2Apr10 What if I Never Figure It Out?
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I recently read an article in O magazine about a book by Geneen Roth called Women, Food and God. The book talks about finding the reasons why we eat, not a particularly new concept. After all, practically every book about weight loss talks about finding the reason why we eat. Every time I read an article like this, I spend a few minutes thinking about myself and what my reasons are. This time, I spent more than a few minutes. What bothers me is that I cannot really figure it out. Do I eat because I’m bored? Well yes, of course I do, but not all the time and not to excess. Am I unhappy in my marriage? No, I can’t imagine my life without Rick. OK, so I am very unhappy with work these days, but this is a recent issue and it doesn’t explain all the years before. I also know that this is probably a temporary condition and eventually I’ll get back to enjoying it. Even so, I’ve never been someone who lived for my job and I don’t feel that my job defines who I am.

As I changed bedding this morning, I spent my time thinking about what it would take to ‘find my bliss’. You know what I mean, what would my best life look like? What would it take to resolve whatever underlying problems I have so I can make peace with food? The trouble is, I just couldn’t come up with something. Oh sure, I could fantasize about winning the lottery and having lots of money to travel and shop etc. But that’s not really the answer, is it? I pictured myself doing different things: working at different jobs, living by myself, taking up different hobbies, etc. None of them produced any kind of epiphany, none of them hit me as ‘hey, that’s what I’m missing in my life’.

So, this led me to wonder… what if I never figure out what my underlying issues are? If I don’t, am I doomed to never lose and keep off the weight? Or am in in denial? Is there something that I’m just not facing? How do I know?

I guess my only choice in the matter is to keep going through the motions and hope that eventually something comes to me.

1 Comment Posted by Donna in Thoughts on the Process
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30Mar10 Better than the Scales
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Sometime last year I told this story:

I was looking for something to wear for a casual evening out and came across my tailored black wool trousers hanging in the wardrobe.  I wasn’t in the best of moods – feeling like you do when you can’t find something you want to wear.  I was “feeling fat” and not a happy bunny.  But the pants were a generous cut and I knew they should be a bit loose so I would be comfortable.

I pulled them on and, horrors, they were snug – not tight tight but certainly not comfortable enough to wear out for dinner. I was devastated.  I’d been working really hard and was sure that those pants should have been loose.

But the pants don’t lie.  So I tearfully chucked them back into the wardrobe.

Then I noticed another pair of black wool trousers folded on the bottom of the wardrobe – my tailored trousers. HOLD EVERYTHING! I grabbed the other pair.  They were my daughter’s old Warehouse UK size 12 (6/8 US) black wool trousers.  Ha.

HA ha ha ha a ha bloody ha.  As though scale insanity were not enough, I’d discovered Pants Insanity.

Well I got them out again this morning and I’m very happy to report that they fit for real now – not snug at all. I’m wearing them as I type this – sorry that I didn’t think of them sooner.

I really must remember that, while my mind has a ways to go in this battle, my body is doing ok.  I forget that some days.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
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29Mar10 Waiting for the Start
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That’s the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I know there is only a tiny chance that I will get bad news at my appointment on Thursday – and yet I feel as though I’m walking towards a starting line and that things are going to be different on the other side.

The overall effect has been the need for super-strength willpower to avoid eating as though “rules don’t apply” this side of the line.

Happily, the husband is coming home from his week away and I’m going to ask him to help me with the willpower thing. He mentioned on the phone how much he’d like to be back in shape and we’re quite a team when we both decide to have the same goal.

One of the results of this “on the other side” phase of my life is that I’ve made several resolutions for when I get past that line and most of them are based on the promise to myself to be more assertive and less concerned that people like me. Among other things, I plan to:

  • get rid of about 100 or so facebook “friends” – people with whom I have little past or present.
  • get more proactive in my business and conquer my fear of appearing too demanding.  First goal is to draw a line under a proposal that has been stalled for too long. It’s time to move on.
  • make a practical plan for pursuing dreams NOW and not when we have more money.  It’s time for change and time for living.

There are more but those are the ones I keep coming back to.  Interesting that nowhere do I mention body/food sanity.  That’s because that goal is in process and will continue.

