Talking It Off

Being the Person I Want to Be

Oct 082010

I’m on a new “whole woman” kick with a handful of things to accomplish before I’m 50.

Read the bible through from cover to cover like a book. I’m almost through Numbers with the help of YouVersion as my home page and on my Blackberry. I’m using the 90 Day Plan but have adjusted the dates to give me till the end of April and it’s been an amazing experience so far.
Sort out the emotional eating – the one thing that trips me up again and again and again.
Grow out my dyed hair to its natural colour. It’s an adventure and I’m excited and terrified in equal measures.
Change my eating plan.

I’d better say a little more about that. I’ve realised that when I say I like “slow weight loss”, what I’m really saying is that I’m happy with the rhythm of losing some weight quickly then maintaining that loss for a while before finding the energy to do it all again.

When I did try “slow weight loss” with the Maintenance Diet, I got almost instantly frustrated by the lack of results. But I’m still very attracted to the idea of just eating for the size I want to be six months from now. That means settling for a pound and a bit per month, not per day or week. I want to be the person who can do that.

What would have to change for me to be that person?

I’d have to conquer the stress/boredom/any other emotional eating. Really.

I’d have to see my life as a whole – moving every day and really delighting in eating smaller portions.

I’d have to really really really knock the dieting tendency out of my life.

I figure that I haven’t lost anything lately partly because I’m just bored. I want to weigh ten pounds less than I do right now. My body is willing but my psyche just can’t be bothered to get all caught up in the thrills and spills of the “losing phase”.

So maybe I’m past it. Or maybe I need to ride out this phase and wait till I’m ready to go into losing mode again.

That’s possible – but, as 50 approaches, I’d rather be who I want to be for the rest of my life.

I want to be a person who doesn’t have to feel full all day – a person who eats to satisfy hunger, enjoy company, delight in tastes and textures. I want to be a vibrant person who doesn’t crave more calories than a body needs to stay slim and healthy.

I’m done rehearsing. I know all I need to know about myself and food. The challenge is to relax and trust myself and my body. And to keep moving.

So is this actually a plan? Does it have a form?

I’m going to put into practice, to the best of my ability, all the expertise I have in the area of cooking and eating good healthy food. The “controlling” factor won’t be a food journal but a desire to live well. That’s the bit that could go terribly wrong – but it will free up my time and energy for the next element.

I’m going to distract myself with things I want to do – writing, reading, doing things.

Keep moving on a daily basis – especially incorporate some weight training into my week. I’ve stopped running because I dread that “need” for the endorphins. But I miss them too. This all ties in with my dread of enthusiasm.

Three points is enough. I’ll stop by periodically but I’m going to do what I can to genuinely embrace Slow Weight Loss.

Unexpected Inspiration

Health, Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process 2 Responses »

Oct 042010

Just when the motivation is waning to the point of invisibility, we step over the threshold of our friends’ home and are greeted with a vision of two svelte men who, at our last meeting, were both on the chubby side. They look great!

The husband and I were both, 1) jealous and 2) inspired to do something about our own chubby situations.

When I got home, I was doing a little wandering through the internet and came across some research on waist circumference and mortality. It’s summarised in this CBC web article.

The words that grabbed me by the throat were:

Oddly, the strongest link — 25 per cent — was in women with normal BMI. People with bigger waists had a higher risk of death from causes including respiratory illnesses, heart disease and cancer.

I have fussed and fumed in previous posts about where exactly this measurement should be taken but this research seems to have encouraged a definitive answer. This is the best description I’ve found yet – from that same CBC report.

Waist circumference is measured at a point halfway between the hip bone and lowest rib — about five centimetres above the belly button.

Many people think the hip bone they feel toward the front of the body is the top of their hips but it’s not. By following this spot upward and back toward the sides of your body you should be able to find the true top of the hip bones.

Wrap the tape measure around you in a circle, making sure it is level all the way around. The tape shouldn’t push in or indent the skin. Relax, take two normal breaths, exhale, and then take the measurement. It’s best to take the measurement on bare skin. If you wear clothes, measure it the same way each time.

A waist circumference of more than 102 centimetres (40 inches) for men and more than 88 centimetres (35 inches) for women is associated with increased risk of Type 2 diabetes, coronary artery disease and hypertension.

