Well well well – look what I found in our 92-93 photo album.
Every Weight Watchers “Failure Story” (results are typical) must have photographic evidence and here is mine.
BEFORE – early Sept 92 – before quitting Weight Watchers.
AFTER – December 92 – after quitting Weight Watchers – what a difference a few months makes. I have a feeling that I lost a few pounds before I went back to Weight Watchers. It looks like I’ve put on a lot more than 7lbs.
So here are some old Weight Watchers cards that represent sixteen weeks of my life when I was thirty-one years old. In North America, WW is legally obliged to attached the words “Results not typical” to their success stories. If WW ever wanted to do a spread of “Failure Stories”, they’d be very welcome to these little documents that have somehow survived three house moves including one to a different continent.
So what did I notice first? The incredible 8 lb loss in the first two weeks. As a WW veteran, I had obviously worn heavy clothes and eaten a big breakfast before my first weigh-in just to make sure that there were some results that first week. Incredible.
The next thing I notice is the goal weight range for my height: 139 – 118. Eighteen years later the range is 150 – 120. I know this has to do with the advent of BMI but, at 150lbs I’m definitely overweight.
And then, at only 9 weeks in, I give up the ghost at 148.5lbs. (10 stone 8.5lbs) I think that’s where I get more comfortable in my own skin. It’s probably where my “small clothes” start fitting. So I quit in September and look what happens next after October, November, December……
I’m guessing the clothes were getting tight and I was feeling uncomfortable in my own skin again. I’d ditched the diet and certainly didn’t believe that I needed to follow the WW guidelines in order to keep the weight off. So I’m up 7 lbs (that significant half a stone, I now know) and clearly not too enthusiastic about doing it all again as I lose 4, skip a week and gain 1 back.
I get my act together for a bit, then after a gain, quit again despite my optimistic goal of 134lbs. (9 stone 8lbs)
Now here’s a public confession. To the best of my knowledge – which may be a bit dodgy – I did that in 1979, 1980 and 1981. I then lost a pile of weight with one of those 500 calorie a day diets supervised at a clinic. I kept the weight off till I had kids then I think I did it again in 1991, 1992, 1993 – moved to England and did it in 1995, 1998, 2000, 2001 and 2003.
This may mean that I’m not quite sane – but it’s an insanity that I share with millions of women over the entire world. You see, WW works – that’s why I kept going back – but it only works as long as I do.
So, what finally changed? After thirty years I stopped looking for a quick fix and I stopped looking outward – to a program or a book or a diet – to give me the solution to a lifetime of being overweight. Instead I started looking inward and using the other stuff as tools to help me on my way.
The other day an old friend who I hadn’t seen for ages remarked on how slim I was looking. “What have you been doing?” And for the first time, my answer was not, “Oh you know, the same old Weight Watchers – I’m sure I’ll do it again next year.” (Yes, I really used to say that.) Instead, my answer was, “I’m blogging – writing it all down and getting to grips with why I eat in the first place.” It was the first time I realised that this is my main weight loss tool. I like that.
My long awaited specialist appointment can be summed up in the following conversation:
Me: Can you explain the ultrasound results? My gp said they were unusual.
Doc – with many many years of training: No. We can explain the usual but not the unusual. That’s why it’s unusual.
Ok, thanks. He was actually a good, non-patronising human being but he also wasn’t going to tell me there was nothing to worry about. Instead, and I quote again, he said, “There is both worry and no worry”, which I’m pretty sure translates to, “It could be something; it could be nothing”.
SO. ……my big challenge is to live as though it is nothing, even though that not-so-little-voice is BOOMING in my ear that it bloody well could be fatal. You see my challenge.
So now I’ve said it, I’m going to write as though everything is fine and I will keep doing that until I know something to the contrary. That’s called “Faking It” and it’s not one of my born talents. I prefer blabbing out the truth of the matter even if it’s not warranted in that situation. But this time I’m going to hold it in – or at least express it sparingly and in the right arena.
In the process, I’ve got to get over the feeling that I’m an idiot to concentrate on losing weight if I’ve actually got something seriously wrong. I actually had a conversation with myself at the gym yesterday and came to the conclusion that I should lose weight and get fit ESPECIALLY if I’ve got some physical thing to fight.
Well, another “duh” moment on this journey.