Off to work.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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28Mar10 I Thought I Had It
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The answer.  I thought I had an answer to the question of “feeling fat” but it turns out I only had some disjointed thoughts that didn’t sound all that sensible once written down but I may try later.

Instead I’ll bore on about stress management.

Yesterday went quite well as far as stress relief and food went.

  • I walked and sorted out a few little niggling things.
  • I bought enough food for two days – food that I can look forward to and that requires some preparation.
  • I talked to the absent husband.
  • I let myself get hungry then enjoyed feeding my body rather than my feelings.
  • I did have a glass of wine but it was to go with dinner rather than to “relax”.
  • I made some decisions.
  • I snipped off a couple of dead branches in the garden.

Oh I hate reports of the “What I Did” variety – so here’s the incomplete thought about “feeling fat”.  I can’t trust what I see in the mirror, how my clothes fit, what the measuring tape says, the number on the scale.  When I’m determined to “feel fat”, the only thing I can do is ask myself which direction my behaviour with food is leading me.

Am I heading toward my goal of health and sanity or am I heading away from it?

Rather than putting any faith at all in “feelings” about these things, I am only going to assess how I’m acting.

  • Am I more sane or less sane than I was yesterday?
  • Am I more full or less full than I was yesterday?
  • Have I moved more or less than I did yesterday?

And there can only be one of two responses:  I can keep doing what I’m doing because it’s positive or I can change what I’m doing because it’s negative.

I don’t get to beat myself up or wallow in temporary satisfaction.  I  bang on about hating when other people attach being “good” and “bad” to talking about eating but I realise that I do it in my head all the time.

Little steps on a long journey.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Things to try, Thoughts on the Process
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27Mar10 Restoration Project Begins
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Back to the classic muscle car analogy, because I like it. If I was really restoring a classic car, I’d have to know how to wrench on it. That means instructions, which means my WW materials. And supplies, tools. That means the right groceries, measuring tools, kitchen gadgets, etc. And a way to know how much progress I’ve made. I can use my eyes, as I would with the car. I can also use the scale, and the fit of my clothes. I also need the right frame of mind. If I don’t have that, how will I handle the bumps and hiccups during the long process? Not very well. Tools might be thrown, there might be some bad language (Might? Try “will!”) occasionally. I need to be ready for whatever comes my way during this project.

Another helpful thing to have is plenty of time to work on the project. This is not something that’s going to come together in just a few minutes a day. I’ll need far more time than that to get things restored to their original beauty. So forget the days of working on the fly. Plan to spend enough time to do the job right. Lube the moving parts with exercise. Feed the engine and the computer with the right gas & oil, and enough rest. And once the original beauty has been restored, it will be very important (VERY!!) to keep it that way. This will be hard work as well, so no giving up, EVER.

 

No Comments Posted by Gracie in Keeping Going, Starting Again Again
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27Mar10 No Doubts
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Thanks to daily weighing, I can now safely say without a doubt that eating and drinking too much and moving too little lead to weight gain.

Yes,

I know,

D’UH.

But there are still weeks when I’d like to “get away with it”- defy nature, as Donna said.

Bizarrely, until I typed the words “defy nature”, I had forgotten what I’d written about just a few days ago. It must be something that I really need to process in order to get over this period/slump/quagmire.

On a positive note, I am certainly more body aware now than I was a couple of years ago.  A “slump” like this would last months or more and I wouldn’t step on the scale until my weight was into the 160s – or the 170s as in January 2008.

So I’m happy that I get this feeling at 146. I promised the women over at BCB that I wouldn’t weigh more than 145.8  by the time I got to my specialist’s appointment at the hospital next week.  Rather than set that as a distant boundary, I used it as a safe target so that I could give myself permission to eat and drink my stress away.  As of this moment, I no longer have that permission.

  • I have permission to walk off my stress.
  • I have permission to bubble bath my stress away.
  • I have permission to curl up with a good book – and there’s one by my bed.
  • I have permission to work.
  • I have permission to drink large mugs of tea if I need to feel warm and full.

I don’t have permission to bake and eat.

I don’t have permission to eat more than enough for one person.

