Girl Guide cookies are not suitable meal replacements.
Aug 062010
So far the plan (or “plan”) I concocted from the other side of the Atlantic seems to have gone the way of missing luggage. I’m sure it’ll turn up eventually.
But today I’m off away from my home from home for a whole week and I’ve decided not to take the laptop. I can blog on my Blackberry if I feel so inclined but I’m guessing I won’t.
So – see you in a week or so.
Aug 052010
I don’t get something. All the so called experts on weight loss seem to agree that before you can be successful taking off and keeping off the pounds, you have to understand the reasons why you are eating. Not only what started you down the wrong road but what is happening right now that makes you run for the fridge. So how is it that I have figured out the origins of my eating issues and I also recognize what the current problems are that are triggering my ongoing battle, yet I’m not successful in losing weight? (oh boy, was that ever a sentence full of mangled grammar) I know what my stressors are, I know how I should be dealing with them, I know that eating won’t fix them, I know, I know, I know,,,, BUT knowing doesn’t seem to translate to success. All the insight in the world doesn’t seem to translate to success. How does one make the leap from knowing to doing?
Aug 022010
Starting over. Again. For the bazillionth time. I guess that if you put an optimistic spin on it, I never give up! I have never lost hope that I’d get to my goal weight and maintain it for the rest of my life. To put an optimistic spin on that, the older I am when I finally get to my goal weight, the less time I will have to maintain it… Ok, that really doesn’t work, does it? No.
For my first step, I made a journal in Microsoft OneNote. I love that software. It’s like one of those 5 subject notebooks, but with a Turbo setting. Picture an open notebook, with tabs across the top for the sections, as many as you want. In each section are pages, as many and as long as you want, and when you title a page, the title hangs off the right side of the page on a tab, so you can find it quickly. These pages are not pre-formatted like Word is. You can plop something right in the middle of the page if you wish. You can put anything in this notebook:
- Copy and paste interesting things from the web
- Create a chart in Excel, and copy/paste it, and you can add to it on the OneNote page
- Add audio and video files
- Add pics and graphics
This is my favorite Microsoft program (and no, they did NOT pay me to say that!). I have one set up with sections labeled “Journal,” “Food,” “Exercise” and “Motivation.” The exercise page is a chart from excel with columns to fill in. Motivation contains separate pages to categorize what kind of files are in there: Ralph Marston, ditties I find on the web, my own personal thoughts, anything I think might have value when I need a boost. And best of all, I got a Windows phone for my birthday last month, loaded with Word, Excel, Power Point, and OneNote. When I make notes on my mobile phone, they automatically sync with my MS Office stuff. So if I hear something interesting or motivational, I can add it. If I change my food plan for the day, I can update it. And when I sync the phone with the computer, it’s all there waiting to be organized into its proper section in my notebook.
If you are thinking that I am a geek, you are 100% correct. I am, and I am proud of it! Maybe that’s why I bought a motorcycle–to balance out the geeky half of me. I don’t think it worked though. I’m really the geekiest biker EVER. But I want to be a slim, healthy, biker-geek, and that is what I am working on. Eating right, working out, taking care of myself, dealing with the overload of stress heaped on me by my employer, doing all the things I need to do. I’m on the right path. I have the knowledge of 10,000 diet books, etc. I just need to make it all work for me.
I see that my eating is not all that bad right now, without really monitoring what I’m eating. This is a good place to be starting over. I’m going to journal what I eat without counting points or calories. I’m just going to do what comes naturally, and try to work enough exercise in there to knock off some weight. That’s my starting point, and I’ll re-evaluate at the end of the week to make course corrections. I’ve always started out with a bang, joining WW or buying into some book or plan, buying new toys. Maybe I don’t need to buy or do anything new, maybe I don’t need to focus on all the “stuff” that’s supposed to “help” me do this. Maybe I have everything I need to make my dream come true. (Could it be that easy? Hmmm…)
Aug 022010
Lying awake last night, in an effort to stop thinking about packing, I started thinking about this whole weight loss journey.
