 Cortisol & Fat – Last 10lbs 31/42
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I get frequent emails from RealAge – you know, health news for people with no attention span, which suits me just fine most days.  Usually I read and delete but yesterday I got fed up with the words “a new study” or “recent research” that they throw out there all the time.

One of yesterday’s tidbits interested/annoyed me enough to go looking for the original research.

According to the abstract, the researchers’ hypotheses were:

that dieting, or the restriction of caloric intake, is ineffective because it increases chronic psychological stress and cortisol production—two factors that are known to cause weight gain; and to examine the respective roles of the two main behaviors that comprise dieting—monitoring one’s caloric intake and restricting one’s caloric intake—on psychological and biological stress indicators.

Basically they wanted to prove that dieting fails because both reducing calories and tracking calories increase stress levels.

121 women were split into four groups:

  • monitoring & restricting – ate 1200 calories/day and tracked their caloric intake
  • monitoring only – tracked their calories but ate normally
  • restricting only – were given 1200 calories per day in prepared food so not tracking was needed
  • control – ate normally and did not track calories

The results?

Restricting calories increased the total output of cortisol, and monitoring calories increased perceived stress.

The RealAge advice based on this one study?

So while it’s good to think about what you’re putting in your mouth, don’t obsess about it. Watch portion sizes, choose healthy foods, be aware of how many times you visit the snack cupboard, but don’t make things too difficult.

I do get the point about stress and obsessing and fully accept that starvation is bad, but I think the overall advice is pretty poor. And I’m especially pissed off that they make it sound like “eating more” and “winging it” are going to help you reduce belly fat!  BELLY FAT: every woman’s enemy.  I can’t believe that an editor didn’t stand back from both the headline and the advice and think, “Oh no – that could do more harm than good to overweight people who are completely out of touch with how much food they really need.  And using the belly fat thing is probably a little too emotive.”  You’d think. You really would.

Pamela Peeke has come up with a much more reasoned response. And yes, I think it’s reasoned because I’ve had similar thoughts myself.

I hadn’t realised quite how angry that one little email made me.  Maybe we should do some research into the effect of poorly thought out health advice on cortisol levels then we could follow it up with a really helpful headline and a “tip of the week”.

Flatten your belly with this reading habit.

If you want to lose belly fat, don’t read snippets of health advice on the internet.

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