I don’t have permission to open another bottle of wine.

And the reason I’m banishing those things is NOT because I want to live some joyless life, but because I simply need to cope with stress in other ways.  I know what the other ways are, but I never give them enough of a chance to become real tools in my life.  They are always food substitutes rather than real stress-relievers.  I want to get my mind to the point that I think of walking or reading when I feel stressed.  Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

Well that was revealing so I’m going to say it again but louder:

Right now I think of walking or reading or bubble bathing as something to combat the urge to eat – not something to calm the worry.

I am going to find foodless drinkless tools for combatting stress.  Maybe I should crack that Beck book finally to see if I can make some permanent changes in my thinking.

Happy Weekend.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Thoughts on the Process
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23Mar10 Testing the waters…
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For the last few weeks, I’ve been testing myself with various trigger foods. Last week, I brought a jar of peanut butter into the house, and have been eating it in very small quantities (usually with a whole wheat English muffin in the morning).

After that, I scored some great dark chocolate (individually wrapped pieces) and allow myself one each evening. Sometimes I even open a bottle of wine, and drink 8 oz. worth after dinner. Strangely enough, the wine has been the hardest to withstand – it’s very tempting to go back for seconds.

Tonight I stopped at Trader Joe’s and bought a chunk of (gasp) real cheese – some Spanish sheep’s milk manchego, which is to die for (imo). For some reason, these little “tests” seem to be reinforcing my confidence in myself. In fact, I had a brainwave today – I was walking back to my car from the dentist’s office, and suddenly thought “This is it.This food plan working.” Yeah, it’s a somewhat vague epiphany, but for the first time in a very long time, I felt confident that my progress was going to continue. I’m not sure why I had this revelation in a parking lot, but I’ll take it wherever it comes. :)

My biggest fear is that no matter how much I “practice” eating and trying to conquer food, it will all come crashing down at a moment’s notice. I’m a little nervous about Katie and John’s upcoming visit, because I know I have a tendency to blow out when visiting or entertaining.

BUT on the other hand, maybe if I start indulging myself now, I’ll be content to continue the indulgences on the same small scale while they’re here, instead of going from famine to feast like I usually do. Hmmmm….something to think about.

2 Comments Posted by Mardee in Thoughts on the Process
23Mar10 “I Feel Fat”
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I’m thinking that my life’s work should be to discover an antidote to the phrase “I feel fat”.

I know that even skinny girls “feel fat” once in a while. I know that weight/body/food strugglers feel fat (and feel thin) all the time – regardless of available evidence.

These past couple of weeks for me were a storm of virus, hormones, travelling, work stress and health worry. The virus stopped me exercising and the rest made for some chaotic eating. The result was that I “felt fat” and even watched the scales start to creep up to the point that I didn’t want to stand on them.

Because, you know, if you don’t weight yourself then the weight hasn’t changed.

If I had kept up the daily weighing, I would have seen the weight come down too but I let my “I feel fat” head rule for days. Then, yesterday before the MRI, I had to get weighed.

I’m happy to report that I don’t care about situations like that any more but I do guess what the number will be and I was thinking 153lbs because, well, I was “feeling fat”. Anyway – fully clothed, in the middle of the day, I weighed 148lbs. Absolutely fine, normal and not “fat”. Really. I need a brain transplant.

So I stepped on the scale this morning and all is well. I still have 9 days in which to NOT eat my worry about the results of the MRI but I’m so pleased to be starting from normal and not some silly imagined inflated weight.

And I still need to figure out an alternative to “feeling” when it comes to body image.

1 Comment Posted by Millie in Body Image
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22Mar10 Working on the Transmission
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After my last Aha! moment, I haven’t made much progress. Transmission is stuck between R and N. No forward progress yet. I know that I can have some things in the house and not eat them all right now. I don’t know what things will cause a problem, but I suspect that large open bags of stuff will be harder to deal with than single servings. Because let’s face it, a large open bag IS a single serving, if I’m being honest and realistic. And if I’m not going to be honest and realistic, what’s the point? Without those things, I will never get my transmission into drive and start leaving some of these pounds in the dust. And I really want to do that. I want to be thin and fit and healthy. I know that. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my head lately, and what’s up there, besides lots of numbers (helloooo, I’m an accounting geek), is a strong desire to do this. I don’t want to do it for anybody but myself this time. Not so I can date, or look for a new job, or please my mother. It’s just for me! I love classic muscle cars. If I’m going to stick with the car analogy, then I am a rusty, barely functional 69 Camaro SS, sitting in somebody’s backyard, just waiting to look great again. And let’s face it–while the new Camaro is cool, the panache of a perfectly restored 69 Camaro SS is over-the-top awesome. I want to be that vintage 69 Camaro SS.