For ages now I’ve been thinking that I’m ready to experience maintenance, finally – for the first time ever – actually paying attention to keeping my weight stable. But I’m not yet at the weight I want to maintain.
SO…..and this is where I’m feeling a little bit clever, what if I focus on maintaining the weight I want to be?
What if I just eat and move as though I’m lighter than I actually am? Wouldn’t I eventually just weigh that much?
I’ve taken 2 years to get to where I am anyway and that slow process has been the best thing possible for changing my thinking about the “all or nothing” pendulum of weight loss and weight gain. However, it’s only slowed it and I want to stop the pendulum completely! I want to just eat the way I’m going to have to eat for the rest of my life, understanding that I will need less as I get older and that I will have to stay committed to moving.
There’s no getting away from the fact that, to lose weight right now, I have to put myself into “diet” mode and I need a break from that. A big fat permanent break.
Of course, I’m only saying all this because I’m not particularly unhappy with how I’m looking these days. For my optimum health and vanity I should weigh less, but, in the big scheme of an increasingly obese society, I don’t look very fat. I also own clothes that I like and want to wear again in the autumn and winter. In truth, I’ll be very happy to take a whole year to lose the last bit of weight. But I’m not sure it’s going to take that long.
Here are the numbers:
A sedentary 50 year old woman who is maintaining a weight of 135 pounds should eat about 70 calories per day less than a moderatley active 49 year old woman who weighs 145 pounds.
When I factor in my minimal weekly activity, I figure I’ve got a deficit of around 230 calories per day.
Of course, I will lose that 70 calories from the age and weight difference as I get older and lighter, so I’ll have to move that much more every day. I’m hoping that walking about extra mile will do the trick.
If 10 pounds equals 35,000 calories, it will take me around 22 weeks to actually end up weighing 135 pounds. That’s basically how many weeks there are left this year. And I’m not that fussed about the 135 number – it was just nice and tidy to think in terms of 10 pounds. I’m also not that fussed about the 5 months. I turn 50 at the end of April so wouldn’t that be a nice gift to give myself?
So – a recap of this experiment. For the next few months I’m going to eat as though I’m an inactive 135 pound 50 year old. But I’m going to live as though I’m a moderately active 49 year old. By the time I’m actually 50, I will know what it takes to stay slim and healthy.
That’s the plan.
At least until someone points out the fatal flaw in my apparently flawless thinking……….
I suppose people might wonder where that title came from. I started thinking it was time to “Grab the bull by the horns” with regard to my many weight, health, and exercise issues. That, in turn, led to a mental picture of that bull stomping around a china shop. And from there, the horse you can’t force to drink, swapped for a bull because that’s where I started. So I’m the bull (in case you were wondering) in this little vignette. The china shop represents all of the zillions of things I’ve spent 100′s of gazillions of dollars on to help with weight loss. I have a top-rated, very expensive treadmill that doesn’t get used enough, more than many exercise DVDs, dumbbells, barbell w/ plate weights, Wii w/ Wii Fit, Wii Fit Plus, and several other workout related Wii games, three different steps to go with the step aerobic workouts, risers to be able to use the step as a weight bench, and have also bought and given away or sold more pieces of exercise equipment than I’d need to open my own store! On top of this, the countless dollars paid to weight loss businesses, predominantly Weight Watchers, but also Jenny Craig and a host of others. And let’s not forget the hundreds of diet books, cookbooks, kitchen gadgets, and other things, all purchased to facilitate my weight loss. And what have I lost? Nothing? Oh, no–I’ve lost money–a lot of it, and thousand of pounds, over and over and over and over, and gained them back each and every time. Does anybody see a problem here??? I know I do. If I had those dollars back for all the things I failed at, gave away, sold, and quit–including all the money paid to Weight Watchers over the years of joining, quitting, and joining again, only to quit–AGAIN, I’d be putting in for retirement! Instead, I’m as heavy as ever, broke, and very unhappy. That has GOT to change. It’s time to actually drink–unlike the stubborn fool in the title of this post.
