We had a beautful salad last night with hot smoked peppered salmon (not just any hot smoked peppered salmon), very dark green and purple lettuces, vine tomatoes, red pepper and cucumber.   I would normally also add fresh blueberries and toasted almonds but was out of the former and looked up the caloric content of the the latter.

I would normally add about 60g (2 oz) because they are so lovely but that adds 160 calories to each portion. I know that almonds are a great source of good things but, frankly, I’d rather have my glass of wine, knowing that I’ve had loads of protein and “good things” in the fish.

The husband commented on the lack of almonds and I found myself coming up with a sensible answer.

Basically – that’s exactly the kind of thing we can add back into our diet once the last 10 pounds are off.  Previously I might have added back something like a couple of cookies with a cup of tea – but almonds in the salad are so much better and so much nicer to think of.  And so much less likely to be overeaten when there’s no salad in sight.

But I was going to write about accountability.  This is just to say that we’ve been invited out for dinner tomorrow. It is completely outside my personality to ask ahead what we’ll be having – and, yes, even when the food is being prepared by one of my closest friends on the planet.  Instead, I need a plan to stick to.

• I’ve already volunteered to bring the veggie platter for snacking and playing cards later.
• I’m in the exercise groove this week and am aiming for a 5 mile walk/run today and 3 miles tomorrow.
• Wine: 2 glasses – and bring 2 bottles of perrier or similar.
• Portions: small and fill up plate with veg.
• Dessert: mint tea?  Can I do it?  We’ll see.  I might have a small portion.

Does it matter?  Well it turns out I really did undo last week’s hard work with one silly weekend so, yes, it matters.

A picture just flashed into my head of my childhood snakes and ladders game.

As much as I hate the “good/bad” language of weight loss, I also hate the “undo it all” weekend experience.  So I’m not going to undo it all this weekend.  That’s a promise to myself.

I recently read an article in O magazine about a book by Geneen Roth called Women, Food and God. The book talks about finding the reasons why we eat, not a particularly new concept. After all, practically every book about weight loss talks about finding the reason why we eat. Every time I read an article like this, I spend a few minutes thinking about myself and what my reasons are. This time, I spent more than a few minutes. What bothers me is that I cannot really figure it out. Do I eat because I’m bored? Well yes, of course I do, but not all the time and not to excess. Am I unhappy in my marriage? No, I can’t imagine my life without Rick. OK, so I am very unhappy with work these days, but this is a recent issue and it doesn’t explain all the years before. I also know that this is probably a temporary condition and eventually I’ll get back to enjoying it. Even so, I’ve never been someone who lived for my job and I don’t feel that my job defines who I am.

As I changed bedding this morning, I spent my time thinking about what it would take to ‘find my bliss’. You know what I mean, what would my best life look like? What would it take to resolve whatever underlying problems I have so I can make peace with food? The trouble is, I just couldn’t come up with something. Oh sure, I could fantasize about winning the lottery and having lots of money to travel and shop etc. But that’s not really the answer, is it? I pictured myself doing different things: working at different jobs, living by myself, taking up different hobbies, etc. None of them produced any kind of epiphany, none of them hit me as ‘hey, that’s what I’m missing in my life’.

So, this led me to wonder… what if I never figure out what my underlying issues are? If I don’t, am I doomed to never lose and keep off the weight? Or am in in denial? Is there something that I’m just not facing? How do I know?

I guess my only choice in the matter is to keep going through the motions and hope that eventually something comes to me.

Sorry for the hiatus – I had a day and night away and then a day of feeling very sorry for myself with a cold and, finally, a half day swallowing a small but not quite small enough camera.

So, given all of that, how has my week been for weight loss?

Internal motivation:  I’m looking at the right goal -no longer worried about getting below 140lbs but not being able to stay there.  I think that finding that 139 used to be considered the highest healthy weight for my height has spurred me on to get there.

External things:  Well – it’s been a challenge.  The cold has meant I haven’t been running.  The trip away meant less control over what and when I could eat.  The hospital appointment raised my worry levels a little.

Given the above, how hard did I work to make things happen?:

Hmmm.  Trying to be objective.  I wasn’t obsessive – which I can be when I really really want to be perfect.  I just didn’t have the drive to find perfection.  However, despite the stuffed up head, I did walk miles in London thanks to a lovely spring day.  I didn’t journal after the weekend despite an excellent start.  Again, I think I let the worry of the week get to me and then the “freedom” of not journalling just took hold.  The best thing about this week is that I didn’t once overeat.  I just ate to satisfy hunger and it was all healthy food so I have no reason to beat myself up.

In fact, I’m happy.  That’s good to know and good to write. I took care of myself and didn’t fall into any stressy food behaviour.  For that, I will pat myself on the back.  Did I lose weight?  My daily weight says I’m down from last week and almost down to where I was before Christmas.  It sure takes a long time to get a few pounds off these days.

And did I have a good week?  It was a mixed week on all levels but my over-riding memory is wandering down Regent Street in the sunshine and hearing a brass band.  Lovely.

And now I have to clean this house or we might die of cat hair inhalation.

In life in general I love the idea of new beginnings, blank slates, amnesties, jubilee years – grace and forgiveness .

When I decide to give myself one of those in my food/body struggles, it’s hard not to think of it as a whole new beginning.  Over on BCB I’ve re-invented myself a few times, changing my board name and starting from scratch.

