Donna’s post about bingeing really got me thinking about what it is throws my eating into disarray.
I don’t usually get food crazy because of just one thing. Instead, my worst behaviour needs both an emotional reason and an opportunity.
In no particular order:
- hormones
- fear of the unknown – the big picture – like not having a pension or proper jobs but a mortgage that runs till we’re 70.
- fear of the unknown – the little picture – like work that needs doing but I’m not sure how it will go.
- anger
- boredom
- grief
- feeling constrained by the weight loss process
- confused feelings about losing weight (more fear of the future, perhaps?)
- over-eating in a social situation- ie buying into the “off the wagon” mindset
Alone, each one of those things is usually manageable. I can go for a walk, talk to someone, go to bed, get myself distracted. But in certain circumstances, any of those things can be the catalyst for the “perfect storm”. And the circumstances are?
- being alone
- having simple carbs in the house, even just as ingredients.
- having company but being angry at said company (not naming names but he knows who he is.
)
These situations aren’t like the times that I just sit around with friends and eat too much in a social context. What I’m talking about is the next level – the step beyond eating too much in a happy, normal, celebratory way.
For some people that will mean eating 2 loaves of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a cake and donuts all in one sitting. For others it will mean eating a couple of chocolate bars or 2 bowls of cereal. For me, it’s about making sure that I feel full all day long. It’s not the quantity of food but the mindset that defines bingeing.
The post-binge shame is such a terrible place to have to pick yourself up from. It always feels like “sqare one”, as though you’ve made no progress at all, as though you have to figure out the process all over again.
The worst time for me was after my dad died and I was alone with my grief for a whole month. I would wake up feeling ok but the “must be full” mindset hit by early afternoon and I would self-medicate until bedtime, get up and do it all again. And every day, after the upsetting experience of visiting my brain-injured mom, I would head to the grocery store, creating the perfect opportunity to think that a bag of Cheetos or a loaf of olive bread looked like a viable supper option.
People who do this are not obese losers who don’t take care of themselves. We’re people who’ve learned over time that food offers (very) temporary relief from something that we don’t want to deal with in the light.
In the light. That’s where eating should be done – like the rest of our living. And we should speak our worries and fears and define our sadness and bring it all into the light. Healing doesn’t happen in the murky darkness where bingeing takes place. (That’s a note to self.)
Peace, not perfection.
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