So what to do? That’s what I’m going to figure out. What works? What doesn’t? (To be honest, I already have a really good idea of what doesn’t!) How do I get motivated, stay motivated, and keep the process moving forward? Why is this important. Is it important? Sometimes I wonder how important it really is to me. I want (I think…), more than anything, to be a size 12. I don’t aspire to be a size 6. That’ll never happen, unless I have my hip bones shaved down by a few inches. Not gonna happen. I just want to be able to wear all the kick-ass jeans I have, and I want to be healthy doing it. I want to be able to pick up my motorcycle if it hits the ground. I want to be noticed as “that woman on the motorcycle” NOT as “that FAT woman on the motorcycle.” So I have goals. Now to head toward them. If it truly is important, then it’s time to make it happen.
I’m in my usual countdown panic as I try to tie up things in the UK and think ahead to what I’m going to need for the next 6 weeks in Canada.
And I’m still reflecting on this past week of “stepping back”.
All in all it’s been a good thing. I’ve been chilled out about food and have lost the weight I gained due to stupid eating. I’ve done a bit of running and a bit of walking and have enjoyed not writing it all down.
In my “counting unhatched chickens” way, I was thinking that I would have a relaxed week, get a final diagnosis from the senior consultant and then get on with life in whatever direction it was going to go.
But instead, as is normal in these “pre-hatched chicken counting” situations, I didn’t get any news at all from the appointment. Instead,and I quote the consultant, “we are back at square one”, which means that I know nothing more than I knew 6 months ago. I feel knocked back and maybe not quite as reslilant as I thought I was feeling.
But one good thing came out of a not very good appointment. Firstly, I decided to take the husband into the room just so he could witness what I’ve been up against. The senior doc was NOT pleased that I was seeing him rather than the other guy but – and this is the new thing for me – I just didn’t care. I think maybe I’m getting to the point where I’m not feeling awkward about being a pain.
Anyway, after telling me that there was no news, he leaned back in his chair and said, “Would you like me to refer you to the specialist liver unit for a second opinion even if it is a bit early for that?”
Old me might have given the decision back to him, asked him if I should wait until his team had had another chance. New me just said, “Yes, I would.”
New me was also still too polite to ask how I could possibly get a second opinion when I hadn’t had a first one yet. But never mind. I figure, God willing, I can be rude when I’m an old lady.
The slightly humourous thing about hospital appointments is that, when you step on the scales, everyone is hoping that you haven’t lost any weight. The nurse who weighs you smiles and commends you for not being much lighter than you were 3 months ago, and the doctor comments on how well you’re not losing. I didn’t dare tell them how bloody hard I’d been working to lose it. And I was truly glad to know that I could sit there and not worry that the pounds were falling off for the worst possible reason.
Funny old world.
This morning as I was reading more of Women Food and God while working on the treadmill (wow, talke about multi tasking), I realized that while I’ve been pushing away family (see my previous post), I’ve also been chasing after it. The problem is that I’ve been chasing after some vision of a perfect family that just doesn’t exist because let’s face it, families are loud, messy, uncooperative and embarrassing. And that’s a ‘good’ family. But if I’m really honest and I stop worrying about how it sounds, I really don’t want to be spend time with my family as a group, I much prefer to spend time with individuals in my family. That’s why I get a bit claustrophobic when I have to deal with my entire family but I enjoy visiting with them separately. It’s why I don’t have a lot of patience with the squabbling between my 2 granddaughters when they both visit but I enjoy having them stay over 1 at a time.