A healthy waistline is 94 centimetres (37 inches) for most men and 80 centimetres (31.5 inches) for women. Health Canada recommends measuring waist circumferences for adults with a BMI between 18.5 and 34.9 to prevent and manage obesity.

So – at a “healthy” BMI of 24.6, I still have a 35.5 inch abdomen – 4 inches larger than ideal. I’m not sure I’d be able to get that low but I’d settle for half way there – say around 33 inches.

The main point is that vanity size 8 Gap jeans with their Lycra forgiveability may still fit beautifully but I have blubber inside my body that is wrapping itself around my organs and increasing my risk of an early death.

Guess it’s not yet time to give up the fight.

Autumn Thoughts

Keeping Going, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Sep 302010

Here’s a quote which seems to sum up a lot of things that I’m thinking about these days. Thanks Jan.

Without ambition one starts nothing.

Without work one finishes nothing.

The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.

The person who knows how will always have a job.

The person who also knows why will always be their boss.

As to methods there may be a million and then some, but principles are few.

The person who grasps principles can successfully select their own methods.

The person who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson (edited for inclusive language)

Ambition – I’ve got it in my head but not in my belly – so to speak. I will agree with anyone who suggests that I seem to want to lose 10 pounds but I don’t act as though that’s true.

Work – That’s the point. I’m not working for a variety of reasons (excuses) that all sound perfectly logical to me. But my head keeps reminding me that it’s work that will get me where I want to be.

Prize - I know which prize I’m working towards in this one area of my life. It’s not the most important prize to be working towards. It’s not even in my top three. That’s funny considering how much time and work I have devoted to winning it.

What do I know? I know how to lose weight. I know about the balance of calories in and calories out. I know about nutrition and fitness. I know about body shape and societal pressures.

What do I know about WHY? I know that I’ve been eating to relieve stress since I was tiny. This is my number one battle and I’m losing right now.

Principles – See what I know.

Method – This is what I need to figure out for this part of my journey. I’m not starting out full of enthusiasm. I’m not ever again going to be surprised by the process of weight loss. I’m actually just dreading the disruption to my thoughts and the taking up of my time.

So – I need a method that doesn’t fill my life with “DIET”. Thinking thinking thinking. I’ll get back to you.

I Take it All Back

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Sep 232010

and might take all this back tomorrow.

I am officially giving myself permission to be a bit unbalanced, a little emotional and completely mixed up about what to do about this food/body/health stuff.

I’m fed up with feeling like I’m always starting again. I KNOW I’m not really. I’m a thousand miles ahead of where I was 2 years ago and a million miles ahead of where I was when I first walked into a Weight Watchers meeting 30 years ago.

But I’m also fed up with even the thought of weighing and measuring and journalling and thinking about what I may or may not eat all the time.

On the other hand (and I have permission to not be sure about any of this!) – On the other hand, I know that stopping thinking about these things -as Mardee wrote about yesterday – so very very often leads me right back to FAT or, at least, FAT habits.

So I’m feeling that all the options are crap.

And I’m hating more than ever that I can’t see what I actually look like.

My belts all do up to exactly the same place they did in July, but I know I’m fatter because, well, just because.

See? Not sane but that’s part of the spewing right now.

I suspect that, when I’m exercising like I was in early summer, I just feel better about everything. Right now, while I’m working like a maniac trying to catch up with everything I put on hold for 6 weeks, I don’t feel healthy, I relieve stress with wine rather than a run and I wan to eat simple carbs – just because they momentarily solve something.

So all that stuff that seems so far away when I’m “doing well” is actually just below the suface waiting to engulf me.

Does writing this make me feel any better? Not really.

I now just have that voice in my head repeating incessantly,

“So just go for a run. Just eat fruit.”

Just Just Just Just, I know.

“And just be thankful that you have all these choices.”

I KNOW.

But I don’t want to run or eat fruit. I DO want to be thankful. I also want to get my business on an even keel. I want to read. I want to go home again and not live this stupid unrealistic two-homes-two-countries life. I don’t want any more scans or doctors scratching their chins wondering where to go next. I want my kids to be settled my husband to be blessed beyond all reason and my cats to not wake up at 6am.