1 Comment Posted by Gracie in Thoughts on the Process
21Mar10 When Indeed….
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Donna wrote this the other day and I’ve been saving it for a post:

We have such a strange relationship with food. We know that we can eat quite large amounts of ‘good food’ (veggies, fruits etc) and we can also eat small amounts of ‘bad food’ (chocolate, fast food, wine). Instead of being content with that, we throw a temper tantrum because we want to do the reverse, i.e. eat small amounts of the good food while consuming large amounts of the bad food, and then we’re surprised when we gain weight. Please note that when I say ‘we’ I really mean ‘I’. When am I going to make peace with reality and stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed just because I want them to?

Can I ask that one again in two parts?

  • When am I going to make peace with reality?
  • When am I going to stop testing to see if the laws of nature have changed?

Making peace with reality:

Over the past couple of years I’ve made peace with a couple of food/body realities:

  • My shape is my shape and nothing is going to change that.  And it’s not a bad one.  As the husband says, “No matter how much you weigh, you HAVE a shape and that’s good.”
  • Clothes are not going to automatically look good despite a smaller body.  I no longer dream of wearing things that aren’t naturally going to suit my body shape. And that’s ok.
  • The “when I’m thin” fantasies of old are just that.  I’ve got a thinner 48 year old body – not the thinner 21 year old body that I somehow used to see when I thought about the future me.  I’m making peace with my belly because, though smaller, it’s here to stay.
  • My personality is such that I don’t always take the straightest, shortest route on any journey and that includes the one to food/body sanity.  I’m ok with lots of detours and a longer than necessary journey – though I am getting a bit fed up now that I’m down to the last few pounds and I seem to be rolling backwards.
  • I simply can’t sustain enthusiasm for any length of time but that doesn’t mean I have to be fat and out of shape. I’m tend to live a feast or famine life – with spurts of energy for things like cooking and exercise.  I just need to make sure that boring daily life involves getting off the sofa and filling my body with healthy food – even if it’s all done a bit lazily sometimes.  There will always come a time when I want to run again.

Well – more peace in this life than I thought!

And what about wanting to change the laws of nature?  Donna really pin-pointed an issue for me.  It’s not an everyday thing but it certainly affects me when I’m feeling stressed about the unknown.  No matter how many other things I seem to have got to grips with, when I want to relieve stress, I think about feeling full.  And I don’t stop to think about all the possible foods that could have that effect.  I instantly think of carbs and fat – rice and butter, bread and peanut butter,  cheese and crackers, oats/ sugar/butter in any combination.

I don’t think of a large salad with a tin of tuna and some balsamic dressing.  That would be filling and good and healthy but my dysfunctional brain can’t imagine it having the same comforting effect as oatmeal cookies or flapjack.

And when I’m feeling that no other food will do, I am completely oblivious to the laws of nature that state that, if I want to lose weight, I need to compensate for those calories somehow.  Maybe even thinking about that would somehow take away the soothing effect of the food.  It would break into that (very) temporary state of peace and ruin the whole point of the exercise.

To be honest, my inner stress eater scoffs at those people who suggest that a bath or a walk is as effective as food for stress relief even though I know it to be absolutely true.  A bubble bath with a magazine is a major de-stresser.  A run on a spring day has a huge mood improving effect.  But I still want cheese and crackers. And I still want to lose weight.

And so I keep thinking and writing and making daily/hourly/minutely decisions about how this process is going to go.

All advice welcome- though most of it will probably be ignored because I seem to need to learn the hard way.

No Comments Posted by Millie in Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process
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