But this time I’m going to prize the accumulated wisdom of this past year.  I’m going to view the next phase as just that: one leg of a long journey.

I’ve made a new daily weight page to see how long it takes to get from where I am now to where I want to go.  I’m not guessing how long that’s going to be – I’m just going to set out and accept that I’ll get there when I get there.  I’ll keep track of my behaviour and my weight and notice the connections.  In fact, I think I might go a bit Bridget Jonesish and put my weight and other pertinent information at the top of each post.  Maybe not.

My first priority is to fight my natural inclination and to plan meals ahead for a couple of days.

Oh this is boring.  I feel so incredibly uninspired. And yet.  And yet there is a solid core of WILL inside me that won’t rest until I have kept that promise to myself.  I will give myself a chance to be slim and fit for a whole year.  I will do it.

I may not feel like going through the process of getting there.  I may not feel like going through the process of staying there.  But I will do it with no rush of enthusiasm because I know how important it is that I do it.

Self-talk.  What blogging is really all about.

Apologies to anyone else reading this today.

But if you want to join me on this leg please step in and keep me company on this enthusiasm-free, wisdom and (hopefully) humour filled process.  I’ll make you a weight page of your very own if you are craving a little public accountability.

Actually – I think I just failed but I’m not keen on failure.

The feasting stopped but something more insidious took its place: gluttony, greed, simply stuffing in food for no very good reason. In fact…confession approaching…..I ate the Christmas cake that I’d packed up for my mom. Where’s the blushing smilie when you need it?

I don’t feel great this morning and I’m sitting here remembering how good it feels to eat when I’m hungry.

And to move.

I don’t want to turn this into a daily diet blog – but I will if I have to. At least I can go back to basics and report every morning on how the previous day went.

Back to basics it is. I know I’ll be away for four days and eating out all those meals but I think that’s easier than sitting in a house full of food.

So here’s what’s coming:
Today – home and in control of what I can eat.
Tomorrow – the same
Thursday – off to town for new years eve. I will enjoy the evening meal because I will NOT have eaten mindlessly for the whole day leading up to it.
Friday – Saturday – Sunday – Three days of eating out and staying in a hotel.
Monday – back to my own space for a week alone.

When I’m in losing mode, it’s easier for me to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch. I’ve got porridge and blueberries for the morning but lunch is harder here than back in England because I don’t have a blender for making soup. Maybe that’s something I can pick up in the sales and start making my cauliflower and potato soup which is filling and helps me get in all my vegetables.

Thinking out loud helps but it’s not the same as reality. But my own determination and the sense of accountability I get from knowing that people are reading this do help.

I will not gain weight over the next few days.

Till tomorrow.

For the past six weeks, I been weighing myself every morning and writing down the numbers.  I am not doing this expecting to see loss after loss after loss.  I’m doing it because I really want to get to grips with how the actually shedding of pounds works.

I think I’m going to make it a public exercise, not because it’s particularly interesting for, but because it’s another accountability tool for me during the next month of feasting and partying – a time when I would normally embrace the “What the hell” attitude of the season and pop in another piece of shortbread.

Just to be clear, the appropriate response to then numbers decreasing is not “Way to go Millie!” but:

• “Hmmmmm, interesting”

And the appropriate response to numbers increasing is not “You can DO this Millie!” but:

• Hmmmmm, interesting”

That’s the vibe of the activity.

December 09
Decided to make this a permanent page
4-145.6
3-145.6-after a day of pretty heavy eating. interesting.
2-144.2
1-144.4 Canadian scales
November 09
30-143
29-143
28-142.8
27-143.6
26-144.2
25-144.8
24-145.4
23-145.6
22-147
21-didn’t weigh after emotional eating
20-146.4
19-145.8
18-146.2
17-146.2
16-didn’t weigh
15-146.4
14-146.2
13-146.6
12-147
11-146.9
10-146.6
9-146.7
8-147.4
7-147.4
6-out of town
5-147
4-147.4
3-147.8
2-148.4
1-148
October 2009
31-147.6
30-149
29-150.2
28-150.4
27-149.8
26-150
25-150
24-150.2
23-151.2
22-didn’t weigh
21-151.6
20-151.2
19-150.4

The morning after the Thanksgiving Feast for twelve.

Me to Canadian house guest: “I’m so proud of us; we hardly drank anything.”

CHG to me: “I was just thinking how I’d never seen so much alcohol consumed at one sitting!”

Culture, eh?

Accountability – the good things about yesterday:

• Out for lunch, I left a lot of food on my plate because I was full.
• At dinner, I had one plate-full ,(as in covered, not heaping), then stopped.
• By sheer good fortune I had 7 good (large) wine glasses for 8 people so I got the small glass.
• I did have two large non-alcoholic drinks in the middle of the event – slowed down both the eating and the drinking.
• Dessert was 1/12th of a pumpkin pie.  I had a bite of something else but threw the rest away when I realised that I was truly not hungry or even craving something sweet.

Now for the next three days.

So far so good.  The best thing is having all the food in the fridge for tonight’s festivities.  Because we wanted to spend the whole day being touristy with friends, we cooked the turkey yesterday.  The stuffing and pumpkin pie are made and friends are bringing everything else except the potatoes.

I’ll check in tomorrow for accountability – but for what?

OK – anyone has permission to ask me two questions.

1. Were you uncomfortably full?
2. Did you drink at least two non-alcoholic drinks?

See you tomorrow.