Did I mention being fed up?

Did I mention that I really am grateful?

OK – deep breath. Go back to chasing up invoices.

Back to the real world…(but should I have left?)

Exercise, Food, Starting Again Again, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Sep 222010

The entire time I was traveling, I ate with what could be called reckless abandon. No calorie counting, no thinking “gee, is there way too much sugar in this for me?”, no thinking about “diet” at all. I figured that I would be walking so much that I would burn it off.

And it’s true. I did walk a lot and did burn most of it off. But here’s what I forgot to factor in – the habit. Once you throw away good eating habits for bad – even if it’s for only a 2 week period – you have to relearn the good habits, and it takes a lot of time and energy. Because of that, I’m stressed, eating too much, and struggling to get back in gear, thinking “Did I really have to have dessert at every meal?”

My point is that I need to start rethinking “vacation mode.” For years, it was an excuse to eat with impunity. I’ve controlled it somewhat and now will try to temper my eating, and increase my exercise to a certain point. But what I really need is to just continue to eat like I have been, albeit with somewhat different foods. It is harder – I’m usually eating a lot in restaurants and don’t have access to a kitchen – but it’s no excuse. Every place I go has had open-air markets where fresh fruits and vegetables abound. I could easily buy something there and have a picnic, rather than go to a restaurant.

Or if I do go to a restaurant, I don’t have to order the speciality with meat, potatoes, dumplings and bread. I could just get a salad and some lean meat. Instead of sampling the nation’s cuisine at every meal, I could do it just once or twice a week.

In fact, when I came back, I was telling my neighbor about the trip and the food. DeeDee is originally from Germany, and I mentioned how much meat and bread I ate while I was there. She laughed and said, “Well, Germans don’t eat like that every day!”. Duh. Of course they don’t – they also eat salads and fresh vegetables. In fact, DeeDee (who is rail thin), only has bread on special occasions.

Food for thought.

Looking Ahead

Last Ten Pounds, Things to try No Responses »

Sep 192010

I’m not writing much because my real work has taken over my life for a bit. That’s a good thing because real work pays real money. In my pretend life, where I write, contemplate and ponificate full time, I get paid pretend money. So there’s no argument about which gets priority just for the moment.

And I can’t quite get the food thing on track – or, at least – on the exactly right track to do this bloody thing that I promised myself oh so very very long ago.

While clearing out drawers and cupboards at my Mom’s, I found a Christmas letter from 2002 which mentions a wedding in the Higlands of Scotland. The invitation to that wedding was the catalyst which caused me to make a promise to myself to get to a certain (as yet unspecified) weight and stay there for a whole year. So let’s say the invitation arrived in the spring of 2002. That’s eight and a half years of thinking about that promise.

It’s now been over two years since getting serious about working hard and writing my way to a steady weight. In many ways it’s worked. Through the most stressful two years of my life, I have taken off 25 pounds and stayed within five pounds of that goal.

But my promise was about something else. I’m fully aware that the top of the bmi range is still overweight for me. I’m not as “big boned” as my mother used to say. I look ok. I may find that I don’t like what I look like in the middle of the bmi range. I may find that it’s just impossible to maintain that weight while enjoying life. But I’ll never know unless I get there.

So, I’m going to start Talking It Off again -doing the work and seeing if I can’t keep that promise. However.

Yep – HOWEVER, I’m getting bored with this promise thing so I’m going to make it “time sensitive”.

If I can’t be bothered to lose those last 10 pounds by my 50th birthday, my new promise is that I will be happy with whatever weight I’m at and put my energy into being the fittest and healthiest slightly chubby 50 year old I can be.

I’m also getting mighty bored with the diet-head conundrum. I can repeatedly state that I’m not on a diet, that I’m just changing my eating habits – but the fact remains that dropping one to two pounds per week requires a different mindset than maintaining my weight. The result is that I still find it very difficult to get the weight loss/weight gain pendulum to come to a complete stop. So I’m going to experiment with SLOW SLOW SLOW weight loss and just start eating to maintain a weight that is 10 pounds lighter than I am right now.

The problem I foresee is that it’s going to take a while to tell if I’m being successful or not. I reckon I will lose around a pound every three weeks which might get obscured by normal monthly fluctuations. It will probably be two months before I can see any permanent change so I’d better prepare myself for the non-dietness of it all.