Tomorrow – WW weight loss cards: the story of my life.
I’ve not been writing because I’ve been too busy worrying. Sad but true. I function ok when I’m stressed – unless that stress is caused by worry. That is, caused by something that gets worse rather than better by trying to think it through.
I’m not a huge worrier by nature but I’m a persistent worrier when it takes hold. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging.
But here I am, pushing past the worry and still trying to get off these last few pounds. Of course, if I was really trying, they’d be gone. I’m only sort of trying………probably because worry lends itself to being squashed down with food.
For days I’ve been fighting the urge to eat and losing most of the battles so, yesterday, I decided to change tack and give into my need to feel full and not have to prepare much.
Here are the essential elements of my Worry Wort Diet:
Here’s today’s menu:
I don’t have a huge amount of work to day while I wait for news on funding for 4 separate projects. I live in from feast to famine on so many levels of my life. Right now it just means that I need to keep busy, try to balance my time between things that need to be done and things that I want to do.
I won’t be blogging tomorrow unless a bit of late inspiration hits me on return from the hospital.
I think that’s what I’m doing–trying to move forward with my gearshift lever stuck solidly in neutral. And being the genius I am, I can finally see that it isn’t working. (I say that with love and a chuckle, not with self-loathing or criticism.) Now what do I do with this faulty transmission? I hold on to old behaviors (“Just a small bag of gummy whatevers” and “it’s ok to keep that in the house because I won’t eat it all right now” and “I can skip working out today cuz I’ll do it tomorrow”) and expect to make great strides in weight loss and fitness gains. No great strides will be made until my transmission is firmly in drive. I would describe that as actually doing the things I need to do to move forward–keeping the junk out of the house, working out whether I feel like it or not, realizing that what I’m doing is the definition of insanity, which is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Not gonna happen. Now how do I make some forward progress? It doesn’t have to be a huge leap forward, just a small forward motion, kind of like when I was learning to ride a motorcycle. A little throttle, and ease up on the clutch, until I found the sweet spot where I could control the speed and keep the bike upright and moving even through impossibly tight turns. You can’t always just fly full-throttle up the road. Sometimes there needs to be a bit of course-correction. And so far, my only course-correction was to slam on the brakes and revert to old behaviors. A little finesse would be good here. A light touch, surveying the road ahead for signs of trouble, and using some course-correction if needed. (Can you tell the biker in me can’t wait to get the bike out this spring? I’m itching to feel the wind in my h…ok, I wanted to say “hair” here, but let’s be honest, it’ll always be “wind in my helmet.” ;-P ) I’m taking the basic riding course again in spring. Why? Because I’m not satisfied with my progress, and I know I can’t improve if I don’t do something different. Why is it so hard to realize that doing something different is exactly what I need for other areas of my life too??
I’ve got a list somewhere that I can’t quite recall – maybe in my head. This list is studies that I would like to do or at least read the results of.
The study that came to mind yesterday would be titled something like: The effects of diet and exercise on self-perception.
All the participants would be chosen according to negative body image then grouped so that some did nothing at all, some dieted only and some exercised only. They would be (somehow?) prevented from weighing or measuring themselves for three months and instead asked to review regularly how they feel about their bodies.
The final analysis would correlate improved or reduced positive self-perception with intensity and type of exercise, injury and, of course, final weights and measurements.
I’m pretty sure that the exercise group would show the most gains regardless of weight lost.
And I feel that way because, after two trips to the gym, I feel better about my body. My feelings can’t be because I’ve lost a pound and a half of water weight. Instead, I think exercising makes me like my body more because I like what it can do. I value it because I see how I can stress it and it can bounce back. I feel more in touch with it because I’m aware of my muscles and my lungs.
Just a thought.
And when I find that list you will be dazzled by the vast volume of useless information/ desire for useless information that clogs my brain.
It’s doppelganger week on facebook and I’ve been reminded of my total lack of visual recall. Basically, I don’t accurately remember what anything or anyone looks like. Instead, I remember vaguely and the result is that every time I say, “Doesn’t he look like so-and-so?!”, the answer is, “No, not at all.”
That applies to myself. Beyond dark brown hair and greenish eyes, I’m not so good at describing myself.
I’m not sure that this face recognition software is any better than my warped memory. It’s first choice was Jared Padalecki! Young, sort of pretty in that mannish way – oh dear, this isn’t doing much for my self-image, though I suppose he could be my son. 