Trying to force this whole vision of a perfect family on myself is only serving to make me unhappy. Perfect example was Christmas Eve. My picture of family on that day involved my step son and his live in girlfriend showing up about 2:30-3:00 pm with their 2 children. I would have some munchies prepared for them when they showed up. We would open gifts in the afternoon so the kids could play with their gifts while I finished preparing dinner. We would have a lovely dinner together and they would still be able to leave early enough so the kids could get to bed at their usual bedtime. Instead they showed up just before dinner after the hors d’oevres were cold, the kids were already tired and cranky. Their gift for me was a family picture, not in a nice frame, just the picture with some Christmas paper slapped around it. I know that money was tight for them and while a family picture might be a nice gift, it really wasn’t much different than the family picture they had given us a few months before. It felt like a complete disregard of me as part of their family. So, needless to say, my day was ruined because my picture of what should have been a lovely family day didn’t match reality.
My point is that every time I attempt to force my vision of what a family should be I end up disappointed and angry. And of course, that’s when I eat away my feelings.
BUT…..
The thing is, reality is never going to match my expectations because even if everything was perfect, it’s not really what I want. What I want is small amounts of time spent with individuals. I don’t want to be surrounded with a large noisy family. I’d be just as happy if a family dinner consisted of a bucket of take out chicken in the middle of the table. Is there any rule that says that I have to want a family? If I can accept that this is just the way I am and that I am not a freak, then I think I might just lift a huge weight off my shoulders.
I’ve taken a few days off – mostly because I’ve got deadlines – but partly because I needed to stand back for a bit to get some perspective.
I’m one of the few people I know who like installation art and one of my favourite installations is a collection of supposed fragments from a bombed out museum. In order to look at it, you have to get very close to see what the fragments are,
then you have to stand way back to get a sense of the enormity of the piece.
If you stand back even further and watch people looking at the installation, you see a sort of slow dance of people walking up to the wall then backing away, then up and back again and again.
And I think that’s what this blog has become: you can see me peering carefully at my behaviour and my motives for a while and then watch me take a few steps back to try to get to grips with the whole picture.
I’m in that last week of my 3 months in this country and have so many deadlines and appointments that my first plan of action is to crawl back under the covers.
My second plan of action is to walk carefully through the next few days, acknowledging that I’m stressed about meeting up with the liver specialist and stressed about getting my business finances in order and stressed about chasing up late payments (WHY do the larger institutions treat the little guys so badly?).
I also confess to feeling stressed about not being where I wanted to be with the weight loss – but really, there’s nothing I can do about that so I’m going to relax for the moment, stand back and take a good look at the big picture, ideally without the company of unrefined carbohydrates.
I will also go for a run or two or three despite the weather and despite my sincere desire to stay in my pjs and watch endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls.
Jul 212010
One weekend of binge-headedness can really set a person back. I feel like I’m standing a block away from a sign that says “What I Want” in big letters but I can’t quite make out the smaller print. In my head, it says that I want to have a smaller and fitter body but it’s all a bit blurry.
So what happened to 139, you ask?
Indeed.
So much of my disordered eating happens when my external voice is saying one thing but my internal voice is saying something else altogether.
EX V: I want to weight 139lbs
IN V: I’m not sure I want the pressure of keeping the weight off.
EX V: I’m going to work hard for 6 weeks and not worry about where I end up. My behaviour will get me where I want to be.
IN V: There’s a DEADLINE! You’ve got the family bbq on the 8th and the birthday dinner on the 9th and then off to see all those people and you want to be THIN.
EX V: I want to be in great shape even if there’s tough news about my liver.
IN V: If you’re going to lose half your liver, you might as well party now.
And finally,
EX V: I can do this one good choice at a time.
IN V: FEED ME (bread, butter, pasta and wine).
So there it is: the two voices of Millie – and one is more persuasive than the other this week.
On a positive note, I shredded 5 years worth of documents yesterday and filed or got rid of anything that wasn’t going to be pertinent to the next few months. I want to come back from my summer hiatus and have a calm and orderly office that actually has room for my body as well as my paperwork. I have drawer space!
And, I ate less yesterday than on Tuesday and less on Tuesday than on Monday. So it’s getting better and I’m getting better and I’m going to start listening to my internal voice rather than just shutting it up with food.
Follow Millie…..