Happy New Year

Keeping Going 1 Response »

Sep 152010

In the September sense, obviously. And I’m a little late because I got off a plane last night and am only back at my desk today. Not that I couldn’t have blogged my way through the summer, but it was time for some time off and I feel all the better for it.

I need to lose my usual 5 pounds which will (I predict) come off as follows:

easy 2lbs
then .5 to 1 lb per week for what seems an eternity.

I’ll be sure to check this and verify.

More predictions for the immediate future?

We (the husband and I) are going to try out a modified Mediterranean approach to eating for the next few weeks.
I’ll be back to run/walking under a 12 minute mile in the next couple of weeks. Started with a 4 mile walk today.
I’m going to limit non-productive internet time of the social networking variety and make my brain work hard for a while.

That’s enough expectation, I think.

I’m thrilled that I have enough of a “new way of living” thing going on that I didn’t do too much damage over the summer. I can still wear all my autumn clothes so there’s no horrible beating-self-up urgency to lose a lot of weight.

Am I still looking to get under that 140 pound mark? I’m not sure. I’ve so enjoyed not being stressed about losing weight. We’ll see. For now, I’m happy to be me and I’m appreciating a fresh start.

Fantasy/Reality

Keeping Going 2 Responses »

Aug 262010

I wonder when I will stop holding onto every chronic dieter’s fantasy:

I work hard. I lose the weight. I then go on to live a “normal” eating life and never have to think about it again.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

I have once again put on my “West Coast 4″ due to over socialising. (Good!)

And under exercising. (Bad!)

I want to rage against the unfairness of it all when the sensible voice in my head says something like, “You do know that’s how the human body works, right?”

Sigh and sigh again. Of course I know. But I still want to arrive at my holiday destination weighing 145lbs, eat drink and be lazy for three weeks and continue to weigh 145lbs.

So I guess I’d better start incorporating “No, thank you” and “Where are my running shoes?” into my daily conversations.

Onward………

Slow Summer

Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Aug 192010

I never intended there to be such a lull in writing but summer life has enveloped me. I like that summer lull and appreciate the down-time. Just wish I didn’t gain weight while lulling my days away but that seems to be the inevitable side effect.

The challenge of my life is that I tend to come away for 6 weeks of summer – far too long for a normal holiday – so I have to decide where to draw the line and declare the holiday over.

The scales are suggesting that NOW would be a good time but my social calendar is thinking maybe in a week. Calendar wins but I will do my best to not gain any more weight.

It’s funny – but a couple of pounds gained through happy socialising don’t bother me nearly as much as a couple of pounds gained through lonely simple carb stuffing. Of course a couple plus a couple equals a few and THAT stresses me out.

But for now I’m going to enjoy the view, keep sorting out this funny old people’s house, take a walk once in a while, and love and respect my body when it comes to eating. On that note – I may be a salmon the next time anyone sees me as the husband came home with 40lbs of the stuff. At least I’ll have plenty of omega 3 coursing through my body.

Oh Oh

Food, Thoughts on the Process No Responses »

Aug 082010

Day 3 of the holiday is starting and I’ve fallen into a vat of simple carbs. And not in a good way.

So what’s the plan?

I hate having to plan.
But, even more, I hate the thought of putting on 5 pounds because I can’t be bothered to plan.

So today I’m going to think before I eat. I’m going to recognise hunger and stay away from the simple carbs that seem to fuel this city.

Lunch is a family bbq where there will almost no healthy food, the kind which, helpfully, I don’t find appetising. Not that that always stops me eating, but I will focus on how unappealing and unhealthy it all is.

Dinner is undecided but will certainly be at a restaurant. The challenge will be finding a salad which really is healthy. Or maybe some tomato based pasta.

I don’t need anything else. Breakfast is over and done. If we go for coffee, I’ll choose the smallest size. If the weather clears, we’ll do some walking.

I’ll check in tomorrow.

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Being the Person I Want to Be

Unexpected Inspiration

Autumn Thoughts

I Take it All Back

Back to the real world…(but should I have left?)

Looking Ahead

Happy New Year

Fantasy/Reality

Slow Summer

Oh Oh

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