I tried three different photos and the only celebs to come up on all three were Lucy Lawless (me, Xena? I don’t think so)
and the inevitable Liza Minelli. 
On reflection, the program picked up on my small features, jawline, eyes that squint when I smile and the bangs/fringe (depending on your nationality).
Who I really wanted to show up was Isabella Rossellini. In middle age, of course. I guess she doesn’t look like me at all – see – told you I didn’t know what I looked like except in a vague way. She does have dark hair.
And how does this relate to body sanity?
Well, I’m sitting here weighing 23 pounds less than I did two years ago but I don’t see it. I want to see it. I turn 49 in less than three months and by the time I’m 50 I want to know what I look like. I want to see the difference between me at 170 and me at 140 – not just in photos but in the mirror – clothed, naked, face, body – every which way.
I can’t fix the visual memory problem – that’s part of me. But I do want to sort out the body image thing.
Edit!
I found a photo from two Christmases ago and stitched it together with one from this Christmas.
OK – I see the difference. How come I don’t see it in the mirror? And how come I don’t see the changes as I gain weight?
I truly hope to one day have the answers to those questions.
I’ve discovered the benefit of keeping online documents: it’s easy to see what you’ve done right and wrong over a period of time.
The week that I had the most encouraging weight loss:
The surprising thing is that I didn’t get to the gym that week – which worries me a little because I don’t want to lose muscle rather than fat. However, I did walk on four days. Still – I’d rather have a lower weight loss and a better shape.
Besides daily wine, what else wasn’t on the menu?
OK, I’m sitting here thinking, do I want to lose weight more than I want to drink wine? It’s a serious question. For the next week I’m going to say Yes.
Do I want to exercise more than I want to hibernate? The honest answer is No – but- I want to lose weight more than I want to hibernate so I’ll go.
Do I want to be free from journalling and measuring more than I want to lose weight? Hmmmm – Yes – but for the next week I’ll sacrifice the freedom to grab to food and eat it for the freedom to zip up my jeans.
It’s all about choosing between freedoms.
I just read over the menu again and I’m happy to say that it’s all food that I’d eat even if I weren’t trying to lose weight. It’s all tasty and filling and colourful. So my challenge isn’t so much what but how much.
I’ve been thinking about this for days but Gracie’s post from yesterday has helped me get it into words.
In order to get weight off and keep it off, I need an element of enthusiasm for some aspect of the process but, over 30 years of dieting, something has happened to mine.
Basically I see enthusiasm as running along a continuum from Crippling Ennui to Dangerous Euphoria.
I’ll start with Euphoria – the degree of enthusiasm I fear the most.
It’s the dark side of enthusiasm which involves an addictive personality. It causes things in life to become the sole focus – taking up way more energy and time than they should. It can be work or love or dieting or exercise. In my experience it always leads to great failure and deep despair.
I sometimes crave the buzz and wish I could do a happy dance when I lose weight but I simply won’t let myself. I refuse to be motivated by the feelings that losing weight and exercising give me. When that’s my motivation, I end up cranky when life gets in the way of a diet plan or a run. And it doesn’t take long for me to realise that I can’t sustain the degree of commitment required to get the same hit of euphoria. The quest for euphoria is too exhausting and too short-term.
Euphoria is the unhealthy by-product of plain old Enthusiasm. I like enthusiasm when it’s attached to action – but it’s rare to find enthusiasm that isn’t all talk.
Hmmmm – even as I write this I find that my cynical self is saying, “No you don’t. You hate enthusiasm in all its guises.” OK, it’s true, I hate enthusiasm – but I do know that this a weakness on my part. I’m sometimes jealous of enthusiastic people – I covet their energy but my inner dialogue usually involves mutterances of the “just you wait” variety.
It’s this lack of love for enthusiasm that makes WW meetings hard to bear. I really don’t want to clap for the obese woman who lost 8 pounds in her first week. I’m not being petty and jealous; I just don’t want her to get her hopes up.
Hmmm again- I understand that, no matter what positive thing is happening in my life, I see a shadow lurking around the corner. In all honesty, life itself has taught me to think like that but, even so, it’s something I would do better without. Perhaps I should embrace enthusiasm a little more. Just a bit. Clap a little harder. Mutter a little less. Let me think about it.
Sorry- nope – not going to happen…..just thinking about that makes me feel earnest and that would be deadly. Sorry. No.
Now I’m going to skip to the other end where Boredom meets Ennui.
Ennui is the flip-side of Euphoria. If Euphoria is the dangerous daughter of Enthusiasm then Ennui is Boredom’s toxic son. It goes beyond a lack of desire to do something positive and lands at a lack of desire to do anything at all which, for me, is depression. I do everything in my power to avoid this extreme even if it means not losing weight while I get sorted. When I say I fear Euphoria, it’s because this is what it leads to.
Good old fashioned Boredom, however, is just the standard place where many of us find ourselves after a lifetime of dieting. We know the drill. We know what’s going to happen in weeks 1 and 2. We know how many weeks in the gym it’s going to take to feel fitter. We know which belt hole goes with which number on the scale. Boredom is only a very bad thing when the thought of it prevents us from doing what we need to do. I’m kind of there right now. I need to get past that, shake up my routine a little and just do what needs to be done because I know that putting one foot in front of the other will take me to where I want to be.
So where do I want to be? I’m going to call it Reality. This is the stage where I can do what I need to do and truly enjoy the small rewards of eating well and liking what I see in the mirror. It also involves accepting my flaws and celebrating my real self in the context of my whole life – not just a weight loss routine.
More introspection…… I’m the child of a man who loved us all deeply but couldn’t say it. He didn’t know how to frame the words, “I’m proud of you”, whether we’d achieved a little or a lot. I’m happy to report that the last words he ever said to me were out of pride and gratitude and I’m incredibly thankful that at the very end of his life he found a way to say it – out loud, in front of others.
However, the 48 years leading up to that moment involved some pretty hard work trying to get approval where none was forthcoming and that leaves its mark. At some point in my adult life I decided that I could no longer spend my days looking for affirmation. I don’t remember it happening, but I find myself, today, not nearly so motivated by what people might say about me if I accomplish something. I write because there are an awful lot of words that I need to express. I work because I’ve got something to offer. I have friendships with people who bounce back love and laughter and caring.
That doesn’t mean I reject positive comments. I like to be affirmed. No, I love to be affirmed. But I don’t let the possibility of a compliment be the reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Usually.
So that’s where I want to be: feet on the ground, success in small steps, encouragement without euphoria. I want to celebrate real success. When I’ve been at my chosen weight for a whole year – that’s when you’ll hear the celebrations. I might even allow myself a touch of euphoria. And a small happy dance. Then I’ll get on with year two.
As posted on BCB today: I’ve been thinking a lot today, and I can’t come up with anything new to do to help me stay the course. That means that the only course of action is to fall back on the remedial mindset. No click, but I gotta do it. No burst of positive energy. No amazing insight that leads to an “Aha!” moment. But I gotta do it. So that means focusing on remedial tasks without the benefit of any of the aforementioned fireworks. Hard work, eating smart, journaling on WWonline, working out, planning ahead, all that stuff that seems so mundane and dull. But I know it works, even in the absence of the fireworks, new gadgets, gizmos, toys, tricks, etc. I DO have pretty (titanium & plum, nice color combo!) new Asics Gel Cumulus shoes, so there’s some excitement, but not much. Still, gotta do it. I’m too old to be playing these games with my health!! So I am committing right now to working this program no matter how un-exciting it may seem. No matter how dull/boring/routine it seems. Because that’s what us remedial girls have to do. And the excitement will be in the form of weight loss and health gains, when I finally actually WORK on this. I guess I can’t be bored with working the program, because I HAVEN’T been. And heaven knows, as much as I love using the WWonline site, there’s no sense in paying for it if I’m not going to make the most of it.
Now I’m going to take a bit of time to work on the budget project from hell, before doing some weight work and getting on the treadmill. That’s my plan for the remainder of the day. Budgets, weights, walk. Popcorn later, when obligations are completed. Early to bed, after getting ready for the start of the work week. And a fresh, new, remedial attitude for the day: Putting one foot in front of the other, and the right food into my mouth, without the fireworks, because there simply aren’t any fireworks left after doing this for thirty eight years, but it has to be done anyway. So I’m going to do it. That’s my truth, and I’m sticking to it.
